... about the lunch problem?

[kinloss]

I work 10 minutes walk away from where I live.

I used to work short shifts during the middle of the day and my husband knew that immediately when I came back from work, I just wanted 5 minutes with a cup of tea and to be left in peace

I've recently changed my working hours to full days and because of some upheavals at work which have unsettled everyone, I thought that on two particular days each week, it might make sense to come home from lunch in order to get a bit of space from a tricky working atmosphere. My husband who is retired is often at home during the day. I told him really clearly that on these days I'd rather not sit down and have lunch with him, so please would he not wait for me or make anything. I just wanted to grab some toast and a cup of tea to eat quietly on my own. So far there have been 4 days - spread over two weeks - of this new regime.

Day 1. Husband arrives home partway through my lunchbreak I've spent at home and makes a great play of how he's timed this specially to give me space.
Day 2. I nearly buy some chips on my way home. I get back to find my husband has made lunch for us both and is waiting for my return. I feel a) glad I didn't buy the chips b) startled. I decide c) it is a goodwill gesture on his part after a disagreement the previous evening, so eat the lunch without further argument.
Day 3. Husband is out . I had known this was likely and enjoy the peace and quiet.
Day 4 (today). I know he is going to be in all day, and emphasise at breakfast that he does not need to make anything. I am very happy to make my own arrangements. At lunchtime I buy chips and wander home to find he has made lunch, set the tabel and is waiting for me. I say, 'I've been eating chips. I don't want this,' and go into another room. After work today, I go over the whole thing with him. Why has he kept making lunch for me, when I've told him I don't want him to. What I actually need is a break from being with people and talking with him.

He says, 'I want to look after you and I know that you sometimes need a few minutes immediately after you come in. So if you don't want to eat lunch straight away, that's fine.'

I have said that I feel really frustrated that he can't listen to what I want - and told him that it's going to be much less trouble to take a sandwich to work and have my lunch there - or else go to the nearest park/have a walk.

But I feel really upset about not having been listened to and not being given space at home.

He doesn't have to clear out assuming their dwelling has more than one room.

Is it really unrealistic to expect a grown man to quietly occupy himself for 30-40 minutes twice a week?!

What if he felt like talking in the middle of the night , being bored, lonely, newly retired etc? From the sound of things many of the commenters would think he'd be reasonable to wake the OP with a cup of tea at 3am and jabber away to "meet his needs". Jesus.

Not at all! Who on earth wakes up at 3 in the morning for a chat? Many people have lunch thof ether - it's not that mad an idea! Of course, he should respect her wishes though.

"Lunch together"

Update. Still struggling here.

Our daughter - who has finished her first year at university - is abroad at the moment working for a month. There were a few glitches about her placement, but ever since then she has been doing fine and sending regular WhatsApp messages to us - every couple of days - via my husband's phone. (I don't have a smart one) I've been happy to get her news and send her messages back every couple of days.

My husband has seemed quite hyped up about the whole business. Every time she’s been in touch, he’s kept asking me whether I’ve replied yet, whether I’d like the phone so I can reply to her, whether I want to send her a message before we go to sleep. After the first day or two I’ve kept saying, ‘There’s no rush. She’s fine. You’ve replied already. I’ll send her a message tomorrow.’ That sort of thing

I’ve also told him about a feeling of not having time out. That whle I’m pleased to hear from her, I’d also envisaged the month when I was away a sort of break from motherhood. While actually she has been in touch much more regularly than when she was at university….

Anyway I got back from work yesterday after another horrific day at worth and had a bath for ‘down time’ before supper. My partner cooked and I noticed he’d put his mobile phone down by my place. I didn’t pick it up or comment on it as the best thing seemed to be to eat the meal he’d cooked and talk to him instead.

As soon as I’d finished eating he said, ‘There’s a message from our daughter’. I picked it up and looked at it. She’d travelled to a tourist spot near where she’s working and sent us a photo. As I was reading ti husband said ‘I messaged her back straightaway and took the liberty of saying that you couldn’t respond’
I read on and found that he had indeed said, ‘Mum can’t reply to you now. She’s at work.’

I told him that this seemed like putting me under further pressure – as if he has to make some big deal out of the fact that yes I’ve got a job so there are times when I can’t immediately answer a perfectly routine message from a family member.

I said that I was feeling smothered by his behaviour, but when I told him this he got really angry….

Ffs sack, OP. He sounds like he's turning into your parent. The man needs a bloody hobby.

Can't believe the YABU's.

FFS, you're telling the woman she shouldn't go to her own home, because if she does, its only fair that she is forced to eat a lunch she doesn't want, with himself who she already eats, breakfast dinner and other lunches with?
WTF is wrong with some of you?

Blimey, it sounds like he's using your daughter now, to prove his point that you're not'available' enough.

Is he recently retired? Has he always been like this?

Get your own smart phone!

Let him be angry, from what you've said here, you've done nothing wrong.

It sounds like you have very different approaches to relationships and managing things. I am much more like your dh and could spend every second with my dh because we are able to do this in silence when needed, both engaged in other tasks. Also if I was you daughter I'd feel hurt you didn't reply of you could for the sake of sending a kiss or 'lovely. Have fun x' message in 2 seconds because you were annoyed in was infringing on your month 'off' from parenting. I'm not sure the situation with the phone is really a big deal as opposed to just irritating you hugely because of the way he deals with it. Maybe sort your own phone out or let your daughter know you'll be in touch on x day/time to prevent that. You have very rigid needs - different to him so difficult for him to understand maybe - but you need to try to communicate them to him fully before you give up on going home for lunch entirely. Tell him you really do not want to chat at lunch. If he makes you lunch you will not eat it. You love him but need this space. All clear and unequivocal so if he does this again you have no qualms in saying I told you dh that this is what I'd do. I'm sorry if you're upset, please respect my wishes.

I'd want to scream!

And yes I'd have to just grab lunch somewhere else. But I'd be resentful of that too, because I relax best behind my front door. I'd just want ten minutes to curl up in a chair or lie on my bed or do something utterly alone and comfortable. Lunch in a cafe or park would come a long way second to that - lunch in my car would be better, but no good if you don't drive to work.

I think if it were me I'd go for one more straight talking attempt - please don't cook me lunch, please ignore me, please let me just have my break in peace and then I'll look forwards to seeing you tonight - and if that didn't work then I'd have to just find somewhere else to be at lunchtime. Local library maybe?

Messages to/from your daughter. Is it possible you're more annoyed about what he's doing there because you're already annoyed about the lunch thing? I'd keep on replying when you get around to it - most of us have one parent better at staying in touch than the other.

You do sound massively peopled out, and I get that. Any chance of getting away completely for a day or so? Night in a travel lodge or B and B, somewhere where you can be totally anonymous and have no demands placed on you for 24 hours?

It does sound as if you have totally different expectations from your relationship. I'm amazed it hasn't come up before and that he hasn't got the message tbh.

Fwiw, DH and I are both a bit more like your DH (or at least how he sounds from posts). I have no idea how we'd get by if we had opposing ideas of how and how much time we'd like to spend together, but he should know you well enough by now to know what you expect and should respect your wishes. Can you have a serious chat with him about how this is effecting you?

Buy a smart phone, cut him out of the communication between you and your daughter and address his need to control you.
I'd be seriously cross.

Perhaps because I am quite old I am not one of the smartphone crew. I have an ancient PAYG mobile. Normally I communicate with my daughter when she's not around via email - but this doesn't work well, where she is now.

So our normal method of communication - when she's not abroad - would be a weekly phonecall with maybe an email or two between. Not loads and loads of chatty texts per day - this is not something she would expect from me (wherever I was or whatever was doing).

It's an interesting thread because it does emerge that some people's way of being is very much about being permanently available to husband and (adult) child, and that not being so can be perceived in a negative light.

Other posters are much more aware of/sympathetic to the need for down time and a degree of personal space....

Yanbu and I'm really surprised at all the early responses saying you were (have not read while thread!)
Has he always been this way? He sounds a bit lost, is he recently retired?
I am like you in that I need my space and this would drive me MAD. I had an ex who was like this towards the end of our relationship and it was one of the reasons he is now and ex. Do you think there has been a shift in your relationship dynamic and he perhaps feels a little insecure for some reason?

I can't believe you even take a lunch break! Who does that these days...

YADNBU. I'm reading the responses with interest - I get the rage when I'm trying to work from home and my husband says things like 'but when are you actually going to proper 'work'?' And stands outside the office door yelling at our son (who he also leaves downstairs and assumes I'm supervising) so I then have to work way into the evening to catch up. We have very different ways of expressing love and although we're both introverts, I listen and do what he needs but it's never reciprocated. I've asked him not to hover over me when I'm trying to get ready because otherwise I forget things and get very stressed, and like the OP I've also asked for a bit of peace and quiet so I can reset. If I can't decompress it makes me ill but I've run out of ways to get the message across.

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PSA: Take Your Fucking Lunch Breakk*

Tracy Moore
1/09/16 3:15pm
Filed to: CAREER
179.2K
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There are two kinds of people who don’t take their lunch breaks: Martyrs and assholes. Martyrs work through lunch so everyone can see how hard working and devoted they are. Assholes are either lucky enough to love what they do so much that they simply want to keep working, relaxation be damned, or are people who are too inexperienced or weak willed to use the time. You’re all stupid: Take your fucking lunch break.

I should've said I've also had this with people at work who will come and talk at me when I'm eating my lunch or in the middle of typing something that requires concentration. When you get this barrage at work and at home it's hugely stressful

I can't believe you even take a lunch break! Who does that these days

Most people

Queen are you a martyr or asshole ?

YANBU. But it must be difficult for him to overcome his "niceness". To avoid hurting his feelings perhaps it would be better to find somewhere else to have your much needed decompress. Though there are very few public places that are quiet these days.

Not Taking A Lunch Break is dreadfully dated and 1980s. It's all about mindfulness and self-care these days.

There is no real problem.

You are so blessed to have someone so caring and who takes such an interest in his family.

Sounds like you are the grumpy and unreasonable one. He is a bit OTT yes and perhaps a bit annoying but that's marriage and that is life.

He knows you need the space and clearly is trying, but maybe he needs/loves your company. Being with him should make you relax!

Your walk home is your time to decompress - if you need longer, take a longer walk.

My hubby works ten minutes walk away as well - and it is always a joyful time to have lunch together. He always says he decompresses/relaxes from work the second he sees me.

You should try and change your own view of the situation.

Thats you told OP. He's lovely, you're a bitch, you are not allowed to have alone time, you must ALWAYS be available for your husband in any way he wants you to be, regardless of your own feelings!

Or you could tell the likes of marge here to sod off, and she should try and grasp that HER situation makes no odds to you?

'Being with him should make you relax!' is actually testing my pelvic floor.