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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU because I don't want to pay for Partners exmil's shopping all the time?!

228 replies

Collywobbler · 03/08/2016 11:00

My partner and I have been together for 4 years, I met him 3 years after he divorced and he has a child with his exw.

EXW and exMIL slagged me off profusely when we got together for no other reason than they both thought at one point my partner and his ex would get back together. I saw the text messages that were sent to my partner and exmil said along the lines of "shes so ugly I can't believe you've lowered your standards etc" so I have never been a fan of either of them from the start!

Anyway fast forward a few years and whilst they've both stopped slagging me off I still don't want anything to do with them although I never say anything bad about them infront of his dc.

When my partner has his DC we tend to try to do something in the evening like go shopping etc. We were out a few weeks ago and I popped into a clothes shop and picked up a few things. Whilst we were in there exmil phoned to speak to her GC and asked where we were, when she found out we were in this particular clothes shop she asked if we could get her several pairs of socks - totalling around £10 I think it was. As I went to pay for my clothes I was handed the socks and expected to pay for them with mine..

Bit miffed but assumed I would be reimbursed but never was, she apparently never asked who she owed the money to or how much it was..

Second time we were food shopping and she called and asked to pick up x y z and again I ended up paying for it because I was paying for my shopping also and again no reimbursement.

Happened again last night we were out in a particular shop and was asked to pick up things that totalled to around £40. Got to the checkout and I said to partner "that till is free if you'd like to pay for your exmil's items" he looked at me as if I had three heads and said "don't be so tight, just put it through with your stuff!"

I avoided responding because I didn't want to cause a scene infront of his DC but I'm getting pretty fed up of this now I don't see why I should keep paying for things for someone I don't even like especially as I never get reimbursed for it!

I haven't brought it up with partner yet as his DC is still with him but before I do - aibu to say I'm not paying for her stuff anymore especially as its coming out of my pocket??

Exmil isn't ill or disabled preventing her from getting to shops and she earns around 4 times my salary.Sometimes I struggle to make ends meet at the end of the month and these extra purchases every other week are not helping!

OP posts:
smilingeyes11 · 03/08/2016 11:49

why are you letting this 'man' and his ex mil rip you off. What kind of relationships have you endured in the past that makes you believe you should tolerate this. I am astounded that you are letting this go on?

2rebecca · 03/08/2016 11:49

Your partner could put his phone on silent if you are out. The kids then don't know it is ringing.

LagunaBubbles · 03/08/2016 11:50

I cant believe you are paying and putting up with this! Whats your relationship with your partner like?

LoreleiGilmoreIsMyBFF · 03/08/2016 11:51

OP, you are being far too nice to people who have treated you very badly in the past. You sound lovely, but I think you need to have a serious chat with DP as this could escalate into all kinds of other 'favours' being expected.

Dutchcourage · 03/08/2016 11:53

The phone is always answered because his DC wants to speak to his GM so cant really stop that

Actually if his phone is on silent he can call the grandparents back at a more convienent time.

Do you buy all the food shop when his kids are there?

I can't get my head around him thinking is ok for you to buy shit for some one that's been vile to you in private messages. I don't think he respects you at all.

GloriousGoosebumps · 03/08/2016 11:55

If you really can't bring yourself to say no in front of his child then you'll always end up paying. Perhaps you could accidentally leave your credit card at home thus forcing him to pay although be prepared for him to dive into your purse to check that you really don't have your cards with you!

UnexpectedBaggage · 03/08/2016 11:59

Just say no next time - until you have been paid for the other stuff no more shopping. They are taking the piss.

2rebecca · 03/08/2016 12:01

Why do kids love shopping unless they are being bought stuff? I would stop shopping with kids. If their dad thinks it's a fun way to spend time he can take them.

quencher · 03/08/2016 12:09

Amazing how the prices are going up. Before you know it will be £100. Testing your boundaries and how far you can go. Don't be a mug.

The whole relationship comes across a bit OTT and piss taking.

Op, are your paying for the kids shopping too and not your dp?

trafalgargal · 03/08/2016 12:12

It's a complex so when she rings leave them to chat to Granny whilst you wander off (either to pay for your stuff or to a different shop entirely )

As they both love the shops so much I'd send them off solo as you have stuff to do and they can pick up x & y for you whilst they are out. (I'd also get better organised with online shopping so you don't have a need to go shopping). I don't quite understand why it needs you both to go to the shops. If DC wants to go he can go with one of you it doesn't need both (and keeps you separated from DPs phone whilst in the shops wth DC)

DinosaursRoar · 03/08/2016 12:14

OK but have you asked your DP for the money back yet?!? Do so today when DSC isn't in the room, if DP says that exMIL hasn't paid him back yet, say "OK, well you give me back the £X and you keep it when she pays up so I don't have to keep nagging you about it." if he refuses, ask him to explain why he thinks you should be the one out of pocket because he can't say no to his exMIL.

Next time it happens (and there will be a next time, and agree it's going up in value!), just say no. Stand there and refuse to pay for it, if he says you are being tight say he can be generous with his own money and not yours, smile but don't back down.

TheCrumpettyTree · 03/08/2016 12:14

I can't understand why you haven't spoken to your DP about this. The DC aren't there all the time, talk to him. Hmm

PageStillNotFound404 · 03/08/2016 12:18

I can only echo word for word what toptoe said:

"It's ok to teach children what is reasonable. If they say 'gran wants x' say 'ok, did she give you money for it?' then when they say 'no' say 'well I can't afford it so she'll have to get it herself'.

If dp calls you stingy, just tell him to buy it with his own money and he can then get reimbursed.

If he kicks up a fuss he's going to look a wally infront of gc becaause you've already explained. Plus you have confirmation he's not really a very nice person."

purplefox · 03/08/2016 12:20

You're being a mug, stand up for yourself.

MeridianB · 03/08/2016 12:21

*"The amount of bizarre events occurring in other folks' lives on here never fails to amaze me but honestly that's right up there.

Your partner berates you for being tight because you won't pay for £40 of stuff for his ex mil that she's just demanded on a random phone call?"*

This

Your partner is living in cuckoo land. Tell him straight it's not happening again. If he think's YABU then take a long hard look at things.

I also agree with PP comments about the volume of calls from GM to DCs in his time - he can and should choose when he answers and/or get the DC to call her back. I would seriously question why you are with him.

RhiWrites · 03/08/2016 12:22

I said to partner "that till is free if you'd like to pay for your exmil's items" he looked at me as if I had three heads and said "don't be so tight, just put it through with your stuff!"

I'd be livid. Tell your partner "I've laid out over £60 for your ex wife's MIL and I don't appreciate you calling me tight when I object to subsiding her. I won't be doing it again until I see that money back."

gillybeanz · 03/08/2016 12:22

This sounds weird to me too. Why would the mil have his number or any contact at all now they have split up.
Why would the dp want contact with an ex mil, something fishy here.
Are you sure they are properly separated OP?

DelphiniumBlue · 03/08/2016 12:25

Are you dropping the shopping round to her as well?

ijustwannadance · 03/08/2016 12:30

I just cannot understand why people can't say no. She asks gc to pick some stuff up. The answer is, sorry gc doesn't have any money so buy your own shit.

If it was me I would make a list of everything you paid for (have you kept receipts?) and tell your DP that you expect your money back by the end of the week off him. It is then his problem getting it back.

Is there a chance she has actually paid but the money never got to your end of the chain? Your DP sounds like a dick and if this isn't stopped now they will all continue to take the piss out of you and take your money.

EweAreHere · 03/08/2016 12:31

The contact is what it is. Maybe it's nice that the child has frequent contact with his GrandP, maybe it isn't. Not the issue here.

If you and DH have separate finances, you should not be made to feel bad for not buying things for the exMIL. You need to speak up. Now. If he wants to keep the peace, let him spend his money doing so. As you said, she makes good money, you have money issues at the ends of some months, he should be the one sorting this out, not you. And he especially shouldn't be insulting you when you ask him to do so. 'Tight'. Really?! 3

ohtheholidays · 03/08/2016 12:32

Door and Mat spring to mind OP and your OH obviously saw that tatooed on your forehead when you got together!

Don't be tight,my answer to that would have been FUCK OFF!!

This thread has got to be a wind up because I can't honestly believe that any grown women would put up with that kind of shit!

Inertia · 03/08/2016 12:34

Well, they'll keep on doing it until you say no to your partner.

It isn't tight to refuse to pay out for £60 worth of items for someone you don't know.You need to stop backing down.

SurlyValentine · 03/08/2016 12:39

WTAF?!?! OP, you need to grow a backbone. Why are you letting your "D"P and his exMIL walk all over you? You do know you're probably now being laughed at by the exW and exMIL, don't you?

Speak to your DP again, be clear that you want your £60 back by the end of the week, and make sure he understands that you will no longer be subsidising his exMIL.

I too was slagged off to high heaven by my DP's exW and her mother when DP and I got together. I wouldn't piss on the pair of them if they were on fire, let alone be buying their bloody shopping!

Shizzlestix · 03/08/2016 12:40

So she phones your DP's phone, presumably speaks to the DP and only when speaking to th gc does she ask for shopping? Cheeky fucker! I know I already said it, but come on! And how does your DP allow you to pay? My DH would laugh his head off at the idea of me paying and would just tell the grandmother no. He must know you're not flush and that she earns 4x what you do. So mad, I'm fuming on your behalf, but I wouldn't have done it the first time, let alone the 2nd or 3rd!

sherbetpips · 03/08/2016 12:43

Surely she just thinks her son is reimbursing you, why haven't you mentioned it?

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