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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that sleeping around is perfectly fine?

379 replies

Kikibanana86 · 15/08/2016 20:16

Ok so I have had my fair share of one night stands, flings, relationships, oh and a marriage!

I've had quite a "good time" since my separation last year, and my close friends are very supportive and usually eager to hear the gossip!

I don't want a relationship as I have children, my house, career prospects etc and I love being single. I do however have a high sex drive and I do like male attention so I have quite a few friends with benefits and I still do all the tinder/pof stuff too.

An old friend I don't live near anymore made some quite judgemental comments about what I was getting up to and it surprised me, as none of my friends are like that and actually admit to living vicariously thorough me

So I was thinking about it, and why do some people think it's wrong to have casual sex with as many people as you like as long as it's consensual, you use protection and you're not cheating on anyone?

I can't think of any reasons why? Where does it come from? Religion? Keeping women in their place?

OP posts:

VaginaJones · 15/08/2016 21:30

Yanbu for sleeping around and having fun but you may be being a little unreasonable if you're constantly going on about your sex life to your friend's - many people will just not want to hear about it tbh.

nolongersurprised · 15/08/2016 21:30

I slept around loads in my late 20s, after a big relationship breakup and before DH. I had a great time and don't regret it at all. I do regret being open with my work colleagues though - even if they seem supportive and interested there will be some who judge. Even though that doesn't really matter I think there's value in keeping your personal life and work life separate.

OutToGetYou · 15/08/2016 21:32

Aw, Dragon, you're missing out - people who have slept with lots of people are FAR better in bed!

I do agree with whoever said it's not good for your self esteem, you have to be pretty strong to manage it. I was OK but it really changed my view of men. I don't think a single one I met turned me down. And I ain't Pamela Anderson!

I turned down loads of them, then they'd get arsey and whiney and I knew I'd done the right thing. But I got to the point where I felt men were too simplistic and easy to manipulate. Which is probably true of the type of men who use that type of site.......

I also became a bit over sexualised. I don't know how to explain it but I knew I had to be careful as I started to use sexual words more and talk about sex more and have lower inhibitions, which isn't a good thing when you work in HR!

AgentJ · 15/08/2016 21:35

Personally, I find it vulgar to have meaningless sex - regardless of whether you're a bloke or a woman. But you're happy and not hurting anyone so more power to you - it's none of anyone else's business and I wouldn't ever comment to or about you. I'd just judge inside

Overthinker2016 · 15/08/2016 21:37

Well you are judging because you've said its vulgar

BrightOranges · 15/08/2016 21:42

Don't believe for a minute that none of your friends judge you. Because more do than you realise.
Don't tell everyone your business. Most don't care and the rest want something to gossip about.

SteviebunsBottrittrundle · 15/08/2016 21:44

You'd be surprised how many men feel dispirited by the whole sleeping around thing as well btw. I don't think sleeping around is "having sex like a man" at all. Not one of my male friends sleeps around (that I know of anyway). Those that used to, I can remember said they felt a bit down about it.

SoftSheen · 15/08/2016 21:46

It's perfectly fine if you are able and willing to deal with the potential adverse consequences, i.e. exposure to STDs (including HIV), pregnancy with a baby whose father is uncertain/someone you don't really know, emotional damage to you or your partner.

So, in short, though you are entitled to make this choice I don't think it is necessarily a very sensible one. I would think this equally whether you were male or female.

magoria · 15/08/2016 21:47

Just take care of yourself, be sensible and PM me so I can live vicariously through you too.

You are not harming anyone and having fun. You have made no promises and keep it all away from your DC.

Do be careful how many know as it only takes one judgemental person to say something in earshot of your DC you may not want them to hear.

colour me jealous lol

wantmorenow · 15/08/2016 21:47

I shagged my way through my late teens and twenties because I love sex and it's important to me to have sex. I enjoy it. Had long term partner and kids through mid twenties to about 30. Then next partner i married and had more kids. Wish I had had more sex with more people. Divorced and single for 7 years hardly any sex as little opportunity and safety worries (assault not sti's).
Then started a few FWB type things. Was not monogamous with either as it was just sex and friendship. A few jokey comments about getting my two FWB together for some added fun ended up with the one of them asking me out. Turned out he loved the idea of a non-monogamous relationship. Took a while to get my head around it but it's 'fab'! We are 2 and 1/2 years down the line and it is a committed loving and great relationship. We swing together occasionally; well I play with others and he joins in sometimes. We do not cheat, there are no feelings for others other than mild friendship. It's just sex for fun and because it's a turn on.
I feel more confident and sexy than I ever have, I'm having great sex with him and some great moments with others. No guilt, no issues, no pressure.
Some people just love sex and it can be a purely physical thing with no emotional attachment.
However I tell no-one; not their business. It's quite exciting having our secret jaunts and escapades like having a secret fling with your own DP!

PinguForPresident · 15/08/2016 21:48

Vulgar? Ted Bundy? Do your children know? Goodness, such pearl clutching on this thread! The 1950s called, they want their attitudes back please!

go for it, OP. Casual sex is bloody brilliant (or rather, it can be!). It;s 2016, no one should look down on a woman for having multiple sexual partners. Ignore those hoisting their judgey pants high. As long as you're both consenting adults, single, and using protection, go for your life. I'm quite jealous, TBH. I had a LOT of fun in my 20s, but I could certainly go for a whole lot more now!

BarryTheKestrel · 15/08/2016 21:48

As long as you are happy and enjoying yourself it's irrelevant. You are being safe, there is nothing more to it.

The summer before I met DH I'd come out of a serious relationship 6 months earlier and finally got back on the horse so to speak. I had a great time. Only my closest friend knows the real details of that summer because I had to tell someone, but it was a wonderful time and I don't regret a thing.

As long as you are into this with eyes wide open and emotions detached, Enjoy!

LuluJakey1 · 15/08/2016 21:49

Entirely your business.

I was never emotionally robust enough for it but for anyone who is, it is up to them. No one is being hurt so why not?

Gwenhwyfar · 15/08/2016 21:50

"A man doing this is a "player" and yet a woman is a slut."

Player is an insult though, not a complement.

AgentJ · 15/08/2016 21:51

I didn't say I wouldn't judge, overthinker I said the exact opposite. I said I wouldn't comment to her.

Also laughing at the 'they're jealous' comments. Where did this attitude that anyone who disagrees with somebody's choices is jealous come from? It's possible to have a different opinion and not be jealous.

Overthinker2016 · 15/08/2016 21:52

I am the most shocked at the "careful you don't get pregnant" comments.

It is not that hard to not get pregnant.

GarlicMistake · 15/08/2016 21:58

if you genuinely feel you are being fulfilled by random sexual encounters

I never once had casual sex for "fulfilment". Of course, I hoped for an enjoyable social connection and a decent orgasm - sometimes even got both at once! Fulfilment, however, is something I take personal responsibility for.

sashh · 15/08/2016 22:00

secondly you don't know whether these men could be riddled with stds and even with condons these can slip off or you can catch sonething through oral sex. Personally i couldnt do it.

Which also applies to long term partners, people you have dated for months and spouses.

FullTimeYummy · 15/08/2016 22:01

LOLZ at a conversation, which appears to be between just women, being mostly composed of:

how women are always judged more harshly than men for sleeping around
harsh judging of said sleeping around

Gwenhwyfar · 15/08/2016 22:01

"Pleased to see most people on this thread are open minded.smile"

Are you open-minded yourself Kiki? It seems to me you only consider pro casual sex people to be open-minded and those that are sceptical about it to be narrow-minded, whereas you could consider both opinions to be of equal value.

Gwenhwyfar · 15/08/2016 22:03

"It is not that hard to not get pregnant."

Yet, people have 'surprises' all the time!

rachelgreep · 15/08/2016 22:03

I find it strange that people use the word vulgar to describe this.
Perhaps if they were doing it on the street, but not two consenting adults behind closed doors.

Does this come from religious views?

Pinkheart5915 · 15/08/2016 22:05

Yanbu to sleep around if you want too.

2 single consenting adults having sex has nothing to do with anybody else.

I think even in 2016 some people can't accept women like sex and can sleep with as many people as they bloody well like

wantmorenow · 15/08/2016 22:06

I respect those in monogamous relationships and indeed one of my close friends has only slept with her husband and is 51 years young! I would never disclose my choices to her. She's happy and so am I. That's all that matters. Can't see me swinging for many more years so enjoying the experience and the variety that life can offer.

Gwenhwyfar · 15/08/2016 22:06

"Also laughing at the 'they're jealous' comments. Where did this attitude that anyone who disagrees with somebody's choices is jealous come from? It's possible to have a different opinion and not be jealous."

And what is there to be jealous of? If someone doesn't want to have casual sex, why would they be jealous of those who do?

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