... about the lunch problem?

[kinloss]

I work 10 minutes walk away from where I live.

I used to work short shifts during the middle of the day and my husband knew that immediately when I came back from work, I just wanted 5 minutes with a cup of tea and to be left in peace

I've recently changed my working hours to full days and because of some upheavals at work which have unsettled everyone, I thought that on two particular days each week, it might make sense to come home from lunch in order to get a bit of space from a tricky working atmosphere. My husband who is retired is often at home during the day. I told him really clearly that on these days I'd rather not sit down and have lunch with him, so please would he not wait for me or make anything. I just wanted to grab some toast and a cup of tea to eat quietly on my own. So far there have been 4 days - spread over two weeks - of this new regime.

Day 1. Husband arrives home partway through my lunchbreak I've spent at home and makes a great play of how he's timed this specially to give me space.
Day 2. I nearly buy some chips on my way home. I get back to find my husband has made lunch for us both and is waiting for my return. I feel a) glad I didn't buy the chips b) startled. I decide c) it is a goodwill gesture on his part after a disagreement the previous evening, so eat the lunch without further argument.
Day 3. Husband is out . I had known this was likely and enjoy the peace and quiet.
Day 4 (today). I know he is going to be in all day, and emphasise at breakfast that he does not need to make anything. I am very happy to make my own arrangements. At lunchtime I buy chips and wander home to find he has made lunch, set the tabel and is waiting for me. I say, 'I've been eating chips. I don't want this,' and go into another room. After work today, I go over the whole thing with him. Why has he kept making lunch for me, when I've told him I don't want him to. What I actually need is a break from being with people and talking with him.

He says, 'I want to look after you and I know that you sometimes need a few minutes immediately after you come in. So if you don't want to eat lunch straight away, that's fine.'

I have said that I feel really frustrated that he can't listen to what I want - and told him that it's going to be much less trouble to take a sandwich to work and have my lunch there - or else go to the nearest park/have a walk.

But I feel really upset about not having been listened to and not being given space at home.

You said it, Freedom. The "OP should be grateful " crowd sound like dimwitted doormats.

if you do something that someone has specifically asked you not to, it is not caring. it is being unkind.

Is it that your DH doesn't like your job? Or doesn't like the fact that you work out of the house 2 full days a week (at any job)? Does he think you should either only work from home, or take early retirement, and so be 'available' all the time?

I was wondering that, too. He seems to think she should be instantly available to and responsive to the family at all times. It's absurd.

YANBU. He should listen to you.

Retired husbands who don't give you any space can be a source of a lot of resentment, not to mention making you want to scream. That doesn't mean the person doesn't love or appreciate them, just that they like their own company and P and Q at least some of the time.
But it can be very hard to make them understand without hurting their feelings.

A friend of mine has to go out to get some time alone - her husband is always hovering.

They're good questions Princess. My partner semi-retired three years ago, and then fully retired two years back. My daughter went off to university about a year ago.

For the final years in his job I was just working from home,earning very little. Obviously our income dropped when he stopped working full-time so I got a local job that was in the middle of each working day. Very part-time, very badly paid but I thought it might lead to something. (No prospect of any kind of internal promotion though - the cuts have put paid to that, I've found.) This is the job I am still doing but the hours have been changed so I now do the two days 9-5.

My partner has always been quite critical of the jobs I do outside the house, and felt that my employers were treating me badly. Of course, employers do treat employees badly at times - and there were times particularly when my children and stepchildren were younger - when I got quite stressed doing all the juggling required. This, and longer working hours for my partner, were how I ended up just working from home for quite a long period - up until three years back.

My partner also set up a business of his own when he began retiring and I gave him some help. His initial idea was that if my job was turning out to be a bit 'dead end' was that one of the things I could do was increase the work I did for his business. However, he's been a bit inconsistent in how much work he does himself with this venture - and although some of my skills have been of real help to him - there are other areas where my own expertise is lacking. I was also getting quite frazzled looking after the house, doing freelance work at home, doing paid work outside the home and trying to help him with all the bits he didn't want to do with the business.

I realised when my daughter left for university that the greater freedom I was supposed to be having just wasn't appearing, and there seem to have been a lot of difficult attempts to adjust since then.

It is unfortunate that the work I do is paid so badly because I do feel very financially dependent on him, and this complicates matters.

He is not a bad person, I think. But I do feel we're in a difficult situation. I think my priority should be to try and build up the amount I earn/find a new job, while trying to do things with him sometimes - and encourage him to keep adjusting to retirement.

This is a man who badly needs a hobby. He's acting like a lonely dog around his wife and grown daughter, wanting endless interaction and approval. Does he have any internal resources at all? Is he finding his retirement boring?

From your update, your husband does sound quite demanding and you sound frazzled.

If you're helping in his business, 'trying to help him with all the bits he didn't want to do', do you get paid for that? Do you enjoy the work?

If not, and as you don't like being so financially dependent on him and your current work outside the home is so poorly paid, then a new, better paid job sounds like a solution, if that's a realistic proposition.

Does this sound like a long way from your lunch problem? But perhaps if you have a job where he doesn't think you're being exploited, he might feel less, well, over-solicitous? And perhaps a new job might be less draining for you, so you might feel better able to meet him halfway? Or perhaps you might just find a job where it's not possible to pop home at lunchtime!

Best of luck.

I totally get the wanting to recharge alone thing, outside of the workplace and away from colleagues. I spend my lunchtime going for walks for this very reason.

But it really sounds like you don't really enjoy your husband's company all that much. Seeing things from his POV, he's been knocking round the house all morning by himself so probably wants interaction as much as you want space.

Personally, I can relax as well with my DP around as well as I can when I'm alone - being able to spend time together in mutual non-awkward silence is an important indicator of our compatibility. If we both preferred our own company over each other's, I'm not really sure what the point of our relationship would be.

I can really recommend lunchtime walking as a great way to clear your head and de-stress, BTW. Much more effective than taking it all home with you and stewing on it in silent confinement.

Thanks princess. The business is probably best described as a 'hobby business' mainly involving -the preparation and sale of times in which my husband is particularly interested.It is one that has involved turning the house upside down so that potential buyers can come to the house, and also so that the items themselves can be processed and stored. I didn't realise quite how hard I would find it having the house turned into a workplace of this kind. In the first year of trading we made a loss, and in the second we just about broke even. This was without either of us paying ourselves anything. The amount of attention my husband pays to this business fluctuates - because he has developed a number of other interests which he also wishes to pursue. So I cannot see the business ever developing to a point, where any work I do would be paid.

In September I am doing some training which might make me a bit more employable, so would hope my personal situation will start to improve then.

He sounds rather awful, to be honest.

Though admittedly I'm not a great one for Togetherness. Mr Inferior's key in the door is not particularly the high point of my day.

What you've mentioned in your most recent two updates would be far more irritating to me than the whole lunch debacle. This would drive me mad I think! Do you think the way he is managing his business and the impact it is having on you is effecting your relationship with him? Would you have maybe not minded having lunch with him before the whole retirement / starting his own business / promising you (paid?) work thing happened?

I think that the retirement 'hobby business' has been very problematic as far as I am concerned. Or at least it has served to highlight differences between us which were much less apparent when he was working and out of the house from 7.30 am -6.30 pm. Then the very occasional day when he was working but had had appointments nearby and could come and have lunch, was a pleasant change from routine.

NB - last post should read 'items' rather than 'times.'