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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To Want A Nanny

254 replies

TheyOnceSaid · 13/07/2016 22:09

I was thinking about name changing for this but then I decided not to.

The question is AIBU for wanting to hire a nanny?

I had the discussion with DP and he is against the idea, he said he doesn't want a stranger coming into our house and looking after the children and that I should be grateful that I don't have to go to work.

I am sick and tired of being a SAHM before I had the children I used to really enjoy going to work, I am just tired of spending most of my time in the house, the only time I do get out is on the weekend.

I want a 9-5 job, what would you do if you were in my position?

TIA Smile

OP posts:
EveOnline2016 · 13/07/2016 22:12

Tell him you are getting a nanny if he doesn't like it he can quit his job and be a sahd

JustMarriedBecca · 13/07/2016 22:14

I'd be surprised if you can get a Nanny that will cost less than a 9-5pm job. In London, most 9-5 jobs pay a max of around £35-40k pre tax and a Nanny is around 50k including their tax and NI etc.

cosmicglittergirl · 13/07/2016 22:16

I agree with eve, he can look after the kids.

LadyCallandraDaviot · 13/07/2016 22:21

What kind of child care would he agree to?

What alternative childcare would you consider? (eg Nursery/Childminder) Does you going back to work have to equate to hiring a Nanny?

And why are you stuck in the house? Parks, library, toddler groups, window shopping don't cost anything, shopping, coffee, cinema etc etc don't have to be much, possibly you just need to enjoy yourself a bit more!

Original poster
TheyOnceSaid · 13/07/2016 22:32

EveOnline2016

Me saying that to him will just cause more problems, and no way would he stay at home and look after the kids, I can just about get him to take/collect DS and DD to school/nursery.

JustMarriedBecca We can afford a nanny, he is adamant that we are not getting one so he isn't going to part with his money.

LadyCallandraDaviot

By the looks of it he is not going to agree to any kind of childcare DS is in full time school DD attends nursery twice a week, she will be starting prep full time in September, there's no much hours whilst DS is at school for me to do anything, you're right I know I need to get out and enjoy myself.

OP posts:
Notthebumtroll · 13/07/2016 22:36

Nannies are not generally anywhere near that expensive Becca

mmgirish · 13/07/2016 22:40

I have a nanny. It is a nice feeling knowing that the children are being looked after in their own home and that if they are off school sick then it isn't a big drama to have them looked after.

PansOnFire · 13/07/2016 22:42

YANBU for wanting a nanny at all, whatever your circumstances.

I'd be more concerned that your DH is not going to make it easy for you to go back to work. If he is in control of the money and wont stretch to childcare to enable you to work then that's the bigger issue. Does your DH realise that the benefits of having a nanny or a childminder are great in terms of development for your DC and he doesn't have to focus on it being childcare if that's what is upsetting him?

On the other hand, there is no reason for you to be stuck in the house all day. There are loads of things to do but I can imagine they all seem a bit dry if you're wanting to be at work - there is nothing wrong with feeling like that at all. I've recently had to leave work and after being a SAHM for a few weeks I'm itching to do something for me and my DC are sick of me. They really enjoyed it at the childminder.

ledgeoffseason · 13/07/2016 22:47

Eh, what? You just need to 'get out and enjoy yourself'??? Because that will solve your desire for a job, career, financial independence?

Why is it up to him to decide?

I say this as someone who is temprarily a sahm of sorts - we'd need to have a nanny if we both did our jobs (lots of travel/networking etc) and we decided that I'd take time off as my career easier to get back into, more longevity, earn less right now etc. Plus I had a side business idea I wanted to pursue. Anyway, I am now plotting my return, it will obviously have to combine elements of school/nursery/nanny/childminder, just like everyone else in London. DH vv supportive and vvvv grateful to me for taking on the boring domesticity and endless grind of childbearing and letting him canter off around the world etc. Seriously, if my husband said no, he would be taken apart, and if he tried to be all little woman you stay in the home while I keep all the cash, it would be the divorce court I'd be heading for.

Is he genuinely trying to tell you you're not ALLOWED to work?!? A proper career job I mean, with equal hours etc to his? Do you have cash/assets in your name?

MsVestibule · 13/07/2016 22:48

Would your salary cover a nanny? Or would you, as a family, be worse off in the short term if you went back to work?

Yes, some women do consider themselves fortunate to be a SAHM, but if it's not for you, then it's not for you. Your DH is being very shortsighted if he thinks that forcing you to stay at home by refusing to pay for childcare is good for your family, or you as a couple.

ledgeoffseason · 13/07/2016 22:48

ChildREARING not childbearing though obvs the latter no picnic either Grin

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 13/07/2016 22:52

I employed nannies. It seemed by far the best child care option. My son was looked after in his own home , his nannies took him to nanny groups and loads of activities.

Original poster
TheyOnceSaid · 13/07/2016 22:53

PansOnFire

It is very hard to talk to him about things he has no interest in, when he says no he means no, so there's no way I can persuade him.

ledgeoffseason He just wants me to stay at home, money is not really a problem, I have my own but property is in his name, I just don't want to go behind his back.

Me and him are not married and if we were I wouldn't consider divorcing him over this situation.

OP posts:
MsVestibule · 13/07/2016 22:55

Do you have equal access to his salary?

Original poster
TheyOnceSaid · 13/07/2016 22:56

MsVestibule I don't have a salary I have savings and I wouldn't be worst of if I went to work.

I'm just tired of staying home, every morning I watch others going to work,
I want to be part of that.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheyOnceSaid · 13/07/2016 22:56

I don't have access to any of his money.

OP posts:
ledgeoffseason · 13/07/2016 23:02

Then you should def get a job, based on everything you've said.

What do you do for spending money, does he give you some / a lot every month?

ledgeoffseason · 13/07/2016 23:03

Do you have a pension, is he contributing to that?

MauledbytheTigers · 13/07/2016 23:28

And who made him King of the world? I'm sorry but he sounds like he has little respect for you. It's fair enough to have different opinions but he needs to listen to you and find a solution that works for both of you.

He might have some valid concerns but please don't let his opinion and unwillingness to discuss this be the deciding factor in your happiness, your career. Who the hell does he think he is to dictate to you whether you work or not?! Seriously OP he sounds horrid.

I get the might have concerns about the financial cost of childcare but that doesn't appear relevant here and even if it was a supportive partner would work with you to try and make it happen not just outright dismiss it. His attitude is bad enough, throwing in the fact you don't have access to his money and are not married makes it worse.

MilnersGold · 13/07/2016 23:40

Wow OP. Nevermind nannies or anything else. Seriously look at your legal position & take it from there.

I would never suggest leaving someone lightly. If I was in your shoes I would get as much legal help as I possibly could & then run for the fucking hills :(

Original poster
TheyOnceSaid · 13/07/2016 23:47

ledgeoffseason

He pays all the bills, I don't ask him for money, I do not have a pension either, I'm 27 and I've only ever had one job, not claiming any benefits either.

MauledbytheTigers

He is not horrid he is normally very nice, there's just certain things he doesn't agree on, if the boot was on the other foot I would not stop him from doing what he wanted to do.

Now I'm feeling gulity for posting this, seems like I'm portraying him in a horrible way.

OP posts:
HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 13/07/2016 23:52

Humph. He sounds financially abusive to me. Sorry OP.

Original poster
TheyOnceSaid · 13/07/2016 23:54

HeartsTrumpDiamonds

I am not asking him for any money as I know that he won't part in his money as he is against the idea.

OP posts:
annandale · 14/07/2016 00:00

Tell him you've got a job and the childcare options are up to him?

Not serious [though you could]. He knows he has you over a barrel because you don't have any financial clout in the relationship. I would say that he doesn't think about it quite like this because he's probably a nice person, but that is the raw truth of the matter.

TBH it is your own responsbility to sort out a pension and your national insurance contributions, to take charge of your own life, and this is the case whether you look after your children full-time or not. He doesn't have the right to stop you doing that and tbh I am sure he wouldn't want to. Get those thing sorted first. Start talking to him about the process of you going back to work as it sounds like now that your children are moving onto school, you will want to.

Having a nanny is the best thing ever. I 'only' had a nanny share but it was amazing. She knew far more about childcare than I could ever have known.

arethereanyleftatall · 14/07/2016 00:03

No, no, no op.
This isn't how relationships work.
Equal say in all things.