To not give a shit

[GDragon]

exH who I've always had an amicable relationship with now wants to dictate how I spend my money on our DC.

We both work, pretty full on professional jobs that leave very little time for family life, neither of us wanted to slow down when we had kids, DD(13) and DS(8) which was ultimately what led to our divorce.

We both remarried years ago, exH went on to have 3 more kids (a child of their own and 2 DSC) with his DW who's a stay at home mom, I remarried a teacher. Our incomes massively differ, as ExH has more DC to support on just his income, whereas our household has 2 incomes with just 2 kids.

Now what I buy our DCs has suddenly become an issue with him, as it's making his home life difficult, the clothes I buy them, where we go on holiday, the gifts they get, he said he would appreciate it 'if I could limit my spending.'

It's not the first time he's bought up money, but it's the first time he's ever been so bloody patronising. I don't think its a reasonable request at all and I don't really care about his family issues.

Well given that he doesnt seem to have learned anything from your divorce, I wouldnt be at all surprised if the DW isnt around much longer for him to rely on.

I daresay that will be your fault too......

IceRoadDucker, I think since it's his day, he really should come up with a solution, why agree to do things and then back out. What is the point in even asking him if he won't commit?

Given that you asked him before you signed the dc up to these activities and he agreed, he really hasn't got a leg to stand on. If he felt the children were spoilt, the time to have said so was when he was asked and before you spent the money.

Tbh I thibk he is lucky that you are covering the cost of entertaining the dc over the summer. If you hadn't arranged these activities presumably he would have to find and pay for their emtertaonment when they were with him.

Sorry about the spelling. Have fat fingers!

GDragon But that's not what you said - you said if he can't provide the same standards as you then he should have reduced contact. That's just wrong.

Of course he should honour the activities for however long you signed them up for but if he later says they can no longer do it while at his, that's not bad parenting.

IceRoadDucker, you're right that is what I said and that is wrong, his contact shouldn't be dependent on what he can provide for them, I was merely frustrated with the fact that their is a perfectly reasonable alternative, where our DCs could pursue what they want without it effecting his family. It would be reasonable of them to refuse any more activities if they can't figure it out but it would be totally unreasonable for him to suddenly stop taking them to activities that he's already agreed upon.

HopeArden, I couldn't find holiday clubs that lasted longer then a week that was only running every other week. So it meant if I wanted to sign them up it would infringe on his week, I was just thankful he agreed, their was always the possibility that he'd refuse to pay as his DW is a SAHM & so they don't need the childcare cover the clubs provide.

I don't agree with that at all. Not being able or even not being willing to allow them all the activities they like doesn't mean he should have reduced contact with them.

I disagree. The reduced contact shouldn't be a punishment. But if he can't/won't take the kids, the sensible thing would be for the kids to go to his less. Unless the kids would prefer to stop doing the activity and then carry on going to their dads for a full week.

Changes clearly need to be made. But i don't think the op should have to foot the bill.

Sounds like he is having problems with his wife and is trying to sort it all out without admitting to anyone that he fucked up and committed to things he shouldn't have. Or rather committed his wife to things he shouldn't have.

I think it's awful that a girl your dd's age has to share a room with a brother your ds's age. Why on earth can't they share with the other children of the same sex? That's how everyone I know has arranged/would arrange things. Oldest child gets own room, smallest room. Then other children divided by sex. That is assuming that it's a 4 bed house, though.

he's more of a dictator, he likes to be in control of everything & when you don't solve an issue how he wants it solved then he just acts all patronising & pissy, so bloody frustrating to deal with.

Have you actually read your own posts? Pot, kettle?

He had 2 children, he has chosen to have another, if a few after school activities break the bank then he should have though of that before adding another child to his family.

Chipped nail u have 4 children this means they do not each get to do 3 activities a week as we can't afford this. They are allowed 1 each month by your reconnnning I should allow my oldest 2 to do more than my youngest because they were "there first" it is exactly the same situation even if step children came in and a younger half siblings g was added. His finances are not able to strabismus to 3 activities each. Doesn't make it unfair on his first 2 it means dad's family has a different dynamic to mums.

Op I think you should suggest mediation and suggest your x wife comes along so you can all sort out a plan that works. Like I said your decisions does impact on their life. I am not saying that you should pay for everything however the fact you can afford to pay for 2 activities a week for your child and he 1 does not mean that if they had to drop one they have less of a lifestyle because of dad's family. They have a different lifestyle than to what you imagined. Doesn't mean it is necessary a bad thing.

I'm trying to decifer your post Enko, but essentially the subsequent children aren't the OP's problem.

If you choose to add to your family, that's your concern just don't expect a previous partner to have to make allowances for your choices, which is what the OP's ex is wanting.

But it's not s out paying for the activities, it's about the logistics so not sure that's the same thing.

Anyway it would seem it's a hole he's dug and dumped his wife in it. He should stop saying yes that's fine if it's not.

Quite Middle the biggest issue on this thread is between the ex and the new DW, nothing to do with the OP regardless of how much the ex moans at the OP.

He had 2 children, he has chosen to have another, if a few after school activities break the bank then he should have though of that before adding another child to his family.

I forgot to respond to this earlier.

I struggle to believe that if parents can't afford all these after school activities for existing children then they shouldn't have another child. And you're saying "a few activities"- why is it essential that a child does "a few" activities? Why can't they just do one activity and also have a younger sibling?
In the OP's case though, her ex and his wife have been going along with the activities regardless of their youngest being born or not. So why are people on here saying he shouldn't have had another child? (As a side point though, I think he can have another child and not be happy carrying on paying for activities for his older children. Many families cut back when more children are born and it doesn't make them bad parents, and imo it doesn't mean it should be any different if he isn't with his older children's mum anymore).

I struggle to believe that if parents can't afford all these after school activities for existing children then they shouldn't have another child.

I may be wrong but I believe he is only paying for one activity. The problem is really that his wife isn't happy driving them about. Which he agreed to. Probably without checking with her. Not that they can't afford to pay for the clubs.

The ex doesn't seem to know what his issue is, to be honest.

But when it come to the agreement regarding education. I do believe that should be honoured and taken into account when he decided he wanted another baby and they decided one was going to be a sahp.

We managed to exchange some texts throughout the day and we've reached an impasse.

School Fees will be paid for both DCs, although I did say it would be understandable if he stopped paying when DD left school for DS, he said, 'how can he pay for the girl and not the boy?' so his misogyny has worked out for me

We're sticking with the weekly arrangements, and over the holidays his mother will be helping drop off/pick up DS for 2 days and DD for one and his DW has agreed to do the rest.

He's adamant that he wants to stick with weekly as the only time he sees them is in the morning before school and right before bed and everyone's home for the weekend, so it's hard to really spend time with them.

I made it clear that I was absolutely not paying for a CM when it's his day and I wouldn't be removing them for their activities, but he is well within his right to just not take them, so that they attend EOW instead of EW, I would still pay for the days they don't attend but that he would have to discuss it with their relevant trainers/teachers etc. He said that even though it isn't fair that his DW drives them around, it's only for a few more years, so they'll persevere.

I've gotten everything I wanted, so I was happy. The ball's in his court to do whatever he wants now.

Well done. I do feel sorry for his dw but glad you've given them the option to not go so the pressure is off from your side. I don't think there's anything else you could do tbh. I bet you can't help but be relieved you don't have to live with him anymore

Yup, you've dodge a bullet!

That's a difficult one because your children have a half sibling who obviously doesn't have the same lifestyle and this is bound to cause jealousy. Just be mindful of that relationship, and don't allow your kids to (inadvertently) rub their more privileged life in their sibling's face.

Well that's a result - hopefully he'll think twice before dropping little snidey comments in next time!
And you've got the commitment to both the school fees and the activities, hurrah!

That's a difficult one because your children have a half sibling who obviously doesn't have the same lifestyle and this is bound to cause jealousy.

and her children have a half sibling who has had a sahp. Swings and roundabouts, isn't it.

I am glad to hear it's resolved. Although I do suspect it may come up again.

I am impressed GD? You handled that so well. Gave him enuf rope to hang himself! Sorry for his wife but maybe she will learn from your example ?

I'm glad you've bought this up - DC has been complaining we don't spend enough time together, and your wife spends more with your other children, so if you could tell her to get a job, then we will spend equal amounts of time with the kids, and all be able to buy the same stuff - problem solved!

We all make lifestyle choices, not up to someone else to do it for you.

Is the poor diddums feeling emasculated by your spending power? Maybe buy him a scalpel.

I was trying to extract myself from the problem as best I could, arguing over activities isn't worth the hassle when I realistically have zero power when they're with him. So on his week, he can do what he likes & it'll be between him & the kids & his DW.

I've never been so happy that DS was a boy, his gender has just ensured that he'll get his school fees paid for the foreseeable future. ExH was so taken aback when I suggested that he not pay for DS, he sounded offended at the thought, even though he'd tried to weasel out of paying for DD last year

Amarmai, 'Gave him enuf rope to hang himself' - I love that phrase.

Bran, this most likely isn't the end but it sounds like school fees are sorted, although he may try to argue over DD but I very much doubt it. I'm choosing to pick my battles & that was my main concern. Any other issues are between him & his DW.

Leaving him was the best decision ever, I'm so thankful that I don't have to put up with his crap 24/7 anymore