Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

... about the lunch problem?

213 replies

kinloss · 25/07/2016 21:18

I work 10 minutes walk away from where I live.

I used to work short shifts during the middle of the day and my husband knew that immediately when I came back from work, I just wanted 5 minutes with a cup of tea and to be left in peace

I've recently changed my working hours to full days and because of some upheavals at work which have unsettled everyone, I thought that on two particular days each week, it might make sense to come home from lunch in order to get a bit of space from a tricky working atmosphere. My husband who is retired is often at home during the day. I told him really clearly that on these days I'd rather not sit down and have lunch with him, so please would he not wait for me or make anything. I just wanted to grab some toast and a cup of tea to eat quietly on my own. So far there have been 4 days - spread over two weeks - of this new regime.

Day 1. Husband arrives home partway through my lunchbreak I've spent at home and makes a great play of how he's timed this specially to give me space.
Day 2. I nearly buy some chips on my way home. I get back to find my husband has made lunch for us both and is waiting for my return. I feel a) glad I didn't buy the chips b) startled. I decide c) it is a goodwill gesture on his part after a disagreement the previous evening, so eat the lunch without further argument.
Day 3. Husband is out . I had known this was likely and enjoy the peace and quiet.
Day 4 (today). I know he is going to be in all day, and emphasise at breakfast that he does not need to make anything. I am very happy to make my own arrangements. At lunchtime I buy chips and wander home to find he has made lunch, set the tabel and is waiting for me. I say, 'I've been eating chips. I don't want this,' and go into another room. After work today, I go over the whole thing with him. Why has he kept making lunch for me, when I've told him I don't want him to. What I actually need is a break from being with people and talking with him.

He says, 'I want to look after you and I know that you sometimes need a few minutes immediately after you come in. So if you don't want to eat lunch straight away, that's fine.'

I have said that I feel really frustrated that he can't listen to what I want - and told him that it's going to be much less trouble to take a sandwich to work and have my lunch there - or else go to the nearest park/have a walk.

But I feel really upset about not having been listened to and not being given space at home.

OP posts:
AnnieOnnieMouse · 25/07/2016 21:57

YANBU
You have clearly explained what you need, and why, on just these two frenetic days. He's being self centred in his wish to please you - performance partnering. Play the broken record.

Lunar1 · 25/07/2016 21:59

Sit in your car for lunch and watch the world go by. I get the need for space, but it doesn't sound like fun for either of you this way.

goingmadinthecountry · 25/07/2016 22:00

I feel for you. I'm an only child and introvert though very outgoing in my job as a teacher. I need time without other people. Dh is a contractor and this will be the third year he hasn't been working during the summer. I hate it so much - feel trapped and angry all the time.

BastardGoDarkly · 25/07/2016 22:03

Urgh op, YANBU. AT ALL!!

Why does his need to talk to you and make you lunch trump your need to just be left in peace?!

As you say, you eat together other times, and clearly spend lots of time talking together, so why should half an hour of you being in the same house but not 'together' be such a problem?

That said, I don't know how you can make him listen, when you've tried and been so clear.

(Please take no notice of pp saying you sound like a bitch, I don't think you do at all)

Chippednailvarnishing · 25/07/2016 22:03

So basically you're meant to do what he wants because otherwise your "unkind", "being a bitch" or "not nice".

Fuck that. Your lunch, your house, your choice. You're capable of deciding what you want and he needs to respect that.

ThoraGruntwhistle · 25/07/2016 22:05

Is this a reverse?
In case it isn't... YANBU to want some peace and quiet, but YABU to be horrible to your husband for trying to be nice.

NavyandWhite · 25/07/2016 22:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BastardGoDarkly · 25/07/2016 22:05

Where has she been horrible?!

choppolata · 25/07/2016 22:06

YABU for buying chips without asking him if he wanted any.

Naicehamshop · 25/07/2016 22:11

God - he would drive me round the bend faffing about like that after you have asked him not to! Angry

Can you find a park to sit in quietly with a sandwich instead? (Don't really see why you should have to though...)

Lunar1 · 25/07/2016 22:11

It's fine to want alone time, but not in a house with other people in. It's not like she's vanishing to the bedroom she's grabbing lunch and a drink.

Where should he hide out if the way for this alone time?

VimFuego101 · 25/07/2016 22:13

I completely understand your need for quiet, but I don't think you can ask him to vacate the house or not speak to you.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 25/07/2016 22:16

Bloody hell...

LifeIsGoodish · 25/07/2016 22:16

YANBU, but it took me a long time to understand that dh is not rejecting me when he comes home and appears to ignore me, he just needs some downtime to 'reset' himself. If I let him be he'll come to me.

TBF if I didn't have a dh like this, and had not yet come to terms with his personality and emotional needs, I would probably also be saying YABU.

I think you need to have a conversation with your dh - not during a lunch hour, do it at a time when you can both focus on the matter - and start it with something like "I love you and I like being cherished and looked after by you, BUT I need the downtime." Really spell it out to him. Tell him exactly what you want from him. And if he does give you the 'ignoring ' that you want, give him a kiss and say "Thank you" when you leave to return to work.

Original poster
kinloss · 25/07/2016 22:17

I think if he'd been sat at the table eating his own sandwich and doing the crossword and looked up when I came in and said 'Busy morning', that would have been fine.

What did not feel fine after four hours of dealing with people non-stop was coming home and seeing him hovering with two places set at the table - realising that he had been waiting for me and what he wanted me to do was sit down with him and eat with him and talk to him.

OP posts:
libellule1 · 25/07/2016 22:17

YABU. Enjoy the 10 minutes walk, isn't that decompressing time? Or go straight to the garden and sit down for some quiet time, then go into the house and have lunch.

LifeIsGoodish · 25/07/2016 22:17

Or take your lunch break elsewhere.

Lunar1 · 25/07/2016 22:19

Take your lunch break somewhere else then. Your set of rules for what he is permitted to say and do are unfair.

MaddyHatter · 25/07/2016 22:21

YANBU in the slightest!

Maybe its because i'm a chronic introvert, but i always needed my lunchbreaks when i was working to NOT SPEAK TO ANYONE, i used to take a packed lunch and go sit in my car with the radio on.

The fact he's not listening to you is key here, i understand what he's saying, and its lovely that he wants to do something nice for you, but he's not getting that need for silence and no-one demanding anything from you.

unfortunately, i can't see it changing, and you'll have to find something else to do, or pointedly pick your lunch up off the table and lock yourself in your bedroom!

TheSockGoblin · 25/07/2016 22:24

If he says he is just wanting to look out for your wellbeing - 'look after you' - then he ought to be respectful of the need for some space and alone time on your lunchbreak on these days.

If I had made it clear that I needed that time to decompress and please don't do lunch for me anyhow then I'd not see it as 'looking after me' to ignore what I was saying. I'd find it the opposite.

I really think some people don't understand it when others need time and space and peace and quiet. I have this issue with someone in my life who seems to think my need for quiet time is akin to me having something wrong with me. They are happy to sit and babble at me all about bollocks to do with their day when all I want is half an hour after work to eat, have a cup of coffee and decompress. No matter how many times I say it they insist on coming into the space where I am (even if I go into another room with my sandwich) and babble stuff at me about what was on Tv or other trivial things.

it drives me mad, I hate it. I can't understand why there is this need to fill every single silence with words constantly from some people and why they find it so hard to just give others a few minutes peace.

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all and I also don't think you are obliged to be gracious about someone continuing to do something for you you have not asked for and actually said you don't want, especially when it impacts you negatively.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 25/07/2016 22:25

Ever think that he might feel uncomfortable with you traipsing in, half way through him eating his lunch?

e1y1 · 25/07/2016 22:28

You're not going to want to spend every waking moment with your Husband, and you're not.

But if you can't bear a lunch with him, maybe you should not be with him.

Bearing in mind, it isn't everyday that you're going home for lunch. Your Husband is probably glad of the company, and understandably, wants to spend the few occasions he can, having lunch with his wife.

Along with the fact, you're working, and he is being lovely making you lunch.

Other than stop going home completely at lunch, can you not have compromise, say lunch with DH every other time you go home?

Or have your alone time in the evenings, in the bath, go for a drive whatever.

I get being upset in not being listened to, but your OP is only tending your wants, not both.

Tell me F* Off by all means, but to me, there is other issues hiding behind the lunch problem.

Carrados · 25/07/2016 22:28

YANBU and I can't believe the crao you're getting from people here. Just because someone makes you lunch and is lonely - doesn't mean they're not also being very inconsiderate.

You do what works for you - you clearly need time to yourself to cope with work. My Dad does this to my Mim. He's retired and picks her up and walks her home for lunch everyday and makes her lunch. She's really independent and finds it really frustrating that she can't just chill out. But she gets shut up by him because he just responds with 'oh I'm lonely' 'oh I worked hard to make you this' - it's so PA to do that because it puts you in the position where you are forced to be a bitch. Hence the ridiculous responses you've received on this thread from people who should know better.

WiddlinDiddlin · 25/07/2016 22:28

YANBU Kinloss... redexpat has however hit the nail on the head I think..

You say: "you don't need to do xyz"
You mean: "DON'T do xyz"
DH hears: " do xyz if you want to and its no bother"

You need to say to him DO NOT DO... and not 'you don't need to', make it crystal clear 'I DO NOT WANT YOU TO...' and back it up with 'because I want to do abc instead'..

And then once you have done that - be unpredictable about your lunch hours - wander home with chips one day, walk in teh park the next, go home and have soup and a butty the one after that, so that you he grasps the message there is no point providing a meal on the table because he doesn't konw when you will be back and he doesn't know if you will have eaten or not either.

NavyandWhite · 25/07/2016 22:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Swipe left for the next trending thread