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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask if you find monogamy/fidelity difficult?

215 replies

EatMeKeepMe · 19/10/2016 10:21

If you're in love/with "the one", and have been with them long term, do you find it challenging to stay monogamous?

My DH (been together 14 years, have kids, etc) is my absolute best friend and soul mate, and I really fancy him. But there are still times when it's really hard not to take opportunities with other people. I never would, but it makes me wonder: is it always hard to behave yourself in long term relationships? Or is it effortless for some people? If you find it effortless, is this because of something you've done (chastity belt?), or has it always come naturally to you?

OP posts:

OldBootNewBoots · 20/10/2016 09:37

isn't it like a lot of things though, your long term happiness and better angels of your nature fighting a war with the dirty sleazy side that occasionally wants a few thrills? Or is that just me :)

Original poster

EatMeKeepMe · 20/10/2016 10:41

I think I agree, OldBoots. For some people, it seems there is more of a conflict between immediate desires and "what you think is right"/want to do long term. This thread has taught me that for others (assuming they're not just bullshitting to make us feel bad ) desires and "higher" commitments seem to match up perfectly ("I only fancy my husband, which is nice" responses).

OP posts:

YelloDraw · 20/10/2016 10:44

This has been a really interesting thread, thanks everyone who has shared

motherinferior · 20/10/2016 11:26

Yes, I can't imagine only fancying one person ever.

Or not having at least a pang at the thought that glorious new sex with a different partner is off the agenda.

Olddear · 20/10/2016 11:43

Oh monogamy is very easy. I'm 59. I'm practically invisible.

tabulahrasa · 20/10/2016 11:46

"Part of me thinks that the 'Oh monogamy is easy. I only have eyes for my husband.' crew lack imagination."

Well I find it hard to imagine being even fairly happy in a relationship and also feeling like you wanted to be with someone else...but I don't know if it's imagination so much as just, that's not how I am...

I don't only have eyes for my DP in that I don't notice other people are attractive - it just doesn't cross my mind that that means anything other than I have functional eyes and some people are more attractive than others.

"I think the urge for monogamy or not has very little to do with partners - and more to do with personalities"

It's probably an interaction of both, I'd think?

albertatrilogy · 20/10/2016 11:49

I actually wonder if you get more visible again as you age. The children get older, leave home.

I've got more time now, and have made some changes which mean I lost - and kept off - some weight. I'm going out more again, meeting more people.

I go to a class which involves dancing. You keep rotating, changing partners. It's social, in the most general sense of the word. But there's something in the movement, the interaction, the music which makes you aware of your own sexuality.

MaidOfStars · 20/10/2016 11:52

I'm too tired to deal with one man let alone any more than that
This is pretty much how my husband states his fidelity in our relationship. Except man>woman and tired>lazy.

justilou · 20/10/2016 12:46

I don't, but that is because I had enough experience prior to meeting him to know that I am not wondering what I am missing..... He has said the same thing to me.

GoldenVirginia · 20/10/2016 13:30

I tend to think of monogamy as an arrangement that has some real practical advantages - sharing a household, bringing up children, looking after somebody who will look after you.

Those things aren't inherent in monogamy, though. Plenty of monogamous relationships don't have them, and plenty of non-monogamous relationships do.

blueshoes · 20/10/2016 19:52

Birdy talks sense.

RoundandAroundSheGoes · 20/10/2016 19:56

I've always been monogamous; my ex's felt differently about the situation and I was cheated on by every single one.

I had plenty of opportunities to cheat. I didn't do it because it's wrong. That was despite being desperately miserable and in abusive relationships with some horrific men.

If you believe in a principle, you stick to it.

WhooooAmI24601 · 20/10/2016 20:02

I don't believe in "the one" at all. I think you meet loads of "the one's" through your life and when you find someone you genuinely love, you work at it and if you get very lucky and they work as hard as you do it lasts.

However, I do believe in monogamy and couldn't be in a relationship without it. I go out with friends sometimes and see folk flirting and searching and it just makes me incredibly thankful to have someone lovely to go home to. I don't pretend it's perfect; nothing is. I know for an absolute fact that the grass isn't greener on anyone's side of the fence, though. My Dad always used to tell me that everyone's shit stinks. It's crass, but he was right; everyone will piss you off and get on your nerves at times. You might have butterflies in your tummy at the start but the very best bit is what comes later on; the solidity and consideration and kindness. For me that's worth so much more than the initial flirty nonsense you get from odd men in bars offering to buy you a drink.

Tryingtostayyoung · 20/10/2016 20:37

I've been with DH for 9 years married for 3 - I have never struggled with not being faithful I think this has something to do with that before I was with DH let's say I explored a lot () I was quite promiscuous and really enjoyed myself but also made me realise that DH is definitely my pick and I don't feel "cheated" out of experiencing new people.
DH on the other hand didn't really sleep with more than 1 person before we were together and this IMO resulted in a very brief split we had 6ish years ago for a few months, he slept with a couple people, I think he needed to experience abit. I'm glad it happened because it also means he feels like he's had some experiences now.

Chemistria · 23/10/2016 11:31

I posted earlier but have just read all the replies now, and (I'm not sure how to tag people) but Maid, your answer was like it was coming from my head.

I also completely disasociate love and sex - I'd love to experience sex with loads of different people, men and women, but not for a second do I think I'd fall in love with anybody else, I might fancy them a bit yes but I love my partner completely, and we have a brilliant sex life (maybe not so much now due to pregnancy).

Both my LTR's, I couldnt have loved them more. I feel connected, safe, and am not / was not in any doubts that I'd want to spend my life with them. Obviously with ex GF that didn't happen but that was for other reasons.

Ironically, I think ex GF had a grass is greener moment. I know she didn't sexually cheat but I've a feeling she got emotionally connected to another older woman. I wish she had been able to talk to me about it to be honest, although I'm very glad it ended as I wouldn't have met my current partner.

any of the intense crushes I've had during both my LTR's, I'm guessing has been lust as I've never really got to know them deeply, and neither would I want to.

Just because I haven't experienced being in love with more than one person at the same time doesn't mean I don't think it can happen, if you're both happy to be in a polyamourous relationship. I can easily understand sex with more than one person but love, I might struggle with.

I have a few friends / friends parents though who are in loving relationships with more than one person.

Anyway, I'm at work at the moment so I'd better get on with what I'm meant to be doing

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