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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To Want A Nanny

254 replies

TheyOnceSaid · 13/07/2016 22:09

I was thinking about name changing for this but then I decided not to.

The question is AIBU for wanting to hire a nanny?

I had the discussion with DP and he is against the idea, he said he doesn't want a stranger coming into our house and looking after the children and that I should be grateful that I don't have to go to work.

I am sick and tired of being a SAHM before I had the children I used to really enjoy going to work, I am just tired of spending most of my time in the house, the only time I do get out is on the weekend.

I want a 9-5 job, what would you do if you were in my position?

TIA Smile

OP posts:
gonetoseeamanaboutadog · 14/07/2016 09:35

I think he needs to talk about this further with you as he's being incredibly high handed. At the same time if the original agreement was for you to look after the children can understand his disappointment at your feelings having changed. But if you're not asking him for money (and even if you were) he can't dictate what you do.

Kenduskeag · 14/07/2016 09:41

It's all well and good, these people claiming they could simply turn up at home and inform their husbands "I am going to work now, sort out your own childcare."

I doubt the MN consensus would be so supportive if a man were to simply declare his work/social engagements and leave the burden of childcare on the woman.

It also fails to take into account that if the man is earning and the woman not earning, him suddenly having to quit his job could be quite the financial burden on the family. It's not realistic to demand someone "tell hubby to quit his job and be a SAHD then" or simply get a job and ignore his concerns.

But yeah. You need to sit a have a sensible conversation called "What can we do to facilitate me going back to work." That doesn't mean you demanding a nanny - unless you're going to earn an utter fortune. You have to pay their NI and pension, it's not cheap - nor does it mean demanding he quit his job, but it does mean you start talking about realistic childcare options.

If he shuts you down for talking about realistic things, like your job ideals and childcare that suits you both, that's a problem. If you go about demanding nannies or him quitting, then don't be surprised if he doesn't take you seriously.

Kenduskeag · 14/07/2016 09:42

Oh, I just read he keeps all the money from you.

Right, well, that's all sensible discussion out of the window then, isn't it?

jellycat1 · 14/07/2016 09:48

OP you have the right to go back to work whatever your partner says. Why would he be so against it if there's a workable childcare solution? You say you can pay a nanny yourself, but if you really can do it on just your salary you must be earning a fair whack. We have a full time nanny and it's £40k per year out of our joint taxed net income. That's full time, 8-6 mon - fri. In London. So if he won't contribute will you mange that on your own? If so you should go ahead. Having a nanny is a lovely form of childcare for us. Ours is perfect for us and allows us to work and also still have some time together. Kids love her. No hassle to get kids to nursery in the morning. No issues if they have temperatures etc. So you are obviously NBU.

Original poster
TheyOnceSaid · 14/07/2016 10:09

PatriciaHolm You are not understanding that I have my own money, he does contribute, I just don't have any access to his money.

And if we were to break up my financial situation would not change, I do not need or want his money. I could pay for a nanny myself but I would like him to help out.

On the whole our relationship is a good relationship, he has never disrespected me in any way, I feel bad for posting this, but I haven't got anyone in RL to talk to.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheyOnceSaid · 14/07/2016 10:14

Only1scoop I only get out on the weekend because there is not enough hours during the week for me to do much, before I know it, it is already two o'clock.

I've decided that I am going find a nanny then go back to work, if he wants to leave me he can.

OP posts:
dinkystinky · 14/07/2016 10:30

OP - do you have a cleaner, gardener, window cleaner? Those are strangers in your home right there. And the people who teach your kids at school and look after them at nursery are strangers. If its having a stranger in the house unsupervised that he has an issue with, then that's going to be an insurmountable obstacle- unless you invest in a nanny cam and he can monitor them 24/7 if he likes. Or there's the option of using a childminder so your children go to their house post school/nursery and you pick them up from there.

It is important for you to feel happy and fulfilled - if your current arrangements don't do that, then something has to change. And if your DH cant understand that, its very telling of something wrong in your relationship.

FWIW I have a nanny, both DH and I work full time in quite demanding jobs and my wonderful nanny is the only reason I can work. Our kids have known her all of their lives (with the exception of DS1 who has known her since he was 7 months old) and we all love her. Having a wonderful supportive nanny and a job you enjoy may be an improvement on a not so wonderful unsupportive DH.

Original poster
TheyOnceSaid · 14/07/2016 10:37

dinkystinky I don't have a cleaner or any of those things, I doubt he would be ok with a childminder.

OP posts:
whattodowiththepoo · 14/07/2016 10:44

If your financial situation works for you then I don't see a problem, you should tell him he needs to help with child care if he won't help fund it.
Go get a job and enjoy yourself.

LaurieLemons · 14/07/2016 10:48

If he wouldn't be ok with a nursery or childminder, then it's nothing to do with a stranger being in your home, he's trying to stop you from working which isn't on. It's not just his money when your looking after his kids, what if you didn't have savings? He would have to give you money no? Would you view it as him supporting you?

LaurieLemons · 14/07/2016 10:50

And what does he contribute too? Does he spend 'his' money on the kids, family groceries and days out? Or is that down to you?

youshouldcancelthecheque · 14/07/2016 11:10

My DH was adverse to having a Nanny, he didn't want a stranger in the house, however I worked on him and have one 2 x days per week and use Nursery the other days. I find my odd hours not really compatible with nursery opening hours.

Do you ever have a babysitter to go out? surely its the same as that?

If he thought that you would be happy being a SAHM until school age or beyond then I can kind of see his reluctance to the change, it will affect everyone and might be not what he had in mind with family life BUT if you are not happy with your arrangement then he is being very unreasonable to not discuss openly.

Could you approach this as maybe wanting to go back to work part time to start with? Full time with small children is very full on.

Original poster
TheyOnceSaid · 14/07/2016 11:16

LaurieLemons Yes he does, he is not greedy with his money, I could ask him for anything and he'd give me it, he is just not happy with the idea of getting a nanny, if I want to to out he will stay home and look after like the children.

OP posts:
LassWiTheDelicateAir · 15/07/2016 05:57

I don't get child benefit or any other type of benefit, DP is
self employed

I thought everyone could claim child benefit for at least 1 child? Why aren't you claiming it?

orangebird69 · 15/07/2016 06:17

Anyone with a hold can claim child benefit (and if they're not working they should to keep their NI credits up). Depending on how much you earn though, you may have to pay some or all of it back through tax.

orangebird69 · 15/07/2016 06:17

Hold?! Child!!

Pearlman · 15/07/2016 06:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

purplefizz26 · 15/07/2016 06:27

Yanbu to return to work. You should totally do it.

You should explore other childcare options together if your DH isn't comfortable with a nanny. Childminder? Nursery?

MysteriesOfTheOrganism · 15/07/2016 07:05

Why do people have kids if they have no desire to be parents? Just wondering.

Dozer · 15/07/2016 07:13

If you're not married, returning to work is an excellent plan because you are extremely financially vulnerable as a SAHM, and your husband doesn't sound nice at all. His attitudes sound victorian. He can't impose SaH on you.

If a nanny is too expensive without his financial contribution and he won't agree, a childminder could be a good, cheaper option.

In the meantime you could hire regular sitters during the day a couple of days a week to get a few hours off.

Are you currently caring for small DC and doing all the domestic work too? (You say there are not enough hours in the day). Hire a cleaner too.

Dozer · 15/07/2016 07:13

Oh, he sounds abusive!

Newmanwannabe · 15/07/2016 07:47

Why does he not want a nanny? Is it because he doesn't want you out working and more independent or because of personal experiences with a nanny?

Two completey different scenarios which could cause differing views on the way he treats you

Original poster
TheyOnceSaid · 15/07/2016 08:54

LassWiTheDelicateAir I just haven't decided to claim it, too much paper work.

Pearlman No he does pay all the bills and gives me money for shopping and he does buy the children things too.

MysteriesOfTheOrganism What are you trying to suggest? I am a parent

Newmanwannabe Because he doesn't want a stranger in our home.

He has taken DS to school this morning, I haven't mentioned getting a nanny again, I have made the decision just to be a SAHM because I don't want our relationship to end over this, it is not what I want though, I do want to to back to work.

OP posts:
LittleBearPad · 15/07/2016 09:03

You must claim child benefit - you have no pension. The NICs credits are very important to your state pension entitlement. You have no future financial security with this man and no employment security.

You have the time to sort out CB, so get in with it. Even if you don't receive the money due to DP being a high earner - you need the Security of the NICs credits and you've already missed out on several years you can't backdate.

He's got you just where he wants you hasn't he.

You'd actually be much protected if you married him even though he doesn't sound very nice. Why haven't you married.

Only1scoop · 15/07/2016 09:06

If either parent in the household earns over the threshold then CB doesn't apply.

Some people seem to think it's available to all. We have never claimed it.