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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To Want A Nanny

254 replies

TheyOnceSaid · 13/07/2016 22:09

I was thinking about name changing for this but then I decided not to.

The question is AIBU for wanting to hire a nanny?

I had the discussion with DP and he is against the idea, he said he doesn't want a stranger coming into our house and looking after the children and that I should be grateful that I don't have to go to work.

I am sick and tired of being a SAHM before I had the children I used to really enjoy going to work, I am just tired of spending most of my time in the house, the only time I do get out is on the weekend.

I want a 9-5 job, what would you do if you were in my position?

TIA Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
TheyOnceSaid · 14/07/2016 00:11

annandale

He wouldn't know how to sort out childcare, if I left him to sort it out it would put strain on our relationship.

OP posts:
VairyVAIRYhungrycaterpillar · 14/07/2016 00:16

Yes but how do you pay for day to day stuff, like groceries, toiletries, clothes for kids and you, a cup of coffee bla bla, if you're not working? You haven't been relying on your savings for that the whole time you've had kids, have you?

The point is that you should START a pension and if your dp doesn't want you to work then he should be putting money into it every month in lieu of the 5-9% of your gross salary that you and your employer would have to contribute. I bet he has a salary.

So if he had the money, and he has the job, and he has his name on the house, and you're not married - if he broke up with you tomorrow, what would YOU have, in terms of financial security?

Do you get child benefit? If not, have you still applied to make sure your national insurance contributions are kept up to date?

LittleBearPad · 14/07/2016 00:16

He doesn't sound that nice tbh.

You are unmarried, you have no pension, no access to his money, no rights to any of his money or the house if you split up, barring child maintenance. I'd be getting a job post haste, even if just part time for the moment. You are in a very vulnerable financial position.

VairyVAIRYhungrycaterpillar · 14/07/2016 00:17

I bet he has a pension, not a salary!

VairyVAIRYhungrycaterpillar · 14/07/2016 00:17

Cross post, littlebear!

OneMillionScovilles · 14/07/2016 00:28

OP are you "independently wealthy" or something? Or are you burning through much more finite savings? If you don't share finances despite sharing parenthood, it makes a difference.

trafalgargal · 14/07/2016 00:50

Could you dress a job up as a hobby (to his eyes)- maybe some kind of small business or consultancy with a view to as the children get older expanding uit into a full blown career ?

In your shoes I'd be out and about galleries, shows days out with the kids not hanging around the house. Life is too short to stay home - with or without kids in tow.

MauledbytheTigers · 14/07/2016 01:02

Sorry OP but he doesn't sound nice..you feel like you want to make changes in your life and he's shut you down without any conversation. Maybe he's nice when you're doing what he wants but you dont even want to raise this with him again. You need to think very carefully why that is.

I'm not saying this to be mean, I'm saying this because I think it's very sad that in 2016 a man thinks he can dictate whether a woman works or not irrespective of her own desire.

Now getting a nanny may not be the ideal situation & when you sit down and do the sums you may need as a partnership that the best thing is for you to stay at home but to not even engage in the conversation when he knows you want to find a way to return to work is unforgivable in my mind. It's even more unforgivable that unlike some families, finances don't stop you from returning to work.....the only thing stopping you is him. You may say he is not horrid but I struggle to think of a nicer word for someone who makes his partner live a life she doesn't want, controls her decisions and refuses to discuss issues for his own ideals of not wanting to put children in childcare yet not prepared to make such changes to his own life or career.

Now it's up to you whether you discuss this with him or not but for gods sake at the very least but some provision in place for your lack of pension and earnings. Stop spending your savings when the reason you don't work is him.

MauledbytheTigers · 14/07/2016 01:05

Oh for gods sake I'm sorry OP I've tried to be a little balanced at least but just listen to yourself....if he had to sort out childcare for his own children it would put a strain on your relationship. So what?! He really has got you where he wants you hasnt he? The best thing you can do right now is get a job, get some finanicial security from this dickhead of a partner and make him take some responsibility for the children he helped create. I honestly despair sometimes

Catinthecorner · 14/07/2016 01:07

Well he thinks stay at home parenting sounds nice. So on Monday get up, dressed and out to your week long 'interview'. He'll really enjoy that time at home.

Original poster
TheyOnceSaid · 14/07/2016 07:55

VairyVAIRYhungrycaterpillar Yes I have always relyed on my savings, if he broke up with me tomorrow my financial situation wouldn't change one bit, I don't get child benefit or any other type of benefit, DP is
self employed.

I could class myself as independently wealthy as I've got enough money in the bank to me a while.

trafalgargal Me and the children are out every weekend.

I have mentioned it to him again this morning, he said if I bring a nanny in the house he's leaving.

OP posts:
PenguindreamsofDraco · 14/07/2016 07:58

Oh Christ he sounds like an absolute twunt and you sound like a total doormat. Wave him goodbye, get a damn job and live your life.

Irelephant · 14/07/2016 08:04

For 50k I'll be your nanny (hopeful) I'd have too bring my own two along but you would hardly notice (lies)

Seriously though op I can't see myself ever being in your position but you have every right to go back too work if that's what you want.

pinkpeter1 · 14/07/2016 08:09

And what happens when your money runs out? Is he going to support you then or just leave you to starve? You seem happy to let him be the boss of you.

mimishimmi · 14/07/2016 08:13

You each pay for half the childcare. I don't see why it's often considered to be only the woman's responsibility and discounted from only her income. I really regret SAH as long as I did and whilst DH seemed very appreciative of it at the time, years later it's totally unappreciated (in retrospect) and becomes a point of accusation during arguments. Don't do it, go for what you want whilst you've only had a brief interlude from your job.

nagsandovalballs · 14/07/2016 08:21

Omg unless he is willing to marry GET A JOB! He is keeping you financially vulnerable and dependent so he can control you. He is threatening to leave over a nanny?? This shows your relationship is not secure. Holy crap.

If you think he isn't such a bad guy as all that, then go ahead and get the nanny and probe that he doesn't mean what he says. Because if he does mean what he says then he is a massive and abusive twunt who is emotionally and financially blackmailing you.

You are not married so you have no protection! I'm not married either, but I have a well paid job as an academic and my own flat in my own name that I rent out.

Dizzydodo · 14/07/2016 08:30

If you could afford childcare yourself you could just get a job, arrange whatever childcare you want and he'd just have to accept it or jog on? If your youngest is due to start school in September could you look for a job that fits around those hours so you wouldn't need childcare at all?

EreniTheFrog · 14/07/2016 08:33

Honestly OP, you are in an immensely precarious position. You need to sort out some way to support yourself financially, for the kids as well as for you.

WibblyWobblyJellyHead · 14/07/2016 08:34

There is no way should you be an unmarried SAHM living in his house. You are in a horribly precarious position.

Why does he get the winning vote on your career prospects? He sounds like an arsehole tbh.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 14/07/2016 08:53

I have mentioned it to him again this morning, he said if I bring a nanny in the house he's leaving.

So you say:-

"Ok - what do you suggest? I am very unhappy with the current situation and I intend to change that by getting a job. Either we get a nanny or we will have to use nursery / after school care and you will need to share the drop offs and pick ups. Either way you will have to pay for half the childcare as they are your children - not just mine. I am also very aware that we are not married and you give me no access to the money that you are able to earn because I take care of the children. This leaves me in a precarious position and I am not willing to put myself and the children's future at risk. Please do not threaten to leave as a way of shutting me up about this as all it tells me is that you don't care about me and the fact that I am unhappy enough to try and come up with a compromise and instead will use threats to get your own way."

PatriciaHolm · 14/07/2016 09:00

So you are an unmarried SAHM, with no access to money from THE FATHER OF YOUR CHILDREN.

You are at home, burning through your savings because this bloke is a selfish misogynist who thinks whats his is his and you and his kids don't deserve any of it.

How can he justify to himself that you don't have access to money to help support HIS children?

PenelopePitstops · 14/07/2016 09:04

Your dp is abusive and clearly wants no part in family life. How do you not have access to any of his money?! Your financial situation would be different if you broke up because you would have to pay living costs (which it sounds like he does now).

What do you get from this relationship?

MrsAmaretto · 14/07/2016 09:06

Sorry why do you need a nanny instead of another type of childcare?

You should be trying to discuss returning to work and childcare options, but are you both just getting fixated on a nanny instead of discussing the actual issue?

He clearly dislikes the idea of someone else living in the house and that is like a red rag to a bull for him. I'd drop the idea of a nanny and get back to the real issue - you wish to return to work and use childcare.

Your partner is not being unreasonable by not wanting a nanny. He is being unreasonable by not discussing your return to work.

tootsietoo · 14/07/2016 09:21

This makes me so so sad.

OP, if you are going to be a SAHM then the very least you should have is completely joint finances, and you should both have sat down and sorted out long term financial security for you in the form of pension, the right investments for your savings etc, taking into account that you are having a career break.

If you don't want to be a SAHM then you both need to agree the best way to care for your children whilst both parents are out at work.

He MUST NOT stop you working if you want to. If he does that it is abuse. He needs to sit down and engage in a proper discussion about this.

Only1scoop · 14/07/2016 09:33

Sit and have a frank discussion regarding your wishing to return to work.

Discuss different childcare plans, nursery etc, with a 9-5 job you may not require a nanny, if he would find it invasive there are other options?

I couldn't imagine being told that in effect 'I'm not allowed to work' and should be grateful I don't have to Shock

I took 18 months off maternity and am part time in an amazing career which I love. I couldn't imagine being told not to work.

Why do you only get out at weekends?