Active discussions

Best Amazon Prime Day deals: Mumsnet favourites

Best Amazon Prime Day deals:
Mumsnet favourites

Shop now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that sleeping around is perfectly fine?

379 replies

Kikibanana86 · 15/08/2016 20:16

Ok so I have had my fair share of one night stands, flings, relationships, oh and a marriage!

I've had quite a "good time" since my separation last year, and my close friends are very supportive and usually eager to hear the gossip!

I don't want a relationship as I have children, my house, career prospects etc and I love being single. I do however have a high sex drive and I do like male attention so I have quite a few friends with benefits and I still do all the tinder/pof stuff too.

An old friend I don't live near anymore made some quite judgemental comments about what I was getting up to and it surprised me, as none of my friends are like that and actually admit to living vicariously thorough me Grin

So I was thinking about it, and why do some people think it's wrong to have casual sex with as many people as you like as long as it's consensual, you use protection and you're not cheating on anyone?

I can't think of any reasons why? Where does it come from? Religion? Keeping women in their place?

OP posts:
Overthinker2016 · 15/08/2016 22:53

Well said milpool

milpool · 15/08/2016 22:54

Oreos absolutely! Makes no sense Confused

AnyFucker · 15/08/2016 22:54

"Doesn't look so bad written down" ?

Yes it bloody does. Those are vile things to say.

GarlicMistake · 15/08/2016 22:54

do you not feel sad and empty the next day?

Oh, good grief. The most spectacular sex I ever had was with a horrendously unsuitable man. I wasn't hoping to make him fall in lurve with me, looking for emotional fulfilment or desperate to be in a couple (certainly not with him!)

We had the most amazing three weeks or so. You would be jealous of that particular episode, I suspect. It was glamorous & exciting, as well as hotel-bed-breaking. I ended it.

CustardCream1 · 15/08/2016 22:55

Maybe I'm behind the times Kiki, I was brought up to believe that sex should be in a loving relationship. My main concern is whether the men you meet on tinder or pof could turn violent towards you. How do you know they are safe and whether they are STD free?

CustardCream1 · 15/08/2016 22:57

Garlic good for you is all I can say. I give my views case by case and yours sounds like a good one.

StillDrSethHazlittMD · 15/08/2016 22:57

I'd just like to know where you find all these FWBs. As a man who has been single for 6 years I wouldn't mind a casual encounter or two but how do you find them?? Someone once suggested Tinder but 90% of female profiles specify " no hook ups/casual fun"

OreosAreTasty · 15/08/2016 22:57

Where does op state she only shags strangers though?
Would it be ok if it was a long time friend?
Or a loosely known friend of a friend rather than a randomer from the bar? I could've missed something here but a one night stand doesn't necessarily mean that they're strangers :S

AnyFucker · 15/08/2016 22:58

You don't like men much do you, custard ?

How strange it is that feminists get accused of man hating...

Original poster
Kikibanana86 · 15/08/2016 22:58

Well I don't exactly the same as you don't when you spend 3 dates or however many times "nice" girls wait till they sleep with someone. I take precautions, I use condoms and the pill and I tell a friend where I am and who I'm with. Not sure what else I can do tbh!

OP posts:
Lweji · 15/08/2016 22:58

Custard, how out of reality are you?

The biggest danger for women ARE their regular partners. For STDs as well, particularly if they cheat. Much less if you are careful in a less regular relationship.

And all that morality talk, having sex with whoever anyone wants is not stealing, hurting anyone, or cheating.

AgainPlease · 15/08/2016 23:00

Nothing wrong with casual sex so long as condoms and the morning after pill are involved!

I slept with well over 50 guys before I settled down with DH at age 25. How do you know what you like until you've tried a bit of everything off the menu?

Keep doing you OP!

Original poster
Kikibanana86 · 15/08/2016 23:01

stilldrseth I think it's easier for women to find it unfortunately. I use tinder,pof and I meet men when I go out or that are friends of friends. I'm less likely to take someone back to mine when I've met them on a night out for some reason, I don't know why!

OP posts:
WannaBe · 15/08/2016 23:01

Whatever you do in the privacy of your bedroom is your business. But that's the thing, it's pretty grim to be flaunting your sexual exploits to friends, colleagues etc, be that with a regular partner or a series of random men off the street. People really don't want to know.

And while your kids don't need to know, inviting strings of random men to their home is incredibly irresponsible regardless of whether they're there.

Original poster
Kikibanana86 · 15/08/2016 23:03

They do want to know they ask me! Probably because they're all stuck in marriages and don't get to have sex anymore!

OP posts:
Gwenhwyfar · 15/08/2016 23:04

"why is casual sex seen as a moral issue?"

Apart from the STD problem and the problem of not knowing who a baby's father is (the latter being less relevant these days with DNA tests and help for single mothers I suppose), I suppose there's the idea of 'using' someone i.e. using someone's body for your own pleasure without caring about them and seeing them as a 'body' rather than as a full person.

CustardCream1 · 15/08/2016 23:05

Anyfucker I don't have a problem with men at all. In terms of STDs if you are sleeping with men you meet on tinder or pof the liklihood is they are having one night stands with other women, who are having one night stands with other men, and so it goes on. All it takes is for a condom to slip off, which can easily happen for you to catch an STD, or through oral sex.

bibbitybobbityyhat · 15/08/2016 23:07

Statistically, though, more women are at risk from long term partners than from casual relationships because there are more women IN long term relationships than not. So you can't really compare the two risks, they are different things.

Just like most children are at risk from family members than from strangers. Their overall exposure to family or close friends is just simply greater/more frequent/more day-to-day than their exposure to strangers.

NicknameUsed · 15/08/2016 23:11

How do you know that people don't judge men who sleep around as well? Double standards don't always apply.

I don't care what you do, as long as you aren't hurting anyone.

sofato5miles · 15/08/2016 23:11

Custard. Did you read the PP talkinf abput sex as a currency? What are your views?

Birdsgottafly · 15/08/2016 23:13

Having sex with a 'stranger' and being alone with one, carries the same risk, so we'll all have to go back to being chaperoned, until married (and then become another statistic).

My Adult DDs don't care about my sex life, but they know that I don't want a relationship, they certainly aren't "mortified".

"""Aren't you embarrassed to show your body to younger men when you've had kids?"""

I pity the Wonen that have so many body hang ups that it would stop them having the type of sex life that they would want. Or stop them being enjoyed by someone that wants them (and there's a lot of them about, unfortunately.
"""Aren't you worried your fanny will end up looking like a kebab?"""

That's using shame to get Women to behave a certain way, you'll come across people that will infer that you smell differently, because you've had a lot of sex.

It's just a way to feel superior, by trying to humiliate those that choose a different path.

I don't find it easy to have an emotional connection. I don't understand people over 30, who meet someone and within weeks are 'in a relationship' and months later, are moving them into the family home.

I don't want to pretend to someone that there's feelings there, when all I want is a sex life.

I'm approaching 50, I'm happily single, I don't see why I have to be celibate and I certainly won't be shamed into or out of anything.

Birdsgottafly · 15/08/2016 23:17

""I suppose there's the idea of 'using' someone i.e. using someone's body for your own pleasure without caring about them and seeing them as a 'body' rather than as a full person.""

That didn't apply in past times, or to the Cultures that call for female chastity. Women certainly aren't viewed as whole people. Women are very muched lab led by their sex lives.

I do agree though, OP, you need to stop sharing your stories at work.

AnyFucker · 15/08/2016 23:19

Kiki, being "stuck in a marriage" does not necessarily mean you don't get enough sex

Who is being judgemental now ? Hmm

TheRealAdaLovelace · 15/08/2016 23:21

it is not wrong as such, but if you were my friend i would tell you not to do it purely from the standpoint of your own safety.

ComedyWing · 15/08/2016 23:22

Custard, I was also brought up to think sex was something terribly, terribly special, for inside marriage only, and every sexual act open to the conception of children etc etc. Fortunately I grew out of it, and saw it for the patriarchal crap it is.

Also, might I suggest that if the OP were to confine herself to one special relationship, the impact of a potential stepfather on her children's lives would be far more marked, which is something the OP has said she does not want?

Swipe left for the next trending thread