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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To Want A Nanny

254 replies

TheyOnceSaid · 13/07/2016 22:09

I was thinking about name changing for this but then I decided not to.

The question is AIBU for wanting to hire a nanny?

I had the discussion with DP and he is against the idea, he said he doesn't want a stranger coming into our house and looking after the children and that I should be grateful that I don't have to go to work.

I am sick and tired of being a SAHM before I had the children I used to really enjoy going to work, I am just tired of spending most of my time in the house, the only time I do get out is on the weekend.

I want a 9-5 job, what would you do if you were in my position?

TIA Smile

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 15/07/2016 09:08

Noooooo.

I've just read this whole thread this morning.

I read your post of 10.14 yesterday and did a loud whoop whoop.

Then I saw your post above and my heart sank.

This is not right op. It's so sad. It's not how any happy, normal relationship works. 2 major points:

  1. If either party is unhappy, you discuss it together to reach a mutually happy conclusion. 1 party doesn't get to make all the decisions.
  2. If 1 party is contributing to the family by 24-7 childcare, the other contributes 100% finances.
Only1scoop · 15/07/2016 09:09

I'd also look at a Co habitation agreement if you are unlikely to marry.

You can't just live off saving indefinitely Op.

Get a plan together of how you would like your return to work to play out and show him what you propose.

It sounds thoroughly miserable to have to just keep the peace.

arethereanyleftatall · 15/07/2016 09:10

Yes, and regarding child benefit. We can't get child benefit, as dh earns too much. I live in the Home Counties, and I don't know anybody at all who earns below the threshold to claim CB.

Original poster
TheyOnceSaid · 15/07/2016 09:13

LittleBearPad We are still young and he is yet to propose to me.

I don't know how the benefit system works and I wouldn't try and make a claim for it as we don't need it.

OP posts:
JassyRadlett · 15/07/2016 09:24

OP, he's expecting you to take all the inconvenience and hardships related to having kids - career, financial, etc - while not being willing to make any himself.

However if you're determined to save the relationship, why is a nanny the only option you're considering? What about FT nursery and after school club, or a childminder or a nanny share in someone else's home?

KenAdams · 15/07/2016 09:26

Erm, your financial situation would change if he left as you'd have to pay for your own rent and bills.

Have you spoken to him about other types of childcare? Some people don't like strangers in the house but nursery might be an option?

You don't sound very assertive- too many forms to fill in for CB, he's telling you what to do, you can't make it out of the house until 2pm. How are you holding down a highly paid job if you can't do that?

Lymmmummy · 15/07/2016 09:32

I don't think you are being unreasonable if I had the funds I would do it

His ideas are very old fashioned and controlling is he a lot older or wealthier than you its just it sound quite uneven

Original poster
TheyOnceSaid · 15/07/2016 09:37

Erm, your financial situation would change if he left as you'd have to pay for your own rent and bills.

My situation would not change one bit not to be boastful but I come from a very wealthy background, and also there is no rent our home is bought, and I haven't spoken to him about any other childcare because he won't listen. Lymmmummy I am 27 and he is 28 we are a young couple

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 15/07/2016 09:43

If you have no mortgage, where is all the money he earns goImg? He must be loaded.

Mummaaaaaah · 15/07/2016 10:02

Could you go back to work on flexible hours or PT? I employ two mothers on that basis. They do 20 hours per week to suit them and their families. Works really well as I get super qualified and brilliant people who are happy and they get to fit work around their children?

VairyVAIRYhungrycaterpillar · 15/07/2016 10:10

Your home is bought by whom? Do you own it, does he own it, do you own it together? Are both your names on the deeds?

At least it sounds as though you wouldn't be out on the street if you separated, far from it, so that's great, a better situation than most unmarried sahms. But that doesn't take away from the fact that in today's world it is the expectation that both sexes have equality of opportunity.

Presumably he is attached to his job then, even though you don't really need the money? Think about this really seriously before dismissing it: what would your lives be like if YOU worked, you had the money, you gave him cash and paid the bills, he stayed at home because he doesn't want strangers looking after the kids?

After all, it's him who is anxious about the kids being looked after by a parent, but he's not saying 'so therefore I will give up my job and sit at home with all the boring stress and domestic drudgery that entails', he's saying 'I want this, but I want my job, so YOU give up your dreams and ambitions to facilitate my desire'. Why is that? Why is that so acceptable to you?

Do you by any chance come from a culture or society where that is the norm? Where are these expectations coming from?

I say that because I am taking time out from my hectic but very successful career (board level in big well known firm) to look after kids as it suited me, but I have every intention of going back, have a meticulous game plan to do so and my husband is very supportive. But I don't tell everyone about this, and I have been shocked at how many people in the small provincial community I am from are like 'yes, that's quite right, you should be at home now, your husband has a good job, so your place is now with the kids, and remember, you're so LUCKY.' I am a fairly tough cookie, but this has fairly rocked my self-esteem. Do other people in your life (your family, his family) have strong views on your situation? What did his mother, what do his sisters, sisters-in-laws do? What did your mother do, did she work?

ElspethFlashman · 15/07/2016 10:18

I'm very very confused. What happens when your savings run out? Even if they last another 5 years...... What is your contingency plan for then?

What on earth is he doing with all his salary?

ElspethFlashman · 15/07/2016 10:20

This is the oddest financial set up I've ever heard.

I've come across women with no access to their partners money despite being a family that are very upset and uncertain about that - I've never come across one who didn't seem to care!

TwoWeeksInCyprus · 15/07/2016 10:38

He's controlling your life Sad
What would I do your position?

  1. Get my CV ready and start applying for jobs
  2. Research childcare options
  3. If he continues to object, consider whether you want to live like that or whether you prefer to go it alone
Original poster
TheyOnceSaid · 15/07/2016 10:48

VairyVAIRYhungrycaterpillar It is bought by him it is in his name what is happening is not acceptable but I don't want our relationship to break up, I love him too much.

ElspethFlashman He pays for DS and DDs School/Nursery fees.

He has just suggested that I go and study, I've already been to Uni

OP posts:
TwoWeeksInCyprus · 15/07/2016 11:11

If you went back to Uni for further studies, you'd still need childcare some of the time, so what's the difference?

EllsTeeth · 15/07/2016 11:14

The OP has said she is independently wealthy. People should stop focussing on her being in a vulnerable position financially as it doesn't sound like this is an issue.

The issue is that she wants to do something other than run a home and do childcare. Money is not an issue.

OP I can understand him not wanting a nanny to look after his children, especially as there is no financial need for you to work, but that is not fair on you. If your youngest is going to school in September could you look for work during school hours? Did you have a career before you had children? Do you know what area you want to go into? I can totally understand how you would not feel happy being "stuck" at home, especially as you are so young. Could you try and approach the conversation differently with him? Tell him you want to get out and do something for yourself that involves adult conversation and is a bit more stimulating for you? For what it's worth I was very worried about employing a nanny and having a stranger in my home looking after my children, but it was the best solution for us and now that she is here I wouldn't be without her.

ElspethFlashman · 15/07/2016 11:27

Oh he probably will suggest the Open University next. So it shuts her up for a few years without requiring her to actually leave the house.

Original poster
TheyOnceSaid · 15/07/2016 11:49

What did his mother, what do his sisters, sisters-in-laws do? What did your mother do, did she work?

His mum is a judge, he doesn't have any sisters, my mum never went to work she was a SAHM my dad was the one who worked they split up but they never got divorced so she always had access to his money.

Did you have a career before you had children

When I finished Uni I got a part time job which I really enjoyed then I fell pregnant I always said once DS got to nursery age I would to back to work but that never happened.

EllsTeeth

I can't speak to him about going to work because he isn't going to listen, he suggested I go Uni as if I'm suppose to be happy, my studying days are over!

OP posts:
AuldYow · 15/07/2016 12:07

The main thing is the fact he won't 'allow' you to do what you want. Which to me is terrible you are in a two way relationship you should both be on the same page especially as you have children.

When my eldest was born my DH wanted me to stay at home, no way Jose I went back part time so we both kind of got what we wanted. It's about compromise and listening to what your partner wants in life. If you roll over now you will resent him later in life and he needs to start respecting you.

The money issue is a red herring, sit down and explain exactly what you want and why, please don't just give up Flowers

EllsTeeth · 15/07/2016 12:10

But if he is happy about you going out to study what is the difference with you going out to work? If you are out at Uni you will need childcare surely? Is it a pride thing? Does he feel that it undermines his status somehow if you go out and earn money? What is your relationship with his mother like? She is a professional woman so should hopefully understand that you need more in your life. Could you confide in her and see if she can have a word with him?

Sallycinnamum · 15/07/2016 12:17

I love it when people trot out the old 'fortunate enough to be a SAHM'.

I'd think myself extremely unfortunate to be a SAHM.

vickiemother · 15/07/2016 12:20

Nannies generally charge £10 per hour net (about £13 once you pay tax, employee NI and employer NI) - my nanny does 40 hours per week and we pay £1660 - she is leaving next week because she found somewhere that will pay her £10 per hour net and i can't afford to pay more.

If you can afford one and it is worth going back to work financially then I imagine you need to discuss with him what his problem is. I found it really hard to go back to work and leave them with what is essentially a stranger. 3 years on she is part of the family and actually a second mother to them. Although she is amazing with them it is unbelievably hard having someone else go to the things at school that you can' tbecause you're working (even more in my case as I do shift work). I remember picking up two of my children from school and their friends asking them who I was. That broke my heart. If you need to work then I would say nannies are great, the children are cared for in their own home, you don't have to worry about taking them home after collecting them and then feeding and bathing them. It's all done. But if you can afford to stay home then I wouldn't rush back to work.

6timesthemess · 15/07/2016 12:33

YANBU to want a job and a nanny. I work two days a week and we have a nanny tbh I get what your dh says about someone coming into the house it drives me mad - but its actually cheaper for us to do this than pay for nurseries etc as we have 6 children.

You need to do whats best for you and your family. Your dh will have to jointly come up with a plan with you.

6timesthemess · 15/07/2016 12:34

for what its worth I would quit altogether if i could.