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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

... about the lunch problem?

213 replies

kinloss · 25/07/2016 21:18

I work 10 minutes walk away from where I live.

I used to work short shifts during the middle of the day and my husband knew that immediately when I came back from work, I just wanted 5 minutes with a cup of tea and to be left in peace

I've recently changed my working hours to full days and because of some upheavals at work which have unsettled everyone, I thought that on two particular days each week, it might make sense to come home from lunch in order to get a bit of space from a tricky working atmosphere. My husband who is retired is often at home during the day. I told him really clearly that on these days I'd rather not sit down and have lunch with him, so please would he not wait for me or make anything. I just wanted to grab some toast and a cup of tea to eat quietly on my own. So far there have been 4 days - spread over two weeks - of this new regime.

Day 1. Husband arrives home partway through my lunchbreak I've spent at home and makes a great play of how he's timed this specially to give me space.
Day 2. I nearly buy some chips on my way home. I get back to find my husband has made lunch for us both and is waiting for my return. I feel a) glad I didn't buy the chips b) startled. I decide c) it is a goodwill gesture on his part after a disagreement the previous evening, so eat the lunch without further argument.
Day 3. Husband is out . I had known this was likely and enjoy the peace and quiet.
Day 4 (today). I know he is going to be in all day, and emphasise at breakfast that he does not need to make anything. I am very happy to make my own arrangements. At lunchtime I buy chips and wander home to find he has made lunch, set the tabel and is waiting for me. I say, 'I've been eating chips. I don't want this,' and go into another room. After work today, I go over the whole thing with him. Why has he kept making lunch for me, when I've told him I don't want him to. What I actually need is a break from being with people and talking with him.

He says, 'I want to look after you and I know that you sometimes need a few minutes immediately after you come in. So if you don't want to eat lunch straight away, that's fine.'

I have said that I feel really frustrated that he can't listen to what I want - and told him that it's going to be much less trouble to take a sandwich to work and have my lunch there - or else go to the nearest park/have a walk.

But I feel really upset about not having been listened to and not being given space at home.

OP posts:
ILoveCwtches · 26/07/2016 07:09

Goodness me, why is the OP's husband getting praise for managing to make a meal which is not wanted? Why is the OP getting slated for being pissed off that her wishes/needs are being ignored and walked all over?

OP, YANBU. As PP have said, it is 2 meals a week. Being nice isn't making someone eat a meal they don't want and have a conversation they don't have the headspace to deal with. Being nice would be offering to make a meal if the OP wanted one and then actually listening when she says she doesn't!

ArgyMargy · 26/07/2016 07:18

DH has never ever made me lunch in 25 years. However I agree YANBU but suggest you avoid going home at lunch.

BastardGoDarkly · 26/07/2016 07:39

Nice Sylvie Hmm

davos · 26/07/2016 07:40

I don't think either of you are being unreasonable. I get wanting to have some quiet time. I also get that he wants to chat with you.

Surely there is rooms for some compromise on both your parts.

Jengnr · 26/07/2016 07:41

OP, YANBU. If he has a desperate need to make you something he could do a butty and leave it on the side. It's the table set for two and the mithering that's the real problem isn't it?

How about if you come home and your dinner's waiting for you just pick it up, say thanks and take it in the other room? Would that work? It could even work in your favour as you'll get longer to sit and chill because you won't have to make anything.

guiltynetter · 26/07/2016 07:42

YABU, you sound quite unpleasant actually. how dare he make you some lunch?!

NavyandWhite · 26/07/2016 07:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CatNip2 · 26/07/2016 07:48

You sound a bit grumpy and antisocial but I get that in your line of business. However it's summer, can't you pack a lunch and go sit in the park or on a bench or similar for your peace time? I sit in the car, lay the seat back, put the radio on and close my eyes or go for a power walk round town. I certainly wouldn't go home, all I would see is jobs that need doing.

Ragwort · 26/07/2016 07:49

I totally understand what you are saying; it might be 'nice' that the DP makes lunch for the OP but really being 'nice' is respecting other peoples' points of view and responding to what they want/need - not what you think they should want/need.

Slightly different scenario but my DPs are in the late 80s and one of the things my mother finds frustrating is the constant 'togetherness'. And I know lots of posters will now start saying, 'how wonderful to still be a couple after 55+ years of marriage' - but I totally understand that occasionally my mother just wants time on her own. She has now taken to getting up at 6am to try and have time alone but now Dad gets up with her as well Grin.

Some people just love time to be on their own with their thoughts - and for people who love to 'be with other people all the time' - it is hard to understand this.

I can't understand people who can't bear their own company and 'need' to be with others all the time - but I try and respect that point of view.

HoggleHoggle · 26/07/2016 07:50

I agree, it's depressing. I'm not sure why the op isn't 'allowed' 2 meals out of the whole week to spend quietly in her own house. It's not about being ungrateful, it's about asking for something you need. In this case, it's an hour to herself x 2 a week.

HoggleHoggle · 26/07/2016 07:50

My agree was with navy ^

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 26/07/2016 07:53

I haven't read the full thread, but YADNBU. My husband retired some years ago and I carried on working full-time. It wasn't easy at first, as I was having a difficult time at work and I was (irrationally but understandably, I think) envious of him - he was as happy as Larry pottering around at home and going out running or for little sightseeing/shopping expeditions on his own while I was dealing with some of the most unreasonable people ever to draw breath at work. However, fortunately for me he was very supportive and picked up a lot of slack that would otherwise have added to my stress levels - supported our children through A levels and the university admissions process, took over lots of routine domestic drudgery in its entirety, got on with various DIY projects etc etc.

I now work part-time and so we do see a great deal of each other, but we don't spend every waking moment together - that would be a recipe for disaster.

I would say the solution to your problem is not to go home at lunchtime, if you're not able to get your husband to change his ways. A walk round a park or a shopping trip might give you the solitude and change of scene you need without the unwanted fuss at home.

Good luck!

yumyumpoppycat · 26/07/2016 07:55

YANBU - I would go to the park like another poster suggested...or go and find him say hi then 'right am just having some peace and quiet now...see ya later' and go to another room and shut the door.

diddl · 26/07/2016 07:55

If he's deliberately made a lunch that you need to sit at the table to sit & eat then that's a bit PA, isn't it?

If he's made a few sandwiches that you can each elsewhere, maybe just thoughtful?

If you take yourself off to another room, does he follow?

MissDuke · 26/07/2016 07:57

YANBU, I think many posters missed the fact you usually work from home and lunch together the other days! I guess maybe he likes the routine of it and misses you the other days? This is not your problem, you are entitled to time alone. Has he taken up any hobbies since retiring? Is he bored? Could you maybe suggest an allotment or pet or something (though if he is like my dh, you would end up organising it all for him anyway Hmm )

evelynj · 26/07/2016 08:04

Yanbu- can't believe so many people saying you are.

I need space. Doesn't get much simpler. As pp says he seems to have gained hero status for setting the table & making lunch!

SaucyJack · 26/07/2016 08:08

" You're being extremely ungrateful for him trying to be a good husband."

Ah yes. This is the crux of the issue.

Your husband is a man and is therefore a Possessor Of The Almighty Penis. You should have twigged by now that it is still 1953 and that as a mere woman yourself you should be prostrating yourself at his feet with gratitude for any crumbs of attention he wants to throw your way.

One fucking sandwich. Shame on you OP. Your poor husband.

AvaLeStrange · 26/07/2016 08:12

If I did this, my DH would feel hurt and rejected

But it's ok for the OP's feelings to be minimised and ignored?

I know exactly where you're coming from and it would drive me crackers. The only reason I can think of behind it is that perhaps he's worried about you spending extra money on your lunches?

Have you made it very clear to him exactly how stressful and busy your job is so he knows it's nothing personal?

Yadnbu though, in my opinion.

Chopstick17 · 26/07/2016 08:15

I understand OP. I also understand your DH. I used to be a SAHM and craved adult conversation and couldn't wait for him to get in. He probably wanted to unwind though he never complained.
I think the easiest thing is to not come home. Could you take a packed lunch or go to a cafe?

ArcheryAnnie · 26/07/2016 08:22

I'm going to go against what seems to be the general grain and say YANBU.

If you have repeatedly said you don't want something (company and lunch being made for you) and your DH keeps pushing it on you anyway, you are not being "ungrateful" for still not wanting it.

Your DH should listen to you. He isn't, and isn't paying attention to what you keep on repeatedly telling him is good for your own stress levels and emotional health. A short period once a day where you have a bit of peace and quiet is not too much to ask.

Don't eat the lunches if you don't want to.

Muskateersmummy · 26/07/2016 08:25

Is there possibly a compromise. He wants to take care of you, could he make you and sandwich, and then you say thank you, have a brief chat about each other's morning and then say "I'm going to eat this in the garden and have a quiet 5 minutes before going back to work". That way he is looking after you, making your lunch, but you still get your space.

I agree with pp that your maybe not being strong enough in your asking for him not to do lunch. Saying you don't need to maybe says don't put yourself out as opposed to I really don't want you too. I think you need to talk to him and be clear." I really need x amount of time on my own at lunchtime to prepare for the afternoon."

Muskateersmummy · 26/07/2016 08:25

a sandwich not and sandwich!

JapanNextYear · 26/07/2016 08:26

Get a dog, it's what I'm planning to fo to distract DH from following me round when he retires....

MLGs · 26/07/2016 08:28

I can't believe you are getting yabu s on here!

You said what you needed and he needs to listen.

It sounds like you are an introvert and yours needs are different to his.

mouldycheesefan · 26/07/2016 08:46

I totally get this.
I am an introvert and they say that introverts are happy to be with other people. But they need some time by themselves. You want a people free lunch. I think your best bet is actually not to come home but to get your chips and go and sit in the park or something. Your husband is a lovely man that wants a few mins chat with you. If you can't do that its best not to go home. I think you are being a bit ride to him but I understand where you are coming from. 💐