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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU because I don't want to pay for Partners exmil's shopping all the time?!

228 replies

Collywobbler · 03/08/2016 11:00

My partner and I have been together for 4 years, I met him 3 years after he divorced and he has a child with his exw.

EXW and exMIL slagged me off profusely when we got together for no other reason than they both thought at one point my partner and his ex would get back together. I saw the text messages that were sent to my partner and exmil said along the lines of "shes so ugly I can't believe you've lowered your standards etc" so I have never been a fan of either of them from the start!

Anyway fast forward a few years and whilst they've both stopped slagging me off I still don't want anything to do with them although I never say anything bad about them infront of his dc.

When my partner has his DC we tend to try to do something in the evening like go shopping etc. We were out a few weeks ago and I popped into a clothes shop and picked up a few things. Whilst we were in there exmil phoned to speak to her GC and asked where we were, when she found out we were in this particular clothes shop she asked if we could get her several pairs of socks - totalling around £10 I think it was. As I went to pay for my clothes I was handed the socks and expected to pay for them with mine..

Bit miffed but assumed I would be reimbursed but never was, she apparently never asked who she owed the money to or how much it was..

Second time we were food shopping and she called and asked to pick up x y z and again I ended up paying for it because I was paying for my shopping also and again no reimbursement.

Happened again last night we were out in a particular shop and was asked to pick up things that totalled to around £40. Got to the checkout and I said to partner "that till is free if you'd like to pay for your exmil's items" he looked at me as if I had three heads and said "don't be so tight, just put it through with your stuff!"

I avoided responding because I didn't want to cause a scene infront of his DC but I'm getting pretty fed up of this now I don't see why I should keep paying for things for someone I don't even like especially as I never get reimbursed for it!

I haven't brought it up with partner yet as his DC is still with him but before I do - aibu to say I'm not paying for her stuff anymore especially as its coming out of my pocket??

Exmil isn't ill or disabled preventing her from getting to shops and she earns around 4 times my salary.Sometimes I struggle to make ends meet at the end of the month and these extra purchases every other week are not helping!

OP posts:
BennieHogan · 04/08/2016 19:39

What's wrong with DP that he would expect you to pay for his ex-MIL's shopping? Even if your incomes are combined and you are at the till paying with combined money, he should still not expect it; it's coming out of your pocket either way and it's disrespectful to you and your relationship. He's further wrong to let her continue to barge into his life. She is NOT the DC's mother, and I would hope he would not let the mother do that either. You sound like a nice person who almost feels like she should do as he is asking just to avoid conflict. I can say that, because I was the same way and it got me nowhere until I put my foot down ... HARD. He's crossing boundaries with you. And he has the nerve to call YOU "tight"?

BiddyJ · 04/08/2016 19:41

Oh dear, please be careful, DP was extremely disrespectful the way he spoke to you regarding "being tight", that he thought you should pay for exmil's stuff was wrong on so many levels. That he never repaid you himself, knowing you're on a tight budget is alarming.

You need to step back from this situation, it's way to complicated, the child shouldn't be dependant on you being around to stop him feeling unhappy. Dp needs to concentrate on sorting out what's best for dc if that means him fighting for custody so be it. DC is being emotionally abused, his father needs to acknowledge this, it's not fair to expect you to fill the mother role.

You need to ensure Dp understands that when dc is in his care, he makes sure they spend their time constructively so he feels the love he's not getting at home.

You do not want to be left in a position where you are heartbroken because dc makes you feel bad, and you get more and more attached, then if you and Dp split up you never see dc again, there's to much EX-family in your relationship. Until Dp can sort things out, step back.

user1469553255 · 04/08/2016 20:10

You need to stop answering your phone when you're shopping.

Clairewev · 04/08/2016 20:17

Hell no! If he wants to shower his exMIL with gifts then he can pay for it! £40 is a lot of money! I'd be asking for him to transfer it back in to my account and making it extremely clear that I would not be paying for anything for her again and he shouldn't put u in that position!

pinkoctober · 04/08/2016 20:35

How can you not be angry at this blatant act of abuse? I'm angry just reading this! The mil is not related to you and has nothing to do with you. So I think if u don't want to cause a scene fair enough but as it seems to be a regular occurrence it's time to stand up for yourself and make it clear. Feeling bad for that is ridiculous on your part. The rich stay rich because they don't spend their money. Time to ask the kid to put it back or daddy to take it to another til as you STILL haven't been reimbursed. Don't feel put out because you R actually right!

Marysunshine · 04/08/2016 21:01

Seriously weird - you need to knock this on the head fast - what other tunes of his ex and her family is he dancing to that you don't know about?

Shona52 · 04/08/2016 21:55

No way would I do this. If he has a problem tell him to pay for it

mummymummums · 04/08/2016 22:22

This all sounds so unhealthy. Plainly ex MIL is doing this deliberately. Probably to punish him financially, but he's found a way for OP to suffer this instead.
But I'm confused as to why OP says we try to do something in the evening, like shopping etc. WTF? Why would shopping be a regular group activity when your ex has his DC??? Poor child doing that alt he time when he's spending precious time with his Dad. Yes, it's real life, but think quality time. And if you're not out shopping ex MIL can't play her games

eiledon · 04/08/2016 22:24

what the actual f**k.?!? you are not being unreasonable AT ALL. but HE IS. and THEY ARE. after the slagging they gave you? the exMIL has a brass neck on her and she's taking advantage. just say no next time and damn any consequences.

debsam · 04/08/2016 22:39

OP, I think you should give yourself a big pat on the back. You (and your DP) have provided a safe haven and a normal lifestyle for a child who is obviously starved of love and stability at his mother's home. The care and consideration that this child gives you is a testament to how you have embedded yourself in his life and his heart. It is only expected that he is sad when you are not there because his terms of reference are that his mother does not keep her promises and he has serious trust issues. I don't believe that he is trying to guilt you out of a sense of anything other than fear that you may not come back.

The fact that your DP's ex-MIL phones him every day whilst he is with your DP I think is a positive thing for DC. It gives him another sense of stability, of permanence. I also wonder whether she is doing this, through your DP, because she too is lacking something from her DD. She too sees your DP as a solid permanent fixture who won't let her down in the same way as her DD.

The issue with the shopping for your DP's ex-MIL has now been sorted. You have the money back, your DP knows where you stand on this issue and you both know who will be forking out for any other shopping in the future. You haven't said how old your DC is but if he is old enough, why not see if he would like to phone his GM occasionally before you go out shopping rather than her phoning your DP. It will give DC a way to become independent, to start growing up.

mummymummums · 04/08/2016 22:41

As an after thought - is there any chance ex MIL has something on DP that he doesn't want you to find out? Is that why he agrees to her outrageous requests for shopping etc?

Mycraneisfixed · 04/08/2016 23:12

You've been together four years and you don't feel able to tell him you won't spend your money on his exW?! You need to take a long hard look at your relationship.

Mycraneisfixed · 04/08/2016 23:13

Meant to say exMIL!

Lesley1980 · 04/08/2016 23:55

Why have neither of you asked her or the ex wife for the money when you hand the stuff over? If she won't bring it up & you won't bring it up then it's never going to be paid for.

lozzylizzy · 05/08/2016 05:31

This reply has been deleted

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luciole15 · 05/08/2016 07:46

I think ex MIL knows something you don't OP about your DP and she is doing some minor blackmailing as a result.

MrsMac2014 · 05/08/2016 09:31

Shocking, you need to have a conversation about what you've paid so far. £40 + etc, etc. Asking why you should be paying for her items - she has no connection to you and she is his ex mil AND he is taking the mick asking you to pay and accusing you of being tight for complaining!
Seems absurd that she would be phoning him TBH. Definitely speak about it and let him think about it.

Stormtreader · 05/08/2016 09:37

I wonder if he asks to go shopping because hes learned that unless he asks for what he thinks the adult will want to do, it doesnt happen?

MrsHathaway · 05/08/2016 09:50

I wonder if he asks to go shopping because hes learned that unless he asks for what he thinks the adult will want to do, it doesn't happen?

If true, heartbreaking. Talk about managing expectations.

SooBee61 · 05/08/2016 10:45

You have more of a problem with your DP than his mother. This is not acceptable behaviour.

theclick · 05/08/2016 10:50

This has to be a fucking joke, I've never heard of anything so ridiculous

ginghamstarfish · 05/08/2016 11:27

Have spent far too much time on reading this, but surely it has to be about power/revenge/maliciousness? The ex MIL is no doubt cackling away that she is getting trivial (to her) items paid for by the OP and/or her DP and thereby possibly causing rows between them.

dansmum · 05/08/2016 21:44

If the partner of OP is being unsupportive she could suggestvShe/ the Op could randomly call the ex m.i.l and ask her to purchase random items for her along the lines of ' Next time you are in...xyz could you pick me up item abc? I would go get it myself but I''m a little short on cash a t m as I haven't been reimburst for the items I picked up for you yet...' I know that you wont think I am being petty as I know that I'm sure it has just slipped your mind ...and. I know you are not the sort of person who would take advantage of someone like that...I know you have too much self respect to be like that (!).BTW
We have separate accounts so if I pop over with the receipts would it be ok if you gave ME the money , rather than DP? He's SO forgetful ( !). I dont want money owed to be a source of awkwardness between us( !) ESPECIALLY if it meant less treats for little Billy when we have him for the weekend Grin. I KNOW you'd understand.
FWIW you should agree with dp not to tell them where you are going. Tell them you a little short on cash and can't help on this occasion. Tell them a family member owes you some money and hasn't paid you back yet. Once SHE has, you'll be happy to help again. Isn't it AWFUL when people are SO inconsiderate!

KeepingitReal2 · 06/08/2016 02:33

Some women accept anything just to say they are with a man

Clutterbugsmum · 06/08/2016 08:19

To be honest if it was me (and I wouldn't paid in the first place) I would be telling DP that he needs to give me the money now and then he can wait until his Exmil gives him the money back.

It's all vary well him agreeing to pay/buy stuff for her, it's not alright for him to expect his new partner to pay for it.

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