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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To Want A Nanny

254 replies

TheyOnceSaid · 13/07/2016 22:09

I was thinking about name changing for this but then I decided not to.

The question is AIBU for wanting to hire a nanny?

I had the discussion with DP and he is against the idea, he said he doesn't want a stranger coming into our house and looking after the children and that I should be grateful that I don't have to go to work.

I am sick and tired of being a SAHM before I had the children I used to really enjoy going to work, I am just tired of spending most of my time in the house, the only time I do get out is on the weekend.

I want a 9-5 job, what would you do if you were in my position?

TIA Smile

OP posts:
Ashhead24 · 15/07/2016 12:56

What about some voluntary work in your children's schools and some training relevant to that?

Do make sure you are living your life for you, not just to keep your partner happy.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 15/07/2016 13:17

As Ash writes:

"Do make sure you are living your life for you, not just to keep your partner happy."

Don't sacrifice more than is good for you personally in the belief that your sacrifices are an investment.

What will you actually get? Sadly even people that you love can be blind to any sacrifice you make and renege on all promises when it's their turn. It's not grasping or mean to think like this, it's very easy to keep on giving until you are desperately in need of some support yourself, only to find your partner just walks away. Sad but true that this happens, even if it's not money related, your time, love, wellbeing, identity and future are all too important to hand over to someone else with no checks and balances, and no way of making sure your voice and needs are heard.

Where is the reciprocity now? As well as in the future? Relationships are about give and take on both sides. When the balance of power and involvement are so unequal, there are consequences.

LittleBearPad · 15/07/2016 13:22

Terrible advice about CB on this thread. If you are a SAHM then you should claim it in order to accrue your NIC contributions for your pension entitlement. You do not have to receive the actual payment (and if one person in the house is a higher tax payer then it's easier not to get the cash instead of having to repay it) but you should definitely claim it.

Regardless of any independent wealth you are living with an unpleasant and controlling man.

If you split up you are entitled to nothing beyond child maintenance (and as your DP is self-employed he can fudge his earnings to minimise this). Given he's threatening to leave just because you want to get a job your relationship sounds shaky.

Bear in mind because you are not married if he dies you have no automatic rights to his estate or his pension and will have to pay IHT if his estate is sufficiently large, you are not next of kin and have no rights to determine medical treatment if there's an emergency.

Original poster
TheyOnceSaid · 15/07/2016 13:37

Ashhead24 I would never consider voluntary work even though it would get me out of the house, and I don't want to work within childcare, I do want to keep DP happy the same way I love keeping DC happy.

I have a good relationship with his Mother but I'm not going to go to her to discuss this, I can't say it's not her business but DP wouldn't be happy; the same way I wouldn't be if he went to my Mother.

I want to thank everyone for the advice given, but I've made the decision to carry on being a SAHM as I don't want to put strain on our relationship.

OP posts:
Newmanwannabe · 15/07/2016 13:39

Rather than a nanny then can you use some sort of extended nursery, out of school care,or a family day care that provide the care in their home so you don't have a stranger in your house? I'm guessing privacy is important to him?

orangebird69 · 15/07/2016 13:40

only1scoop & arethereany please read the overview on this link before 'advising' about CB. It doesn't matter what your household income is, you CAN and SHOULD claim it, particularly if you're a SAHM.

EllsTeeth · 15/07/2016 13:46

OP I hope you can be happy with the route you have chosen. It saddens me to think of a woman not going after her dreams because a man tells her she can't. Our society has moved on a long way from the days when this was the norm. Perhaps you can revisit your decision once your youngest is established at school. Keep your options open and don't give up and live a life that doesn't make you happy.

DollyBarton · 15/07/2016 13:47

Nannies do not cost £50k! Just had to Ecco that. If they did there would be millions of them. I lived in an expensive part of London and my highly qualified, amazing nanny was less than £24k all in.

DollyBarton · 15/07/2016 13:49

Ps OP, do what makes you happy! Your DH should not oppose you on this. He doesn't get to decide if you are a SAHM or not. He can only decide if he'll be a SAHD.

OopsThereGoMyTrousers · 15/07/2016 13:53

Too much paperwork is a daft reason for not claiming child benefit.
Last time I looked, you didn't have to write a PhD dissertation to receive it.

Dozer · 15/07/2016 13:54

You seem to be in an abusive relationship Sad. He owns it all and could boot you and the DC out tomorrow.

You should not have quit work and need a job and childcare asap. If he ends your relationship over this then that's further evidence he's abusive.

Original poster
TheyOnceSaid · 15/07/2016 14:04

OopsThereGoMyTrousers I don't have no intension of claiming benefit me saying it's too much paper work was just an excuse.

Dozer I haven't portrayed him in a horrible way, he would never throw us out.

Newmanwannabe Privacy is very important to him, he doesn't like people coming to visit us.

OP posts:
AyeAmarok · 15/07/2016 14:07

You sound incredibly naive.

I really hope this doesn't backfire on you.

Sounds like you're being bullied.

JessieMcJessie · 15/07/2016 14:23

You say you have nobody to talk to in real life and that privacy is important to him. Does he actively stop you from having friends OP?

Have you not kept in touch with any University or school friends, do you not socialise with other Mums or have any outside interests at all?

Also when asked about whether you use babysitters you said that he looks after the kids when you go out. Do you never go out as a couple?

EllsTeeth · 15/07/2016 14:45

So you can't have visitors either OP? Please take care of yourself and don't accept being controlled.

TheCrumpettyTree · 15/07/2016 14:51

So he earns the money so he gets to make all the decisions and you get no say in anything. Great.

Cynthesizer · 15/07/2016 15:05

I respect your decision OP, I trust that you have made your decision. Even if you change your mind later that's still okay. Your kids are only going to grow up and become more independent so it's a decision you will probably have to make a few more times.

I'm sorry you don't have other people around you to talk to right now. It sounds like it might be nice for you to have other friends.

Instead of feeling trapped at home or bored or frustrated, you could turn your extra energy into positive things for you and your family. Your mental health and happiness are important too. Doing things to take care of that will take care of your family. If you are concerned about feeling negative you could always speak to a counselor. That would also help with any boredom you may feel, and it would be someone to talk to.

It also sounds like you might enjoy having something else to do in life, perhaps you could set yourself goals such as making new friends or learning something new. you could keep your work skills going (even if you are out of work for even a few years, it will affect your chances of working again, so why not use this time to keep on top of things?)

You write clearly and nicely, perhaps you could take up writing or expressing yourself in some way. maybe you could make friends online, or stay in touch with old friends by email.

ElspethFlashman · 15/07/2016 15:19

Well the best of luck OP. No point saying anything else really.

OopsThereGoMyTrousers · 15/07/2016 15:24

MNHQ please can we have a pinned thread for women who don't have access to family money, have to do what their partner says, are intentionality kept isolated but make lots of excuses for their partner's behaviour.
It would save us all posting the same thing over and over again when the OP doesn't intend to change anything

Original poster
TheyOnceSaid · 15/07/2016 16:14

OopsThereGoMyTrousers

Please let me say this again, I do NOT need DPs money he is not financially abusing me, you should have read the whole thread before commenting.

I made this post to ask whether I was being unreasonable to want to go back to work and get a nanny to look after my children or not, yes I did say that DP wouldn't help me financially because he is against the idea.

OP posts:
OopsThereGoMyTrousers · 15/07/2016 16:20

I've read the whole thread. Twice.
Maybe you should read your last post out loud. Just listen to what you are saying

arethereanyleftatall · 15/07/2016 17:17

You are being told you're being abused by people who want to help you. People who are able to view the situation objectively, unemotionally, without rose tinted spectacles.
You are not listening.
The first step to helping a problem is recognition. Until then nothing can be done.
Best of luck op.

Writerwannabe83 · 15/07/2016 17:53

This is a very, very strange relationship. I have read this thread twice now and almost every post you write OP is very concerning.

I think you need to step back and read this thread as though another woman was writing it and who knows, maybe then you will realise how wrong your relationship is on many levels.

He sounds like a controlling bully and the fact that you can't see that just proves what a good job he's done on you.

Original poster
TheyOnceSaid · 15/07/2016 18:41

You are all entitled to your own opinion, but he isn't emotionally, physically or financially abusive in any way.

I haven't portrayed him in a bad way, I do regret opening up to you all.

OP posts:
Whatthefoxgoingon · 15/07/2016 19:00

I don't get it. You are independently wealthy. Which means you must have at least a few million in the bank.

Just hire a damn nanny! Why do you need him to pay?

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