... about the lunch problem?

[kinloss]

I work 10 minutes walk away from where I live.

I used to work short shifts during the middle of the day and my husband knew that immediately when I came back from work, I just wanted 5 minutes with a cup of tea and to be left in peace

I've recently changed my working hours to full days and because of some upheavals at work which have unsettled everyone, I thought that on two particular days each week, it might make sense to come home from lunch in order to get a bit of space from a tricky working atmosphere. My husband who is retired is often at home during the day. I told him really clearly that on these days I'd rather not sit down and have lunch with him, so please would he not wait for me or make anything. I just wanted to grab some toast and a cup of tea to eat quietly on my own. So far there have been 4 days - spread over two weeks - of this new regime.

Day 1. Husband arrives home partway through my lunchbreak I've spent at home and makes a great play of how he's timed this specially to give me space.
Day 2. I nearly buy some chips on my way home. I get back to find my husband has made lunch for us both and is waiting for my return. I feel a) glad I didn't buy the chips b) startled. I decide c) it is a goodwill gesture on his part after a disagreement the previous evening, so eat the lunch without further argument.
Day 3. Husband is out . I had known this was likely and enjoy the peace and quiet.
Day 4 (today). I know he is going to be in all day, and emphasise at breakfast that he does not need to make anything. I am very happy to make my own arrangements. At lunchtime I buy chips and wander home to find he has made lunch, set the tabel and is waiting for me. I say, 'I've been eating chips. I don't want this,' and go into another room. After work today, I go over the whole thing with him. Why has he kept making lunch for me, when I've told him I don't want him to. What I actually need is a break from being with people and talking with him.

He says, 'I want to look after you and I know that you sometimes need a few minutes immediately after you come in. So if you don't want to eat lunch straight away, that's fine.'

I have said that I feel really frustrated that he can't listen to what I want - and told him that it's going to be much less trouble to take a sandwich to work and have my lunch there - or else go to the nearest park/have a walk.

But I feel really upset about not having been listened to and not being given space at home.

YABVU. Selfish, atually.

What exactly is wrong with wanting to come home for lunch and have 20 odd minutes to yourself with a cup of tea and a slice of fucking toast!

She not saying he has to not exist just leave her alone and shel see him after work.

What precisely about his needs trumps hers especially when it is a simple and occasionall one!

Your all saying he's trying to be nice but the reality is he is putting himself first and ignoring somthing she has asked for again and again.

Excuse the spelling and grammar issues.

Thesockgoblin- you're bang on there. I've always needed time to myself every day in order to stay sane. Some people are just like that. If I deal with a lot of people at work, I'll need it more so. That doesn't mean I don't care about the needs of DH or DD but that I'm more able to cater their needs when I've had a bit of defrosting time. You can't force people to do things your way, force them to chat, eat etc.

But OP has said what time she will be in, with a request for no conversation - whatever else DH has planned for the day, he can use that time. Don't think OP has said she wants him out - just to be left to read and relax. DH can greet her and go and read the paper/garden/do a crossword/pop to the shops - whatever he likes! OP will be socialising with him after work and on her non-working days!
It's not much different from the tolerance expected if you work from home, for instance - my DH works from home sometimes, on those days I will make the odd cup of tea but otherwise will leave him to it as he is working, or If I'm making lunch, I'll pop my head round the office door and ask if he wants anything, but I treat him as if he is 20 miles away in the office other than that.

YANBU to want some alone time to decompress. Sometimes a bit of quiet time alone is essential to regather myself and regain my equilibrium.

But he clearly thinks that he's being nice - perhaps if he was in your situation, he would find it helpful and energizing to sit down with a loved one to chat over a lunch that'd been made for him, so is struggling to understand why this isn't helpful to you?

I think you either need to explicitly spell out that you want to be alone at lunchtime, and not chatted to, or you need to find a quiet park or similar to have your lunch in.

Yup Navy. As is it her husband's. Perhaps he finds iit awkward sitting, eating his lunch and her coming in and preparing/eating her own, whilst he's already tucking into his. I know I might. Perhaps instead of setting rules she should have spoken to him about what he was also comfortable with?

YANBU. Or precious. Or a complete bitch. You just need a quick quiet break in the middle of a challenging day, to allow you to continue with a demanding job. When you are calm, have another go at explaining to your husband. It does sound like he's a bit adrift in his retirement but that needs a different solution!

I don't think it is that though or there wouldn't be a post. Some people just don't listen.

Yanbu - he must be bored but I understand the need for space. I like to spend some time alone and some people can't seem to understand that looking at you mum visiting everyday since i went on maternity leave.

She explained her needs, where the space for his?

Yanbu op. I like to eat lunch alone, I like to sit down in peace with my phone and mumsnet or read the paper or whatever but I love that half an hour alone, dh is off work at the moment and often comes in to chat, not eat, just chat and watch me eat, then gets annoyed when he senses I just want to be left with my food and my phone and says I'm rude, I say you are interrupting me and expecting me to just stop and do as you want me to do, I saw that's rude. Anyway, lunch alone is lovely, yanbu

"emphasise at breakfast that he does not need to make anything."

this isn't clear enough. "you don't need to make anything" could be misinterpreted as "it's not your job, but actually who doesn't like having a meal made for them?" you need to say:

• please don't make lunch
• please don't expect me to sit with you, chatting

I wouldn't be able to say this so would just go to the park.

Having said that, no one would ever in a million years make my lunch and I would be pitifully grateful!

YABU You need some space but your dh clearly needs some company. All you really need to do is say thank you but that you'd like to be on your own as you've had a stressful morning and take your lunch elsewhere. Maybe have a coffee with him or something for 5 minutes before you go back.
If he likes fussing over you could you mention some nice evening meals he could prepare that you could eat together?

YANBU. I actually can't believe anyone thinks YABU.

You are totally NBU. I work from/near home and if I ever come home for lunch to find DH there (his job means he sometimes comes back in the day/works at home in the morning) then I'm always really annoyed that I'll have to talk to him rather than watching some crap on iPlayer/4oD and eating my lunch in peace . I get you. You have explained politely what you prefer and he's ignored it - even though he has good intentions, that's still not fair.

If I have read the OP's posts correctly, the OP happily chats after work and at all the mealtimes in the day on the four days she doesn't work. The OP's DH gets her full attention at all the other mealtimes. She just asked for these two per week.

Bit harsh that two lunchtimes out of seven the OP can't say that she has a particular need and please can her husband recognise it.

I'd love someone to make me lunch can I borrow him

"Ever think that he might feel uncomfortable with you traipsing in, half way through him eating his lunch?"

Did you really just type that with a straight face?

I absolutely get it OP. He is not listening to you. You have told him what you need in order to deal with your stressful job and he is disregarding it. I don't think you're 'a bitch' at all.
Maybe he is bored, that's not your problem. He needs to do a course or start volunteering.

Your DH needs to find something to do.

It is perfectly reasonable to want to come in, sort yourself out and chill for a bit.

It's not all the time and your DH is very U to not respect your wishes.

I get it, I need to unwind from work with a bit of peace and quiet.

In OP's situation I'd be irritated by the husband's behaviour, feel guilty about that as he's done a supposedly nice thing by making lunch - even though I didn't want it - and I'd feel even more annoyed. I'd also be cross if I felt I couldn't go home if I wanted to. The whole pantomime would really bug me!

I don't think people should be expected to be grateful to others for doing things they'd expressly asked them not to.

Wasn't there an episode of Friends with Rachel working late to a deadline and Ross comes barging in all needy with a picnic, flowers, candles etc and she ends up completely losing the plot and dumps him?

I totally get it. My job involves talking to people all day and the last thing I need during my break is a chat. It's just that you really NEED the quiet and the alone time. I think you can only really understand this if you have a job like that.