To not give a shit

[GDragon]

exH who I've always had an amicable relationship with now wants to dictate how I spend my money on our DC.

We both work, pretty full on professional jobs that leave very little time for family life, neither of us wanted to slow down when we had kids, DD(13) and DS(8) which was ultimately what led to our divorce.

We both remarried years ago, exH went on to have 3 more kids (a child of their own and 2 DSC) with his DW who's a stay at home mom, I remarried a teacher. Our incomes massively differ, as ExH has more DC to support on just his income, whereas our household has 2 incomes with just 2 kids.

Now what I buy our DCs has suddenly become an issue with him, as it's making his home life difficult, the clothes I buy them, where we go on holiday, the gifts they get, he said he would appreciate it 'if I could limit my spending.'

It's not the first time he's bought up money, but it's the first time he's ever been so bloody patronising. I don't think its a reasonable request at all and I don't really care about his family issues.

I think if him paying half of private school fees is meaning that his other kids are going without stuff then he needs to say so and you both need to review things. Situations change, I understand that it was his decision to have another child but his income needs to be spent equally on 3 kids ( assuming this stepkids dad pays for those kids).

Mrskeats, If I could afford a limo, I wouldn't waste it on the kids, I'd show up everywhere with it

Sorry, I missed that Wings, could you repeat?

OP you could respond that you feel a SAHP is an unnecessary expense and you'd appreciate him not limiting his spending on the DC because of that, see how he likes it.

I expect this man finds it easier to try to bully advise his EW on her finances than asking his current W to consider getting a job.

I think I'm bucking the trend here.
OP, I was completely with you, until it transpired that he effectively pays one lot of school fees. That is quite a lot out of his family unit's budget and I imagine he can't offer the same to his DC and SDCs.
I'm actually quite impressed that he hasn't refused to keep paying or insist that they go to state school.

AyeAmarok should I say it louder?

New to this and lost a long post on another thread earlier so got a bit determined when this post wouldn't post!

Have asked for the multiples to be deleted. Is there any other way to cancel posts?

The only thing he has any real right to comment on is the schooling fees as that directly impacts on him and his family. I guess that depends on how much it is impacting hin though, if his other DC are going without for the sake of your DC going to expensive schools then you may need to have a discussion and try and understand that from his families point of view but if he is still pretty well off I understand why you don't want to have to change your children's schools. If that is the problem though he should just come out and say it without being patronising and until he does it really isn't your problem.

Wings, I'm not sure I fully understood your post, I think you need to repeat it a few more times

Aye, As much I want to respond that way, it will cause unnecessary bad feelings.

I'm not sure about the financial set up with his family, but I know the arrangement is that DSC go see their father every other week and not a weekly split like it is with us.

Babyroobs, If he's financially struggling then of course I would understand that he would need to make cuts but when he brought up fees it was about the fact that he couldn't afford to send his own DC with DW to indy and so wouldn't be fair, that wasn't a good enough reason to me.

a SAHP is an unnecessary expense

It's often cheaper. Depending on your work experience and your level of education. Especially if you have to find childcare for 5 children. (Well, 3 and then 2 for half the week).

He pays for private school which he doesn't have to since he has them 50% of the time. I don't know why men get so much bashing on here.

Do his dsc get maintenance?

I think it's a tough one . If ex's new wife isn't working for whatever reason ( I suspect child care costs or whatever) and perhaps if her ex isn't paying maintainence for their dc's and they aren't entitled to any benefits etc because of his income then he is the sole financial provider for not only his dc but hers too. Now I know none of this is op's problem but this is the reality of the situation and perhaps he should be rethinking whether he can afford private school fees.

(Also you wrote 'bought it up' twice, could have been a spelling error twice, but I didn't spot others I tend to make errors all over the shop when on my phone. I think perhaps you are someone who is never wrong.)

As a sahp, I cannot afford to work as I would end up worse off with my quals vs childcare options/doggy day care

MiddleClass, I have no idea what their financial set up is like.

I know he doesn't have to pay for school fess and it's probably frustrating that quite a bit of money gets spent on 2/5 kids when their are other alternatives, but unless he's absolutely struggling then I'm going to do my best to keep them at their current schools.

Is there any legal agreement stating he'll pay half the school fees? If not, I would prepare yourself for the fact that that money may stop at some point. I'm assuming his share of the cost is around what he would pay if he had the kids EOW and paid CSA to you, so I don't have that much sympathy for him or his wife to be honest (and I never usually bring up the 'you knew what you were getting into when you married a man with kids' on MN!). If you marry someone with kids from a previous relationship, your partners finances will need to cover more than just your family.

I would speak to your kids about not flaunting what they have or boasting to his children about it, but beyond that, what can you do? Not many people can afford to be a SAHP these days, it's a luxury (at least once the kids start school; sometimes when they're tiny the cost of childcare outweighs your earnings although I'm assuming your ex's kids are older) and most people have to make cut backs to afford it.

Merry, I can be wrong, I just don't like to be. I don't think I'm wrong in this situation, but I can see why you would disagree.