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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

... about the lunch problem?

213 replies

kinloss · 25/07/2016 21:18

I work 10 minutes walk away from where I live.

I used to work short shifts during the middle of the day and my husband knew that immediately when I came back from work, I just wanted 5 minutes with a cup of tea and to be left in peace

I've recently changed my working hours to full days and because of some upheavals at work which have unsettled everyone, I thought that on two particular days each week, it might make sense to come home from lunch in order to get a bit of space from a tricky working atmosphere. My husband who is retired is often at home during the day. I told him really clearly that on these days I'd rather not sit down and have lunch with him, so please would he not wait for me or make anything. I just wanted to grab some toast and a cup of tea to eat quietly on my own. So far there have been 4 days - spread over two weeks - of this new regime.

Day 1. Husband arrives home partway through my lunchbreak I've spent at home and makes a great play of how he's timed this specially to give me space.
Day 2. I nearly buy some chips on my way home. I get back to find my husband has made lunch for us both and is waiting for my return. I feel a) glad I didn't buy the chips b) startled. I decide c) it is a goodwill gesture on his part after a disagreement the previous evening, so eat the lunch without further argument.
Day 3. Husband is out . I had known this was likely and enjoy the peace and quiet.
Day 4 (today). I know he is going to be in all day, and emphasise at breakfast that he does not need to make anything. I am very happy to make my own arrangements. At lunchtime I buy chips and wander home to find he has made lunch, set the tabel and is waiting for me. I say, 'I've been eating chips. I don't want this,' and go into another room. After work today, I go over the whole thing with him. Why has he kept making lunch for me, when I've told him I don't want him to. What I actually need is a break from being with people and talking with him.

He says, 'I want to look after you and I know that you sometimes need a few minutes immediately after you come in. So if you don't want to eat lunch straight away, that's fine.'

I have said that I feel really frustrated that he can't listen to what I want - and told him that it's going to be much less trouble to take a sandwich to work and have my lunch there - or else go to the nearest park/have a walk.

But I feel really upset about not having been listened to and not being given space at home.

OP posts:
witchofzog · 25/07/2016 21:38

Yabu and actually quite hurtful. Your dh sounds lovely. If he is newly retired he is probably finding the change of routine different at best and he probably looks forward to seeing you. He is making you lunch, wanting a bit of conversation AND he recognises you need a bit of time when you first come in to be quiet and be alone. Cut him some slack. He is trying to compromise. I would be very peed off if my dp told me I wasn't to talk to him when he comes back for lunch.

lastqueenofscotland · 25/07/2016 21:38

Yabu it is his home too! Why should he have to not be in at certain times. Don't go home for lunch, go and sit in a park or similar if you need space.

He's being kind you're being a bitch

RandomMess · 25/07/2016 21:39

I understand where you are coming from and yes not being heard and listened to by your partner when work is being horrible is very hurtful and undermining.

I'd find an alternative tbh Flowers

Original poster
kinloss · 25/07/2016 21:41

Yes, of course he can be about. I think as long as I don't get back at 10 past one to find he'd got the table set for two I'm fine.

I should say that on the other days of the week I now work from home, so we would normally have lunch together then. We also have breakfast together and an evening meal together.

I'd just like the freedom to nip home for a not-very-sociable sandwich on the days when I work in my 'outside' job.

OP posts:
motherinferior · 25/07/2016 21:42

That's rather a lot of togetherness, OP. I'd be gibbering. YANBU.

tofutti · 25/07/2016 21:43

It sounds like you really this time to decompress.

While the weather's nice, I would probably keep a light blanket and have my lunch in a park or somewhere else that you can relax.

But that's temporary. I would just continue to re-assure DH that you love him but you need this time to relax (almost meditate) and forget everything else.

He may be bored due to retirement but you still need to unwind. Maybe you could say you're listening to a relaxation app and need to be alone?

Imnotaslimjim · 25/07/2016 21:44

I get it, I really do. And I've just discussed it with DH and he said "if you told me you needed space I'd be gone before you started yelling". I get cranky if I'm overwhelmed or touched out.

I understand where he's coming from too. He feels that if you're stressed out he needs to look after you, except you don't want looking after, you just want a few quiet minutes with a cuppa to recharge.

Try and talk to him again, calmly. Explain that you wouldn't be so stressed if he would just back off let you have some quiet time

Imnotaslimjim · 25/07/2016 21:44

I get it, I really do. And I've just discussed it with DH and he said "if you told me you needed space I'd be gone before you started yelling". I get cranky if I'm overwhelmed or touched out.

I understand where he's coming from too. He feels that if you're stressed out he needs to look after you, except you don't want looking after, you just want a few quiet minutes with a cuppa to recharge.

Try and talk to him again, calmly. Explain that you wouldn't be so stressed if he would just back off let you have some quiet time

Imnotaslimjim · 25/07/2016 21:44

I get it, I really do. And I've just discussed it with DH and he said "if you told me you needed space I'd be gone before you started yelling". I get cranky if I'm overwhelmed or touched out.

I understand where he's coming from too. He feels that if you're stressed out he needs to look after you, except you don't want looking after, you just want a few quiet minutes with a cuppa to recharge.

Try and talk to him again, calmly. Explain that you wouldn't be so stressed if he would just back off let you have some quiet time

pollyblack · 25/07/2016 21:44

YANBU in my opinion. I would feel exactly the same. I would not go home!

I have one day off a week- the 6 golden hours of the week where i have to think of no one else by myself. I hate having to account for that time, or if my dh takes that day off too. We eat lunch together other days without the kids, on my day off i want peace, freedom and no compromising!!

SaucyJack · 25/07/2016 21:44

Yup. Nipping home for a quiet sandwich. What a fucking bitch (!)

CleanKingdom · 25/07/2016 21:47

YABU, a little rude too. Regardless of your job, not to be rude but get over yourself and stop making it about you. You have caring husband, appreciate that! Again, I'm sorry for being rude, it's just sad to see a loving partner being distanced.

NavyandWhite · 25/07/2016 21:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WorraLiberty · 25/07/2016 21:49

Day 1 and day 3 were complete non events Confused

Are you just looking for ways to be horrible about him?

nothingtoadd · 25/07/2016 21:51

Reverse?

MachiKoro · 25/07/2016 21:51

YANBU, I completely get where you're coming from. Can you find somewhere else to pop for lunch? Library, park, anywhere really.
I need silence to decompress,

EttaJ · 25/07/2016 21:53

YABVU and weird about it.

Oswin · 25/07/2016 21:53

He's not being distanced though is he? She just wants to nip home have a quiet sandwich, she's not ask I g him to leave just don't make her food.
Bloody hell. I cannot believe people are calling her a bitch.
So she must eat every meal together because he wants to even if she doesn't because he's being "nice"?.

Well I think repeatedly ignoring your partners wishes is not very nice at all.

PassiveAgressiveQueen · 25/07/2016 21:54

i completely get you, sometimes you can just be smothered by niceness and want to scream "fuck off and leave me in peace"

redexpat · 25/07/2016 21:54

I think the communication has caused this.

You said you dont need to make me any lunch.
You meant please dont make me lunch, please just leave me be.
He heard I dont want to be a bother so dont make me anything when i come home.

YANBU, but i don't think he is either.

Have you ever heard of 5 love languages? There are 5 ways to show love. Most of us have one main and a secondary one. We show love in the way we want to receive it. He is showing you he loves you by doing an act of service. If you do something thoughtful for him does he really appreciate it?

sizeofalentil · 25/07/2016 21:54

YANBU. You have told him exactly what you want and need him to do eg. nothing. He doesn't realise that helping you and looking after you would be to do what you ask - not what he wants to do.

Other posters are projecting what they'd like on you. You couldn't make it clearer that you don't want him to make you lunch and to fuss over you. He is being unreasonable and needy.

Hassled · 25/07/2016 21:55

I understand where you're coming from - I had similar with DH. On the days he's working from home he's itching to have someone to chat with and offload, and the minute I got in from work he'd appear and talk at me. And expect answers and a conversation. I'd be so tired and frazzled that I just couldn't cope with it. I explained, he understood, we've got past it. But I did have to take into account the fact his need (i.e. to offload/see another person) was just as valid as my need for half an hour's peace before I had to engage with someone.

I don't know what my advice is really - but spell out to him how you feel, and also understand he's probably a bit bored and a bit lonely and has been looking forward to the company.

LisaMed1 · 25/07/2016 21:55

What I see here is...

OP - please don't talk to me for this defined, short space of time.

OP's husband - talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk

OP - your partner has made it clear that your need for time to decompress is less important than his need to talk at you. Is there a local cafe you could go to?

Oswin · 25/07/2016 21:55

Posters are behaving like he's a hero for making some fucking lunch Confused Hmm

yoink · 25/07/2016 21:57

I hear you. this is an introvert thing isn't it? That thing about extroverts relax and recharge their batteries with other people around, introverts relax by spending time alone.

I'm an introvert and I feel like I need to not talk at all for half an hour after I get home from (emotionally draining) work.

But it can also appear to be really cold or rude to my DH or my mum if they're here.

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