To think that sleeping around is perfectly fine?

[Kikibanana86]

Ok so I have had my fair share of one night stands, flings, relationships, oh and a marriage!

I've had quite a "good time" since my separation last year, and my close friends are very supportive and usually eager to hear the gossip!

I don't want a relationship as I have children, my house, career prospects etc and I love being single. I do however have a high sex drive and I do like male attention so I have quite a few friends with benefits and I still do all the tinder/pof stuff too.

An old friend I don't live near anymore made some quite judgemental comments about what I was getting up to and it surprised me, as none of my friends are like that and actually admit to living vicariously thorough me

So I was thinking about it, and why do some people think it's wrong to have casual sex with as many people as you like as long as it's consensual, you use protection and you're not cheating on anyone?

I can't think of any reasons why? Where does it come from? Religion? Keeping women in their place?

If someone asked me what I did at the weekend I wouldn't automatically assume that included details of my sex life.

Restless - no I don't think it's right at all, but sadly it is what it is and there's little point in pretending otherwise.

DH used to be in the military and there were no women in the kind of unit he served in. He says that if women knew how men talk about sex, it would probably put them off for life!

Of course, not all men are like this, but I just think you need to go in with your eyes open. Lweji - this is what I mean, really.

Did it put you off your OH?
Or didn't he talk about sex as the others?
Men also tend to play for the audience.

And women can also think very low of men. Sexually too.

But not all women are what you seem to think either what's

I never spoke about mine and exh sex life it it feels different when your with someone properly Let alone married.

Honestly check out tinder ages 21-30 that's where the hot ones are.

Whatsshe Interesting. As a man, I can honestly say I have never had one conversation with any male friends about any of us got up to with a sexual partner and I am now 42. Tell I lie, I can think of one who did say something once. Yet I know many of my female friends talk about pretty much everything with each other.

One female friend walked into a pub with me and saw an ex and said to me "there's my ex, the man with the smallest penis in England". I would never, ever have said to her "there's my ex, the woman with the slackest fanjo in England".

Lweji - well obviously he would claim he was on the edge of those conversations, but I've only got his word for it. Possibly if I'd met him when he was 24 or thereabouts I would have run a mile

He's been very much pro-monogamy since I've known him, so that's all I can go on. I would be bored witless by sex where there was no emotional connection and so would he. When you completely trust someone, you know their boundaries and the communication is there, nobody is bored and nothing will just "fizzle out" and that's the point of sex for us.

To an extent I agree with you OP however I personally wouldn't like to sleep with so many men for my own health and safety rather than the concern of what others would think. I'm practically married so I am talking as if I were single for the sake of this post.

My concern is STDs, pregnancy risk (we all know contraception isn't 100%), and also increased chance of developing cervical cancer.

I have however had my share of fun and my numbers aren't exactly low, but wouldn't class it as sleeping around either. It's always been with someone I know rather than someone I only just met. Problem is it has always led to repeat occurrences which never ended well (funnily enough, usually the blokes developing emotional attachments), however one guy in my first couple of weeks of uni turned out to be an absolute arsewipe who spoke about me like I was a piece of meat a while after.

Well I can't say I haven't became more attached to some more than others, but only in a fond of them way I've never really wanted a relationship. The first one Is the only one I developed feelings for and when it got to the point where he wanted a relationship I realised that wasn't what I wanted as I enjoyed meeting different people a lot.

Also, not that it matters, but they don't just walk in and have sex with me straight away. We usually have a few drinks, or watch a film or some have cooked for me! I actually became good friends with one and we went roller skating apparently roller skating is a thing again!

Also some of them are quite handy and fix stuff for me around the house! I do as much as I can but I'm not good with these things and it's always handy to have a builder/mechanic/engineer you can ask for help!

But the OP has never said she is practicing unsafe sex. So why do people keep mentioning pregnancy / cervical cancer / STDs ???

It is an excuse for moral outrage.

There is a low risk contraception will fail.

If we didn't do anything there was a risk attached to we would never leave the house for fear of being run over by a bus.

My advice is: be careful, and remember Ted Bundy, Harold Shipman and buses.

On the pill and use condoms. There was a period where I easily seeing one person and he was only seeing me and we stopped using condoms, when I stopped seeing him I got tested before I met anyone else.

I'm slow to catch up. I loved sofa's posts a few pages back.

It is all about patriarchy. All the assumptions that women feel 'empty' or unfulfilled after casual sex; all the judgemental words like cheap & dirty; all the comments about low self-worth, and all the warnings about not being respected by future husbands - every single critical post reverberates with the belief that sex is something women give to men.

This belief says that we trade it for emotional & economic security.
That we must reserve sex for men with long-term promise, because it's our stock-in-trade and we'd be foolish to give it away for free.
That sex is demeaning to women. If we don't make a man pay, emotionally or economically, he won't respect our self-debasement.
If we don't trade for the right deal, we're shameful and desperate.

There is no recognition of sex as a joyful physical connection between freely consenting adults. It's all about the trade. I'm sure everyone who's commented negatively would exclaim it's not like that - they love sex with their husbands, etc. But how do you square that with attitudes that can only be explained as above?

It used to be a commonplace saying that "marriage is a form of prostitution". I'm rather sorry to see this still appears to be true.

As an extra - the belief that men will indiscriminately take a free gift of sex if not charged an adequate 'price' is really insulting to them. The entire concept rests on a patriarchal view where women are sex traders, and men are consumers of women. Women withhold access to sex until offered a good deal, because we don't really like it. Men withhold emotional & financial support until offered special access, because they don't really like emotions. Men are sexual predators, women are emotional manipulators. How depressing.

This is taking a very long time to change. Hope it hurries up!

Excellent t post *garlic
*

Thanks, Kiki!

OP you keep asking why it's frowned on...because in the olden days sex out side of marriage was dangerous...you were risking pregnancy and disease. And so it became morally wrong to shag around simply because it was very dangerous.

People who take drugs or drink excessively or gamble what they can't afford or have lots of sex with strangers are risking more than those who stay at home knitting and gardening.

I don't think anyone is saying never have sex out side marriage or never have a glass of wine, but the posters who have expressed a view that having lots of sex with strangers might not be the best lifestyle choice have at times on this thread be scoffed at at ridiculed. Which is rather sad, I think.

Obviously with decent condoms and the pill, and the Internet shagging safely is easier than ever. Not everyone's cup of tea, and it's not what I'd want my family doing. But maybe they do and just don't discuss it with me

I don't think it's wrong but there are dangers; obvious ones, and some unique ones I found out for myself.

That said, when people ask how many people I've slept with I cringe, it's a fairly large number...so perhaps deep down I feel that, for me, it was a way of masking issues I was facing at the time I was sleeping about.

Just stay safe, and tell them shut up!

Brilliant post Garlic!

Kiki YANBU I'm jealous

it's your life, up to you what you are doing, personally i wouldn't do it for all sorts of reasons.

mrsfuzzy can I ask what those reasons are?

A lot of assumptions being made on both sides here. Some people are making unfair assumptions about the OP, but also some generalisations about people who choose not to have lots of sexual partners, or who say that one night stands leave them empty. I've already said this, but you can feel saddened by one night stands and not want lots of sexual partners without being a repressed product of the patriarchy. I was sure that doesn't really need to be said but some of the arguments on here are making me wonder.

I remember a friend at uni saying "you do want to do a spit roast, you've just been conditioned by cultural norms of what a woman should like, to think you don't want to" . Funny that, sticking it to the patriarchy while simultaneously telling another woman what she should enjoy in bed.

Sorry, weird use of commas above - hope it makes sense.

I don't think it's a case of casting aspersions on people who don't have a lot of sex, it casting aspersions on those who judge people for it.

I agree Restless.

I haven't seen many posts sneering at people who prefer monogamy. I have seen a few that are incredulous that people genuinely feel differently to them.

I agree yours was s great post Garlic - doesn't mean that the way forward should be that we HAVE to feel fine about casual sex and be down with all that - otherwise we're repressed relics of the patriarchy Just as misogynistic if you ask me.