To think that sleeping around is perfectly fine?

[Kikibanana86]

Ok so I have had my fair share of one night stands, flings, relationships, oh and a marriage!

I've had quite a "good time" since my separation last year, and my close friends are very supportive and usually eager to hear the gossip!

I don't want a relationship as I have children, my house, career prospects etc and I love being single. I do however have a high sex drive and I do like male attention so I have quite a few friends with benefits and I still do all the tinder/pof stuff too.

An old friend I don't live near anymore made some quite judgemental comments about what I was getting up to and it surprised me, as none of my friends are like that and actually admit to living vicariously thorough me

So I was thinking about it, and why do some people think it's wrong to have casual sex with as many people as you like as long as it's consensual, you use protection and you're not cheating on anyone?

I can't think of any reasons why? Where does it come from? Religion? Keeping women in their place?

It's up to you what you do.

Like some other posters, your lifestyle would not be for me, simply because I don't and didn't ever want sex enough to do it with people I had no emotional attachment to. I'm really fussy with men and finding someone who turned me on both physically and emotionally was hard to come by (I'm not in the dating game now.)

I think you are possibly underestimating the health risks as others have mentioned.

HPV which causes cervical cancer is not prevented by condoms. Any trace of the virus on the genitals or skin around them, as well as in the mouth, can infect you. CC is directly linked to number of partners.

Herpes can be passed on even when in the shedding stage with no obvious rash.

Warts can be caught even if they are tiny (and almost invisible.)

If you have escaped all so far you are lucky but it's a bit like Russian roulette if you carry on as you are.

Yes I agree with the risk of cervical cancer.

'Also some of them are quite handy and fix stuff for me around the house! I do as much as I can but I'm not good with these things and it's always handy to have a builder/mechanic/engineer you can ask for help!'

This makes me feel uncomfortable.

It's fine it it works both ways- maybe you are rustling up a batch of frozen meals for them, or shortening their trousers ( as we're being sexist here).

But if it's sex in exchange for jobs around your house and you're being a bit scheming about it - do they offer or do you ask?- then it doesn't sit well with me 'cos it sounds as if they are being used.

Is it a case of 'Wow- great shag! While you're here, would you mind putting up a couple of shelves for me before you go?' Or are these men actually friends who offer?

It wouldn't be for me, but each to their own!

I think you are possibly underestimating the health risks as others have mentioned.
Maybe. But there are lots of things that people do that puts their health at risk - smoking, drinking, unhealthy diet, lack of exercise, driving too fast, sunbathing etc - yet these rarely attract the same moralistic disapproval as casual sex does.

Who's being moral? Pointing out health risks has nothing to do with morality. If someone had posted that they ate unhealthily, were an alcoholic, sunbathed too much, drove too fast, and their friends had showed concern, I am sure we'd have all waded in with opinions.

I think you are confusing under-awareness and under-estimation of risk with morality.

It's clear from a lot of posts here that women are ill-informed about risks and think condoms = 100% safe sex- as does the OP.

"smoking, drinking, unhealthy diet, lack of exercise, driving too fast, sunbathing etc - yet these rarely attract the same moralistic disapproval as casual sex does."

Are you serious? You'll find hundreds of threads on mumsnet about the above things and people often tell their friends not to do them. If you wanted an example of something risky that people don't publicly disapprove of I think skiing could be it. I personally think it's too risky, but I realise there are health benefits and that people really enjoy it.

The 'moral' angle comes from things that affect the population as a whole. Spreading STDs affects the whole community. Smoking forces others to be passive smokers, etc. Sunbathing and bad diet only affects the person doing them.

Everything comes with a risk. Awareness and management of these risks is what people do.

OP, of course YANBU. Your "friend" otoh is being very unreasonable. She is using your sex life to make herself feel morally superiour. That is sad, she obviously has issues with her own lack of self esteem if slut shaming is how she gets her kicks.

I don't think the OP's friend was intentionally 'slut shaming'.

It's possible she was genuinely concerned - don't think the OP has given us many details of the conversation.

Woman have different attitudes to sex: some are quite 'male' ( stereotyping here) and can have sex with multiple partners and not need or feel any emotional connection. Others - shown here by many posts- can't operate in that way. But there are also women- sometimes younger women but not exclusively- who have low self esteem and who use sex as a means of trying to boost that, only to feel worse after 'yet another 1 night stand'. I'm not saying the OP falls into that group- she may want sex just like some of us want a coffee or a herbal tea- just an itch to be scratched. That's fine- but her friend who's accused of being judgy may not know which the OP is.

IMO and IME of friends- both sexes- who have had lots of casual sex, the problems occur when one party isn't all they seem: they want an emotional connection at some point or are hoping it will happen, they say they are single but in fact they are not, (long term partner or spouse in the background) they say they are 'clean' from STIs when lo and behold you catch herpes .....

It's a risky business however you look at it.

Sunbathing and bad diet don't just affect that person. They potentially cause ill health and put a strain on the NHS which all our taxes pay for.

OP, of course YANBU. Your "friend" otoh is being very unreasonable. She is using your sex life to make herself feel morally superiour. That is sad, she obviously has issues with her own lack of self esteem if slut shaming is how she gets her kicks

Agree with polly's response to this^. This^ was the sort of assumption I was alluding to earlier when I said there were unfair generalisations being made on both sides. Who is to say the friend is slut shaming or has self esteem issues just because she questioned the OP's casual sex hobby? This is no better IMHO than assuming the OP has self esteem issues just because she chooses to sleep around. I would question a friend if they started suddenly sleeping around (and fwiw yes, I would also challenge a friend who suddenly started sunbathing in a hot country with no sun cream on, or who started overeating loads of junk food when they didn't before). I don't think there is anything 'wrong' with sleeping around, but I would want to know a bit more if a good friend suddenly made a big change in their sexual habits (or any other habit for that matter). That doesn't mean I have self esteem issues !

I don't think my friend is slit shaming, at least I don't think he means to. She wouldn't be shocked at my behaviour as I was like this before I was married, I've known her a really long time. She is quite judgemental about women in general tbh, we could sit there having a coffee and someone attractive will walk past and she'll say"who does she think she is?!" That kind of thing! I only see her a couple of times a year but we talk on what's app regularly.

Also she's just had a baby and is in that new motherhood stage of all that matters in life is marriage and babies, whereas I'm discovering single life again and all of mine have just come out the baby stage.

Itsmine, usually they offer but I have asked a couple of times. I give them massages and do their eyebrows (Not just randomly, I'm doing beauty at college)

Just to clarify although they are technically strangers, they don't just walk into my house fuck me and then go, I mean I don't have an issue with someone doing that and there's been times where that sounds great lol, but they come round for the evening and stay over.

Also I do have a certain type and that type isn't available where I live, ( in the middle of nowhere on the south coast) so most of them come from London, I only have 2 that are local!

Well you (obviously) know the friend and I don't, so I can't argue with you if you say she is judgemental about women. Tbh, the little digs at other women would have already resulted in the friendship 'fizzling out' if I were in your shoes!

That aside, as (presumably) your new hobby is a big change from how you were when you were married, it wouldn't be totally unreasonable for her to be surprised at the change, even if you are just reverting to how you were before marriage. I was very different before I got together with my DH. I would expect the odd raised eyebrow if DH and I split up and I started socialising in the same way I did back then. Raised eyebrows are different to nasty comments though so it kind of depends on what the friend actually said.

The OP's friend judges women because they are different to her. It may not be lack of self esteem, it may just be misogyny pure and simple. Either way, her need to put other women down is not healthy.

Not seeing eye to eye with someone on their behaviour isn't necessarily a 'put down'. It's a difference of opinion. All friends are entitled to differences of opinion.

OP I feel quite worried about you having read your most recent posts. You imply that although these men aren't total strangers, they are almost strangers. They don't- according to you- just come over and fuck you, they come over , fuck you and stay the night.

I really do hope you know you are putting your personal safety at risk. Maybe I've misunderstood and these are long term fuck buddies or FWB but if not, and they are men you are finding online, about whom you know very little other than what they choose to share, please, please be careful. You're old enough to know that inviting almost-strangers met online into your home is unwise and goes against all online dating safety rules.

Take care- and also take on board the comments about cervical cancer and all the other health risks associated with lots of casual sex- that's not being judgy, it's fact.

Bleurgh

I think it's fine. I don't attach all these emotions to sex like a lot of people do, to me it's just two people doing something that is mutually beneficial. I'm glad I had my fair share of sexual partners before settling down.

Stevie / Polly - the friend asked the OP if her fanny was like a kebab so I don't think it's making assumptions to say some slut shaming is going on.

dione, forgive me for saying so, but, for someone who has never met this friend, you speak with surprising authority on what she is like and what her motives are.

Mind you, she does sound a treat from what the OP said most recently about her.

I often read threads like this on MN and wonder on what planet this constitutes a friendship.

OP
You have certain types and none of those is available...? You do realise how this sounds, no?

I wouldn't be you for the world.

the friend asked the OP if her fanny was like a kebab so I don't think it's making assumptions to say some slut shaming is going on.

Aaaaah! I thought I must be missing something. Thanks overthinker. Why a kebab? Do I want to know?