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AIBU?

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Original poster

To keep this a massive secret

297 replies

Gymboree567 · 04/08/2016 19:39

I've got no friends
There I said it! I never tell anyone, my family, people at work, I feel like it's more embarrassing than a really embarrassing illness!
If I had to make a choice I'd rather tell people about the time I had an anal fissure than admit to having no friends
It's always used as an insult, "billy no mates" "got no friends"

Is it that embarrassing? Should I be keeping it a secret?
If you have friends, do you think it's really weird?

OP posts:
user1466690252 · 04/08/2016 19:41

I have no friends. Not really. I go from being happy about it and not careing to utterly deverstated about it often. I agree. I find it very embarassing. Doesn't help that dh has wonderful friends and tonnes of them.

Missgraeme · 04/08/2016 19:42

I am with u. I don't either. . And I am totally fine about it!! Not in denial either!!

FreeFromHarm · 04/08/2016 19:42

I have no friends, nobody , you are not alone x

LottieL · 04/08/2016 19:43

I don't have any friends really and it doesn't bother me. I moved to live with my soon to be husband and our interests align perfectly so we tend not to need anyone else. He doesn't bother with other people either.

Original poster
Gymboree567 · 04/08/2016 19:44

Same! Sometimes I don't care, I do my own thing, it's great
Other times, I see my husband going out for drinks or people at work meeting up and nights out and I feel devastated
I can't make friendships stick, I've kinda given up now :(

OP posts:
FiveFullFathoms · 04/08/2016 19:44

I don't think it's something you need to announce to your family or co-workers, why would you? Confused Especially as it's clearly something you're self conscious about.

Do you want friends? Is there a reason you haven't got any?

Twowrongsdontmakearight · 04/08/2016 19:44

It depends on why. I have far fewer friends than I used to have as I haven't the energy to keep in touch. I still chat to people but am happiest tucked back at home!

Do you want a social life or are you more of a homebody?

Original poster
Gymboree567 · 04/08/2016 19:46

Where are all the friendless people in the real world?
Everyone at work has their cliques, husband has his mates, sister has a big circle of friends, I have no one
Are they all just keeping it a massive secret!!!

OP posts:
Magikarp · 04/08/2016 19:46

I have no friends.

FiveFullFathoms · 04/08/2016 19:47

I have lots of friends but my mum has only ever had one or two. Friendships are just not a priority for her.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 04/08/2016 19:48

I have friends but I know a fair few people who don't, really. Some are happy with things as they are, so I just let them set the pace of our sort of friendship. Some are less happy, so I make an effort to invite them to things, introduce them to people.

It's up to you who you tell. I wouldn't announce it, personally, but I don't think I'd hide it, either. It's not unusual; these days. I think most people are a bit lonely.

ineedamoreadultieradult · 04/08/2016 19:49

I have work colleagues that I chat with in the break room and comment on their posts on Facebook and like their pictures. Some of them meet up outside of work but I'm never invited so they are just colleagues although I am friendly with them. I have an acquaintance from university who again I comment on their Facebook posts etc but we never meet up despite being 10 minutes drive away. All other uni and school friends I have nothing to do with. I only have a 'hi, bye' relationship with other school mums. I have no friends. I sometimes think it saves me the friendship dramas and the time Nd money or constantly socialising but other times it makes me feel sad. My parents recently had their Ruby Anniversary party and there were so many of their friends there that they had known for years I realised it will probably just me me DH and our children at ours (if we last that long)

Msqueen33 · 04/08/2016 19:49

I have people I'm friendly with but not friends if that makes sense. I can't seem to make friendships stick either.

Original poster
Gymboree567 · 04/08/2016 19:50

I do want friends, not the kind that pop round everyday in their pyjamas and eat your food
The kind you see every few weeks/months for a drink or lunch out and a gossip
I don't know why I don't have friends, I don't smell, I'm nice to everyone, I try and get involved with people but I'm not overbearing or pushy, it goes well at first but then I get left behind and they kind of forget about me as they already have a group of closer friends which I guess is enough for them

I don't want to announce it, but I feel a bit of a liar when family or co workers mention friends and I have to dig up a story from 10years ago and make out it happened more recently

OP posts:
helenatroy · 04/08/2016 19:53

Look for Meetup groups in your area. They are brilliant.

catinthecradle · 04/08/2016 19:58

OP, you need a hobby.

You need to find something that you really enjoy and where you meet people. (sport ,craft club, volunteering for a charity, Saturday or evening classes...). That's the best way to make friends. It can take time, and I mean sometimes a couple of years, but having a common interest is the best foundation to build a friendship on. When the group organises a night out, in a restaurant, a park or a pub, don't say no.

Work is a funny place, you can make strong friendship or barely tolerate people. A hobby works better.

Original poster
Gymboree567 · 04/08/2016 19:58

I don't want to try and force friendships anymore, as it usually ends in tears, I've tried, the gym, volunteering, getting in touch with school friends, work colleagues, neighbours, school gate mums, toddler groups, online friendships, all over the last 18 years, nothing's stuck
So now I'm trying the "not trying" approach

OP posts:
PaintYourWagon155 · 04/08/2016 20:01

I have not one friend either. I have people I pass the time of day with but I'm completely alone apart from DH and the DC's.

AnotherPrickInTheWall · 04/08/2016 20:06

I have a small group of lovely friends and many acquaintances whom I see regularly. We don't live in each others pockets; more like rub along very comfortably.
BTW I shared my massive crop of plums with my neighbours and came home today to a jar of plum jam on my doorstep.
See friends are not all " besties" , they are the people who genuinely care about you.
Open your eyes to those around you ,who take the time to say " hello", engage in conversation, just chit chat and take things as they come.
I bet there are lots of people who would love to become your friend.
Friendship isn't about sharing every intimate detail of your life, and you can choose how much you wish to share with each individual.
I rather like my own company at times, but I think my real friends respect that.
Do join something' meet ups etc are amazing.

Dakin1 · 04/08/2016 20:06

You sound like a nice person OP. I reckon try and be a bit more proactive with the friends thing. Sound like you expect the friends to just turn up and befriend you.

Next time you get to know people, be the organiser and suggest meeting up in the future. Someone has to do the running.

I started a new job recently and had a few nice chats with a woman in the kitchen. We discussed a certain exercise class we enjoy and I emailed her a link to one near the office asking if she wanted to come with me. I felt shy and nervous about it but I thought if she didn't want to she would just say no.

Anyway we went and had a great time and now go for lunch once or twice a week. Bingo new friend.

Just pluck up the courage to approach someone you already know about doing something and I bet you will be surprised and pleased at the response.

LaConnerie · 04/08/2016 20:07

op do you socialise with your DH's friends and their partners? If you did then maybe you could make some friends that way. DH has lots of friends through his sports teams, and I now see some of the wives more than he sees their husbands.

I think if you're quite introvert, it can be hard to move on from being an 'acquaintance' with somebody to being a 'friend'. You have to be prepared to put yourself out there a bit and take the step of suggesting going for a coffee, etc, when there's always the chance they might not want to...

When people say they are happy not having friends because they only need their DH, it makes me a bit sad. My mum always said that and then when my dad died she was suddenly completely isolated. If it wasn't for myself and my siblings, she would never see anybody Sad

Becky546 · 04/08/2016 20:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HeirOfNothingInParticular · 04/08/2016 20:09

Hi OP. I don't have a massive groups of friends, but a few I keep in touch with. I have to make a big effort some times, and we might might often go a long time between catch up, but I am glad we do. My husband was diagnosed with a life threatening condition a couple of years ago, and that made me take stock and decide that I had to make an effort to keep in touch with the small number of friends that I do have. Quality over quantity!

Believeitornot · 04/08/2016 20:10

I have few friends and I think it is because I don't make enough of an effort at times. This has struck me recently. So I've vowed to do more to try and stick with the friends I've got (3!) and try and get some more.

kennycat · 04/08/2016 20:10

I feel the same OP. There are plenty of people I'm friendly with but I dont feel like I'm particularly friendly with any of them. And I. Reaaaaaalllllly tired of being the one who arranges meet ups, always. I've actually made the conscious decision to stop contacting a few of my older friends because I kind of think that if they wanted to see me they'd contact me rather than it being me all the bloody time.
Mostly I feel a bit sorry for myself about it all. I try new hobbies etc but perhaps I'm just too picky! .i do ink it's pretty hard to meet people who are exactly what you are looking for (if you know what I mean) the older you get.

Being a SAHM is super lonely too, and means you almost have nothing normal to talk to potential friends about!

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