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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To Want A Nanny

254 replies

TheyOnceSaid · 13/07/2016 22:09

I was thinking about name changing for this but then I decided not to.

The question is AIBU for wanting to hire a nanny?

I had the discussion with DP and he is against the idea, he said he doesn't want a stranger coming into our house and looking after the children and that I should be grateful that I don't have to go to work.

I am sick and tired of being a SAHM before I had the children I used to really enjoy going to work, I am just tired of spending most of my time in the house, the only time I do get out is on the weekend.

I want a 9-5 job, what would you do if you were in my position?

TIA

OP posts:

Only1scoop · 15/07/2016 19:14

Just go back to work, pay for the nanny just make sure you employ someone you both happy with.

gonetoseeamanaboutadog · 15/07/2016 19:25

If you don't feel the advice on this thread is helpful, OP, why don't you hide it. They won't change their minds. You won't change yours and only you truly understand your situation. So who is this helping?

I think you need to follow up on the education idea. Presumably that would take you out of the house, yes? So there would have to be a childcare arrangement at those times. If so, it would suggest the problem is more to do with you working than who cares for your children. That would annoy me because it seems like he's not being straight.

Why wouldn't you consider voluntary work? That makes me not want to help you.

Some men just assume their wives would want to be with the children if they possibly can and they see themselves as doing a very important, kind, good thing for the family if they're able to support the family while she does this. To that sort of man, wanting to go to work - when you don't 'need' to in their eyes - seems pointless and a rejection of the family. I'm not condoning it but if this is his outlook, he really does need help to understand that not every woman is able to be happy at home with her children all day every day.

seasidesally · 15/07/2016 19:27

what do you do with yourself during the y

why no to voluntary work

Original poster

TheyOnceSaid · 15/07/2016 19:34

Only1scoop He is never going to be happy with anyone looking after the children.

Whatthefoxgoingon Just going ahead and doing it would be going behind his back, I suggested that we both pay because as I've previously written he does pay for most things than I do, and whenever I offer to help he doesn't want me to.

gonetoseeamanaboutadog I don't want to work voluntary because I want to work for what I've earned, no offence I've not asked you to help me, I have made the decision to just stay at home and I've told everyone this but people keep commenting and it is rude for me not to reply.

OP posts:

Dozer · 15/07/2016 19:43

If he feels so strongly about a parent looking after DC, he could stop work. Or go PT and share time. Bet he wouldn't go through with that though.

Only1scoop · 15/07/2016 19:45

So what are you plans then?

Whatthefoxgoingon · 15/07/2016 19:50

Very strange. You have millions of pounds to your name. You don't pay for most things. You must already have strangers in the house (or are you saying you don't have a cleaner/gardener/housekeeper like practically all wealthy people?). Yet you won't get any help with childcare, even though it's pennies to you? Okaaaaaay.....

Original poster

TheyOnceSaid · 15/07/2016 20:15

Whatthefoxgoingon Why would I hire a cleaner or a house keeper? I am a SAHM with the time I spend in the house, I do all the cleaning, washing etc as I should do, why should I pay someone to do something that I am more than capable of doing? and I never once said I had millions of pounds either.

You and everyone else have gone off the subject, I wrote this post only to ask if I was being unreasonable and you and the other people have asked about my life and income I didn't blurt it out.

Only1scoop I have already told you my plans, now can everyone stop commenting please, I will say again, thanks for all the advice given even though I regret sharing my situation.

OP posts:

Only1scoop · 15/07/2016 21:10

Oh ok

I must have missed that bit

Only1scoop · 15/07/2016 21:14

Yanbu by the way,

However, it seems somewhat that you don't want anyone to actually agree with you.

I'm slightly confused

But there's nothing new there

Original poster

TheyOnceSaid · 15/07/2016 21:43

Only1scoop I generally wanted to know if I was being unreasonable or not, that's all and I'm upset that people think I am being abused when it is not like that, DP is a nice person and I love him very much he just doesn't agree with me wanting a nanny, he is a very private person and he doesn't like people coming to visit, I can go out any time I want and he will look after the children, and he does NOT stop me from having friends, yes I'm a bit annoyed that he suggested I go and study which I'm not going to do, I'm pretty annoyed that someone said He will tell you to go to an open university to keep you quiet I haven't portrayed him in a horrible way and people here think he is a nasty piece of work.

OP posts:

Dozer · 15/07/2016 22:24

Because his actions are not those of a good partner.

You have money, right? Go and see a lawyer and a financial adviser: see what their view is.

Veterinari · 15/07/2016 22:52

OP you're getting a tough time here
I think the finances are a red herring - it's clear you're comfortable financially

I think the control is the real issue here. You say your partner is lovely and supportive. But he dictates how you spend your time, disregards your need to work, and blackmails you with threatening to leave if you 'disobey' him. Those are not the characteristics of a kind and supportive partner, but of a coercive and controlling man.

I know that me saying so will upset you but please bear with me. You say he is kind and a good dad and I'm sure he is - as long as you toe the line. What decisions do you get to make for your family? What control do you have? What about your children - how do you think you DP will cope when they start to push boundaries or resist his decisions? Will he close down and shut them out too? Such emotional withdrawal is incredibly manipulative and damaging - which makes it very effective at maintaining control. It certainly seems to be working on you.

VairyVAIRYhungrycaterpillar · 15/07/2016 23:54

I think the thing is OP, is that you have been honest but really genuinely think that the way he behaves is okay. But other readers ( inc me) are shocked that you would think so. He may be a lovely person, but he also may not be behaving in the best way for your personal well being. This could be deliberate or not. But what you must realise is that he has a fantastic asset in you, in that he can go to work safe in the knowledge that his children are well looked after by a parent (without him having to do that) without repaying the favour by doing obvious, easy things like putting the house in both your names. Doesn't it bother you that that doesn't happen? Or saying, 'yes, I totally understand it must be frustrating for you to be at home, how can I support you to be fulfilled and happy?'

Also def just fill in the CB form even if you don't get benefit. You never know, you might want a pension in 40 years time!

VairyVAIRYhungrycaterpillar · 15/07/2016 23:57

Btw I am currently a sahm, so I do get it, but I have a lot more input into how our money is spent. Ie, equal input to dh.

JessieMcJessie · 15/07/2016 23:58

You say you haven't portrayed him in a horrible way, yet you said he threatened to leave if you got a nanny. The problem is that you don't seem to have a sense of how a normal loving partner and father would behave. Take it from us, nice loving men do not threaten to leave, ever. They sit down and you work out your problems together.

Original poster

TheyOnceSaid · 16/07/2016 13:34

He doesn't want a stranger in the house, so that's why he threatened to leave, I've forgotten about going to work so things are back to normal now.

OP posts:

JessieMcJessie · 16/07/2016 17:35

But you don't threaten to leave, you explain why you feel so strongly about the idea and convince your partner to drop it, in a non-threatening way. Unless you had got to the stage where you had refused to listen to him repeatedly and were literally about to sign a contract with a Nanny, can't you see how childish threatening to leave was? Cutting off his nose to spite his face?

TheCrumpettyTree · 16/07/2016 18:19

In a normal loving relationship the conversation would go.

OP: I think I'd like to go back to work
DH: OK, I fully support you, let's sit down and see how we can make that work

You're in a relationship where your feelings and opinions mean nothing. You should be a partnership, a team. It's really sad you accept much less than this.

Original poster

TheyOnceSaid · 16/07/2016 18:37

So basically you are telling me to leave him
because of this?

OP posts:

VairyVAIRYhungrycaterpillar · 16/07/2016 19:22

Not telling you to leave him at all, telling you that it is normal to want to work outside the home, even if you have kids, and it is definitely NOT normal for a 28 yr old man to tell a 27 yr old woman that she has to stay home and wash, clean, scrub and bring up children because that's what he wants. And for the 27 yr old woman to say, oh alright then. It's 2016, not 1816.

If his mother is a judge, she must have surely been a barrister got a long time when he was a child. So he must be used to the idea of strong, intelligent highly qualified women who work. His attitude just sounds detrimental to your overall well being.

What are you going to tell your daughter when she grows up? 'Mummy wanted a career, but daddy wouldn't let her'?

Original poster

TheyOnceSaid · 16/07/2016 19:35

What are you going to tell your daughter when she grows up? 'Mummy wanted a career, but daddy wouldn't let her'?

^^ that is very uncalled for, very spiteful comment the children know that their dad goes to work I stay at home, my daughter is starting prep school in September she was attending part time nursery the days that she didn't go she would spend at home with me, my mum never worked after she had me and my brothers; she stayed at home, which is the norm for me mostly all the women in my family have stayed home; but I wanted to change that by going to work.

OP posts:

HPandBaconSandwiches · 16/07/2016 19:44

Are you happy to never have a career?

You sound like you want more than staying at home. If you leave it much longer you won't be employable. Look for part time work. Consider a nanny share or childminder if your DP doesn't want a stranger in the house.

He is being abusive IMHO. Not with money - you're clearly happy with that arrangement (though if you have less than £1 million in the bank I think you're mad). He's not allowing you to follow your dreams. He's putting his wants above yours, emphatically.

Please chat with a financial advisor. Find out how long your money will last. Will it keep you living this way til you're 90? If not, you're dependent on him and in an extremely vulnerable position.

I wish you luck but I do feel extreme regret for you that at 27 years old you're willing to give up your hopes and dreams for someone who clearly doesn't give a shiny shit about what you want.

FruitCider · 16/07/2016 19:49

Op what do you mean you asked him? You mean you told him you are going back to work and hiring a nanny? Why are you asking his permission?

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