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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

... about the lunch problem?

213 replies

kinloss · 25/07/2016 21:18

I work 10 minutes walk away from where I live.

I used to work short shifts during the middle of the day and my husband knew that immediately when I came back from work, I just wanted 5 minutes with a cup of tea and to be left in peace

I've recently changed my working hours to full days and because of some upheavals at work which have unsettled everyone, I thought that on two particular days each week, it might make sense to come home from lunch in order to get a bit of space from a tricky working atmosphere. My husband who is retired is often at home during the day. I told him really clearly that on these days I'd rather not sit down and have lunch with him, so please would he not wait for me or make anything. I just wanted to grab some toast and a cup of tea to eat quietly on my own. So far there have been 4 days - spread over two weeks - of this new regime.

Day 1. Husband arrives home partway through my lunchbreak I've spent at home and makes a great play of how he's timed this specially to give me space.
Day 2. I nearly buy some chips on my way home. I get back to find my husband has made lunch for us both and is waiting for my return. I feel a) glad I didn't buy the chips b) startled. I decide c) it is a goodwill gesture on his part after a disagreement the previous evening, so eat the lunch without further argument.
Day 3. Husband is out . I had known this was likely and enjoy the peace and quiet.
Day 4 (today). I know he is going to be in all day, and emphasise at breakfast that he does not need to make anything. I am very happy to make my own arrangements. At lunchtime I buy chips and wander home to find he has made lunch, set the tabel and is waiting for me. I say, 'I've been eating chips. I don't want this,' and go into another room. After work today, I go over the whole thing with him. Why has he kept making lunch for me, when I've told him I don't want him to. What I actually need is a break from being with people and talking with him.

He says, 'I want to look after you and I know that you sometimes need a few minutes immediately after you come in. So if you don't want to eat lunch straight away, that's fine.'

I have said that I feel really frustrated that he can't listen to what I want - and told him that it's going to be much less trouble to take a sandwich to work and have my lunch there - or else go to the nearest park/have a walk.

But I feel really upset about not having been listened to and not being given space at home.

OP posts:
EllyMayClampett · 25/07/2016 23:08

OP, I understand your need for a little quiet and a little space. It sounds like you cannot and will not get it at work or at home. In the good weather is there are green space you could sit in and contemplate? Perhaps a coffee shop in the bad weather. Sadly, you DH doesn't seem to be able to understand and I think it would be easier to find a "third space" than to get him to truly understand.

RhiWrites · 25/07/2016 23:09

YANBU to want one meal in between work shifts just to decompress without a big production being made of it. You talk to the man at breakfast and dinner and all the days you work from home. He sounds very needy and clingy.

I'm staggered at posters telling you that you don't deserve to be in your own house if you're not prepared to be social constantly. Your husband doesn't have a marital right over your attention.

TheWindInThePillows · 25/07/2016 23:13

OP I work from home a lot as well and spend a huge amount of time with my husband, and you have to find ways to get space and peace and quiet within that. I think the trick is to have some together time, and some alone time and not to take it personally if the other person doesn't want to have every meal or every evening or every cup of tea shared with you. Most days I have lunch with my husband, but odd days I just don't want to or I want to read the newspaper or just chill out- or he wants to get some work done urgently, so we eat when it suits us separately.

You spend a huge amount of time with your husband anyway, and I completely understand that when you are tired, you want to just chill for two lunches a week, instead of having to be 'on' all the time, especially given you see him all the bloody time.

YANBU or remotely mean.

LilacInn · 25/07/2016 23:16

YADNBU. Can't believe anyone thinks the working person should subjugate her needs, two freaking hours a week, to those of the needy selfish retiree.

He sounds deliberately obtuse and there is little worse than the kind of arse who deflects any criticism with the disingenuous "Whaa? I was just trying to be nice!" excuse.

He can sleep, read, shop, garden, watch television, meditate or umpteen other activities while the OP relaxes in peace. What sort of overgrown toddler cannot occupy himself quietly for 45 minutes 2x a week?!

LadyLayLay · 25/07/2016 23:27

What did not feel fine after four hours of dealing with people non-stop was coming home and seeing him hovering with two places set at the table - realising that he had been waiting for me and what he wanted me to do was sit down with him and eat with him and talk to him.

Bastard Sad

DavidPuddy · 25/07/2016 23:27

I think your request is entirely reasonable and I would have been very angry with my husband had he done the same as your husband.

OhMyWord16 · 25/07/2016 23:44

I also think your request is very reasonable, YANBU.

JakeBallardswife · 26/07/2016 00:10

As other posters have pointed out I think the solution is to make your DH more independent so he's off at a lecture, music club or sporting activity etc.

Tell him what you need. ie space and help him to find a new pattern so that you can have your me time.

W33kendsawaay · 26/07/2016 00:34

Go home one day spend time with husband

Alternate day, go somewhere else for lunch (any where)

You could stay at work or out of work, buy some earphones listen to music or radio on mobile phone or ipod, ipad

Careforadrink · 26/07/2016 01:37

Yabu and sound previous and ungrateful to me.

meowli · 26/07/2016 02:01

realising that he had been waiting for me and what he wanted me to do was sit down with him and eat with him and talk to him.

The way you have phrased this makes him sound needy. Is that the way you see him, op? Maybe the people you work with are so dependent on you, that when you get home you need a break from any demands being placed on you, so react badly to your dh's expectations?

Rumpelstiltskin143 · 26/07/2016 02:12

Have you got a garden? With a shed at the button? Make yourself a "she shed". Paint it, put in a comfy chair, a toaster and whatever you need to relax. You own little haven at the bottom of the garden. I've got one, my husband has his mancave, neither of us go into the other without a specific invitation. Bliss.

SianSteans · 26/07/2016 02:32

I do not think you are being unreasonable. What I do think is massively unreasonable is the expectation from other posters that you should either avoid your own house so as not to upset your husband by rejecting his neediness or ignore your own needs to accommodate his. He is a grown man. If he can't handle a couple of lunches a week alone when you spend all the rest of your time together that is plain weird and his issue. It should in no way be avoid your own house to dodge the issue or be miserable to make someone else happy or else be a selfish bitch. It's not being a selfish bitch to ask for time to eat in peace twice a week.

Upthetree100 · 26/07/2016 03:26

YANBU at all. You are entitled to some space in your own home. I completely get you about wind down time and frequently have similar frustrations with DH about fussing over me when all I want is to be anti social for a few hours and just sit around having a bit of a mope.

Absolutely nothing wrong with it OP, and it doesn't mean you are ungrateful for having someone who loves and cares for you - you should just be able to have a few hours of quiet time if you want.

SylvieB74 · 26/07/2016 03:36

You sound like a nightmare. One of those people who always finds something to moan about because people have to just think what you want/feel and that's it. You probably manage to whinge about things people haven't even thought of yet. Such random stuff that some people are walking on egg shells, and some just don't want to know you.

Rockelburger · 26/07/2016 03:41

Sounds like your job is your problem not your husband.

He sounds lovely! Many would kill for someone to make them lunch!!

LilacInn · 26/07/2016 04:05

OP, ignore all these desperately needy people calling you names. They are projecting their own pathetic neediness on your situation.

You are well within your rights to demand a few hours of privacy. Any working person understands.

PurpleWithRed · 26/07/2016 04:38

Yanbu. He is deliberately choosing to ignore your needs. I'd be upset too.

LaContessaDiPlump · 26/07/2016 06:26

Your DH's need for attention doesn't trump your need to be left alone for 2 lunches a week, esp as you spend plenty of time with him otherwise and have specifically requested that he NOT make you lunch at those times.

I get it!

exLtEveDallas · 26/07/2016 06:29

I think I'm the OP!

Except with me it's not lunch, it's the end of the day. I get home at 4:30. All I want is 30 mins to myself, to reset, to chill in silence. I work in a very big very busy school and it is always frantic.

I never get it.

I have DH "how was your day? anything happen? anything good? I did X, then Y, then Z. The dog did A. Next door said B, I'm going to go to C tomorrow and did I tell you about X, well the thing is..."

Then I have DD "Hi mum, Miss B said X today and that was totally unfair because XYZ, so Harvey was doing DEF and Shane said JKL but me and poppy were like "whatever" so he got really angry and oh it's so unfair my life is ruined and I hate my hair and mum do you know how to pluck eyebrows because Sophie said that mine....."

After 30 mins I'm ready to KILL.

(I've taken to going straight to the toilet and locking myself in for 15 mins)

You have lunch with him 3 weekdays and 2 weekend days every week. It's not wrong to want 2 to yourself.

Carrados · 26/07/2016 06:38

Ignore the trolls OP. They just can't get past the fact your DH makes you lunch Hmm. You MUST be ungrateful and selfish to complain about a man that does THAT.

OverAndAbove · 26/07/2016 06:43

Gosh this is an interesting - and divisive - one!

I'm on the side of YANBU. My husband and I both work from home periodically, but NEVER on the same day. We would drive each other crazy. We have plenty space in the house but still need quiet and no distraction, even st lunch and coffee break. We're perfectly capable of ignoring each other if we arrive back from work at the same time, until we've chilled for 20 minutes and clicked back into home mode.

Be clear with your husband; I agree with PPs that communication is the issue...

OneInEight · 26/07/2016 06:46

YANBU. If you can't get peace and quiet in your own home where can you get it?

OnionKnight · 26/07/2016 06:49

YABU and ungrateful.

PirateFairy45 · 26/07/2016 06:58

He's missing you!

Though I'm not too sure why. You're being extremely ungrateful for him trying to be a good husband.

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