AIBU because I don't want to pay for Partners exmil's shopping all the time?!

[Collywobbler]

My partner and I have been together for 4 years, I met him 3 years after he divorced and he has a child with his exw.

EXW and exMIL slagged me off profusely when we got together for no other reason than they both thought at one point my partner and his ex would get back together. I saw the text messages that were sent to my partner and exmil said along the lines of "shes so ugly I can't believe you've lowered your standards etc" so I have never been a fan of either of them from the start!

Anyway fast forward a few years and whilst they've both stopped slagging me off I still don't want anything to do with them although I never say anything bad about them infront of his dc.

When my partner has his DC we tend to try to do something in the evening like go shopping etc. We were out a few weeks ago and I popped into a clothes shop and picked up a few things. Whilst we were in there exmil phoned to speak to her GC and asked where we were, when she found out we were in this particular clothes shop she asked if we could get her several pairs of socks - totalling around £10 I think it was. As I went to pay for my clothes I was handed the socks and expected to pay for them with mine..

Bit miffed but assumed I would be reimbursed but never was, she apparently never asked who she owed the money to or how much it was..

Second time we were food shopping and she called and asked to pick up x y z and again I ended up paying for it because I was paying for my shopping also and again no reimbursement.

Happened again last night we were out in a particular shop and was asked to pick up things that totalled to around £40. Got to the checkout and I said to partner "that till is free if you'd like to pay for your exmil's items" he looked at me as if I had three heads and said "don't be so tight, just put it through with your stuff!"

I avoided responding because I didn't want to cause a scene infront of his DC but I'm getting pretty fed up of this now I don't see why I should keep paying for things for someone I don't even like especially as I never get reimbursed for it!

I haven't brought it up with partner yet as his DC is still with him but before I do - aibu to say I'm not paying for her stuff anymore especially as its coming out of my pocket??

Exmil isn't ill or disabled preventing her from getting to shops and she earns around 4 times my salary.Sometimes I struggle to make ends meet at the end of the month and these extra purchases every other week are not helping!

Hmmmm, he still called you "tight" didn't he? I would not be impressed.

He really needs to stop pandering to ex mil. Not answering her phone calls would be a start. I have never heard of an ex mil badgering the DC on a daily basis like this - it's bizarre.

Kittens he is a lovely little boy he goes out of his way to do things for me if he can. If I cook tea he always says thank you very much as soon as the plate is in front of him and says "daddy say thank you to collywobbler for making this for us" and just generally loves having me around and I love being around too.

Perhaps that's why exmil phones all the time because he's lovely and I guess she likes hearing from him every day? I didn't have that relationship with my grandparents as they lived so far away so I've just assumed because she lives in close proximity and she has been in his life every single day from a baby that it's just normal for them to still be in contact every day.

But she does come out with some bonkers things sometimes like the suggestion of giving his ex wife money so she can have all her friends over for one and obviously thinking it's normal for people to go do her shopping for her.

I definitely won't be doing it again I've told dp if she does ring again and we are out I won't be paying for anything whatsoever no exceptions and neither should he.

I still don't see why if you are out he doesn't put the phone on silent. Maybe it's an age thing but I think answering the phone for routine chats when out is rude and see chatty phone calls as an in the house when you are relaxed thing. My mobile phone is nearly always on vibrate.

Thinking about it I also think it is strange that the ex MIL calls every day. Does your DP calls his son everyday when he his with his exwife?
I wonder if it is a bit of a controlling/attention seeking thing. From the other stuff you said, re asking to be bought stuff without even thinking about paying back and asking for money for her daughter's party, she sounds like she might be narcissistic/have narcissistic tendancies. In any case, I think you are right to stay well away.

I've just assumed because she lives in close proximity and she has been in his life every single day from a baby that it's just normal for them to still be in contact every day
I can see why you have assumed that but to be honest personally I think it is weird and almost like she is doing it to rile you.

Your DP sounds charming, and no more or less of a user than his ex MIL. I don't get why you go shopping all the time with the kid. I find it so depressing when people constantly take kids out to nowhere but shops... Sad state of affairs to be actively raising a non-stop consumer. The fact that you've paid on various occasions is mind boggling. You're not even living with him either?! He's taking you go a mug. He shouldn't even be communicating with her either!

Could the ex and/or the exMIL be in debt? Lived the high life on credit for a bit too long and now whatever source of borrowing they have been using has run out, but are still trying to maintain the lifestyle that they are used to - fancy dinner parties etc?

"I can't quite work out why if exmil has such a highly paid job she is suddenly saying she can't afford to give her daughter money or pay me back."
Is the highly paid job maybe on a par with new computers and puppies - something that is talked about but is actually an illusion? (That is so cruel to her son, to constantly raise his hopes like that .)

mygorgeousmilo - I've explained further up with regards to the shopping. Its not all the time I go once maybe twice a week but he always wants to come with me.

Barbara - you could be onto something there, the baliffs were after the exw about 2 years ago dude to CC debt and her mother had to bail her out so yes maybe the mil has been demoted/taken another lower paid job but both mother and daughter are continuing to lead the old lifestyle.

I still cant quite believe she asked DP for money to fund a party. EXw was aware of the situation as she said she didn't want to ask herself, so just got her mum to ask instead then!

Whereyouleftit - no I think the earnings was true at one point as she had a very lavish lifestyle for many years, lovely big house etc something you couldn't fund entirely on a credit card.
But it is sad that the exw keeps promising him things - he has gone into school telling his friends his mum had promised him the latest and greatest phone (im talking one of the ones that cost upwards of £500) and his friends have teased him saying he's lying so obviously the dc has said he will prove them all wrong by bringing it in the next week to show them - that was 3 months ago, phone never materialised and he got teased and mocked about it for weeks :-(

Wtaf!

The kid sounds lovely bless him but your do needs to grow a pair and stop doing his mils weekly shop and getting you to pay for it! Please pleeeeease learn to say no op!

To the poster whos asking why he's still in contact, my dps ex was quite close to his mum and dad, she used to go on days out with them and meals and go to their house for tea (dp and me were never invited!) but that soon stopped when she found out he was seeing me and she twatted him round the face in front of pils house. Before that though I have no doubt she would have bought her ex mil socks or shopping, and vice versa! I did find it a bit odd though at the time.

Unbelievable!

*She did say something else which left me a bit WTF! but maybe that's best for another thread

Em...no way man. You have to tell us.* Priceless

Omg op, at that last post. It's not good for the dc mental stability.

YANBU. Just the bits you have posted she owes you over £50. I'd talk to your DP and ask if she's paid for them. If you pool you money then that would be fine by me but if your money is separate thend he should have given it to you. If she hasn't paid you back the DPD needs to speak to her or exw.

I feel sorry for your, my partner's email is wonderful and even made me feel like extended family.
But to the matter at hand, flatly refuse to pay and sneakily block her number on your partner's phone. Sadly this is the kind of thing that may come to a head. I've seen relationships break down over lesser things. Explain to him that you and her do not like each other so you won't be paying for her shopping.
Would he buy things for someone who is technically his enemy? No, probably not. And if it gets really bad then his loyalty sadly doesn't lay with you and so you shouldn't lay with him

This is weird. Has your DP got money problems you dont know about? Could he owe the ex MIL money so its her way of getting something back? Do you always pay? There is more to this x

If she asks again simply say you don't mind getting items for her but how about if you give her your sort code and account number and then she can transfer the money she owes you and reimburse you for the goods when she gets them; point out that she already owes you £xxxx for shopping you have bought on her behalf over the past xx weeks.
If she gets cross about that I would say , very politely, that unfortunately you can't subsidise her any longer. That is all true, polite, and if she can't handle it then you don't want to be shopping for her any more.

She is so damn cheeky. In future refuse to spend a penny on her.

Stand your ground, say no, and make your husband deal with it.

Hi OP, next time you go to the shop can you pick me up £60 worth of groceries? Tah very much

Sorry but me; a complete stranger, asking you to do that is brass necked utter piss taking right? Well that's what the exMIL is to you, a total fucking stranger so why on earth would you do it for her? They've seen you coming a mile off, but the biggest villain of the piece is your BF who is taking advantage of you massively by guilting you in to forking out for the old bitch, knowing that she's insulted you in the past, he's the one who is tight not you! Please put a stop to it now!

Collywobbler, have you chatted to the little boy and suggested he doesn't tell his friends what his mum has promised him to save any chance they can tease him if she doesn't buy it for him? He sound adorable and totally neglected and almost abused by his mother .

Poor lad. What a difficult life he seems to lead with his DM. At least he has got you who obviously cares a great deal for him. And, tbf, his DGM and DF.

But this set up is bonkers.

Next you'll be telling us that you've been invited to the dinner party but asked to wear black trousers and a smart white blouse. And would you mind coming in the back door. And carry this tray please. And make sure everyone's glasses are filled at all times. And be careful when you're washing the best crystal.

Poor boy. He's already learnt not to want anything, as he'll not get it. That's not a criticism of you, it's of his horrible mum.

Even so, don't get dragged into paying for things atm.

I don't suppose I need to say it, but he needs an adult who keeps promises, so if you do make him one make sure you keep it, and keep his dad up to scratch that way too. It's so sad.

It's unreasonable that she has never reimbursed you, have you asked her to? Not that you should have to bit if it were me I'd simply say 'that came to £X' when handing it over and expect the money to be handed over.

Why is dc having to come along on your mundane shopping trips most visits? Why not do something they might actually enjoy? Bonus side effect - you can't be asked for shopping if you're not in a shop.

Not sure why she is calling, maybe she is involved in handovers? Maybe after the first time she thought she'd take advantage of the free delivery service?!

This behaviour is odd and rude. But please don't hold a grudge over a woman who is still in love with her ex texting him about standards. It wasn't personal, it was her pin talking.

The money was definitely for a dinner party? or to pay off debt?