Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 15 16

Original poster

To think that sleeping around is perfectly fine?

379 replies

Kikibanana86 · 15/08/2016 20:16

Ok so I have had my fair share of one night stands, flings, relationships, oh and a marriage!

I've had quite a "good time" since my separation last year, and my close friends are very supportive and usually eager to hear the gossip!

I don't want a relationship as I have children, my house, career prospects etc and I love being single. I do however have a high sex drive and I do like male attention so I have quite a few friends with benefits and I still do all the tinder/pof stuff too.

An old friend I don't live near anymore made some quite judgemental comments about what I was getting up to and it surprised me, as none of my friends are like that and actually admit to living vicariously thorough me

So I was thinking about it, and why do some people think it's wrong to have casual sex with as many people as you like as long as it's consensual, you use protection and you're not cheating on anyone?

I can't think of any reasons why? Where does it come from? Religion? Keeping women in their place?

OP posts:

ComedyWing · 15/08/2016 22:09

Gosh a lot of old-fashioned 'Nice girls don't' hiding behind faux concern about safety and STDs.

mrstimothyclaypole · 15/08/2016 22:20

Good for you! Enjoy yourself, the bollocks on this thread about casual sex being vulgar etc is ridiculous. It's no one else's business and its 2016 ffs, news flash WOMEN LIKE SEX TOO!

LynetteScavo · 15/08/2016 22:20

I don't think it's a case of "nice girls don't", more a case of "happy girls don't".

I'm sounding like a drunk granny at a wedding now

Overthinker2016 · 15/08/2016 22:21

Gwen. Literally know one I know has ever had a genuine surprise.

If you use contraception properly the chances are remote. If you take chances / risks then you may be unlucky.

You use contraception. If you know it has failed you take emergency contraception. Not that hard.

If you even occasionally don't bother or don't use it correctly then it's not really a surprise is it?

minifingerz · 15/08/2016 22:25

Logically I think YANBU

But then I remember when I was promiscuous (between the ages of 16 and 21) and TBH I ended up having sex with people who I had no affection or respect for, and with people who didn't really feel very much for me either, and it all felt a bit pitiful really. Sex is such an intense thing to share with someone who you don't have strong feelings for or much emotional intimacy with.

If I was single now I'd rely on fantasy and um.. 'Self abuse'

LynetteScavo · 15/08/2016 22:26

My genuine surprise has only just gone to bed.

My friends and family in RL have no idea and think I wanted for fill up the fourth bedroom. If you use contraception properly the chances are remote. But not that remote. The abortion threads on MN should tell you that.

user1469358934 · 15/08/2016 22:26

There have been several social studies which looked into how women judge each other for perceived sexual availability, sexual partners, etc. and often there is quite negative responses to women who display overt sexual behaviour or have had many sexual partners.

One study stated that it was because many women use sex as a kind of 'currency' to get what they want from men (commitment, a relationship), whereas men use a relationship to get sex..... and therefore women see other women who 'give it away for free' are a threat to them and their chances of finding/ keeping a partner.

Similar studies also show women judge other women who dress provocatively very harshly, as it is seen to be a manifestation of their sexual availability....again a perceived threat.

I think there is probably a certain amount of truth to this, however it makes a lot of generalisations about both men and women, and of course there are always exceptions.

slightlypreoccupied · 15/08/2016 22:27

It isn't personally for me as I tend these days too getting attached! But I did when I was younger and if that is what you enjoy then fair play to you. As long as you know the risks, take precautions and are honest with yourself then it is surely your choice.

AgentJ · 15/08/2016 22:29

It's not even "happy girls don't" more "happy people don't" in my experience.

However, OP says she's quite happy so meh. Your life!

motherinferior · 15/08/2016 22:30

Of course it's fine.

I had some really terrific sex that way.

YelloDraw · 15/08/2016 22:33

Nothing wrong with it as long as it's consensual and safe.

Some people view sex as something hugely emotional and only want to do it with a long term partner.

Others view it as a fun activity to partake in with other people looking for the same thing.

Horses for courses.

CustardCream1 · 15/08/2016 22:35

I know some have objected to my comments, call me old fashioned but I don't think it's right that when you have kids you should be sleeping with random men. I know you say they are away at the time, but if they found out they'd be mortified. It just isn't fair on them. It also can't be good for your emotional health to sleep with strangers. Sex is such an intimate act, do you not feel sad and empty the next day? I also think you are at serious risk of STDs and possibly sexual violence, rape or even worse by sleeping with strangers.

ComedyWing · 15/08/2016 22:40

Custard, that is the greatest load of moralistic, faux-concerned horseshit it's been my misfortune to encounter on here lately. You may feel your children have a right to dictate your sex life, and that sex is or should be intimate and 'meaningful', the OP thinks differently.

Sex is a moral neutral. It's just people playing games with one another's bodies, for heaven's sake.

woodhill · 15/08/2016 22:40

I agree with you Custard.

NeedAnotherGlass · 15/08/2016 22:41

There are so many things that people do that puts them at risk of harm - whether that be driving too fast, not doing enough exercise, eating badly. Casual sex is another thing that some people choose to do. The judgement from lots of others is a moral one more than it is a genuine concern for their safety. They wouldn't have the same concerns around other slightly risky behaviours.

OP, you're a grown up, you clearly know what you are doing and are enjoying yourself - there is nothing unhealthy about that.
Sex is fun, it feels good - there doesn't have to be an emotional connection for everyone.

AnvilAnnie · 15/08/2016 22:45

Pingu

Ted Bundy? Do your children know? Goodness, such pearl clutching on this thread! The 1950s called, they want their attitudes back please!

It was me that mentioned Ted Bundy and it definitely wasn't pearl clutching. And is not 1950s in any sense!

It's a simple point that sleeping with strangers is a risk.

The typical answer to that is "but I met him, can read people well, assessed him blah blah blah".

The Ted Bundy point is that actually the idea that we are all so socially well equipt that we can assess a stranger on a couple of meetings (and detect personal risk and danger) is rubbish. Bundy was charming, handsome and charismatic. He was also a serial killer and a very skilled sociopath. No one would pick that up on a couple of dates.

You may joke and call it pearl clutching - but it's a totally different point.

Get naked and alone with a man (usually bigger and stronger) and you are putting yourself at risk.

Ha ha ha low risk you say. How many Ted Bundy's are there? It doesn't have to be a Ted Bundy. It just has to be a man who won't take no for an answer. A man who is into violent sex. A man who gets off on asphyxiation and so on and so on.

TLDR: No one can "read" a skilled sociopath as dangerous. It's how they glide through life. If you think everyone can (or you can) more fool you.

Original poster

Kikibanana86 · 15/08/2016 22:45

Her comments were

"Aren't you worried your fanny will end up looking like a kebab?"

"What will the neighbours think?"

"Aren't you embarrassed to show your body to younger men when you've had kids?"

"Won't you get a reputation?"

Doesn't look so bad written down, it was more the general tone of disapproval.

I don't overly share with this friend, the others seem to enjoy the sharing and ask questions so I answer them.

OP posts:

CustardCream1 · 15/08/2016 22:47

Comedy, I completely disagree with you. As a parent you have a responsibility to behave in a respectable, decent and moralistic way. If I had found out my mother was having sex with random strangers it would have absolutely devastated me. I'm a single mum, but I would not sleep with strangers for anything. I have a child to consider. I would only sleep with someone who I was in a serious relationship with, given I have a daughter.

Original poster

Kikibanana86 · 15/08/2016 22:47

I see your point about the risk of violence but isn't most violence against women committed by men they are in a relationship with? So basically going anywhere near any man is a risk. Which is going into radfem territory and a whole other thread lol.

OP posts:

magoria · 15/08/2016 22:49

hahaha OP

My DP is 17 years younger than me, he has never had a negative comment about my body (-;

Original poster

Kikibanana86 · 15/08/2016 22:50

Custard what I mean in the op though us why is casual sex seen as a moral issue? My kids have had the sex talk with me and I didn't tell them it was for love and baby making only, I said sometimes people do it for fun because it feels nice, which may be controversial but I did google it before hand and apparently it's a good way to talk about it!

OP posts:

Lweji · 15/08/2016 22:51

I also think you are at serious risk of STDs and possibly sexual violence, rape or even worse by sleeping with strangers.

As well as long term partners, in fact.

Overthinker2016 · 15/08/2016 22:52

Not sure how anyone can judge who is happy and who is not? Do enlighten me.

I have never had any trouble not getting pregnant, personally. Not saying a surprise can never happen but it is a remote risk.

Also if there are so many Ted Bundys and sociopaths out there how can you ever know? How can you ever meet someone new, even to have a monogamous relationship with? Essentially we should all just avoid men altogether. Someone ending up being a Ted Bundy is also quite s remote risk i'd say.

milpool · 15/08/2016 22:52

Custard actually, I'd argue that as a person you have a responsibility to behave in a decent and moralistic way. Being a parent has nothing to do with it.

Incidentally, having safe, consensual sex doesn't stop you being a decent, respectable person with morals. If casual sex isn't for you then that's fine, but you don't have the right to suggest that someone is morally inferior for partaking in it.

OreosAreTasty · 15/08/2016 22:53

I've never understood the whole fanny stretching thing. So it's fine if I have sex with the same bloke every day, my fanny only stretches if it's a different bloke each time :S riiiiighty ho

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 15 16