To not give a shit

[GDragon]

exH who I've always had an amicable relationship with now wants to dictate how I spend my money on our DC.

We both work, pretty full on professional jobs that leave very little time for family life, neither of us wanted to slow down when we had kids, DD(13) and DS(8) which was ultimately what led to our divorce.

We both remarried years ago, exH went on to have 3 more kids (a child of their own and 2 DSC) with his DW who's a stay at home mom, I remarried a teacher. Our incomes massively differ, as ExH has more DC to support on just his income, whereas our household has 2 incomes with just 2 kids.

Now what I buy our DCs has suddenly become an issue with him, as it's making his home life difficult, the clothes I buy them, where we go on holiday, the gifts they get, he said he would appreciate it 'if I could limit my spending.'

It's not the first time he's bought up money, but it's the first time he's ever been so bloody patronising. I don't think its a reasonable request at all and I don't really care about his family issues.

He doesn't even pay maintenance?

Oh my sides.

I guess it's hard for them when the kids see the difference in what they all have/do etc, but that's HIS doing, not yours. If they wanted more material thngs for their children they needed to make different decisions.

It is nothing to do with him how you spend your money on your kids and particulalry not if he pays no maintainence. If he wants other child to have the same nice things/ experiences then his wife should work too. It was thereir decision to have another child when they already had 4 between them, they must have known this would cause financial hardship on one wage ?

Having said that, I do feel sorry for kids from blended families where one child gets spoilt with lovely things and experiences from their dad/ paternal grandparents/ extended family and a child with a different dad gets nothing. I'm not sure how you even begin to try to make things fair.

We split the schooling 50/50 which is a significant amount for both DC. It most likely is money they would rather spend elsewhere as a family, but it's a decision we chose to make and he knew he'd be expected to contribute until they turned 18.

I do kind of feel for kids in this situation. When half/step siblings have a lot more.

However that's not your problem and you shouldn't have to consider his new family when deciding where to spend your own money.

If it's really causing a problem for him and his new wife maybe they need to look at her returning to work. I wonder how he would feel if you suggested that. Instead of you spending according to their budget. They work more and spend to your budget instead?

They have a certain lifestyle because she chooses to be a sahm. Which is a perfectly valid choice. But that doesn't mean that everyone else should have to live to your budget. Most people have to make sacrifices to be a sahp.

We all know people who earn more or have more. It's part of life.

He had already agreed to the schooling fees when he moved in and had a baby with a women who already had kids and they decided she would be a sahm.

So yes your kids should remain in the school they are in.

It's a difficult situation.
If your spending doesn't affect his directly (ie he isn't having to contribute more to match what you pay) then he really does have no right at all to ask you to limit your spending.

However I can imagine his DC could feel a little put out if they perceive that your DC get more than they do - it's undtstandable, but not your fault and not really anything you should feel obliged to do anything about. (Just make sure your DC are considerate and don't rub it in their face - I'm sure this isn't the case).

As others have said this is something exH needs to talk to his DC about - that he spends on all of his children equally and doesn't favour your two, but their mum may buy them things as she works - however their mum gets to spend more time with them so swings and roundabouts?
Of course it is also down to 5DC and only 1 income, but you cant suggest exH mentions this without it feeling like a snipe towards his DW.

This is entirely the consequences of his and his wife's actions.

If he wants his wife's DC and their shared DC to have the same, then his wife can get a job.

You're right to not give a shit.

Although I suspect your 8yo isn't going to get to go to an indy secondary on his dime when the time comes, so you might need to think about what you're going to do about that.

Tell him to fuck off indeed!

Or offer to review his spending/finances for him.

Or just roll your eyes and ignore him.

I'm going to go against the grain here and say that I think you are making his life harder than it needs to be. If your kids spend 50% of their time with him and his family, their siblings, I think he does have the right to ask that you make things a bit fairer, at least publically eg. in terms of big presents etc. It would be different if they just went to him every other weekend, I think, as it's more detached, and their relationship with their half/ step siblings would also be different, He already has some kids at private school and some who aren't, so I think you could ask specifically what he means about cutting down on the spending (holidays? trainers? big presents? expensive clothes?) and then bring it up on here so people could give more specific reactions as to what is reasonable and unreasonable, However, the request on its own, I don't think is unreasonable in the circumstances.

Also it is 'brought' it up as in the past tense of 'bring it up'.

I'm going to go against the grain here and say that I think you are making his life harder than it needs to be.

Bully living her own life how she sees fit?

I think he does have the right to ask that you make things a bit fairer, at least publically eg. in terms of big presents etc.

so she cant buy her own children something if her ex can't afford to buy his own child and step children the same thing?

So should the ex's new wife have to work? If the op has to live her life to her ex husbands lifestyle and choices? Why doesn't the ex husband and his new wife have to live like the OP?

The op and her ex have made different choices. I can't see how that means the Op should live her life to her ex's lifestyle.

Well, having been brought piss poor with a few cousins who had a lot more money available in their homes there is one thing I can tell you from first hand experience: it ain't the kids that notice...

When they visited us we played out, made up our own games and had a whale of a time.

When we visited them we played with their toys, made up our own games and, yes, you've guessed, had a whale of a time.

If you are on good terms do ask him why? Tell him you have no intention of changing how you spend on your DCs but, if you understood why he said that you would be able to come to some accommodation with him.

Then laugh like a drain.. 5 kids, 1 working parent versus 2 kids two working parents are never going to have financial equity... he made his choice and needs to find his own way to live with it... and that does not include dictating how you spend your money or that your DCs go without anything in order to make any adult feel better about themselves.

If the Op and her exH have joint custody of their two children and care is split 50/50 then there is no requirement for the father to pay maintenance. I'm surprised people are shocked over that or think he should.

I think it's very important to teach children the value of money, and how to handle their own money rather than being handed everything on a plate or bought every latest gadget/fashion item they desire.
Perhaps this is the point the exH is trying to make?
He is allowed to have a say in how they are brought up.

I think what you spend is absolutely none of his business
His wife being a stay at home mother is their choice. That obviously has an impact on their finances. Why is that your problem?
Unless the kids are turning up in a limo of course :))

Perhaps this is the point the exH is trying to make?

then he would have said that rather than giving the reason that it's making his life more difficult.

Yes he has a right to have a say in how they are brought up. Which he does. They live with him half the week. That's when he gets his say.

Merry, I didn't catch that typo, meant to write 'brought', I think I'll forgo typing on my phone from now, too bad there's not an edit button on this forum. I don't think I should have to ask for a list of what he deems excessive spending.

Aye, I suspect we'll be arguing over DS' schooling soon enough, but by the time he's ready to go to secondary at 13, DD will hopefully be off to uni, so I should be able to cover DS' fees on my own.

Perhaps I should comment on how he spends his finances and see how he likes it.

The children will definitely pick up on it if it's an issue for EXH and his DW. So would become an issue for DC as they grow up even if it's not now.

It's not just money spent that can't easily be spent equally on children in blended families, it's time and attention. Of the 3 DC your EXH is bio father to, just 1 of them lives with him all the time. But I suppose you could tell him that this is causing problems in your home life and you would appreciate it if he were to reign it in and limit the time spent with that child.