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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that sleeping around is perfectly fine?

379 replies

Kikibanana86 · 15/08/2016 20:16

Ok so I have had my fair share of one night stands, flings, relationships, oh and a marriage!

I've had quite a "good time" since my separation last year, and my close friends are very supportive and usually eager to hear the gossip!

I don't want a relationship as I have children, my house, career prospects etc and I love being single. I do however have a high sex drive and I do like male attention so I have quite a few friends with benefits and I still do all the tinder/pof stuff too.

An old friend I don't live near anymore made some quite judgemental comments about what I was getting up to and it surprised me, as none of my friends are like that and actually admit to living vicariously thorough me Grin

So I was thinking about it, and why do some people think it's wrong to have casual sex with as many people as you like as long as it's consensual, you use protection and you're not cheating on anyone?

I can't think of any reasons why? Where does it come from? Religion? Keeping women in their place?

OP posts:
milpool · 15/08/2016 20:42

Custard wtf? Why would her kids know what she gets up to when they're not there?

And with a regular FWB you can build a level of trust, both regularly get checked out etc. As long as you're safe and responsible I don't see what the issue is.

itsmine · 15/08/2016 20:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ArgyMargy · 15/08/2016 20:44

It sounds exhausting to me! But if everyone you're sleeping with knows the deal, I don't see a problem. Perhaps your friend thought you might be less than totally honest with all the men in terms of not being exclusive. I imagine some men don't particularly like to think that they're sharing...

Lweji · 15/08/2016 20:45

Unfortunately, many (more?) women are raped or attacked by long term partners or other men they know well.

Not sure what to do regarding safety then.

Lweji · 15/08/2016 20:45

Sorry, in reply to papayasareyum Mon 15-Aug-16 20:40:04

DerelictMyBalls · 15/08/2016 20:46

That's a bit judgmental, itsmine. Some people just enjoy casual sex. Nothing to do with self esteem.

Ackvavit · 15/08/2016 20:46

Very British approach to sex on this thread from those with a negative attitude towards OP. Good on you. It's how Europeans live life and that includes the married ones. I'm guessing the haters voted Brexit to escape the reality of a decent sex life. Grin

DancingDinosaur · 15/08/2016 20:48

Entirely your choice and nothing to do with anyone else.

Strokethefurrywall · 15/08/2016 20:48

Yep, it's definitely about keeping women in their place sadly.

Absolutely nothing wrong with what you're doing, I did plenty of the same when I was young and single. I was always safe and in fact I was always the one to cool things off if the other party go over invested as I had little interest in a relationship.

I have absolutely zero issues with my self esteem, in fact being in a relationship is what often lowered mine as I always seemed to try and change an aspect of myself to please them.

I never had that issue when I was single. Have fun OP!

NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 15/08/2016 20:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Anonymouses · 15/08/2016 20:49

If you are happy with the risks that are associated with it (stds and pregnancy are vastly reduced by using protection but never totally protected against) and your mental health is not affected I don't see the issue.

If you had a string of random men in your house when your kids were at home I think it would be different but in your own time? Whatever floats your boat.

Original poster
Kikibanana86 · 15/08/2016 20:49

I'm very happy but I've got my issues just like everyone I guess!

Pleased to see most people on this thread are open minded.Smile

OP posts:
queenMab99 · 15/08/2016 20:49

I was in the same position in my late 40s, divorced, happy to be single and independent, but wanting male company/sex, however after 2/3 years of casual dating, I was becoming more and more aware that there were lots of people men with hangups/ problems, not only of a sexual nature, but personality wise. I had just about decided to give up on the sex, and get a dog for company! when I met my partner, we had 18 happy years until he died last year. We did get a dog about 6 months after we met, and I always said he was bloody lucky to meet me before I met the dog, and gave up on men!

Oysterbabe · 15/08/2016 20:51

I did this for a while but was using sex as a substitute for love and looking back was actually really unhappy.
If you're enjoying yourself then good for you!

SteviebunsBottrittrundle · 15/08/2016 20:51

If it isn't doing anyone else any harm (you aren't cheating on anyone and you're using protection) then it really isn't their business.

It doesn't appeal to me I have to say and I would definitely struggle to enjoy sex with someone I didn't know, love and respect. I had a couple of one night stands when I was much younger and I don't think they were particularly empowering for me; quite the opposite. I can't imagine how sleeping around can feel like a positive thing but obviously we are all very different and if you're sure it's all good, then good for you OP.

queenMab99 · 15/08/2016 20:52

What I mean is, although I had no moral objections to it , I found it very dispiriting eventually.

SteviebunsBottrittrundle · 15/08/2016 20:52

X post with oysterbabe!

bibbitybobbityyhat · 15/08/2016 20:52

I think you just need to accept, OP, that not everyone thinks/feels the same way as you. If you can do that then you will not feel "judged" just that other people would make different choices.

If I were to find myself single again, the very last thing I'd be looking for would be a string of one night stands or casual relationships. Are you sure you are not confusing a simple inability to join in with your enthusiasm for your current lifestyle with some sort of stuffy disapproval?

Firsttimer82 · 15/08/2016 20:54

I slept around in my twenties and I am convinced that its just not good for your self worth. I'm yet to meet a woman who truly feels empowered by shagging around. I wouldn't judge anyone for doing it as I did it but if you were my mate i'd want to check in an make sure that you were truly alright. I also think its a bit dangerous to do the whole tinder thing at your own house. I used to have one I dated turning up at random times! EEEK.

harderandharder2breathe · 15/08/2016 20:54

It's not something that appeals to me but if you're safe and having fun then why not?

Consenting adults using condoms is nobody else's business but theirs

museumum · 15/08/2016 20:55

If you're genuinely enjoying it and happy then fair enough.

But, the women I've personally known who've had the most sex with multiple partners have not been happy. They've been desperately trying to seek approval from men and to prove they're attractive and desirable and had low self esteem.

I'm NOT IN ANY WAY saying that's you OP but if a dear friend of mine starts having lots and lots of no strings sex I do worry a little about whether they're honestly happy and having fun. If they are then I'm all for it Grin

amusedbush · 15/08/2016 20:57

Absolutely, get stuck in! Grin

I had a lot of 'good times' before I met DH...

GarlicMistake · 15/08/2016 20:58

There is such a thing as social sex :)

The old double standard's alive and well, dressed up as concern. Ignore it; it's redundant. Or ask it whether it expresses the same concern for the feelings/children/futures of promiscuous men? I'd go for ignoring it, it's easier!

IfNotNowThenWhenever · 15/08/2016 21:00

It's fine. Life is for living. And why would your kids know anything about your sex life?! There is so much judgmental hand wringing about single mothers and sex. You're not moving these men in, or asking them to babysit presumably?
You can be a parent, and a sexual being, the two can co exist. Have fun and be safe.

AnvilAnnie · 15/08/2016 21:00

For me the problem with sleeping around is primarily STD risk. There are plenty of STDs you can get even if you practice safe penetrative sex even if you are using a dental dam (which lets face it who actually does).

But getting naked with someone and swapping bodily fluids (even saliva) is quite an intimate thing to do. There seems something a bit dirty to me about indiscriminately shagging around - I mean physically dirty rather than anything else. More skin cells shed, more saliva sloshing around, more pubes in the bed etc etc.

The more people you sleep with, the more you increase your odds of catching something; generally you've got a better chance of someone being straight with you if you get to know them a bit first.

If you fucking total/virtual strangers you are also risking your physical safety. And fact is you can't "read" total strangers accurately in every case; plenty of sociopaths can pull a super charming move. Ted Bundy was widely described as handsome, charming and charismatic.

Not my cup of tea at all and the thought of it makes my flesh crawl to be honest. If that's your choice it's your choice and good luck to you. I wouldn't make nasty comments about someone doing that as it's their choice. I definitely don't think it's sensible though and I wouldn't do it myself.

Be careful and remember Ted Bundy.