To ask if you find monogamy/fidelity difficult?

[EatMeKeepMe]

If you're in love/with "the one", and have been with them long term, do you find it challenging to stay monogamous?

My DH (been together 14 years, have kids, etc) is my absolute best friend and soul mate, and I really fancy him. But there are still times when it's really hard not to take opportunities with other people. I never would, but it makes me wonder: is it always hard to behave yourself in long term relationships? Or is it effortless for some people? If you find it effortless, is this because of something you've done (chastity belt?), or has it always come naturally to you?

I wouldn't say 'struggle', but I do miss having sex with 'new' people. I found that really good fun.

DH wouldn't go for it though, and that's ok. - Opportunities have definitely been on the decline too. :)

What I find odd about this kind of question is when people start discussing whether humans are 'meant' to be monogamous. Unless you believe in a god who has designs for us, there is no 'meant to'.

You decide. Either you think that the benefits of an exclusive relationship are worth the restrictiveness of monogamy or you don't. There are all sorts of other things that humans would probably be doing if we hadn't developed civilised behavioural norms since cavemen times, but largely the benefits of those behaviours outweigh the freedom to... say... beat someone to death with a rock for ruining your cave painting.

I guess some people find it harder to remain faithful than others, but I don't buy any of the usual excuses or reasons for this tbh. It's probably largely selfishness, the belief that their desires outweigh anyone else's happiness or just a lack of self-control. And lack of self-knowledge - if you don't think monogamy is for you then you owe it to others not to get into a monogamous relationship with them.

Oh and of course the myth of 'the one', which does nobody any favours because it makes people have unrealistic expectations of what a long-term relationship will actually be like and therefore feel that the grass might be greener as soon as the shine has worn off.

Opportunities at work: Staying away a lot, lots of lonely people in hotel rooms, too much drinking. It is easy to see how liaisons could occur.

I used to travel a lot for work (IT projects) and saw a lot of difference between teams. Some teams were unfaithful with lots of casual relationships mostly with each other. Some were faithful almost fraternal in their nature.

Personally I was never really tempted to stray. Once, on the way back from a trip a colleague with whom I had been friendly, chatty invited me in when I dropped him off at home. I knew his partner was at work and something about the invitation made me make a conscious decision to put a few more barriers up. I knew that if anything had happened then I would not have been able to go home to my DH.

I love my DH completely and would never cheat on him yet I cheated on my last partner to be with him. I was young and I regret it. The older I've gotten the easier it's been to be faithful largely because I can see the huge ramifications for all those involved. If I didn't have children I'd be willing to explore an open relationship but not in the context of a marriage with children. There's too much at stake for them if it all goes pear shaped. That and DH wouldn't want to have a open relationship and I certainly wouldn't give him up just for the sake of new encounters. I do wish I'd had more partners in my youth. There are plenty of opportunities if you are a professional who spends long hours with colleagues especially travelling. I'd say 50% of those I've worked with have cheated on a spouse/partner with a work colleague.

No, due to:

1. Lack of opportunity - we spend most of our free time together. I'm not remotely attracted to the men I work with either.

1. Lack of interest - I honestly haven't met another man who would make me think the grass is greener. Dh is the best I've ever met or I'm ever likely to. I can find a man attractive to look at but invariably as soon as they open their mouth that's where the attraction stops.

We've been together 30+ years, I've never even felt tempted to have an affair

Caveat I am not in a ltr but I have been. Yes it was hard but he withheld sex for months on end etc.

From a now single perspective I'm beginning to think monogamy is not for me and I would prefer a poly or open relationship.

Happily married for 27 years. I have had no problem remaining faithful despite having clear invitations to do otherwise (years ago). I have no interest in other men romantically or physically. I love my husband and he is everything I need in a man.

Having extra marital sex with a work colleague or associate sounds like a fast track to becoming divorced and unemployed.

I've never struggled with monogamy, sowed my oats before marriage but surely everyone knows that work place affairs are a disaster zone with women far more likely to end up as the casualty?

My DH is the only person I've been with who I have been entirely faithful to - and it's been no struggle. Which surprised me. We've been together 11 years now.

There are still all sorts of attractive people around, but they are not 'opportunities' to me. At all. Part of it is that I am in a happy relationship. I used to cheat to feel powerful or desirable. I liked the secrecy. I often did it vindictively, to feel I was getting one over on my partner. I sometimes did it because I was bored, or it seemed glamorous or interesting or urbane. It was shitty behaviour.

I'm not in a work environment anymore where there's loads of drinking, and conferences away where these sorts of shenanigans are encouraged, and I think that also helps. These days the idea of having sex with other people is actively unpleasant to me.

Having extra marital sex with a work colleague or associate sounds like a fast track to becoming divorced and unemployed

Well yes, absolutely.
That's partly why I, for one, don't do it.
It seems that for some this knowledge is enough to remove the existence of the physiological temptation (or perhaps some are less likely to feel the temptation at all due to, e.g., hormonal factors). For others (like me), the knowledge of consequences and desire not to hurt others seems to stop them acting on it, but this is an active effort to achieve. For still others, the temptation is clearly too great, and people do succumb to it (not so much on this thread it seems). (And then there are clearly people in other models of relationships for whom it's not the same issue anyway).

It's been quite interesting to see some of the slightly defensive/aggressive responses to the idea that these temptations can even develop.

it's easier now i'm older, and tired, and I'd never jeopardize my dcs stability. Over 20 years I'm sure we've both been attracted to other people and i can completely understand the allure of a ONS if my DH would never find out (I still couldn't do it though) just for the thrill of the new, should Sam Heughan ever come knocking. I'm sure that's pretty common. A friend once said at a conference she went to recently she had no fewer than 6 guys make a pass at her (nearly all married).

If you've never been 'woken up' to the possibility of a sexy illicit fling, it's easy to stay faithful.

If you have, it's the most difficult thing in the world. Oxytocin is stronger than crack.

For those of you congratulating yourselves on your moral sense, do take a moment of gratitude too- you've been good but you've also been lucky.

The divorce and unemployment thing sounds almost Victorian. The Fallen Woman etc.

Even if your workplace has a policy about not having relationships with colleagues etc, I don't think what you do in your private life gets you sacked. (People might get moved around to avoid line management problems, I suppose.)

Similarly, while infidelity undoubtedly can cause great unhappiness, is it as simple as A: Discover infidelity. B: instantly instigate divorce proceedings on the ground of adultery.

I'm not arguing in favour of or against anything. Just saying that life seems more complicated than that.

I don't find it difficult at all, I'm not even sure what you mean by opportunities other than being approached on a night out, but even if I was single is turn down most of them as it's usually the full on verging on aggressive chat ups I get.

I work with men and women and I can't say I've noticed opportunities.

I don't flirt though, not as a decision, just, it's not something I'm ever aware of doing.

I'm talkative, I'm sociable but not flirty, I don't think anyway.

I don't know, maybe I just don't notice anything or people don't present opportunities to me?

As someone (sorry, can't remember who) described well earlier, opportunities can present in the inevitable development of friendships with colleagues. Most of these are purely platonic friendships. Occasionally, you'll get a surprise connection, and there is something to resist. The only way to prevent the temptation entirely would probably be to stop working with people of the opposite sex (for heterosexual people), or stop open lines of communication. Perhaps to some that's desirable.

I've been with DH for 8 1/2 years, married for 6 1/2 - I don't find monogamy hard at all and have never been unfaithful. It's just not for me, even when I've been in unhappy relationships.

For me, if it got to the point where I was wanting to be with someone new then I always ended the relationship. I've been lucky that the majority of my exes were decent men. Sure I always had an active sex life when I was single, but I'm fundamentally a one-man woman and when I'm in a relationship, I'm in it 100%.

And I love my husband, find him sexy as hell and value what we have together, even though there are often opportunities to get my head turned. I just wouldn't though, not only because I just haven't been interested in other men since we met, but because what I would stand to lose would be so much greater than what I would gain for a drunken, regrettable fumble.

Of course I have no judgement over those who don't commit to monogamy, or find it difficult, we're all different. It just seems that monogamy is my natural state.

Another thing that occurs to me reading this thread is that, for me, sex with 'new' people has always been terrible. The idea of an illicit affair was always better than the reality. I could fancy someone to the ends of the earth but more often than not when it came down to it I'd find he kissed like a walrus / smelt a bit funny / had painfully pointy bones in awkward places / had a vigorous penchant for a sexual activity I find onerous. So the main thrill was a psychological one. I've always had better sex with people I've known a while and got the hang of physically.

I think there are parts of your life where you don't bring in your marital status, talk about your kids etc. It's about giving yourself a bit of space - not always being wife or mother. (Sort of a feminist thing)

I don't call myself Mrs. I don't wear a ring.

I have one or two strong interests my partner doesn't share, and my work is related to those interests. (It's important to have different interests.) He can't possibly be 'everything' to me.

But now and then - maybe a couple of times quite seriously - I've found myself connecting to somebody who shares those interests and it's quite a powerful thing. Not overtly flirty. Not a chat up. It's cerebral - but quite emotional too.

So then it's necessary to draw back a bit while also allowing the positive things about that connection to continue.

"Occasionally, you'll get a surprise connection, and there is something to resist. "

See I don't know what that means though...

I have friendships with both sexes at work, there's never anything to resist.

Maybe it doesn't happen for some people then, tabulah.

tabluahrasa were you flirty/picked up signals when you were single?

That isn't a disparaging or insulting question btw just trying to understand from a different perspective because whenever I have a group of friends there is always someone (male or female) who I'll flirt with and will flirt back. It doesn't always have to be sexual, with females generally not, but it is there and it's nice.

I also actually like DP to flirt with other people, to my mind it must do his psyche good to know other females find him attractive.

I think for me a lot of friendships are quite surface. Quite shallow. You chat about this and that, but really it's just politeness and niceness and passing the time.

And then out you really 'connect' with somebody. You 'get' them and they 'get' you. It can happen with either sex. But there's a kind of emotional rush.

So if one's heterosexual and the other person is of the opposite sex, and the sense is a mutual one - it can just unsettle you. (Or me.)

I don't think of myself as morally superior or anything and I can totally understand that when you're going through an unhappy stage in a relationship you're at your weakest and opportunities have a tendency of presenting themselves etc. It has just genuinely never occurred to me, though I often go misty eyed for those passionate early years. I just think you have to be best friends first and foremost to ensure a relationship endures when that passion fades. For me, my dh truly is my best friend and jeopardising that, and our children's happiness and family stability, is too much of a risk. If I ever look at an attractive man, my second thought is how he might actually compare to dh as a husband, father and individual. That's not to say I put dh on a pedestal, of course he has his faults, I have just never come across a man who would compare favourably for one reason or another.