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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To keep this a massive secret

297 replies

Gymboree567 · 04/08/2016 19:39

I've got no friends
There I said it! I never tell anyone, my family, people at work, I feel like it's more embarrassing than a really embarrassing illness!
If I had to make a choice I'd rather tell people about the time I had an anal fissure than admit to having no friends
It's always used as an insult, "billy no mates" "got no friends"

Is it that embarrassing? Should I be keeping it a secret?
If you have friends, do you think it's really weird?

OP posts:
Summerwood1 · 04/08/2016 20:10

I have one true friend and that's all I need and all that I want really. We meet through our daughters being at the same school. We tend to think the same way so get on great.

Freshprincess · 04/08/2016 20:12

Since separating from my H I've realised just how many friends I don't have. I've got 'friends', people who I chat to when I see them but no real friends.

I find it a bit depressing tbh.

Pinkangel23 · 04/08/2016 20:12

You sound like me OP. Most of the time I'm not bothered but I would like someone to meet up with every few months. Im quite shy but I'm friendly with most people, just not quite made it into that 'friend category'. I lost a lot of friends years ago, I now have a lot of anxiety and find it hard keeping touch with people, which is particularly hard as I don't use social media, it's just not for me. I've heard 'meet up' is good though. Hope this thread has made you see you're not alone.

DownstairsMixUp · 04/08/2016 20:13

I only have one best friend and about 2 I'd meet at breakfast for a catch up or get invited to parties etc. I quite like it though!

EverySongbirdSays · 04/08/2016 20:15

There's been a few freds about this recently which has made me feel better, as I often feel this way. Realistically I have 10 friends.

2 live in faraway county, have full time jobs and a newborn
2 live in a nearby city, but still an hour away, 2 young children, full time jobs
3 live abroad, 2 different countries, 1 recently married and I wasn't invited so guess not as much of a friend as I thought Sad
1 is a single mum who struggles to have any free time to meet, as the slim time she has alone she needs 'me time'

The last 2 are a couple who are quite introverted, and can be quite selfish and difficult, if you fit in with their needs you're welcome to join but don't expect an effort.

So I don't really feel like I have friends because I have no-one that I can see regularly. I have had other friendships that have fallen by the wayside for various reasons (several liars) and I think friendships from work or activities always end if you leave that job/activity or so I've found, those friendships to be quite transient. Reading several threads like this on MN has made me feel less alone, as I thought something was "wrong" with me.
I have a sibling who is Miss Popular, but as time has gone on I've noticed that none of her friendships have much depth, and her friends don't "know" her. My other siblings friendships are much more transient than mine are and always have been. I think she has intimacy issues.

I think once you are out of uni/school - making new friends is a ruddy nightmare as there is a stigma about it for women if you aren't already part of a group. I had a hard time at school and my adult friends are uni ones but we have spread out all over the place, so I don't really have a fancy a cuppa ? friend.

I have been friend dumped in the past which is painful, but now I'm on the opposite end where I need to dump a friend whose behaviour is unhealthy for me and often feels like my enemy. Ending a friendship is tougher than finding one as I feel so guilty - she's an ex colleague, but is super intense, rants and raves and is homophobic and racist. I can't carry on.

GettingScaredNow · 04/08/2016 20:16

I have just come out of a nasty marriage and appear to be friendless.
Have one close-ish friend who has been supportive and we chat. But we have kids the same age and that's the main root of our friendship. It's child centred.

What baffles me if that STBXH has friends. He never bothers to do things for others, he often ignored calls and cancels meeting up, usually about 10 mins after he is supposed to be there. He readily accepts people's help (like when we got our flat and it was horrendous and Dd was 3 weeks old all his friends dropped their lives to come help clean and decorate) but wen asked for help always weasels out of it (like when his mate got a horrendous flat and he never bothered to go and help. Kept making excuses)

I had friends before meeting him. They all drifted away. I'm fun, nice I think. I have my interests but I'll try/do anything once. I don't think I'm over bearing. I'm quite shy.

I do feel embarrassed about it. Especially as I want my Dd to see me with friends so she can form her own friendships. So she doesn't have to be embarrassed about her stupid friendless mum.

bimbobaggins · 04/08/2016 20:16

I have a handful of friends through work etc but I have no one I'm close to ie when I'm sitting in myself every Saturday night. Every one I know are part of a couple and would never say fancy going out, the cinema etc

Original poster
Gymboree567 · 04/08/2016 20:17

My husband won't let me go out with his friends, he says its men only and when I ask if we can all do something wives included he says they don't want to and they have a different group of friends that they do husband/wife things with and he's not in that group so that's a no no, we've had many a heated discussion about it
As for being pro active, I feel i have, to the extent that I'm doing all the running, and if I don't chase them, I lose them, which makes me resent the friendship, that if they can't be bothered with me why should I bother with them

OP posts:
MrPony · 04/08/2016 20:19

I've only got my best friend because we lived next door for years, if it wasn't for her I'd have a few acquintances and that'd be it.

It's totally normal I think.

Original poster
Gymboree567 · 04/08/2016 20:20

Gettingscarednow, I know what you mean, my daughter sometimes says as an insult "you've got no friends" it hurts and means she's noticed, she said it the other day in an argument and the look on my face said it all,she immediately knew she'd really upset me

OP posts:
Original poster
Gymboree567 · 04/08/2016 20:21

And you're not stupid x

OP posts:
muddypuddled · 04/08/2016 20:22

I don't really have any friends either. Acquaintances maybe but not real friends. For me this has really been hammered home since the birth of dc2. With dc1 we had loads of visitors, gifts and cards. This time round only really anything from close family. Before I went on Mat leave from work there was the whole 'we must meet up for lunch' chat etc but when it came to me finishing to have my dd and I arranged a lunch at the local pub, only 4 others turned up (I work with approx 180 people in our department. It's shift work where about 30 people work each shift). I thought before that that I was well liked. Then when dd arrived we didn't get so much as a card. Even people we classed as real friends out of work seem to have disappeared. I feel like all the people I called my friends have just forgotten about me and left me behind. I've tried so hard to keep in touch with them but it just seems very one sided. I've tried making new 'mummy' friends but like you I can't seem to make any friendships stick past the 'hi how are you?' stage. I feel really bad that I'm setting a bad example for my children and that they won't learn how to keep friendships either. My husband has loads of friends too a

upthegardenpath · 04/08/2016 20:23

It isn't easy to make (and keep) fantastic friends.

I have a few - I tend to have a handful of brilliant friends, rather than loads of not so close ones.

I've had to make a concerted effort over the years to stay in touch with people, as we're all dotted around the country now, but it's worth it.

Where you live, work, the family you have (or don't have) and the kind of community you're in, all contribute to not having friends, I think.

I'm in London, surrounded my millions of people, yet at times in the past have felt utterly alone.

I'd love to meet all of you without friends and head to the pub right now Smile first round is on me Wine

muddypuddled · 04/08/2016 20:24

Sorry baby hit the phone and posted to soon. He tries to make me be friends with his friends wives but I can never make that either. Sad

SugarMiceInTheRain · 04/08/2016 20:25

Gymboree, you sound very much like me. I cannot figure out why the friendships I make don't stick, or don't even get off the ground in the first place, and I'm sure it's not for want of trying. I had a great circle of friends at school/college. Now, I have few, if any people I could rely on in a crisis, let alone go out and socialise with. I really miss that. Even though my DH is my best friend, it's not the same as having friends to hang out and have a laugh with. I have a hobby, and have tried making friends through that, but even then I somehow seem to get left out eg, when they go for a drink afterwards. No advice really. All I do is pretend it doesn't bother me, even though it clearly does. Sad

Rubies12345 · 04/08/2016 20:26

That's so sad, can you be friends with your sister and her friends?

Original poster
Gymboree567 · 04/08/2016 20:26

This will sound really daft but while shopping I saw a pack of yogurts and it said "instant win a trip to New York for you and a friend"
I thought what if I won, I would have no one to ask! If I asked someone at work they would be wtf why are you asking me, my closest acquaintance is someone from work who doesn't even have my mobile number, never been to my house, never spoken outside of work and never even invited me to a work night out! Great "friend"

OP posts:
puglife15 · 04/08/2016 20:27

As for being pro active, I feel i have, to the extent that I'm doing all the running, and if I don't chase them, I lose them, which makes me resent the friendship, that if they can't be bothered with me why should I bother with them

OP while I understand this you need to let it go. If you like someone and want to be friends with them, that trumps making all the ieffort IMO.

Also if they have more friends than you, which is likely, you probably will be doing the chasing as they'll have more people to see IYSWIM.

ThePinkOcelot · 04/08/2016 20:28

I have a couple of friends but not many at all. Some people seem to have loads of friends but not me. My hen night consisted of me and 1 friend going for a meal!

Original poster
Gymboree567 · 04/08/2016 20:32

I've never met my sisters friends,
Then I had a falling out with my sister and we are on barely speaking terms, she's very selfish and I've tried to be nice to her, but it's her way or the highway
I just can't be around her as I feel she hates me because of this argument, it's very tense when we meet up, usually just to exchange birthday gifts, every time I invite her to do something she makes up an excuse why she can't
It's not just me, my mum and dad also struggle with her attitude too, my whole family finds her behaviour upsetting

OP posts:
louisejxxx · 04/08/2016 20:32

Same here really. Well maybe that's a bit of a lie - I have two good friends who were my best friends in school. One lives far away and the other has quite an all-consuming job, neither have children, so we don't have much in common these days. But really, I can count my friends on one hand. I get on with work people because we've been thrown together but none of them would ever ask me to socialise outside of work.

I find social situations awkward and always feel like I say/do the wrong thing. Never feel "cool" enough etc.

Msqueen33 · 04/08/2016 20:34

Funny isn't it with social media and even more ways to keep in touch how lonely we all feel. I'm nice but shy. Two of my kids have Sen so I feel like life has taken me on a different path to most and I'm not sure I even know how to socialise but I want to. Even if it's just the odd coffee here and there. Everyone seems to have a gang of girlfriends and I'll be honest it makes me feel like a total loser that I don't.

itfcbabe · 04/08/2016 20:34

I have people I know but only 1 friend,sometimes I feel I should have more but doesn't really bother me.

Original poster
Gymboree567 · 04/08/2016 20:40

I feel like a total looser too Msqueen,
I had to delete my Facebook, I felt embarrassed that I never got many likes or comments, then when people I would consider as close acquaintances started deleting me I would feel gutted
A woman from work blocked me, I thought she was a potential friend, turns out they were planning a night out and didn't want me to find out so blocked me. I was so devastated I deleted the whole account
Also I didn't want my family or colleagues to realise I had no real friends
I looked at my "friend" list and thought , who could I call in an emergency, who could I ask out for a drink, the answer was none of these 400 people

OP posts:
Babyzoo · 04/08/2016 20:40

I don't really have any either.

I have colleagues that I'm friendly with, I have one that I do meet up with, and I'm friendly with my neighbour. I have a sister and she's my friend. But no real solid friendships, no one that I could go on holiday with or do stuff with.

I would like to have some friends but I'm quite a boring homely person, people don't really warm to me, I'm not very confident and I probably don't want to put the time and effort in anyway.

Perhaps if you really want to make friends you could join some kind of club where you might meet people with common interests?

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