Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

... about the lunch problem?

213 replies

kinloss · 25/07/2016 21:18

I work 10 minutes walk away from where I live.

I used to work short shifts during the middle of the day and my husband knew that immediately when I came back from work, I just wanted 5 minutes with a cup of tea and to be left in peace

I've recently changed my working hours to full days and because of some upheavals at work which have unsettled everyone, I thought that on two particular days each week, it might make sense to come home from lunch in order to get a bit of space from a tricky working atmosphere. My husband who is retired is often at home during the day. I told him really clearly that on these days I'd rather not sit down and have lunch with him, so please would he not wait for me or make anything. I just wanted to grab some toast and a cup of tea to eat quietly on my own. So far there have been 4 days - spread over two weeks - of this new regime.

Day 1. Husband arrives home partway through my lunchbreak I've spent at home and makes a great play of how he's timed this specially to give me space.
Day 2. I nearly buy some chips on my way home. I get back to find my husband has made lunch for us both and is waiting for my return. I feel a) glad I didn't buy the chips b) startled. I decide c) it is a goodwill gesture on his part after a disagreement the previous evening, so eat the lunch without further argument.
Day 3. Husband is out . I had known this was likely and enjoy the peace and quiet.
Day 4 (today). I know he is going to be in all day, and emphasise at breakfast that he does not need to make anything. I am very happy to make my own arrangements. At lunchtime I buy chips and wander home to find he has made lunch, set the tabel and is waiting for me. I say, 'I've been eating chips. I don't want this,' and go into another room. After work today, I go over the whole thing with him. Why has he kept making lunch for me, when I've told him I don't want him to. What I actually need is a break from being with people and talking with him.

He says, 'I want to look after you and I know that you sometimes need a few minutes immediately after you come in. So if you don't want to eat lunch straight away, that's fine.'

I have said that I feel really frustrated that he can't listen to what I want - and told him that it's going to be much less trouble to take a sandwich to work and have my lunch there - or else go to the nearest park/have a walk.

But I feel really upset about not having been listened to and not being given space at home.

OP posts:
MammouthTask · 26/07/2016 08:46

What I am noticing here is the fact that you have expressed your views and feelings but he doesn't.
Why is it that it's important for him to make you lunch and sit down with you? Is he bored, feeling lonely? Does he feel 'this what you do to show your love to your partner'? Is it just habit 'When you are here, we normally eat together, it feels weird when we dont' type of things?

Both your pov are valid and you need to gett o the bottom of it on both sides. If you want to find a compromise.
The compromise might be for you to go out for lunch BUT not to come back home btw.

Laiste · 26/07/2016 08:47

OP says ''because of some upheavals at work which have unsettled everyone, I thought that on two particular days each week, it might make sense to come home from lunch in order to get a bit of space from a tricky working atmosphere.''

If you didn't live so near home you wouldn't have this option. I know that in a perfect world we'd be able to say to our partners ''I want x, y, z'' and they'd listen and that would be the end of it, but the world is far from perfect and relationships are certainly never a perfect balance.

In this case, if you love him and this is a sticking point which is going to cause lots of trouble, just don't go home for lunch anymore.

Your husband has retired, your shift patterns have recently changed, this isn't how things have ever been, so it's no big upheaval - just accept this idea isn't working and think of an alternative.

sleepyhippo · 26/07/2016 08:53

YABU

I would LOVE to have lunch with my husband everyday!

NavyandWhite · 26/07/2016 08:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

allnewredfairy · 26/07/2016 08:55

YAdefNBU.

This would really piss me off. I really need downtime and would expect DP to abide by my wishes.

I can see he is trying to be helpful though so be kind.

Xenadog · 26/07/2016 08:56

Wits not often I post in AIBU but this one has me riled! OP, I think you need to spell it out to him that when you come home it's so you can have a break from people and that's everyone. You need that time. If he can't or won't respect this then world war 3 would be breaking out.

For people who think it's great he's made you lunch they've missed the point - it's not a kind act if it's the exact opposite to what you want. He's possibly feeling lonely and wants company but that's his issue to solve.

Xenadog · 26/07/2016 08:57
  • it's not wits
SkydivingFerret · 26/07/2016 09:01

You really are not asking for too much op. I would have exploded by now but I'm obviously a bitch

Mislou · 26/07/2016 09:46

Yanbu . I also totally understand how you feel and would feel v annoyed at this behavior. My DP had a surprise day off yesterday when I'd been looking forward to a day alone after the end of the school holidays. Some of us really need some alone time to recharge and it can be hard to have to interact for long periods.

Waitingfordolly · 26/07/2016 09:58

YANBU, this would drive me nuts too. If you need space then you need space, especially in light of a demanding job, and he's over-riding your wishes.

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 26/07/2016 10:10

You sound mean op! When my DP comes home for lunch it brightens up my day. If he didn't want to talk to me for whatever reason, I'd feel terrible!

NarcyCow · 26/07/2016 10:11

YANBU at all. Your DH is being selfish.

MagicalMrsMistoffelees · 26/07/2016 10:12

Definitely NOT unreasonable!

You have politely asked for no fuss but all you get is fuss. He is not listening! It'd drive me bananas.

Why should you be grateful for him making lunch?! Just because other posters would love it so what? The OP doesn't! And has explained that. And been ignored.

I expect he irritates you in other ways too. Have seen it a few times where one partner has retired whilst the other continues working.

I hope you work it out.

motherinferior · 26/07/2016 10:18

I think that in addition to the amazed worship of a MAN who has made lunch, there's a general refusal to think that a WOMAN's job could actually, you know, preoccupy her and she might not want to be faffed at during her lunch hour.

And all this 'he misses you' - is he a dog or something, unable to cope for a few hours on his own? If so, he really does need to find himself some other form of occupation.

DurhamDurham · 26/07/2016 10:38

Ignore the trolls OP

Yes because everyone with a different point of view is clearly a troll Hmm

Chopstick17 · 26/07/2016 11:48

Get a dog, it's what I'm planning to fo to distract DH from following me round when he retires....
Then you'll have DH AND a dog following you around Grin

JapanNextYear · 26/07/2016 13:32

Chopstick17 I think I could cope with a dog following me round...

I don't think the OP is being unreasonable in what she wants - but whether she'll get it or not seems to be a different matter. When I need a little space I tend to wander off with the sandwich and sit in the front room watching crap telly DH doesn't like.

Too much togetherness is an issue for me...

Scotmumof2girls · 26/07/2016 13:37

Yabu you have a choice to have peace elsewhere yet he is home alone all day and clearly loves your company. Why should he vacate or not speak to you hats totally bonkers imho

Original poster
kinloss · 26/07/2016 13:46

As a healthy active retired person, with a number of hobbies and interests, my husband certainly does not have to be lonely.

As I work from home part of the week he also has regular opportunities to see me during the day.

This morning I suggested to him that if he has nothing much planned during the days when I am out at work, and might enjoy a bit of sociability, this would be a good time to phone friends and/or arrange coffee etc.

OP posts:
LilacInn · 26/07/2016 13:57

All those suggesting 'compromise ' are forgetting she is amid a working day and he is not.

The person preference of a person working to an outside schedule should always be deferred to over those of someone who can do as he pleases all day long. It's just needy and greedy to horn in on her brief breaks.

SteviebunsBottrittrundle · 26/07/2016 14:00

Neither of you are being terribly U, I can see both povs. Agree with pps that your best course of action might be to go somewhere else quiet for lunch.

I hate having company at lunchtime (or did when I was working) but I also understand why your DH wants to have lunch with you. Maybe he could arrange to go out at lunchtime himself? Then he'd be getting out of the house to socialise a bit without encroaching on your quiet time.

RhiWrites · 26/07/2016 14:03

Arggh! what is wrong with all the people saying "go to the park instead?!" It's the OP's house. She's allowed to be in it without needing to entertain her husband constantly.

I think everyone calling the OP grumpy must have very selfish partners to perceive this neediness and passive aggression as nice!

CakeForBreakfast · 26/07/2016 14:21

YANBU

Imagine a mum with young children and at the end of the day feeling completely touched out and haggard from talking and dealing with their needs and asks her DH to give her a bit of space to de-stress.

Her DH ignores this and cuddles her and asks her questions and talks to her and wants her to talk to him now.

He's not a wanker exactly, but certainly doesn't give a shit about her needs either.

That's happening here. the fucking sandwich seems to be confusing the issue

SteviebunsBottrittrundle · 26/07/2016 14:26

Of course she is allowed to be at home without spending time with her DH if that's what she wants, but I just know that if I was the OP, I'd probably like to go somewhere else for quiet time, or else ask DH to go out with friends or something. I just wonder if he will always be annoying her somehow or unable to stop himself nipping in for a chat. Some people are like that.

I don't think he's being deliberately PA or malicious in any way either, he's probably just a bit lonely if he's newly retired. I wouldn't LTBmake a bigger deal out of it than it is personally.

TallulahTheTiger · 26/07/2016 14:27

Am a tad sleep deprived so may have missed it, but what is the H to do when you want to go home? Is he getting a 10 minute warning order that you are on way and he is then to 'clear orf?' Does he then have to plan his lunch around this so he is not around at the same time? What if it's pissing down and he wants to stay at home??