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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU because I don't want to pay for Partners exmil's shopping all the time?!

228 replies

Collywobbler · 03/08/2016 11:00

My partner and I have been together for 4 years, I met him 3 years after he divorced and he has a child with his exw.

EXW and exMIL slagged me off profusely when we got together for no other reason than they both thought at one point my partner and his ex would get back together. I saw the text messages that were sent to my partner and exmil said along the lines of "shes so ugly I can't believe you've lowered your standards etc" so I have never been a fan of either of them from the start!

Anyway fast forward a few years and whilst they've both stopped slagging me off I still don't want anything to do with them although I never say anything bad about them infront of his dc.

When my partner has his DC we tend to try to do something in the evening like go shopping etc. We were out a few weeks ago and I popped into a clothes shop and picked up a few things. Whilst we were in there exmil phoned to speak to her GC and asked where we were, when she found out we were in this particular clothes shop she asked if we could get her several pairs of socks - totalling around £10 I think it was. As I went to pay for my clothes I was handed the socks and expected to pay for them with mine..

Bit miffed but assumed I would be reimbursed but never was, she apparently never asked who she owed the money to or how much it was..

Second time we were food shopping and she called and asked to pick up x y z and again I ended up paying for it because I was paying for my shopping also and again no reimbursement.

Happened again last night we were out in a particular shop and was asked to pick up things that totalled to around £40. Got to the checkout and I said to partner "that till is free if you'd like to pay for your exmil's items" he looked at me as if I had three heads and said "don't be so tight, just put it through with your stuff!"

I avoided responding because I didn't want to cause a scene infront of his DC but I'm getting pretty fed up of this now I don't see why I should keep paying for things for someone I don't even like especially as I never get reimbursed for it!

I haven't brought it up with partner yet as his DC is still with him but before I do - aibu to say I'm not paying for her stuff anymore especially as its coming out of my pocket??

Exmil isn't ill or disabled preventing her from getting to shops and she earns around 4 times my salary.Sometimes I struggle to make ends meet at the end of the month and these extra purchases every other week are not helping!

OP posts:
P1nkP0ppy · 03/08/2016 12:44

Stuff that!
Your DP's taking the proverbial and his exMIL is taking advantage.
Tell him no and her to do her own shopping.

TheDevilMadeMeDoIt · 03/08/2016 12:44

Is there a back story here? Does the ExW have form for withholding access and he's afraid that if he stands up to them/up for you the visits will stop?

Can he afford to foot the bill? (I know you can't either.)

Is he this tight with money in other areas, do you pay for everything in the relationship?

Whatever's going on you need to stop paying, but it might be worth trying to pinpoint what's behind it before you tackle it so that you go in to the discussion prepared for what you get back.

Original poster
Collywobbler · 03/08/2016 12:44

I promise it's not a wind up!

I won't be doing it again that's for sure - I half expected some people to tell me I was being tight and unreasonable if I'm honest so before I have this conversation with DP later which I will definitely be having I just wanted to make sure I am definitely NBU.

I've never really thought about the relationship with exmil - she has always called her GC on the evenings partner has him, I just assumed it was normal!

OP posts:
sherbetpips · 03/08/2016 12:44

sorry didn't read the end properly - answer to partner - I am not tight I cant afford it - stand up for yourself

liletsthepink · 03/08/2016 12:50

What would happen if you say to DP 'paying for MIL's stuff has left me short this month, can you pay me back please?'

Next time just say no, I'm not paying for your ex MIL.

Ask your DP if he's prepared to pay for your ex's shopping!

ImperialBlether · 03/08/2016 12:56

OP, is the reason your partner's son wants to go shopping with you because you'll always buy him something?

Also, does your partner pay his way normally? What about rent, bills and food? Does he pay more for his children?

SestraClone · 03/08/2016 12:57

Everything about this is weird. Can't get my head around any of it, so can't think of any advice, sorry!

SurlyValentine · 03/08/2016 12:59

"I've never really thought about the relationship with exmil - she has always called her GC on the evenings partner has him, I just assumed it was normal!"

My DP has his DCs for 48 hours every other weekend, and one weeknight. In the four years we have lived together (plus the two years we were together before that) I have never, ever known his exMIL call him to speak to the children when they are with us. Just FYI Smile

Creampastry · 03/08/2016 13:01

Sorry but you are bring a complete mug and doormat and they are laughing at your stupidity and gullibility.

Mymouthgetsmeintrouble · 03/08/2016 13:02

Yanbu just say no

zofranks · 03/08/2016 13:03

weird, very weird, end it now, tell them no more & ask DP to pay you back what is owed, if he won't then contact them yourself and ask for the money. Make it clear that no more help will be given & don't go shopping with both of them again, if you go shopping go alone & switch your phone off.

odd though - almost think that there is something else going on - this isn't normal behaviour for exes - especially ex mils

jay55 · 03/08/2016 13:04

Tell your partner you need the money back today as you have bills to pay.

Do you share all money usually? I'm not broke but I wouldn't loan a friend £40 for non essentials.

Original poster
Collywobbler · 03/08/2016 13:05

DP and I don't live together so he pays his own rent, food, utility etc. I don't pay for his shopping unless he asks me to pick something up for him if I have gone shopping alone but it will be the odd loaf of bread, pint of milk never a shopping list worth or anything.

I have never paid for anything for his DC whilst we are out, he never asks for anything.

OP posts:
SaucyJack · 03/08/2016 13:09

"I've never really thought about the relationship with exmil - she has always called her GC on the evenings partner has him, I just assumed it was normal!"

I think it's normal too- depending on how amicable the break up was. My ex-MIL quite often rings me up to speak to the kids or arrange visits. It's one of those things that's only a problem if anybody feels the urge to make it one.

It's the shopping that's the issue. Don't get sidetracked by your DP allowing his children to speak to their Nan on his time and phoneline.

hotdiggedy · 03/08/2016 13:11

No chance. Maybe stop going shopping when the children are over and tell him to give you all the money back. What a joke. I am the kind of person who probably would do the same in your situation so as not to make an issue but the fact that you spoke to him and he couldn't see what the problem is gives me the rage!

ghostyslovesheep · 03/08/2016 13:13

I think your 'DP' is the issue

How do you know what they said about you? because he showed you the text - how nice and stiry of him

Then he's happy for you to buy things and doesn't even offer to pay or offer the money?

He has his DC but expects YOU to take them round the shops?

His MIL is the least of your problems

Creampastry · 03/08/2016 13:14

Next time you go shopping with dp, add nice stuff to trolley and make him pay. Pretend to forget your card and see what he says.... Aim for about £60!

DinosaursRoar · 03/08/2016 13:16

Back again to where you say you are always going shopping with DSC, why are you all going when you don't live together?! This is all odd.

CalmItKermitt · 03/08/2016 13:16

Sorry this is hilarious! I refuse to believe anyone could be such a mug, nor that anyone could have such a brass neck as your "D"P!! 😄😄😄

Original poster
Collywobbler · 03/08/2016 13:20

We all go together because when I say im going shopping his dc will ask if he can come - it's never been a problem up to now because his DC has never asked for anything and he just enjoys coming - I don't really see why that is so odd?

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 03/08/2016 13:20

I'm so confused. If you don't live together, where are you, your DP and the DC when you say you're going shopping and he insists you all go together?

The ex-MIL phoning every night during your DP's time with the DC is absolutely batshit. If it can't be stopped as PP have said, phones on silent so then if the DC want to speak to her your DP can call her at a convenient time.

But it's all sounding even more confusing if you don't live together!

timeisnotaline · 03/08/2016 13:20

Off topic but the Dc sounds quite sweet if he just enjoys wandering around a supermarket :)

blondieblondie · 03/08/2016 13:21

This is nuts. I thought you posted this in AIBU just as a way of having a rant (perfectly understandable), but you are genuinely questioning if you are at fault. How can you possibly think that? You don't even live together! It's not like you'll get the money back in another way, money in a joint bank account, sharing other expenses, etc.

I'm baffled.

EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard · 03/08/2016 13:21

Why would you think you're being unreasonable? The answer to your DP's comment about being tight, is that not only are you not tight, but that the woman is nothing whatsoever to do with you. In fact, when she learnt about you she was actually abusive.

Send her a bill for what she owes you if you can't get it back off him and in future, stand up for yourself. Standing your ground doesn't have to be unpleasant, just assertive.

ijustwannadance · 03/08/2016 13:23

It makes it even worse that your DP pays for all his own stuff yet expects you to pay for exmil's. He is taking the piss out of you op. He clearly doesn't want to fund her but it's ok for you to?

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