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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you find monogamy/fidelity difficult?

215 replies

EatMeKeepMe · 19/10/2016 10:21

If you're in love/with "the one", and have been with them long term, do you find it challenging to stay monogamous?

My DH (been together 14 years, have kids, etc) is my absolute best friend and soul mate, and I really fancy him. But there are still times when it's really hard not to take opportunities with other people. I never would, but it makes me wonder: is it always hard to behave yourself in long term relationships? Or is it effortless for some people? If you find it effortless, is this because of something you've done (chastity belt?), or has it always come naturally to you?

OP posts:
39up · 19/10/2016 12:15

I think the wide range of replies here make it quite clear that different people seem to have very different gut instincts about these things.

FWIW, I'm not very good with monogamy so I don't do it. And that works for me and DH.

TisMeTheLadFromTheBar · 19/10/2016 12:20

My DH and I have been together for 18 years. Neither of us have been tempted. My DH would have a lot more opportunities to cheat, if he wanted to. We have a zero tolarence to infidelity of any kind, so it's a very easy and clear choice to stay faithful. You need to look closer at the problems in your marriage, if you are finding these opportunities to consider cheating. If you were happy in your relationship, you wouldn't be considering cheating.

Throughgrittedteeth · 19/10/2016 12:22

OP I have struggled massively in the past, cheated and messed around and honestly for a really long time I thought there was something wrong with me. Now I'm with someone I have honestly waited years for and it is the easiest thing in the world for me to be faithful. We have an open and honest relationship and every time I see someone who I fancy or if I let my mind wonder back to some bloke I had a fling with, I remind myself of everything I have now (I know that sounds so cheesy!).

It also helps that DP is cracking in bed and the funniest person I know but even if that started to slip I know it would be easy for me to stay faithful.

Don't worry that you have feelings like that though, I think you really should worry if you a)start hiding things from your DP or b)you deliberately put yourself in a situation where temptation is all around.

GoldenVirginia · 19/10/2016 12:24

Monogamy made me really, really unhappy when I did it. So now I don't.

FunkinEll · 19/10/2016 12:25

I don't work (I'm a SAHP) so don't the opportunity to socialise with men as much as I did when I was working. I met my husband at work so there was serially oppourtunity to meet a partner BUT we were both in our early 20s and single.

There were relationships happening between married members of staff mind you, often people knew all about them, a couple of the directors were at it in fact and were totally indiscreet.

I definitely am still able to fancy people but not to the point I'd want to act on it.

pipsqueak25 · 19/10/2016 12:26

a straight no from me.

MuseumOfCurry · 19/10/2016 12:29

I found it pretty tough in the early years when I was a hot young thing and I travelled a lot for work. I've never strayed, though - ultimately I believe in fidelity.

Now in my early 40s I don't find it hard at all.

FWIW, I'm not very good with monogamy so I don't do it. And that works for me and DH.

Do you mind my asking, do you have an open marriage? Can you elaborate a bit?

stumblymonkey · 19/10/2016 12:35

In what way do you get opportunities at work?

Genuinely interested....

whycantwegoonasthree · 19/10/2016 12:44

I don't think that struggling with monogamy means that someone is necessarily unhappy with the person they're with, or should leave the relationship.

It may be the relationship setup which doesn't work for them, not the person they're in it with.

So I would suggest they need to have a frank conversation with their partner about the way they organise their relationship if it's no longer working for them.

Not that that's an easy thing to do either...

RollerDiscoQueen · 19/10/2016 12:45

If you were happy in your relationship, you wouldn't be considering cheating.

Not necessarily. Some people just struggle with the concept of monogamy. Obviously this doesn't mean you should go ahead and cheat but I think the OP is musing as to how she feels constrained by monogamy. Perfectly normal imo.

RollerDiscoQueen · 19/10/2016 12:45

x post with whycant.

MeganChips · 19/10/2016 12:47

I do OP.

I don't know if it's my personality but I do seem to get opportunities. It's probably work, I'm another who works in an open, sometimes flirty office with a lot of networking opportunities and conferences though I haven't acted on it.

I also have a very Sid James sense of humour and can't exist an innuendo which is sometimes misinterpreted.

I have been with DH 18 years and I think he knows I struggle with it. It's just ignored. I love him (although don't fancy him so much these days) and don't want to break up our family but man, sometimes it's very hard indeed.

Mismatched libidos don't help.

ShoesieQ · 19/10/2016 12:52

EatMe - Thanks! Grin

Anonfor - I agree with EatMe - it does sound like you're handling it really well. Hope that things get easier soon. Flowers

UnoriginalNN · 19/10/2016 12:53

My DF was a bit of a bugger for staying faithful makes light of what was an awful time for all involved and my DBro seems to think infidelity is "in our blood" (yes, really) and so has fun with that I think. I have been unfaithful when younger, but not within my marriage, and I just wouldn't now. I have actively removed myself from situations where there is even a glimmer of possibility, because I am just not interested. DH deserves more than that - I can't even think about the damage that would do to our DD having been there myself.

LikeDylanInTheMovies · 19/10/2016 12:54

Opportunities?

Bloody hell, I spent most of the early party of my 20s single by choice (theirs). It was hard enough to find one woman to sleep with me, let alone two simultaneously!

RebeccaWithTheGoodHair · 19/10/2016 12:55

In what way do you get opportunities at work?

Talking about flirting rather than an actual affair, it's that standing a bit too close, signing off an email with an initial, a small private joke and holding a look too long. It doesn't have to be much but you kind of know what they are thinking.

wasonthelist · 19/10/2016 12:58

So far seem unable to do long term relationships (and running out of time and candidates) - but am a serial monogamist.

DrDreReturns · 19/10/2016 13:00

The only time anyone has expressed any interest in me since I left University has been at work. But then I don't get out much.

RebeccaWithTheGoodHair · 19/10/2016 13:04

Personally I think it's work rather than going out where you get more opportunity. You're with people for a long time, you have things in common (work!), and you have to communicate.

Thinking it through I can't see how people don't flirt in those circumstances, I missed it when I was off with DD. Now I have other people to interact with and show interest in me I feel more back to myself.

DP has never been a demonstrative person so maybe it's having the validation that I'm attractive and even if nothing will come of it then it's just nice to have that moment when anything seems possible. Doesn't mean I don't love DP though or would want to break up our relationship for the sake of a fling.

TolpuddleFarterOATB · 19/10/2016 13:13

Been with DH 11 years.

I wouldn't say I find monogamy hard, per se, as I have always been faithful. However , I have had a few flirtations over the years (mostly at work), and I'm not sure how far I would actually go to be honest. I think I like feeling attractive to men other than my husband.

farfallarocks · 19/10/2016 13:15

I never have and I never will but I like the idea of it to be honest

farfallarocks · 19/10/2016 13:16

And I do like a good flirt

Chemistria · 19/10/2016 13:19

people are different, just because someone finds it so incredibly easy doesn't mean others do.

I've never cheated, however my ex and I (we are still best friends) had an agreement that if we were ever attracted to someone else and the situation arose, we would go for it. I loved her deeply, I was never worried about my feelings towwards her or her for me. In the end we had a couple of threesomes, there were a couple of people who i was strongly attracted to while we were together but nothing happened.

the main reason i was ok with it was that she had been in a relationship since she was 14, and then her first proper love died aged 19. She felt like she'd missed out a lot in just being young and carefree. We were both completely in love but I didn't want her to feel trapped, which is why we decided it. I never ever would have gone with anyone else if she wasn't happy with it.

FF to current relationship, been together 5 years and i am completely in love and fancy the pants off her still, but it doesn't mean I haven't been attracted to other people, quite strongly, and both of them were men. again, I never doubted how much I love and am attracted to my OH. Both of these have been men I work with and both times I know they liked me a little too. but i would never have gone behind her back as i know she'd end it in a heartbeat, and plus i love and respect her too much but it doesn't mean I don't feel attracted to these people. Even strongly.

I've told OH both times aswell, as i think the deception makes things more exciting. Much as she doesn't necessarily understand it, I'd rather be honest and the feelings have diminished pretty soon after.

Anyway after all that rambling, no you're not alone in how youre feeling.

No1KnowsWhatTheyreGettingInto · 19/10/2016 13:20

I've never found monogamy difficult. I know I could never, ever cheat on my DP. I've too much respect for him. There's no way I could look him in the eye and lie. I can't even tell white lies to him.

I'd end the relationship before I'd cheat. And it would have to be a properly amazing person to turn my head from DP as well. I'd never risk it all for a mediocre shag.

Saying that, I've never been given the opportunity to cheat either. I work mainly with women and don't get out much these days! I'm a shattered mum of two. No one apart from DP has propositioned me in years!

Kel1234 · 19/10/2016 13:21

I've been with oh since 2014, and married since 2015, and I've never struggled with being faithful.
Yes I've seen other men and thought they are attractive, but I'd never ever do anything about it.