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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To keep this a massive secret

297 replies

Gymboree567 · 04/08/2016 19:39

I've got no friends
There I said it! I never tell anyone, my family, people at work, I feel like it's more embarrassing than a really embarrassing illness!
If I had to make a choice I'd rather tell people about the time I had an anal fissure than admit to having no friends
It's always used as an insult, "billy no mates" "got no friends"

Is it that embarrassing? Should I be keeping it a secret?
If you have friends, do you think it's really weird?

OP posts:
Bahhhhhumbug · 04/08/2016 20:41

Oh Gymboree I feel so sad on your behalf you sound such a lovely sweet , caring person . I was in a similiar situation years ago after moving from pillar to post with my now exh , we never settled anywhere and also he was very controllng so would always put the kibosh on any hint of a friendship , so all in all I couldnt gather any friends. My lovely now DH is very popular and has lived in same area since childhood and through him I have made and met loads of his friends who have now become mine. As my confidence has grown to without exh looming behind me I have also made a few of my own. I hope you dont mind me saying this but I think your DH is being a bit mean spirited and l think really if the person you love is obviously unhappy and struggling to make friends then l think you should do all you can to help that person and suggesting get togethers etc. for you to meet people. l think also as you get older it gets harder to make friends as everyone seems to be 'sorted' by a certain age and either friends with lifelong or long term /ex schoolfriends etc. or they have a big family or arent that fussed as they have a few friends and dont need anymore.or they presume that you too are 'sorted' and dont like to ask you out for a coffee or whatever as they too fear rejection. Dont give up you would make someone a lovely friend , there are a lot of people in your boat or lonely for different reasons, I hope you meet one or two of them soon.

MiracletoCome · 04/08/2016 20:43

I dont really have friends either, I have colleagues at work but I don't mix with them out of work, I pass the time with the neighbours. I have had friends in the past and lost touch. Sometimes in the past I have just got on well with maybe a work colleague and been friends out of work but I am very much friendships come and go rather than friends for life. I think it is probably more common than you think.

Stratter5 · 04/08/2016 20:44

Me either. Well I now have one friend, DD2's BF's mother, who I get on with really well. But she's like me, and much prefers to chat over Messenger with the odd RL coffee every now and then. So arms length, just as I like it.

Other than that, I really don't trust people enough.

Rubies12345 · 04/08/2016 20:45

A woman from work blocked me, I thought she was a potential friend, turns out they were planning a night out and didn't want me to find out so blocked me. I was so devastated I deleted the whole account

That's horrible! How did you find out?

Chipsahoy · 04/08/2016 20:45

Me too. I pretend I do, to everyone. Work colleagues. Family, even my therapist. Cos I agree, it's embarrassing. Why is it embarrassing?

MiracletoCome · 04/08/2016 20:46

Oh and I am not on Facebook, that is probably making you feel worse, I would probably drop that or just make it family if you want to share family news.

nickiminageatrois · 04/08/2016 20:46

when I ask if we can all do something wives included he says they don't want to

Ok, first of all ; you don't need your husband's permission to do something.

Do you have the friends/wives of friends contact details? If so, and if you want to (it sounds like you want to) get in touch with them all and suggest a meal out, a Sunday lunch in the local pub, bbq in the park/at the beach. If they genuinely don't want to you'll soon find out, but it can be a lovely way to socialise as families!

Or, contact just the wives/gf and suggest a night out - you will all have something in common!

Very close, trusted friends are hard to come by and usually take years to develop (in my experience), but you can get a social circle going in the meantime!

Notsurewhyimhere · 04/08/2016 20:48

I have no friends either. I feel like I should have a fair few at 21 years old sadly not :(

MiracletoCome · 04/08/2016 20:48

Sorry I see you deleted your Facebook

Original poster
Gymboree567 · 04/08/2016 20:50

Rubies,
I found out as I heard a rumour it was her birthday and there was a night out planned
We were friends on Facebook so I thought I would look at her page to see when her birthday was
But she wasn't on my friend list, infact I couldn't find her at all,

Went on my husbands Facebook and searched her name, there she was!!
School boy error, if your going to block someone, block their husband too!

I really was devastated

OP posts:
Original poster
Gymboree567 · 04/08/2016 20:52

I couldn't contact the wives, I've never met them, that would be weird wouldn't it? I'm a total stranger to them
I've only met one of his friends around 15 years ago, I'm never invited out with them

OP posts:
Glittered · 04/08/2016 20:55

I have no friends I have found I've become close to a girl from work as we are both on mat leave And meet up often I feel she has become my friend I hope so anyway

Glitterpegs · 04/08/2016 20:55

I don't have friends either but I have made some friends online who I enjoy chatting to and they fill the gap nicely.

OK not the same as going out and meeting a friend in a restaurant, but it is great to get text messages and chat online about what is happening in our lives.

Keeps the friendships simple too

nickiminageatrois · 04/08/2016 20:57

Gymb the fb thing is nasty. My friends list is nowhere near 400 (less than half) but I am very selective as to who I add - quality over quantity.

Your response to the blocker is totally understandable, but you should then be thinking "what a cuntychops she is." Grin You won't be the first (or last) person she's treated like that! Be glad she's not in your circle.

lifeofatwoworldmummy · 04/08/2016 20:57

Me either! And most of the time I really see it as a blessing!!

nickiminageatrois · 04/08/2016 20:59

sorry x-post. No, it wouldn't be weird at all! It would be nice! Weren't they on your fb? I think it's fairly easy to re-activate it?

nickiminageatrois · 04/08/2016 21:01

If not, TELL your DH you want to organise something and get the contact info from him. If he's obstructive I'd be more worried about that.

It is not ok for him to have a social life while you feel so lonely!

Original poster
Gymboree567 · 04/08/2016 21:01

I'm glad I'm not the only one with no friends
But I feel for everyone who has posted
Maybe it's like meeting a partner, it will happen when you least expect it,
I'll keep trying, but not trying too hard so I don't look needy!

It's true it's much more difficult as an adult, I think leaving school with no friends has massively contributed to my situation (tmi but bullied leading to ED, self harm, and the whole class thinking I was a nutter)

OP posts:
chaplin1409 · 04/08/2016 21:02

I don't really have friends and I am a SAHM so no work people either

Original poster
Gymboree567 · 04/08/2016 21:04

I haven't just deactivated, it's literally all gone, deleted forever
I didn't have them on Facebook, as I am literally a stranger to them, I only know one of their names
I don't want to push it with my husband as he gets stroppy about it

OP posts:
hrtbigbutt · 04/08/2016 21:07

Sam here, I too am embarrassed by it and lonely too sometimes.

It sucks.

nickiminageatrois · 04/08/2016 21:07

Flowers sounds like you've had a pretty hard time. be nice to yourself.

MissMargie · 04/08/2016 21:08

I don't think you miss friends if you are busy doing other stuff. And once you are busy doing stuff you have something to chat to strangers about.

Go out in the evenings and do stuff, yoga, art, knitting whatever. If you'd been dashing out the door to go to your hobby your DD wouldn't have thought of accusing you of being friendless.

I always had probs making friends but it was partly due (I realised after many years) because of something that happened in my childhood which I felt ashamed about, and had never admitted to anyone. The upshot of that is that you cannot fully be yourself, and be relaxed, there is always this thing you are holding back. and I think that meant I couldn't move from the workplace type friend to the really close friend.
I've had counselling and spoke to the counsellor about the problem and have come to terms with that now. I am much more open as a result.

Original poster
Gymboree567 · 04/08/2016 21:09

I wish it wasn't embarrassing
I think if people find out, they will think there's something wrong with me

OP posts:
ShyCharles · 04/08/2016 21:09

There was a MN meeting group on Facebook that was busy a while ago. You could find people near you and meet up. 😊

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