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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think that sleeping around is perfectly fine?

379 replies

Kikibanana86 · 15/08/2016 20:16

Ok so I have had my fair share of one night stands, flings, relationships, oh and a marriage!

I've had quite a "good time" since my separation last year, and my close friends are very supportive and usually eager to hear the gossip!

I don't want a relationship as I have children, my house, career prospects etc and I love being single. I do however have a high sex drive and I do like male attention so I have quite a few friends with benefits and I still do all the tinder/pof stuff too.

An old friend I don't live near anymore made some quite judgemental comments about what I was getting up to and it surprised me, as none of my friends are like that and actually admit to living vicariously thorough me Grin

So I was thinking about it, and why do some people think it's wrong to have casual sex with as many people as you like as long as it's consensual, you use protection and you're not cheating on anyone?

I can't think of any reasons why? Where does it come from? Religion? Keeping women in their place?

OP posts:
GarlicMistake · 16/08/2016 16:30

Totally true, What :)

SteviebunsBottrittrundle · 16/08/2016 16:40

Agree with you what!

PinguForPresident · 16/08/2016 16:50

Excellent post Garlic

StarryIllusion · 16/08/2016 17:07

If it's safe, consensual, enjoyable and not immoral i.e. no cheating then I honestly couldn't give a fuck (but it sounds like you're getting plenty anyway Grin ) who or what anyone does in the sack. Shag as many men (or women!) as you like. At the same time if you like! As long as everyone is willing and enjoying themselves, what business is it of anyone else?

roundaboutthetown · 16/08/2016 18:28

If you and your multiple partners are happy with it, not having unprotected oral, vaginal or anal sex and not going behind the backs of unwitting partners, then fair enough! I wouldn't do it because I'd be far too uptight about the whole thing - sharing all of a random stranger's sweat, saliva, body odour, other bodily fluids, viruses and bacteria... Yuk. I don't really want someone inside me when I don't know what sort of life they normally lead, tbh. I suspect that, even if I enjoyed it at the time, afterwards I'd get all anxious about whether the condom had slipped without anyone noticing, or I'd got herpes or hpv, or crabs, or syphilis, or any of the other infections a condom does not fully protect against. Basically, I'm far too much of a post-event worrier! I also wouldn't really feel safe going home with someone I hardly know. Different personality types, basically. I wish I were less of a worrier about that sort of thing, but wouldn't want to have no inhibitions, either, as that would be unlikely to result in responsible sexual behaviour!

itsmine · 16/08/2016 19:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lweji · 16/08/2016 19:38

You dont generally invite random strangers you meet on internet round for a cup of tea

But, apparently, from pps on other threads (I think something to do with immigrants), it's a British thing to invite random strangers off the street for tea.

More seriously, some people like meeting (and shagging) strangers, others don't. Fine.

squoosh · 16/08/2016 19:40

I just think it comes down to very simple facts.

Yes. The simple facts being that it's not something you're into but other people are.

VestalVirgin · 16/08/2016 21:49

But the OP has never said she is practicing unsafe sex. So why do people keep mentioning pregnancy / cervical cancer / STDs ?

Since you ask .. condoms can break, and as for cervical cancer, condoms don't help against it. (Actually, the virus that causes cervical cancer is so common that most monogamous women probably still catch it.)

... not that unwanted pregnancy is any more likely with casual partners than with husbands.

how many of these male FWBs will eventually want to settle down with a woman who tells him she's had an untold number of sexual partners?

Well, hopefully lots of them, because they certainly won't be settling down with my virgin self. Grin

Seriously, if a promiscuous man told me he doesn't want to settle down with a woman who did just as he did, I'd run for the hills. I can't stand hypocrites.

Overthinker2016 · 16/08/2016 22:01

Yes I realise condoms can break but I could also get run over tomorrow. My point is that the risk is actually very low.

BikeGeek · 16/08/2016 22:42

But the OP has never said she is practicing unsafe sex. So why do people keep mentioning pregnancy / cervical cancer / STDs ???

Because there's no such thing as safe sex. I'm always astounded at the number of people who believe condoms protect you against herpes/genital warts/hpv etc.

Overthinker2016 · 16/08/2016 22:45

Missing my point. It's low risk. You can mitigate the risk by condoms / other contraception and sleeping with people who get tested (as should you).

Anything you do in life carries a risk!

Overthinker2016 · 16/08/2016 22:47

I mean if we follow this logic no one ever sleeps with anyone else ever again because even if you are in a monogamous relationship there is a risk they might cheat.

Asuitablemum · 16/08/2016 23:06

I don't think it's wrong but I don'tunderstand why you'd make that choice. It just all seems very clinical with no plan for any relationship. I guess it's the risk of stds, pregnancy, bumping into them again, having them in my house that would put me off. I can totally understand a one night stand that just happens spontaneously, say on holiday or after a night out. But I don't know why anyone (man or woman) would choose a life of regular, planned one night stands. I'd rather get myself off then watch a movie or meet up for a gossip with a friend. Or maybe I would look for one regular relationship that just never goes further than the odd night out.

GarlicMistake · 16/08/2016 23:29

At least you've acknowledged the connection between a night out and sex, suitable Grin

You don't generally invite random strangers you meet on internet round for a cup of tea - This isn't quite true. People invite internet strangers round for dinner, to stay in their spare room or doss on their sofa, and get in the cars of internet strangers they've met via Uber.

Leaving the 21st-century economy out of it, "meeting a stranger" for a drink or a meal is called a date. When dates go well, bodily fluids are often exchanged. They sometimes then go "back to mine for a cuppa" which may involve further bodily mingling.

It's very difficult to have sex without inviting other people's body parts into yours Wink

OK, some people do find sex disgusting! That's up to them. They don't have to engage in this messy, animalistic pastime. But they don't have the right to sneer at the majority who enjoy it.

Gwenhwyfar · 16/08/2016 23:55

"People invite internet strangers round for dinner, to stay in their spare room or doss on their sofa"

Do you mean couch surfers? There's a kind of points system for those aren't there? And lots of women who live alone just wouldn't have a stranger in their home.
Who invites internet strangers round for dinner?

Overthinker2016 · 17/08/2016 00:05

People do make friends via things like twitter or meetup.com all the time.

GarlicMistake · 17/08/2016 00:27

Gwen, there was an enjoyable article in the Sunday Times magazine last weekend (paywall).

So, with a deep and possibly gullible breath, I decided to see how much I could earn in a fortnight.

There is a strange array of platforms, from dog-walking to meal-cooking services ... Some, such as BlaBlaCars, a modern hitchhiking service, just aren’t suitable for a father of four.

I am ruled out of Uber, because they don’t accept my model of car. This is a relief, because I am a terrible driver. I also discount Airbnb, because I’m not uprooting the wife and four children from the family home.

But there are a few possibilities that I think I can combine with a day job writing from home. I sign up to Stashbee, “a community marketplace for storage”, making my spare room – or rather the space between the end of the bed and the wardrobe – available for people to store boxes.

The sitting room is uploaded onto Vrumi, which offers alternative meeting rooms for those who think the local coffee shop is too noisy. Nimber, a “social delivery service”, is also added to my list. Apparently, I could earn as much as £25 for taking a document just a mile or two.

The kitchen and my cooking skills are press-ganged into VizEat, a service where you host a dinner party for complete strangers. “Welcome people at your table. And live unique moments!” is its strapline.

I’m soon discovering that the sharing economy is aimed squarely at the generation who grew up uploading their entire lives online.

As well as hosting a box of someone's Christmas decorations in his spare room, he has people holding meetings & a photo shoot in his living room and a couple come round for dinner. He Deliveroos on his bike. It sounds like an entertaining nightmare actually, but all the people were decent.

Most people are, you know - decent. Thank goodness :)

snowy508601 · 17/08/2016 02:03

why would your kids know anything about your sex life
Someone will enlighten them before long. Do you want them to hear other kids referring to you as 'village bike' and so on . Sleeping around smacks of low self-worth,

squoosh · 17/08/2016 02:08

Run along snowy. There's a poppet.

brambly · 17/08/2016 03:56

Lol, do people still really buy the "you'll never get a man long term if you're a tart" rubbish?

People like people they're attracted to. Notch count doesn't generally come into it. The most promiscuous person I know by far (not yet 30 and has a number that almost anyone would be amazed/impressed at) is a woman I was at performing arts college with. Within 2 years of knowing her I had lost count of the number of men we knew that had fallen madly in love with her, tried to "pin her down", as it were, asked her to settle down with them, etc, and believe me her colossal horn was no secret. But she was funny, very charming and very very beautiful, so people adored her. If any of the guys disapproved of her sexual history, it wasn't enough to put them off. She has since settled down with one of these men, and they think of the world of one another.

TBH as obnoxious and Samnatha Brick as it undoubtedly sounds, I've done pretty well for myself in the "serious admirer/proposer/clinger on" department and I've been around the block a few times and made no secret of it.

If people like you, they like you.

I also think the dissenters in this post are conflating promiscuity and general randiness with "easiness", or having sex you don't want to gain validation or prove a point. I'd have thought it was obvious that they aren't synonymous.

And there is no mathematical necessity that a promiscuous man or woman have sex with lots of strangers, either. Anecdotally the people I know with an appetite for shagging tend to go for people they already know. I think I'd got to man number 16 or 17 before I had my one and only stranger.

TheDowagerCuntess · 17/08/2016 04:12

Sleeping around smacks of low self-worth

You tell yourself that, if it makes you feel better!

RestlessTraveller · 17/08/2016 06:32

Surely you have more important things to do in the summer holidays snowy? Like homework.

Lottielou7 · 17/08/2016 06:33

'Also some of them are quite handy and fix stuff for me around the house! I do as much as I can but I'm not good with these things and it's always handy to have a builder/mechanic/engineer you can ask for help!'

Ah, well it sounds like you have a great thing going on there, I think you have the best of both worlds, seriously Smile

Sugarlightly · 17/08/2016 08:47

As long as you're happy and keeping safe, what is the problem?