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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU because I don't want to pay for Partners exmil's shopping all the time?!

228 replies

Collywobbler · 03/08/2016 11:00

My partner and I have been together for 4 years, I met him 3 years after he divorced and he has a child with his exw.

EXW and exMIL slagged me off profusely when we got together for no other reason than they both thought at one point my partner and his ex would get back together. I saw the text messages that were sent to my partner and exmil said along the lines of "shes so ugly I can't believe you've lowered your standards etc" so I have never been a fan of either of them from the start!

Anyway fast forward a few years and whilst they've both stopped slagging me off I still don't want anything to do with them although I never say anything bad about them infront of his dc.

When my partner has his DC we tend to try to do something in the evening like go shopping etc. We were out a few weeks ago and I popped into a clothes shop and picked up a few things. Whilst we were in there exmil phoned to speak to her GC and asked where we were, when she found out we were in this particular clothes shop she asked if we could get her several pairs of socks - totalling around £10 I think it was. As I went to pay for my clothes I was handed the socks and expected to pay for them with mine..

Bit miffed but assumed I would be reimbursed but never was, she apparently never asked who she owed the money to or how much it was..

Second time we were food shopping and she called and asked to pick up x y z and again I ended up paying for it because I was paying for my shopping also and again no reimbursement.

Happened again last night we were out in a particular shop and was asked to pick up things that totalled to around £40. Got to the checkout and I said to partner "that till is free if you'd like to pay for your exmil's items" he looked at me as if I had three heads and said "don't be so tight, just put it through with your stuff!"

I avoided responding because I didn't want to cause a scene infront of his DC but I'm getting pretty fed up of this now I don't see why I should keep paying for things for someone I don't even like especially as I never get reimbursed for it!

I haven't brought it up with partner yet as his DC is still with him but before I do - aibu to say I'm not paying for her stuff anymore especially as its coming out of my pocket??

Exmil isn't ill or disabled preventing her from getting to shops and she earns around 4 times my salary.Sometimes I struggle to make ends meet at the end of the month and these extra purchases every other week are not helping!

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 03/08/2016 13:23

Also - does the ex know about all this? if she and her DM have been so nasty about you in the past, how would she feel to know her DM's asking you for favours?

And how has the shopping been getting to the MIL? Is she collecting it or is your DP delivering it?

gamerchick · 03/08/2016 13:23

Man OP I really want to rattle you Grin

Practise saying no from now on and when you get the chance today tell him you want the 40 quid back and you're not subbing his ex family anymore.

Dontyoulovecalpol · 03/08/2016 13:26

I am now wondering if I'm the weird one as I don't think this is that weird. It goes without saying you shouldn't be paying for it OP but lots of people do cheeky stuff like this because it seems normal to them. I used to have a friend who, if you were doing to the cash point on a night out would say "can you take out £30 for me? I'll pay you back tomorrow" and never would Angry I'd just assume ex MIL is one of those people, refuse to pay for any more and leave it up to your partner to sort

Arborea · 03/08/2016 13:36

What would ex MIL say if you asked her to get you some shopping and didn't pay her back? I can't imagine she'd swallow it up as no big deal.

Why should you be any different?

Werkz · 03/08/2016 13:39

Why on earth would any reasonable person expect you to pay for goods for their ex mil, someone you don't know and share no familial connection?

You don't even live with this dp so there's no combined finances/marriage angle. It's like me walking up to you in M&S saying "ere, luv, buy me these socks, will ya?"

It's bizarre to expect you to pay for this stuff. And £40 is quite a lot of money; it's the same amount as my monthly electric bill.

fuzzywuzzy · 03/08/2016 13:43

Get the money off your partner, he is the problem not his XMIL.

Tell him he can pay you back now and settle up with his XMIL at is own convenience. It's a lot of money you've been blackmailed into spending. And don't pay for things out of embarrassment or for the sake of not making a scene in front of his DC, just simply state oh I only have enough for my shopping, you go ahead and pay.

Your DP sounds like the tight arse.

SandyPantz · 03/08/2016 13:44

I wonder if your partner IS being reimbursed but not telling you OP and just pocketing it?

I used to be child minded by a couple who my mother paid (cash to the wife), the wife told her husband she was doing us a favour and pocketed the money and didn't tell him it was coming into the household. The father is horrible to me now that I'm an adult and asks DH for freebies (work in similar trade), quoting that we "owe" them for all the favours they did us when I was a child. It was never favours we paid, his wife just didn't tell him! I did tell him that we paid but his wife twisted it and now he thinks I mean the christmas gifts etc (which were just a "tip", not the main weekly payment).

SandyPantz · 03/08/2016 13:47

it's never been a problem up to now because his DC has never asked for anything and he just enjoys coming - I don't really see why that is so odd?

It's not, my kids like coming shopping and we don't buy them stuff either, but we do usually stop off at a cafe which they like.

MrsHathaway · 03/08/2016 13:50

I think it's quite sweet that DP thinks you just pick up shopping for people and don't quibble about the cost.

But that's on the assumption that when you need a random pint of milk, loaf of bread or bottle of wine, he picks it up on his way to yours and doesn't ask to be reimbursed.

Somehow I am not getting the feeling that that's what's going on.

If you are not living together then I find it a bit odd that the DSC spends the contact time with both of you - it would seem ideal for DSS to kick a ball round (or Pokemon GO or needlework or whatever) with his dad while you do your shopping, surely?

I agree that this is the best solution:

It's ok to teach children what is reasonable. If they say 'gran wants x' say 'ok, did she give you money for it?' then when they say 'no' say 'well I can't afford it so she'll have to get it herself'.

SandyPantz · 03/08/2016 13:52

If you are not living together then I find it a bit odd that the DSC spends the contact time with both of you - it would seem ideal for DSS to kick a ball round (or Pokemon GO or needlework or whatever) with his dad while you do your shopping, surely?

Doing ordinary family things together is still valuable contact!
It doesn't have to be all fishing trips and kick abouts!
It's absolutely fine for kids to do ordinary things with their parent during contact time. They're still together.

KittensandKnitting · 03/08/2016 13:56

The DC in this case sounds like he likes going shopping with the OP and his dad, maybe he likes her company too, maybe he likes the trip, maybe he likes shopping halls - but it's quite ok for kids to do normal things with their NRP, I would think it possibly makes for a better dynamic doing "normal" stuff as well as fun stuff.

But really can't get to grips with buying the exMIL socks...

Original poster
Collywobbler · 03/08/2016 13:57

MrsHathaway - no he isn't like that, he just wants to do what we are doing - he has a computer game which he likes to play every now and again but he will never just go off to his room and do something alone he wants to be around us all the time. Whether that's right or wrong isn't really my business though as I cant really tell DP how to bring up his child...

If I say I am not coming over one evening when DP has him because im meeting friends etc then he gets really quite upset and it makes me feel so guilty but at the end of the day we do all need our own space and its not like im going somewhere that he could come with me.

There are reasons why we don't live together right now but that's not really relevant for this thread but they aren't bad reasons at all, its just what suits us at the moment.

OP posts:
Dutchcourage · 03/08/2016 14:01

i have never paid for anything for his DC whilst we are out, he never asks for anything

No it's just his bloody granny who called you ugly!

So you go shopping for your stuff that has nothing to do with your partner or his DC and he expects you to add on stuff for his exmil who calls you names and doesn't pay you back? Confused

Your being too nice a mug

CalleighDoodle · 03/08/2016 14:06

sandypantz the man you are describing sounds like an arsehole. It isnt your responsibility to reimburse him at all. I bet the wife was hiding the money because he was financially abusive.

op i agree you have a partner problem. Today say to him that you need to get x,y,z this week so can you have the £50 he owes you for the exmil crap back by friday? Thank you.

zzzzz · 03/08/2016 14:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mitzimaybe · 03/08/2016 14:06

YANBU at all. Tell DP you won't do it any more and you want reimbursing for the £50+ it has cost you so far. If he says you're being tight, tell him yes, money IS tight for you and that's why you need it paying back.

2rebecca · 03/08/2016 14:12

Who makes you feel guilty? The son or the father? I wouldn't stay with any man who made me feel guilty for wanting to do my own thing sometimes especially when we aren't living together. he sounds controlling, especially with calling you tight for wanting him to pay for exMIL's stuff if he wants her to have it.
The son shouldn't be involved in discussions of what you do with your time.
If you want to go shopping go before you plan to visit your partner. Insist the phone is on silent on future shopping trips. Get a bit of control over the situation.

LilacInn · 03/08/2016 14:15

What the fuck.

A) the mother-in-law does not need to speak to the children every evening when they are with their father. He needs to stop answering the phone.

B) Why did you back down when you pointed out the other free till? When he said put it through with your items, why did you not say "No, because I'm never reimbursed and I have better things to do with my spare cash than buy your exMIL's sundries." For fuck's sake.

C) As pp said, send her a bill.

D) from now on, deflect requests by saying "Sorry, can't do that." Do not justify, explain, defend or apologize. Just don't do it.

Stand up for yourself. And I'd seriously wonder about your boyfriend's remark that you are "tight" not to want to pay for his ex-in-law's shopping. That's just bizarre.

SandyPantz · 03/08/2016 14:15

sandypantz the man you are describing sounds like an arsehole. It isnt your responsibility to reimburse him at all. I bet the wife was hiding the money because he was financially abusive.

I spent a lot of time in their home, trust me she also spent most of his money as well as having her own which she was free to spend, and spend it she did! (she was also employed, she minded me after school ever day).

I was there A LOT, for meal time every evening, also they ferried me to extra curricular stuff. If I was him and I was told it was a favour I'ld grow resentful too!

If there was financial abuse in that house, she was financially abusing him! i can work that way too!

TattyCat · 03/08/2016 14:17

I strongly suspect that exMIL is paying for her stuff. Only she's giving it to your DP and he's pocketing it. Sorry - I just can't imagine anyone asking constantly for stuff and then not paying for it. I think your DP is taking you for a bit of a ride here I'm afraid.

Original poster
Collywobbler · 03/08/2016 14:19

I'm now going over the conversation I am going to have in my head with him!

I think I am going to say that in future if she wants anything a) your problem if you say yes to it even if she asks his DC he still has the power to say hes not going to pick it up and b) if he decides he wants to be her lacky then he can pay for it himself and please don't put me in the awkward position of having to say I don't want to pay for things infront of his DC again because I wont be doing it.

does that sound fair?

OP posts:
SandyPantz · 03/08/2016 14:24

OP ask him outright "how much of the shopping money has exMIL paid back so far?"

Put him on the spot. If he says none, then ask for her number, say it's the start of the month and you've had a lot of bills go out and you need to text her your paypal, mention breezily that if she has your paypal it'll make paying you back easier for her than having to go via EW&DPto you

If he gets angry at that suggestion, I'ld worry that he doesn't want you asking exMIL directly because then exMIL could tell you that she's already paid!

TattyCat · 03/08/2016 14:25

More than fair, Op. And make sure you stick to it, even if he asks in front of DSC. A firm 'I can't' should be enough.

2rebecca · 03/08/2016 14:26

Yes, and also decide that it's up to you how you spend your time, not him.

TattyCat · 03/08/2016 14:27

Oh, and Op? If he gets grumpy and argumentative about your refusal then there's something very wrong.

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