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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that sleeping around is perfectly fine?

379 replies

Kikibanana86 · 15/08/2016 20:16

Ok so I have had my fair share of one night stands, flings, relationships, oh and a marriage!

I've had quite a "good time" since my separation last year, and my close friends are very supportive and usually eager to hear the gossip!

I don't want a relationship as I have children, my house, career prospects etc and I love being single. I do however have a high sex drive and I do like male attention so I have quite a few friends with benefits and I still do all the tinder/pof stuff too.

An old friend I don't live near anymore made some quite judgemental comments about what I was getting up to and it surprised me, as none of my friends are like that and actually admit to living vicariously thorough me Grin

So I was thinking about it, and why do some people think it's wrong to have casual sex with as many people as you like as long as it's consensual, you use protection and you're not cheating on anyone?

I can't think of any reasons why? Where does it come from? Religion? Keeping women in their place?

OP posts:
OreosAreTasty · 15/08/2016 21:00

Yanbu.
I'd do the same (if single) but I do tend to get a bit attached, sometimes.
It's a bit weird as when Dh and I split (for six months) I had a few ONS and was fine but a few I found it hard not to get attached to, so I probably wouldn't do it again.

Primaryteach87 · 15/08/2016 21:02

I think it's sad and emotionally unhealthy for the people involved but I don't reserve that opinion for women. I think that it holds true for men too.

I don't think badly of the person, but I'd do feel sorry for them...

RosieandJim89 · 15/08/2016 21:03

I find it funny that some men have a habit of sleeping around but then judge women for sleeping around- er...confused anyone?

IfNotNowThenWhenever · 15/08/2016 21:03

I was trying out no strings relationships, but ended up meeting a man who I am now exclusive with, despite me trying to head him off at the pass. He's completely perfect for me, the git.Grin
So, sometimes, maybe, being out for a good time not a long time is a good way to actually relax and let love come to you. Even when you're not looking for it!

Viviene · 15/08/2016 21:04

Don't listen to them, they are probably jealous ;-)
Have fun!

IfNotNowThenWhenever · 15/08/2016 21:06

Thing is, lots of my friend had ons at a young age, and yes, felt used. I didn't have any until 20s and 30s, and honestly never felt used, always saw it as fun, genuinely. Ted Bundy? Really???Confused

practy · 15/08/2016 21:06

I don't care who other women have sex with. But my concern would be if you got pregnant. No contraception is 100%

Ginkypig · 15/08/2016 21:07

There's a difference between somone not choosing that lifestyle for themselves and somone judging you because of your choice.

Saying that though the flip side is if you wouldn't choose it for yourself you probably don't want to hear all the details from the friend who does.

Not saying you do that op but I did know a woman who with no prompting from me just would not shut up about penis shapes and hairy this and he flipped upside down that. I really couldn't have given a toss but she took it as a slight that I was not enthralled by her magical sex tales!

toffeeboffin · 15/08/2016 21:07

They are jealous.

NickiFury · 15/08/2016 21:08

I always develop feelings for the men I sleep with. I have to really like them to sleep with them in the first place so it's natural really. Then I feel like rubbish for a week or so after, like a horrible come down, so I can't do it.

Good luck to those who can though Smile

froubylou · 15/08/2016 21:12

Do what, or whoever, you want to OP.

I did it when I was young. I had ONS, fwb and casual relationships. I regret 1 or 2 as either I or they got hurt. But as long as you are honest then it really isn't any ones business but your own.

The only thing I would say is be careful what you share with work colleagues. While they might appear interested and excited about your nights of passion they can either judge or use it against you at a later date. Either directly or indirectly. I was always a bit cautious about what work knew about my personal life especially my sex life.

And I know at least 2 of my fwbs would have been hurt to find out I had discussed our sex life with colleagues. And I would be if I was the one under discussion.

toffeeboffin · 15/08/2016 21:13

Honestly OP, in your shoes I'd be doing the same - shagging attractive men as much as I could!

Good for you.

Just because you are having sex doesn't mean there's emotional attachment. Your having sex like a man and enjoying it Grin

LynetteScavo · 15/08/2016 21:14

Actually, I don't think that just becuase you believe shagging lots with no ties is a GOOD THING means you are open minded.

If you 100% are doing it for the sex, and the sex alone, then I get it.... but there are many, many other reasons to have lots of sex with people you don't really know, and in the long term I don't believe sex is the answer the person is looking for.

And along the way risks are taken. But hey, if you genuinely feel you are being fulfilled by random sexual encounters, then enjoy, but I totally agree with this;

Firsttimer82 Mon 15-Aug-16 20:54:33
I slept around in my twenties and I am convinced that its just not good for your self worth. I'm yet to meet a woman who truly feels empowered by shagging around

phoenix1973 · 15/08/2016 21:15

But what if you pick up a random, take him back to your and he hurts you or worse? Your kids would be safe with their dad, but what a horrid thing to happen to their mum.

I think there is nothing wrong in a woman having a fulfilling sex life outside a relationship. Why not?

But for me, the difference between men doing this and women doing this, is the level of risk a woman puts herself at.

That's what isn't fair about it all.

PlentyOfPubeGardens · 15/08/2016 21:19

as long as it's consensual, you use protection and you're not cheating on anyone

Sounds fine to me Smile What were your friend's comments?

AnyFucker · 15/08/2016 21:20

Actually, nothing to do with the judgement you might face but I would knock being the office entertainment on the head.

To me, sex is a private thing. Neither a spectator sport nor a way to titillate other people at (potentially) your own expense. Like somebody said, your partners might not appreciate being used to flag the libido of the office gossips

MermaidTears · 15/08/2016 21:21

I know why because it's a very serious point actually, but,
remember ted Bundy
Just made me laugh so bad lol

Overthinker2016 · 15/08/2016 21:21

Ted Bundy GrinGrin

Also, lol at "are your children aware". The person who asked that should take a good look at themselves - they obviously have inappropriate ideas about what info you should share with your children.

I think it is possible to have sex just for enjoyment and for that to be fulfilling in itself. To a certain degree.

Overthinker2016 · 15/08/2016 21:22

Yeah not sure why you are overly sharing. Don't.

DragonsEggsAreAllMine · 15/08/2016 21:23

The risk of STIs is higher the more partners, meeting strangers on the net and getting private enough to have sex means the risk of rape and violence.

I do think numbers matter to many, I'd hit want a partner who had slept with numerous people before.

Badders123 · 15/08/2016 21:23

Concern?
Are they worried you are putting yourself at risk? (Specifically with the tinder stuff?)
It's either that or they are jealous :)

bibbitybobbityyhat · 15/08/2016 21:24

I knew fairly well someone who was tortured and murdered by their casual fling. This was a person in their 50s who had recently ended a very long term relationship of 20+ years and was enjoying being out on the scene. Apologies for misery plop.

Overthinker2016 · 15/08/2016 21:24

Dragons - many people wouldn't want a judgemental partner like you so....

OutToGetYou · 15/08/2016 21:25

I did it for a while, had a whole raft of guys I saw now and then just for sex.
I didn't tell many people so didn't get much judgement.

Later I mentioned it randomly to someone I didn't know and she got very upset. Turned out her husband had been shagging women from similar kinds of websites.

So I think other women feel threatened by it. I did as much as I could to ensure they weren't married or in ltr but I expect some were I'm afraid. Any suspicion of that and I never saw them again.
I don't accept cheating but also I needed the "no strings sex" to be on an equal footing, both of us single, both of us able to call the shots, neither of us hiding away.

Olympiathequeen · 15/08/2016 21:25

I think it's just old fashioned so called morality, which encouraged young men to sow their wild oats but looked down on a girl who even kissed someone they were not married to!

This type of mysogeny is still rife in many parts of the world, and is a lingering hangover from our hypocritical past.

Ignore what they say but take care where your children are concerned (which you obviously do)