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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU because I don't want to pay for Partners exmil's shopping all the time?!

228 replies

Collywobbler · 03/08/2016 11:00

My partner and I have been together for 4 years, I met him 3 years after he divorced and he has a child with his exw.

EXW and exMIL slagged me off profusely when we got together for no other reason than they both thought at one point my partner and his ex would get back together. I saw the text messages that were sent to my partner and exmil said along the lines of "shes so ugly I can't believe you've lowered your standards etc" so I have never been a fan of either of them from the start!

Anyway fast forward a few years and whilst they've both stopped slagging me off I still don't want anything to do with them although I never say anything bad about them infront of his dc.

When my partner has his DC we tend to try to do something in the evening like go shopping etc. We were out a few weeks ago and I popped into a clothes shop and picked up a few things. Whilst we were in there exmil phoned to speak to her GC and asked where we were, when she found out we were in this particular clothes shop she asked if we could get her several pairs of socks - totalling around £10 I think it was. As I went to pay for my clothes I was handed the socks and expected to pay for them with mine..

Bit miffed but assumed I would be reimbursed but never was, she apparently never asked who she owed the money to or how much it was..

Second time we were food shopping and she called and asked to pick up x y z and again I ended up paying for it because I was paying for my shopping also and again no reimbursement.

Happened again last night we were out in a particular shop and was asked to pick up things that totalled to around £40. Got to the checkout and I said to partner "that till is free if you'd like to pay for your exmil's items" he looked at me as if I had three heads and said "don't be so tight, just put it through with your stuff!"

I avoided responding because I didn't want to cause a scene infront of his DC but I'm getting pretty fed up of this now I don't see why I should keep paying for things for someone I don't even like especially as I never get reimbursed for it!

I haven't brought it up with partner yet as his DC is still with him but before I do - aibu to say I'm not paying for her stuff anymore especially as its coming out of my pocket??

Exmil isn't ill or disabled preventing her from getting to shops and she earns around 4 times my salary.Sometimes I struggle to make ends meet at the end of the month and these extra purchases every other week are not helping!

OP posts:
Original poster
Collywobbler · 03/08/2016 14:30

sorry I may have come across wrong with regards to spending my time - its my partners dc that makes me feel bad if I don't see him but not in a bad way he just sounds really sad and says oh ok I will see you next time then but in a really sad voice! He tells his dad he loves spending time with me and always looks forward to seeing me so that's what I meant by making me feel guilty I didn't mean he gets funny with me or anything like that.

OP posts:
ptumbi · 03/08/2016 14:34

If I say I am not coming over one evening when DP has him because im meeting friends etc then he gets really quite upset and it makes me feel so guilty - not sure if you mean DP makes you feel guilty, OP, or whether it's Ds, but if it is DP, that is a huge red flag.

So is financial abuse.

FGS don't move in with him without having a serious chat about finances, and safeguarding your own.

Your 'conversation' sounds ok, IF you actually say it. Personally, 'NO' is much more succinct.

LilacInn · 03/08/2016 14:34

I think you are giving too much power to these children.

There is nothing wrong with saying "Yes, I love to see you too, Timmy, but I have other things I need to do this evening/weekend/whatever." I would never let a boyfriend's kid guilt-trip me over anything. If he is sad it's up to his parents to sort that out.

Same with the shopping. There is nothing wrong with a child hearing you say "I'm sorry, I can't pick up her shopping tonight, it's not in the budget and I haven't been paid back for the past items. Perhaps her family members can get those things for her." Nothing whatsoever impolite, disrespectful or contentious about that. You don't want the child growing up to be a financial doormat, do you?

blacktiger · 03/08/2016 14:36

Why is your dp allowing these calls. "Oh hi, we're out just now but I'll get dc to phone you back as soon as we get home, bye". Simple. People who expect you to have a general chat while you are out drive me crazy!! It's so rude! It's different if it's to tell you something important. Better still, don't answer and let the Dc phone when you get home.

2rebecca · 03/08/2016 14:42

Don't discuss whether or not you are there with the child. Discuss it with your partner when he isn't there. It's nice to feel wanted but maybe your partner needs to learn how to entertain his son without you around and shopping trips and maybe his son needs to learn to entertain himself.

3GirlsMamaBear · 03/08/2016 14:45

YANBU!
Sounds like he is the one that is tight!

DinosaursRoar · 03/08/2016 14:59

oh OP - I think you sound lovely but very soft! You can't stand up to your DP, you can't stand up to your DP's ExMIL and you can't stand up to your DSC! Say no. If anything, it would be best for your DSC to have more one-to-one time with their Dad.

RepentAtLeisure · 03/08/2016 15:09

Good. From now on be tight. Net time you go shopping put £40 worth of stuff in his basket and see if he's happy to pay for it. I bet they all think your DP is buying the stuff, and I bet he doesn't put them straight.

RepentAtLeisure · 03/08/2016 15:09

*Next

Original poster
Collywobbler · 03/08/2016 16:12

OK I've spoken to him...

I said any idea when your ex mil is planning to pay me back for what she owes me? He said he didn't know - I asked him to ring her to find out...

He rang her and said any chance I could grab the £70 off you soon? For what?! she said - for the shopping you've had lately as it was collywobbler that paid for it. She said she didn't think it was that much of a big deal and thought he had paid for it all, but if it's that significant she would try to get the money but she was a bit low on funds.

I said just FYI after the horrible things she said about me in the beginning I won't be making any more purchases on her behalf and if you want to run round and pick things up for her that's fine but don't expect me to foot the bill!

She did say something else which left me a bit Shock WTF! but maybe that's best for another thread!!

OP posts:
Chippednailvarnishing · 03/08/2016 16:20

You sound like a total doormat and your D'P' is a user...

2rebecca · 03/08/2016 16:33

She didn't think it was that much of a deal, but it just so happens she's too skint to afford to repay you? It was obviously deliberate.
I can't see why she'd think her EX son in law would buy her socks and shopping anyway. That doesn't make sense either.

rollonthesummer · 03/08/2016 16:50

Why would you pay more than once?!

Don't be a doormat.

Original poster
Collywobbler · 03/08/2016 16:50

She's basically saying she thinks the amount of money was so insignificant why bother asking for it but then with someone that has as much as she does i guess it would be our equivalent of around 25p to her! She is going to give him the money apparently but thinks I'm making a big deal of nothing.

OP posts:
Original poster
Collywobbler · 03/08/2016 16:52

I think because the type of job she has,she has a PA who she's used to ordering around and getting her shopping and things so thinks she can just order everyone else around. Thinking about it she should have got her bloody PA to go get her socks!

OP posts:
toptoe · 03/08/2016 16:52

Does he owe her or her dd money? Is she trying to get the money by making him buy stuff, or did she know you were buying in advance?

rollonthesummer · 03/08/2016 16:56

If this is loose change for her- why is she too short of funds to pay you back?

She sounds like a cow and I think there is somehow some laughing at you about this behind your back.

ClopySow · 03/08/2016 17:04

She did say something else which left me a bit WTF! but maybe that's best for another thread

Em...no way man. You have to tell us.

LilacInn · 03/08/2016 17:04

Don't leave us hanging, what was the other thing she said?

Also tbh your partner should have repaid you and then chased down the money from her. Not made you wait till she coughs up. Why is he not more protective of your money and your budget? I'm starting to wonder about him in all this, frankly.

DinosaursRoar · 03/08/2016 17:04

what was the other thing?!!?!

Meh, tell him she's shown her colours, you won't pay for any more and think he's a mug if he does!

SandyPantz · 03/08/2016 17:14

eh! no! spit it out! (the "other WTF thing") Grin

I bet she actually is stoney broke but trying to keep up the facade, like the guys who leave the house at 7am in a work suit then sit in the library till 5!

PersianCatLady · 03/08/2016 17:20

"that till is free if you'd like to pay for your exmil's items"
Do you mean his mother's items?

proudnewMNaddict · 03/08/2016 17:22

Wow talk about cheek!

Original poster
Collywobbler · 03/08/2016 17:27

No persiancatlady I mean his EXMIL!

Ok the other thing was she asked if there was any way DP could "give" (not lend) his exw a few hundred pounds as she wants to host a dinner party this weekend and she didn't have the money to do so!

My dp said why the hell would I want to give her a few hundred pounds so she can have a random dinner party? ?

She said because at the end of the day you were together once and it would be a nice gesture! Wtf?!

He pays csa and provides school uniform and pays for lots of things for his DC so this isn't an owed payment or anything!

I think she's lost the plot...is not a special occasion she just fancied hosting a party!

I swear this isn't a wind up!

OP posts:
BalloonSlayer · 03/08/2016 17:28

So it's an insignificant amount of money but she can't get hold of it right now because she's short of money?

And she has such a high powered job she's got a PA and earns four times what you do but hasn't got any cash and gets someone else to choose and buy several pairs of cheap socks for her without even caring what they look like?

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