... about the lunch problem?

[kinloss]

I work 10 minutes walk away from where I live.

I used to work short shifts during the middle of the day and my husband knew that immediately when I came back from work, I just wanted 5 minutes with a cup of tea and to be left in peace

I've recently changed my working hours to full days and because of some upheavals at work which have unsettled everyone, I thought that on two particular days each week, it might make sense to come home from lunch in order to get a bit of space from a tricky working atmosphere. My husband who is retired is often at home during the day. I told him really clearly that on these days I'd rather not sit down and have lunch with him, so please would he not wait for me or make anything. I just wanted to grab some toast and a cup of tea to eat quietly on my own. So far there have been 4 days - spread over two weeks - of this new regime.

Day 1. Husband arrives home partway through my lunchbreak I've spent at home and makes a great play of how he's timed this specially to give me space.
Day 2. I nearly buy some chips on my way home. I get back to find my husband has made lunch for us both and is waiting for my return. I feel a) glad I didn't buy the chips b) startled. I decide c) it is a goodwill gesture on his part after a disagreement the previous evening, so eat the lunch without further argument.
Day 3. Husband is out . I had known this was likely and enjoy the peace and quiet.
Day 4 (today). I know he is going to be in all day, and emphasise at breakfast that he does not need to make anything. I am very happy to make my own arrangements. At lunchtime I buy chips and wander home to find he has made lunch, set the tabel and is waiting for me. I say, 'I've been eating chips. I don't want this,' and go into another room. After work today, I go over the whole thing with him. Why has he kept making lunch for me, when I've told him I don't want him to. What I actually need is a break from being with people and talking with him.

He says, 'I want to look after you and I know that you sometimes need a few minutes immediately after you come in. So if you don't want to eat lunch straight away, that's fine.'

I have said that I feel really frustrated that he can't listen to what I want - and told him that it's going to be much less trouble to take a sandwich to work and have my lunch there - or else go to the nearest park/have a walk.

But I feel really upset about not having been listened to and not being given space at home.

Yabu and not very nice imho you should be glad he cares and is pleased to see you

Yabu to be very ungracious.
Yanbu to want some space, stop going home for lunch.

I get u. Its the whole point that he doesn't listen. .my ex knew I only ate Cadbury chocolate and I came home one day to a HUGE bar of galaxy. 'but I thought u might like it' what after 8 years of us being together and only ever eating Cadbury?????????? My secret to a quiet lunch is a take a packed lunch and eat it on a particular garage forecourt in between jobs on my work days!! But I def get your frustration x

Yabu. If I did this, my DH would feel hurt and rejected. Can't you find a quiet spot to have lunch, go to the choppy, sit on a bench, don't go home? I understand you want five minutes' peace, so find a different way of doing lunch, tell him you need a total break where you don't have to speak to anyone.

Your DH, being retired, probably craves company and conversation. You sound a bit controlling, your way or the highway. Where's the consideration for his feelings?

Agree with the others. YABU. Stop going home

Are u being serious? YABU! Is it that much bother to have lunch with your husband! I have a really stressful job and would love to be able to share a lunch break away from office with husband who had taken time to make lunch for me! Poor husband

Is he bored? Could you ask him to plate you up a sandwich instead if he has nothing better to do than to fuss over your lunch?

I don't think YABU in the slightest, but I don't think he is being deliberately unpleasant either. You just are at very different life stages right now, with different needs. His do not trump yours tho.

YANBU, it's lovely that he wants to look after you but if you've clearly said you want to be on your own he should respect that. I suspect he's a bit bored.

My workplace is very hectic stressful and involves a lot of interactions with clients who exhibit challenging behaviour.

I think it can be easier to recover by physically putting myself somewhere else.

It's also really useful for me to be able to have some time when I am really quiet in order to recharge my batteries. I can do this if I have a cup of tea and a sandwich on my own. However, I can't recharge if somebody else wants to ask me questions and tell me all about what he's been doing. That's what I had been attempting to explain to my partner. Not feeling/being listened to can be extremely frustrating!

Another YABU.

I kind of get it. But you still sound like a complete bitch I'm afraid (sorry!)

He sounds bored. But that's not necessarily your problem to solve.

If I were you I would eat lunch at work or out, as everyone else at your workplace must do (unless they all live 10 minutes away as well).

I work a few minutes walk from home and sometimes pop back for lunch. Often I find the debris of teenage fry ups, dishwasher / washing machine needs unloading so I spend half hour doing chores and forget to eat! A retired DH ready to feed me lunch sounds like bliss so YABU.
But, I do quite like the peace and quiet so see where your coming from...

You sound entirely reasonable to me. Why is he faffing around like this? Would drive me mad.

I can understand you want some space but he does live there too, he can hardly be expected to find things to do just because you're popping home for lunch. He's looking forward to seeing you and I think if the roles were reversed everyone would be saying how unreasonable your husband is if he claimed he wanted you out of the way. If you want some peace and space to yourself you might have to have a walk in the park etc rather than going home where you know your retired husband will be.

So you need peace and quiet during your lunch break. That's understandable.

Just think though... What does your DH need? I suspect being retired, he needs company and to feel useful for that short period of time when you come back. Just because he's not being as vocal as you, it doesn't mean it's not important to him.

You moan that he doesn't listen to you, but you aren't "listening" to what he is trying to tell you either. Poor bloke.

I work with 30 small people every day and literally do not get a second to myself, but I still come home and enjoy DHs company. YABU. Find other times to get your space. (5 min loo break?)

I don't quite see how he can be "looking forward to seeing her" when she's only been out for a few hours.

I agree YABU. It is your husband's home too. You sound like you don't think he should be there. A lunch with friends/family is a break from work. if you want to be alone, go for a walk, don't go home and be horrible.

kinloss I understand you. I also sometimes literally need 5 mins on my own, but my perfect husband understands that.

Wish you luck

Is there a big age difference? Is he known for ignoring what you want?

Yabu. And precious. And ungrateful. And a little ridiculous.

Four days out of two weeks doesn't seem that much to me

I think you are being unreasonable. He's being nice. If you really can't eat the meal he's prepared for you and be civil, you need to be more specific than "you don't need to" and say "don't". But really, if you want to be alone, don't go home. He lives there too. What's he supposed to do, loiter in the garden with a gag over his mouth and his hands tied in case he accidentally acts like he's your husband or something.

Presumably he can be in his own home, just not faffing around the OP who wants a bit of peace and quiet!

This is an introvert v. extrovert thing - could you give him an article about introverts to read? There is loads online.