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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not give a shit

271 replies

GDragon · 10/07/2016 13:04

exH who I've always had an amicable relationship with now wants to dictate how I spend my money on our DC.

We both work, pretty full on professional jobs that leave very little time for family life, neither of us wanted to slow down when we had kids, DD(13) and DS(8) which was ultimately what led to our divorce.

We both remarried years ago, exH went on to have 3 more kids (a child of their own and 2 DSC) with his DW who's a stay at home mom, I remarried a teacher. Our incomes massively differ, as ExH has more DC to support on just his income, whereas our household has 2 incomes with just 2 kids.

Now what I buy our DCs has suddenly become an issue with him, as it's making his home life difficult, the clothes I buy them, where we go on holiday, the gifts they get, he said he would appreciate it 'if I could limit my spending.'

It's not the first time he's bought up money, but it's the first time he's ever been so bloody patronising. I don't think its a reasonable request at all and I don't really care about his family issues.

OP posts:
WhyCantIuseTheNameIWant · 10/07/2016 13:07

Next time they visit their dad, send them in some old scruffy kit.
Get him to replace it....

milpool · 10/07/2016 13:09

Eh? What does he want you to do with your money instead?

Does he pay you child support? Is he wanting to try and cut that back do you think?

milpool · 10/07/2016 13:10

Though actually, thinking about it - is he meaning that his children are having jealousy issues over things yours have that they don't? Again I guess it's not your problem, but maybe something to be mindful of.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 10/07/2016 13:10

You do give a shit or you wouldn't have started this thread and you're entitled to give a shit.
He'd appreciate it if 'you could limit your spending. Cheeky fucker

ApostrophesMatter · 10/07/2016 13:11

He has a monumental cheek. Tell him to fuck off and mind his own business. What's it to him what you spend your money on? Why does he expect you to limit your spending. That's so weird.

SarahM24 · 10/07/2016 13:14

Nope I wouldn't give a shit he can do what he likes with his income and so can you.

MiddleClassProblem · 10/07/2016 13:15

Imo, it's his issue to handle. The fact that your DC get more than his is not your fault or your dcs but he needs to find a way to explain the situation better to his kids and work through their feelings.

Why shouldn't she get to see amazing places and have lovely things if you can afford it?

Topseyt · 10/07/2016 13:16

Tell him bluntly that your finances and spending are none of his business and you will do as you please with your OWN money.

Basically, tell him to bugger off.

sarahjane88 · 10/07/2016 13:16

Clearly he has no right to tell you what to spend your money on. However, it would be nice of you to consider the effects of your spending on the other children.

MiddleClassProblem · 10/07/2016 13:20

I'm guessing when she they give their siblings gifts they're pretty lovely?

ApostrophesMatter · 10/07/2016 13:21

Sounds to me as though the new wife is whining on. Tell her to get a job.

MiddleClassProblem · 10/07/2016 13:22

As long as they're not going over there all covered in designer with the lastest games console/toys etc and rubbing it in and this just stems from kids chatting about things the way they do there's not much you can do yourself.

howtofixme · 10/07/2016 13:24

I read it as his other kids do not get the same things bought for them so when your child returns with things it might seem unfair on the others, but you shouldn't have to limit what you spend on your child.

think designer clothes against their primark clothes. I can see he is probably being asked why your child gets nice things when he cannot spend the same amount on his own and step children. Difficult one to be seen as being fair to them all.

Buggers · 10/07/2016 13:25

Your dc aren't accidentally bragging about what they get and where they go to his dc are they? If they are I can see why his getting a bit fed up but you shouldn't have to cut back just discuss it with your dc.

BlunderWomansCat · 10/07/2016 13:25

Tell him to fuck off
this

Dandelion6565 · 10/07/2016 13:31

Explain to him that having two children is cheaper than 5, I'm guessing he hasn't grasped that....or tell him to fuck off!

cozietoesie · 10/07/2016 13:32

Are your DC having a rough ride when they go across there? Have they said or hinted at anything to you?

JsOtherHalf · 10/07/2016 13:35

Surely he and his wife have made the decision for her being a SAHM knowing that this would mean living on one salary.

As long as you aren't sending them with designer items for contact, I would not change what you are doing. However, maybe a conversation should be had with your dc about being sensitive to other people's circumstances?

SoleBizzz · 10/07/2016 13:35

So you and your DH work hard to provide for your DC and your ex pays maintenance and he has the fucking nerve to say that to you. IGNORE HIM

fastdaytears · 10/07/2016 13:35

All a bit weird unless he's trying to cut back on his child support. Does he pay half of school clothes etc but you choose the brands? I guess in that context he could mean stop buying them John Lewis school skirts?

Whatever he's trying to do he might find it more effective if he stopped being such a patronising arse

KittyLaRoux · 10/07/2016 13:38

His DW or DC are giving him earache.

Your DC is turning up for contact in new clothes, latest gadgets and talking about their recent day trips/holidays. DW and DC are jealous resentful don't think it's fair ExDH pays maintanence and they gave to do without while your family is rolling in it.

None of that is your fault by the way you see this stuff on the step parent board all the time, new wife complaining that the ex wastes/has too much money while they all live on bread and water Hmm

Explain to the x that how you spend your money is no concern of his. He has no right to dictate to you. Whatever his reSons are for bringing this up should not involve you and he needs to concentrate on his family.

Original poster
GDragon · 10/07/2016 13:41

It's not like their dressed up in clothing worth hundreds, it's regular high street wear like Adidas/Superdry/Topshop etc nothing to really brag about.

He doesn't pay any child maintenance as they spend equal time with both of us. The only time we've argued about money before is for schooling, kids were already in indy schools when we divorced and we both agreed to keep them in, but he bought it up last year and at that point DD already had a place at an indy secondary, so there was no way he was winning that argument.

OP posts:
ExtraHotLatteToGo · 10/07/2016 13:43

Tell him you'll reign in your spending when the triplets arrive (to even up child numbers) and his DW starts working 😊

theredjellybean · 10/07/2016 13:43

I can see it might be difficult to find the right way here.
Of course what you spend on your dc is up to you and none of his business but if your children are inadvertantly or maybe deliberately showing off to their step siblings and it is causing issues over at dad's house i can understand where he is coming from to a degree.

Rather than the 'tell him to f&&K off' approach , as you have an amicable relationship perhaps ask him where this is coming from ? Is it just sour grapes as he doesnt have what you have...or is it the children on both sides winding each other up ? If it is then a chat will all is needed , your dc so they can understand about being fortunate to have nice stuff/holidays etc and his to understand that their stepsibs might have nicer holidays etc but their mummy works bloody hard for this, and there are downsides to that.

MiddleClassProblem · 10/07/2016 13:44

He doesn't pay maintenance then he definitely doesn't have a say. Does he pay towards the schooling? Not that that matters

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