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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU because I don't want to pay for Partners exmil's shopping all the time?!

228 replies

Collywobbler · 03/08/2016 11:00

My partner and I have been together for 4 years, I met him 3 years after he divorced and he has a child with his exw.

EXW and exMIL slagged me off profusely when we got together for no other reason than they both thought at one point my partner and his ex would get back together. I saw the text messages that were sent to my partner and exmil said along the lines of "shes so ugly I can't believe you've lowered your standards etc" so I have never been a fan of either of them from the start!

Anyway fast forward a few years and whilst they've both stopped slagging me off I still don't want anything to do with them although I never say anything bad about them infront of his dc.

When my partner has his DC we tend to try to do something in the evening like go shopping etc. We were out a few weeks ago and I popped into a clothes shop and picked up a few things. Whilst we were in there exmil phoned to speak to her GC and asked where we were, when she found out we were in this particular clothes shop she asked if we could get her several pairs of socks - totalling around £10 I think it was. As I went to pay for my clothes I was handed the socks and expected to pay for them with mine..

Bit miffed but assumed I would be reimbursed but never was, she apparently never asked who she owed the money to or how much it was..

Second time we were food shopping and she called and asked to pick up x y z and again I ended up paying for it because I was paying for my shopping also and again no reimbursement.

Happened again last night we were out in a particular shop and was asked to pick up things that totalled to around £40. Got to the checkout and I said to partner "that till is free if you'd like to pay for your exmil's items" he looked at me as if I had three heads and said "don't be so tight, just put it through with your stuff!"

I avoided responding because I didn't want to cause a scene infront of his DC but I'm getting pretty fed up of this now I don't see why I should keep paying for things for someone I don't even like especially as I never get reimbursed for it!

I haven't brought it up with partner yet as his DC is still with him but before I do - aibu to say I'm not paying for her stuff anymore especially as its coming out of my pocket??

Exmil isn't ill or disabled preventing her from getting to shops and she earns around 4 times my salary.Sometimes I struggle to make ends meet at the end of the month and these extra purchases every other week are not helping!

OP posts:

Jelliebabe1 · 03/08/2016 11:23

Next time let the cashier ring it all through with this then do the old "oh no! I've mislaid my card! Must be at home/last shop/dropped, you get this for me". And then when he asks for the money go "don't be tight". If you're on a day out you can mysteriously find your card in your bag later 😂

Your welcome!

DinosaursRoar · 03/08/2016 11:25

another "you have a DP problem" he should give you the money back you have spent on exMILs stuff, try asking "Has ex-MIL given you back the £40 for the stuff we bought for her? I paid so can I have that back when please." If he says she hasn't, ask him to give you the money back and he can just keep it when she pays up, then ask him why he thinks you should be the one out of pocket when he agreed to buy the stuff?

And why are you taking the children shopping when they aren't with you all the time?

Refuse to go shopping with them, let your DP go alone with the DCs if he wants to take them shopping instead of doing something fun or if you need to go shopping for stuff for you, just go without him, big smile and "oh no, you and DSC do something more fun!"

Basically, he's taking credit for being generous, but with your money. That's not a nice or desirable trait.

toptoe · 03/08/2016 11:26

billsykes may be on to something there. Do you pay out for most things op? Is he reliant on you to buy all the stuff whilst he's perpetually skint?

Original poster

Collywobbler · 03/08/2016 11:27

lol Pearlman that's exactly what I want to say!

well the exw will ring every evening and then the exmil will ring the same evening separately (on the evenings that partner has his dc) to speak to the DC.

OP posts:

Careforadrink · 03/08/2016 11:28

Stop being a mug.

You have a big problem with him not her.

Just refuse it's not difficult

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 03/08/2016 11:30

You don't have an ex-MIL problem.

You have a boyfriend problem.

shopaholic999 · 03/08/2016 11:30

Bit of a coincidence that she rings EVERYTIME you are shopping!! I would flat out refuse and can't believe she's been allowed to do it 3 times!!

talesofthevillage · 03/08/2016 11:30

No is a complete sentence.

trafalgargal · 03/08/2016 11:30

"Don't be silly Darling l'm sure wouldn't be comfortable with me buying the kids stuff when she's trying to get you to pay for it"

Stormtreader · 03/08/2016 11:32

" he looked at me as if I had three heads and said "don't be so tight, just put it through with your stuff!"

And that is the point I would have laughed in his face.

"Oh yes, I'd love the chance to pay for her shopping! Go on, off you go to that till, we'll meet up again over there"

jellycat1 · 03/08/2016 11:33

Absolutely astonishing! Once would be enough for me but it sounds like she's doing it repeatedly on purpose. Your partner is being U.

bumsexatthebingo · 03/08/2016 11:34

I think it's sneaky of her to ask the gdc because then you look like the bad guy for saying no. I would just pay for your shopping in cash and tell the dc that you're sorry but you haven't got enough to get X until she gets fed up of asking.
Or could you do your shopping another time/online? Can't be the most fun way for the kids to spend time with their dad. I agree your dp is the one being tight getting you to pay but neither of you should be paying for someone else's shopping and I can't believe she's got the cheek to ask for expensive things and not pay you back - whoever she thinks is paying.

LoreleiGilmoreIsMyBFF · 03/08/2016 11:34

Whaaaaattttt?! Either she pays or he pays (although as she is his ex MIL, I'm not entirely sure why he has to buy her anything). YOU do not pay! Ever again!

Fontella · 03/08/2016 11:35

Don't wait until it happens again.

Talk to him about it NOW and tell him straight, that if it ever happens again you won't be paying and if he wants to pay for his ex's mother's shopping, he should stick his hand in his own fucking pocket.

All this could be completely avoided if he just didn't answer the phone to her while you are out shopping. If she wants to speak to her grandkids that badly, she will call back soon enough.

Dutchcourage · 03/08/2016 11:36

You bring took for a knob - by your partner.

Msqueen33 · 03/08/2016 11:37

Sod that the cheeky pair. I wouldn't be paying and if he's bothered he can pay or tell her you know to go to the shops herself.

Dutchcourage · 03/08/2016 11:37

When his kids are visiting do you pay for all the food shop And expenses?

Sounds like a cocklodger

LoreleiGilmoreIsMyBFF · 03/08/2016 11:39

Why are they always ringing when the two of you have the DC? Surely MIL gets to talk to them when they are with ex-wife! Serious boundaries need putting in place here.

TuppencePenny · 03/08/2016 11:39

Ring her and ask her to do the same for you to the exact value of what you've bought her. She'll soon stop.

dollyholly123 · 03/08/2016 11:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Collywobbler · 03/08/2016 11:45

bingo - (love the name by the way! ) his DC actually loves going shopping he keeps asking when we can go next! We don't go every single time he has him don't get me wrong but I go shopping once maybe twice a week (because I always forget things!) and I have to go in the evenings and happens to be at the same time she usually rings him.

The supermarket is in the same complex as lots of other shops so his DC often asks if we can go have a look round those shops at the same time. I have said I will go alone but his DC gets upset because he likes going so I'd feel mean saying no I'm going on my own do something else yourselves...

It's not usually a problem during term time because my partner doesn't have his DC every single night so I tend to go on the evenings he doesn't have him, but during the holidays he will have him every single day/night near enough.

The phone is always answered because his DC wants to speak to his GM so cant really stop that.

My partner is self employed so if he needs to go shopping he will usually go in the daytime and take his DC with him (if its the holidays obviously)

OP posts:

TempusEedjit · 03/08/2016 11:46

What's with all the pp saying dad shouldn't be going shopping with the kids during his time? So he should only get to play fun Disney dad with them whilst mum is bad cop because she has to get on with the boring stuff real life whilst they're with her? Not a great message to send the kids IMO.

2rebecca · 03/08/2016 11:47

I agree that a grandparent needing to speak to her grandchildren every night is OTT especially when the parents are divorced. I'm divorced and my ex's parents never rang the kids when with me, they say their dad very regularly and he then phoned them with the kids.
I would tell him that you don't want his exes parents involved in your life and you don't want to buy any more shopping for other people. If a man described me as tight that would be a major red flag, especially if I was paying for stuff for his kids and ex MIL at the time whilst he had his hands in his pockets.

ReginaBlitz · 03/08/2016 11:47

You are being took for a twat! Tbh why are you always shopping when you have his kids? More fool you anyway if it was me I'd have told them both to fuck right off the first time, this isn't normal, and tbf he should have told her where to go when she called you ugly etc.

KittensandKnitting · 03/08/2016 11:49

They both call on seperate occasions everytime he has the children? I wonder if the MIL calls everynight her daughter has them. Or if they call him quite regularly when your not around.

Sounds a little weird to me, the purchasing shopping even more so.

I'm all for ammicable relations but this seems very OTT to me, especially after three years.

You do have a DP problem I'm afraid he should be saying to them "let me parent" and no I'm not getting your shopping! Who randomly asks someone to get them socks.... He certainly shouldn't be expecting you to foot the bill

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