To keep this a massive secret

[Gymboree567]

I've got no friends
There I said it! I never tell anyone, my family, people at work, I feel like it's more embarrassing than a really embarrassing illness!
If I had to make a choice I'd rather tell people about the time I had an anal fissure than admit to having no friends
It's always used as an insult, "billy no mates" "got no friends"

Is it that embarrassing? Should I be keeping it a secret?
If you have friends, do you think it's really weird?

I'm interested in how people arrive at a point where they have no friends. None at all. I have a few close friends, only a few- they are really important relationships. I don't see my friends very often because of work and because I'm married, but I do really value my friends. If you are in a relationship and have no friends how will it be if your relationship fails?

I do worry about that very point,
I ended up with no friends from moving schools at an awkward age, being bullied for my looks, never connecting very well at school, started self harming and starving myself, the whole year group thought I was crazy, so left school alone
First job I started was very bitchy, I was used as pawn in two women's friendship battles without realising it, left on maternity leave and never kept in contact after realising they had just been using me
Had the usual toddler group/school gate mum acquaintances but never got past the play date stage and as kids got older it fizzled out
Worked alone for quite a few years so no way to make friends
Worked for a large organisation but found people already had enough friends or were content within their groups, I could tag along but never felt really involved no matter how hard I tried to fit in, after I left there one by one, people I though were friends deleted me off Facebook or would look straight through me in the street, without the uniform they had forgotten who I was
Now work for a small company with a clique that I'm not in despite wishing to be and trying to fit in
Husband keeps his friends separate from me
I've tried the usual hobbies/volunteering/online friends nothing's worked
I'm unfriendable! If that's a word

Sometimes you don't have the energy or wherewithall to work on your friendships, especially if they don't make much of an effort either; you go through a bad patch in your relationship with your partner and nobody wants to spend much time with someone who is miserable and complaining all the time; you lose your confidence and ability to be sociable; you prefer your own company a little too much; then you all drift apart.

Time and circumstance can all lead to ending up with no friends any more - and it suddenly hits you when you come out the other end. Also a lot of opportunities end when the children leave school.

A close friend from years ago emigrated to Australia; we still keep in touch but it's not the same as having that friend you can call on, talk to regularly and do stuff together with.

I'm interested to see people who have friends views on this, do you think it's weird?
I just can't imagine saying to a colleague "well I don't have any friends" what would their reaction be, horrified I was a friendless freak, sympathy, laugh, I really don't know how others would react so just brush over the topic of friends or recant a story from years ago about an acquaintance making out we were bff's

If you are in a relationship and have no friends how will it be if your relationship fails? this is exactly the position I'm currently in and it's fairly crappy.
it's a mix of things for me. I'm in my forties, and lot harder to keep up with people when I was in my late teens and twenties.

I went to a small school, so I don't know 200 people from school.
My Uni friends had a huge falling out which I got caught up in. I tried to keep up with them but it tailed off as I moved home straight away.
Work friends my most significant period of work coinciding with my baby years so I couldn't do the Friday drinks after work thing without having weeks notice and a babysitter in place. When you say no 10 times in a row they stop asking. I currently work in a very male company, so although I get invited out to group things, I couldn't ask any of them to come round for a glass of wine on a Friday.

I worked full time so never did the baby group thing.
My 'couple friends' fell by the wayside when we split up.
My H, similar to OP, discouraged my social life quite a bit, although I didn't see it much at the time.

I'm now on my own with two DCs so I can't do the clubs, groups and things that people always recommend.

I'm not entirely confident in my friendships but I wouldn't think you were weird to say that, I would connect with your honesty and bravery. I think you need to choose who you share it with though as there are people out there who would judge you for that, but perhaps they are not the friends you are looking for. I don't think you are weird at all, but it is concerning me that perhaps you think you are.. you're doing alright love, we can't all be social butterflys, some of my happiest moments are when I am completely alone. xx

I wouldn't just blurt it out, but if it came up in conversation and I was to be truthful I just wondered what people might think

Tricky one as everyone will react differently. Are you looking for people who would say you are ok? I think you're ok.

songbird I don't do well in "girly groups" and have no interest in brands, shoes or handbags and would much rather talk about Film, TV and Books, Politics, Philosophy. I obviously know other women who do too, particularly on here, but it doesn't seem to happen in group dynamics ...

It's just occurred to me that this seems at odds with the fact that more women study social sciences than men (student myself at present). I hypothesise that this is due to women thinking "This is interesting - I'll learn about this", whilst men think "This is interesting - I'll lecture everyone about this"!

And no, I don't need to be constantly reminded by a bunch of men that I "can't speak for all women" .

I've lost a few friends after encouraging them to fulfill their dreams and travel, and them ultimately deciding to move abroad . I've gained a lot from travel myself, but I always want to come home again and have a strong community here!

I have one friend but she isn't a friend who I would go to for advice or anything, she is just someone to have a good laugh with which suits me.

I have kind of friends who I've known since I was little- my mum's friend's children... I could talk to them if I needed someone but I rarely socialise with them.

I socialise with my aunties and my mum the most. So I have people but no close friends who are friends just because they like me and aren't connected to me through my mum.

I am actually dealing with this in CBT right now because I have come to the conclusion that I must be doing something wrong and so far I've worked out that I'm petrified of rejection and it might be me be keeping people at arms length.

Sometimes I want friends and other times I genuinely don't care. I like spending my spare time with my husband, mum and family so not really sure where I would fit friends in. For me, I'm more upset by the fact that I might be unlikeable than not actually having friends.

I am billy no mates too. I hate it. I get envois of seeing Facebook post about the wonderful time people had with their friends.
I am shy , introverted and socially awkward.I never know what to chat about to people I just go quiet.
I was bullied at school and that zapped all my trust and confidence in people.
I never been to a meet up as my area is not very active and struggle to get to meeting place because I don't drive.
I don't think I will ever find my tribe because I walk to the beat of a different drum.

My mother hasn't any friends. She had plenty before she married in the late 1960s, she was a party animal in fact, and active in her tennis club, but dropped them for some reason. A few years ago we bumped into the woman who was her best friend at school (mum was her bridesmaid when they were 21 and they continued to have nights out and tennis matches together) but sadly, the girl/woman who had been her main confidante for over thirty years barely recognised her because they hadn't met for forty years.

She'd chat cordially to the wives of my dad's friends, to my mates' mums, and to the neighbours but she never made friends.

It's a burden now because she relies on me too much, unfortunately. If it weren't for me she'd go for weeks without human contact which is guilt-tripping. She won't change her ways at 80 though!

We're all beating along though Minecraftfan, I don't think any of us really beat in the same way but perhaps that is where the magic lies!! I felt sad reading your post, sounds like you've had a rough time but there is always hope to pull through and find yourself and your confidence. Good luck to you.

I don't have a lot of friends, but a small core group I've known since uni days. You know, the kind whose doorstep I could turn up on if my husband turned into an axe weilding maniac overnight. They'd take me in, give me their bed and cook me a pile of comfort food.

We don't see each other half as much as we'd like, but thanks to Facebook, viber etc it's so easy to keep in touch these days.

Friendships are really important. I couldn't rely on my husband alone for all adult interactions! And the kids have their own friends.

I'm thinking that you must be my twin as we sound so alike. I also have no real friends, although if I chase, there are a couple of people I occasionally have a cuppa with.
It always comes from me though. If I don't text, I just don't hear from them.
I also think I'm a nice person, but my lack of friends makes me wonder. Maybe I'm just so awful people can't stand to be around me.

I have mentioned that I don't really have any friends (when it's come up) and I think people think I'm joking or they don't know what to say; it's kind of a conversation killer so I wouldn't recommend it, lol.

I've tried volunteering, taking up new hobbies, etc, but people already have their group of friends and just aren't looking for any more in this busy life. I always feel like an outsider and I always have. I don't keep in touch with anyone from school as I was badly bullied throughout.

I don't feel like I've ever fitted in anywhere and I'm very lonely. I had a massive health scare recently and was in hospital for a while. I didn't have any visitors except my dp. I've realised that when I die my funeral will be a very pitiful affair with only my dp and DC there. That makes me really sad, but there's nothing I can do about it.

I hope that you find a way to make friends as you sound lovely

I don't have anyone I could turn to in a crisis (just my mum and dad) and I'm not on any social media for similar reasons to yours.

Unfortunately, I don't have any answers, but if you find one, let us all know!

Wow wishiwasntme, it sounds like we lead such similar lives

I hate it when people say, go get a hobbie or volunteer, I've don't that! It didn't work, I'm not just sitting around waiting for a friend to knock my door I know that's not going to happen

It's true everyone seems already set up, they have enough friends in their lives

The only way out as I see it is

1. meet another lonely sole that you gel with and voila friendship
2. be lucky enough to infiltrate an existing friendship group and be accepted in

I will throw this one at you I struggled with this personally its the getting up and getting 4 children ready that turns me off. You could go on your own everyone is friendly and you could build a friendship from it but it means you have to be consistent. Everyone is friendly and nice and you can even have a cup of tea after. CHURCH.

You have to be realistic with your expectations I find that people will only talk to you if you gossip like them. If you have nothing to say then they lose interest. I don't talk my business or gossip and I don't talk other peoples business as well. I am considered boring to them. You have to find genuine people out there who don't want to talk fart every time you see them. My partner used to accuse me of being a snob but if you hear how women talk when they get together would you blame me. A mum told a group of us at the table that another child who we all knew had worms, classless woman. Now he has a different opinion now.

Try the church you wont be disappointed.

Everysongbirdsays - thank you for posting that - I've recognised myself in your words

Me - I have no friends, like pp have already said I go between being devasted and hurt to just being anxious that others don't realise how friendless I am - it MUST be something in me stopping friendships

Gym - you sound lovely - please don't give up.

Just out of interest everyone, what Myers Briggs personality are you? I'm INFJ

Everysongbirdsays - thank you for posting that - I've recognised myself in your words

Me - I have no friends, like pp have already said I go between being devasted and hurt to just being anxious that others don't realise how friendless I am - it MUST be something in me stopping friendships

Gym - you sound lovely - please don't give up.

Just out of interest everyone, what Myers Briggs personality are you? I'm INFJ

I used to have a lot of friends,and am pretty chatty and easygoing.I have moved a couple of times and am a single parent who worked full time.This combined with irregular bouts of depression and a difficult ex meant I had little space for anyone.
I have lived in my current area for a couple of years,no friends. Sad to see it written down.

I just lost my best friend suddenly - she was 46 .... she would come round most mornings and ring often and help me out - I have bad anxiety but poor love she had a really bad back so we didn't go out very often but I knew she was always there for me. I have a couple of people who pretend to be friends but they're too busy with themselves, so I am very lonely at the mo and can't go anywhere to meet anyone ... I am very sociable so it's hard. At least OP you work, so you should have the opportunity to meet people and socialise maybe, if you wanted to

I'm the same friends have sort of drifted away over the years - I'm happily married and my husband is my best friend but sometimes I worry what I'd do if he ever left me as I would have no one