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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU because I don't want to pay for Partners exmil's shopping all the time?!

228 replies

Collywobbler · 03/08/2016 11:00

My partner and I have been together for 4 years, I met him 3 years after he divorced and he has a child with his exw.

EXW and exMIL slagged me off profusely when we got together for no other reason than they both thought at one point my partner and his ex would get back together. I saw the text messages that were sent to my partner and exmil said along the lines of "shes so ugly I can't believe you've lowered your standards etc" so I have never been a fan of either of them from the start!

Anyway fast forward a few years and whilst they've both stopped slagging me off I still don't want anything to do with them although I never say anything bad about them infront of his dc.

When my partner has his DC we tend to try to do something in the evening like go shopping etc. We were out a few weeks ago and I popped into a clothes shop and picked up a few things. Whilst we were in there exmil phoned to speak to her GC and asked where we were, when she found out we were in this particular clothes shop she asked if we could get her several pairs of socks - totalling around £10 I think it was. As I went to pay for my clothes I was handed the socks and expected to pay for them with mine..

Bit miffed but assumed I would be reimbursed but never was, she apparently never asked who she owed the money to or how much it was..

Second time we were food shopping and she called and asked to pick up x y z and again I ended up paying for it because I was paying for my shopping also and again no reimbursement.

Happened again last night we were out in a particular shop and was asked to pick up things that totalled to around £40. Got to the checkout and I said to partner "that till is free if you'd like to pay for your exmil's items" he looked at me as if I had three heads and said "don't be so tight, just put it through with your stuff!"

I avoided responding because I didn't want to cause a scene infront of his DC but I'm getting pretty fed up of this now I don't see why I should keep paying for things for someone I don't even like especially as I never get reimbursed for it!

I haven't brought it up with partner yet as his DC is still with him but before I do - aibu to say I'm not paying for her stuff anymore especially as its coming out of my pocket??

Exmil isn't ill or disabled preventing her from getting to shops and she earns around 4 times my salary.Sometimes I struggle to make ends meet at the end of the month and these extra purchases every other week are not helping!

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 03/08/2016 17:28

No, it's his ex-MIL's socks that she's buying!

Dutchcourage · 03/08/2016 17:31

Urgh this would be too much drama for me. I think he is much more giving to his ex wife that you realise otherwise she wouldn't keep asking.

He just has to say no. And to expect you to pay for someone that slags you off is weird

PersianCatLady · 03/08/2016 17:32

My Dad sometimes asks me to get him things like USB drives and things from Wilkinson's as they don't go shopping where it is.

However there is no way he would let me give him what he asked for without paying even if I say, it was a fiver don't worry.

In fact my Dad spent 2 days painting my kitchen a few weeks ago and at lunchtime I bought him some sandwiches, a drink and a pastry from the shop and he even tried to offer me money for them.

handslikecowstits · 03/08/2016 17:36

This is one of the most batshit threads I've ever read on here.

Lilacpink40 · 03/08/2016 17:37

You think she's lost the plot - true - but you've been going along with this from day one.

Stop from this moment. Question every strange thing she and ex do. It'll make or break the relationship, but you won't be a doormat anymore.

April241 · 03/08/2016 17:37

Wait what?!

So your £70 is the equivalent of 25p to her yet she can't give you it back because she's short on funds?

And she's asked her daughters ex to give the daughter a few hundred quid.....FOR A DINNER PARTY because they used to be a couple????

Please tell me he told her to fuck right off.

2rebecca · 03/08/2016 17:40

If his exMIL is wealthy why doesn't she pay for the dinner party? Also if you can't afford expensive food you have cheap food. It all sounds bizarre. Agree that I'm concerned that she even thought of asking him for something so unnecessary and unrelated to the child.
Is he rolling in money? If so why didn't he pay for the socks. if not why doesn't he tell them where to go? Sounds like he did on this occasion but he sounds overentangled in his exwife's life and that of his exMIL.

NickiFury · 03/08/2016 17:45

I am fuming on your behalf just reading that OP, I have no better advice to add than that you have been given but simply had to express my complete outrage.

Memoires · 03/08/2016 17:47

Blimey! They thought they'd got you nicely stitched up between them, those exes.

I wonder how long it'sll be beofre you actually do get the £70? It's like 25p to her, but she's low on funds and can't give it to you right now! GrinGrinGrin

Does she really think you believe that? Batshit. Totally fucking batshit.

Memoires · 03/08/2016 17:51

Perhaps he could delay answering the phone to her while you're in the shop? She'll keep trying to get through, so he could answer once you're all back at home. Tell him to put the phone on silent while you're out, or even switch it off or, heaven forfend, leave it at home.

I wonder if she'll keep ringing when she finds she can't get someone to spend money on her. With luck, she'll ring in the day and talk to her gc then.

ijustwannadance · 03/08/2016 18:00

So she thinks £70 is insignificant yet she can't give her own DD £200 but expects him too?
She's a proper loon.

DontMindMe1 · 03/08/2016 18:15

"that till is free if you'd like to pay for your exmil's items" he looked at me as if I had three heads and said "don't be so tight, just put it through with your stuff!"

i had an ex-boyfriend like this. We lived separately, went to asda together to do our shopping. he would jump in front of me in the self service tills, put his case of beer through first and food last,and then would always turn round to me and ask for a quid or two to pay his bill. always putting me on the spot in front of everyone so i'd look like a dick for saying no, i'm the 'mean' one as now he has to return some food Hmm. funny how they never bring up paying you back isn't it?

the day i ignored him and went off to use another till and refused to top up his shopping he got all sulky - no apologies for continually doing that despite our discussions.

the day he asked for the 10p tip i'd given the taxi driver was the last straw. he hadn't even paid half of his share of the fare and thought the 10p tip i gave came out of his money!!!!

has your dp told you why it never entered his head to reimburse you for the shopping without you having to ask? especially as he called you 'tight'?

just as well you're not living together!

rollonthesummer · 03/08/2016 18:19

Why didn't your ex mother in law pay for her daughter's dinner party food if she has got such a good job?

None of this thread makes sense?

Original poster
Collywobbler · 03/08/2016 18:50

That's exactly what my dp said to her. Makes no sense to me either!

OP posts:
PaulDacreCuntyMcCuntFace · 03/08/2016 18:56

Put a stop to this ridiculous farce of having to pay for her shopping and then listen to her make snide comments about insignificant amounts of money. As for the suggestion about lending his ex money so she can have a dinner party - WTF?

Your DP seriously needs to put some boundaries in place, pronto. ExMIL is no longer your DP's problem. Stop talking to her. If she wants to speak to the kids then she should contact them when they are with their Mum.

EverySongbirdSays · 03/08/2016 18:57

Have not RTFT just first page but CHRIST.

Take him to one side when the kids are not present/in earshot and say.

"You can pay whatever you want to for your XMIL but I will never pay for anything for her again, and don't ask, tell me or expect me to or tell me off for not doing in front of the kids. Non-negotiatable"

Job Done. Just be assertive. It sounds like you're trying to be polite.

TheDevilMadeMeDoIt · 03/08/2016 20:30

Then EverySongbird - RTFT.

There's something that's nagging at me here. (1)The ExW is throwing a dinner party - invites probably already gone out - that she can't afford. (2)When her DS is with his dad, he's not bothered about football, fishing or paintballing, he wants to do everyday things like go to the supermarket, and he's sad if you're not there.

What's the ExW like as a mother? Is she also prone to the occasional grand gesture with her DS, but doesn't show love, warmth or affection day to day?

I'm just wondering if the DS likes the time with you and DP because he can feel part of an ordinary loving family doing ordinary things. Hell, for all we know he might be going round the supermarket pretending in his head that you're mummy and daddy and he's your DC.

I know I can be a softy, but if were you and he was so disappointed when you're not going to be there but he didn't make a fuss or demand that you stay, I'm sure I'd be there for him every time!

KittensandKnitting · 03/08/2016 21:05

Whhhhhatttttt... No the exW she fund her own bloody dinner party!!!

Am still baffled by the purchasing of someone else's socks... I just can't get past it Grin

Original poster
Collywobbler · 03/08/2016 21:13

Devil you might be onto something there. From what I've been told his DC was very insecure for a long time after the divorce because she withheld contact for a while to spite him and it calmed down when she found her new bloke because she wanted to spend all her time with this new bloke and not her dc.

Again from what I'm told, I'm trying not to be biased here as it's easy to do when it's someone's ex, but dc regularly comes over and says oooh mummy is buying me a new computer next week! It doesn't happen and he's disappointed, next time he comes over and says mummy said she's buying me a new puppy next week! Again it doesn't happen and he gets fed up as she's constantly promising him expensive things but obviously in reality can't afford it.
DP never promises him things and he never seems to want anything he just enjoys the time with us we will all sit together in the evening on the sofa and watch tv, something he doesn't do with his mum as she doesn't spend any time with him (from what I'm told) so you may be right he's craving some normal family time

I can't quite work out why if exmil has such a highly paid job she is suddenly saying she can't afford to give her daughter money or pay me back.

She has actually given the money to my dp this evening via bank transfer and he's paid me so that's all ended well but still don't get the giving money to ex wife thing but luckily dp said not a chance in hell seeing as his DC won't even be attending this dinner party.

OP posts:
PersianCatLady · 03/08/2016 21:21

If this woman is your DP's ex MIL what is she doing phoning him when the kids are with him and why on Earth would he buy things for her?

Am I understanding this right, she is the mother of your DP's ex-partner?

KittensandKnitting · 03/08/2016 21:44

Bless his little socks, he sounds like a lovely little boy and you sound lovely.

I'm so pleased you have got your money back, on no planet is that acceptable! I expect she is just "expecting" your DP to pay for everything because he somehow owes her...

If you are interested/ for future reference (in case you haven't seen it) the step parenting forum on here can be very helpful :)

HormonalHeap · 03/08/2016 21:45

My dh is close to his ex's mil. Always popping in. Difference is she's lovely to me too, just a lovely person (also nc with dh's ex- her dd).

In your situation though, I would (1) laugh. (2) present him with a bill for your mother's M&S underwear! Has he completely lost the plot? And have you for accepting it?

PersianCatLady · 03/08/2016 22:00

present him with a bill for your mother's M&S underwear
But from what I am understanding this is not the OP's DP's mother it is his ex-MIL, the mother of his ex-wife.

I still don't understand why now that marriage has ended and the ex-MIL seems to dislike the OP why her DP has continued to stay in contact with her. Surely she can speak to her GC when they are with their mother , she doesn't need to be contacting them when they are with their father.

To me this whole situation seems really odd.

HormonalHeap · 03/08/2016 22:17

Persian- I know it's his ex-MIL, that's what makes it so outrageous and comical. If op has an ex-MIL than yes, present him with her undie bill, even better. I agree, it's very odd.

PersianCatLady · 03/08/2016 22:25

I can't understand why when he has moved on he still speaks to his ex-wife's mother.

I have thought about it and no matter how hard I try to I still don't get it.