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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not give a shit

271 replies

GDragon · 10/07/2016 13:04

exH who I've always had an amicable relationship with now wants to dictate how I spend my money on our DC.

We both work, pretty full on professional jobs that leave very little time for family life, neither of us wanted to slow down when we had kids, DD(13) and DS(8) which was ultimately what led to our divorce.

We both remarried years ago, exH went on to have 3 more kids (a child of their own and 2 DSC) with his DW who's a stay at home mom, I remarried a teacher. Our incomes massively differ, as ExH has more DC to support on just his income, whereas our household has 2 incomes with just 2 kids.

Now what I buy our DCs has suddenly become an issue with him, as it's making his home life difficult, the clothes I buy them, where we go on holiday, the gifts they get, he said he would appreciate it 'if I could limit my spending.'

It's not the first time he's bought up money, but it's the first time he's ever been so bloody patronising. I don't think its a reasonable request at all and I don't really care about his family issues.

OP posts:
MakeItRain · 10/07/2016 14:59

I also was entirely on your side until you mentioned the school fees. That must have a huge impact on his family budget. I can't begin to imagine factoring that cost into the budget on one salary and 5 children. He's well within his rights to say he can no longer afford it, and it sounds like he's tried but you won't listen. They must be having to go without a great deal to pay for that. It's not really fair to say "he'd already made that decision" as he made it in completely different financial circumstances.

I think it must be really tough for him that his family endlessly go without while you can easily afford a good lifestyle. He's going about it the wrong way though. He doesn't have the right to dictate how you spend your money. He does have the right to say school fees are something he simply can't afford now though.

MiddleClassProblem · 10/07/2016 15:02

But it seems like the op issue wasn't about the fees but about other spending, in which he has no say.

I agree it's worth chatting to your kids about how something can sound like bragging or considering how the others feel hearing about some things but I genuinely believe he needs to talk to his kids and explain the difference with money and parents around etc.

MerryMarigold · 10/07/2016 15:03

I guess It comes down to whether you'd rather offer to take the school fees off him, or curb the very public spending a bit. But whilst he is paying, I think he has the right to ask.

MiddleClassProblem · 10/07/2016 15:09

What makes a teenager's clothes from Topshop and family holidays very public spending? Hmm

Chippednailvarnishing · 10/07/2016 15:10

He had two children in private school, the marriage breaks down and he chooses to marry and have another child with a SAHM.
Not your problem and I have no sympathy for him or his wife.

If you had split and then expected him to unexpectedly pay for private schools I would feel differently, but that's not the case.

Original poster
GDragon · 10/07/2016 15:10

Merry, I don't think he has the right to ask at all, he has the right to refuse to pay for school fees that is all. What do you class as 'very public spending?' Clothes & holidays are things that most people spend their money on.

VimFeugo, I've been prepared for the fees to stop for a while, but he hasn't brought them up again, I think he'll continue to help pay for DD but not for DS.

MakeItRain, I agree with you, but he hasn't asked to speak about school fees, that would be understandable and expected.

OP posts:
AyeAmarok · 10/07/2016 15:11

Yes but he was very aware that he had made a commitment to privately school his own two children when he decided to move in with a woman with two other children, and then have another child.

So it's still his problem.

Private school is one of those things you commit to for the duration. Yes, circumstances change through no fault of your own and your hands are tied (illness, redundancy, disability, etc), but he chose this setup. So he has to make that choice in light of the commitments he already has.

EverySongbirdSays · 10/07/2016 15:12

In principle I agree that you shouldn't give a shit that your ex husband has less money than you and feels put out that he can't do the same either for your shared children or his own. In A LOT of divorces (though not all) it tends to be the Mum struggling and the Dad whisking the kids off to Disney. It feels unfair, but that's how it goes.

To be Devils Advocate though, is i t because of resentment over disparity or because he feels your kids are becoming spoiled (or his wife does)

My best friend had issues with her ex when they were still together over different parenting styles over him going ahead and buying things she would rather they had waited for, just for the sake of them having them eg a Nintendo when she was 5 and iPad when she was 8.

Are you buying your kids lots of "things" that they don't necessarily need?

I think it's probably the former though that both the DSC and DW are giving him earache that Alice and Fred are off to Florida AGAIN, Alice and Fred are going to see Matilda, WHY CAN'T WE? And that's not your fault, and you shouldn't have to curtail your lifestyle to suit someone you're no longer married to and you should tell him exactly that.

Redlocks28 · 10/07/2016 15:13

If money is tight in a household then school fees would be the first to go. It's all very well saying that he agreed to it, but situations change.

RandomMess · 10/07/2016 15:14

It seems that your ExDH paying 50% of indy school fees until 18 was part of the Divorce agreement so he really ought to continue with it.

The fact his youngest will not have the same options is just the reality of blended families.

My eldest has had holidays, private school etc. because of my ex - it's just life. I choose to have more DC knowing they wouldn't get the same financial privileges and they have been brought up being aware that the situation is what it is.

Chippednailvarnishing · 10/07/2016 15:16

Marrying a SAHM and having a child isn't an unavoidable change in a situation.

He made his choices.

MiddleClassProblem · 10/07/2016 15:20

Yes, he already had this financial situation and 4 kids before they decided to have a 3rd too.

If he was made redundant/lost his job then that would be different.

MiddleClassProblem · 10/07/2016 15:20

Sorry 5th should I say but 3rd in that house iyswim

Babyroobs · 10/07/2016 15:21

Why is everyone assuming he maried a sahm? Perhaps she only became a sahm one they had the child together due to childcare costs for up to 5 kids or to enable him to continue in a possibly high pressure job ?

Chippednailvarnishing · 10/07/2016 15:23

That's irrelevant Baby him not being able to afford childcare after the birth of another child should of factored into his already existing commitment to existing DCs.

Mrskeats · 10/07/2016 15:31

They made the choice to have another child
The op didnt force them to did she?
He knew his commitments

TwatbadgingCuntfuckery · 10/07/2016 15:32

Wait a sec. He has two step children? where is their dad in this? does he contribute? surely the other children wouldn't feel left out (thinking your EXh youngest is a bit too small to really notice atm) If they had a contribution from their other parent? I mean surely they are old enough to see that when their siblings go out with you, their mum, they'll get different stuff just like they do when they go out with their dad they get stuff and its up to your Ex and his wife to make this very clear to them. because life really isn't fair and there will always be people better off or worse off than you.

as to what you buy your DC when they live in your house with your own earnings is your own business.

How many children he has now is also, not your issue. He knew starting the relationship with his wife she had 2 kids. He knew his commitments to his own kids.

as for the school fees. He made the agreement with you to send them to private school. He needs to honour that and the fact he hasn't mentioned changing it... isn't your issue until he does.

AcrossthePond55 · 10/07/2016 15:34

If Ex wants to renegotiate the school fees, he needs to be up front about it. If the school fees are part of a legal arrangement and his income hasn't changed then he needs to suck it up and pay as agreed. He should have thought of his ongoing legal obligations before taking on new ones (a SAHM and new baby, I assume his DSC receive maintenance). Many of us have not had a second, third, etc child or stopped working because we know we can't afford it. I don't really see this as all that different. ExH took on new expenses without thinking about his current obligations. Flame away!

If he's complaining because you buy/do things with your children that he cannot afford, it's really part of the same thing. He took on new financial obligations and has no right to complain because you made a better financial 'choice' in your subsequent partner than he did in his. The only thing I'd suggest is that you make sure (subtly) that your DC aren't being insensitive in front of the other children about what they have or do. There was a wee bit of this with two sets of my nieces and nephews. The better off set really didn't 'get' that talking about the fun on their Disney vacation and the new 'XYZ' they got was a bit hurtful to the less well off set.

anotherdayanothersquabble · 10/07/2016 15:40

Perhaps the frustration just squeaked out the way it did because what he actually wants to say is he doesn't want to pay school fees but really, he knows he agreed to pay school fees and really part of him wishes he had enough to pay school fees for all of his children and he just plain doesn't and its just plain old 'not fair'. Be the bigger person, say, 'Sure, I will do my best to limit overt displays of OTT spending so no one feels awkward,' hope he sees the right and logic of it all and gets over it and doesn't allow it to fester and keep bringing it up.

Obviuosly in the real world, things are never quite that simple!!!

trafalgargal · 10/07/2016 15:46

I note the OP says her youngest will be having their school fees covered at least in part because by the time they are 11 the eldest child will have left school. So surely the EXH's youngest can also benefit from the same saving his Dad will be making at that point in time and his Dad can use that money for school fees.

Frankly I have little sympathy for this man. He agreed to pay his children's school fees (or rather half on them) and remarried aware of this massive commitment and then went on to have another child. I wonder if he assumed his second wife was more like his first wife and never imagined she'd be a SAHM but would return to the workplace too. Might explain why it's suddenly an issue if he has recently realised it simply isn't going to happen.

trafalgargal · 10/07/2016 15:56

My sons dad was a much higher earner than me. Partially because our son lived with me full time and I was willing to accomadate access to fit his workaholic schedule and partially because I chose to refuse promotions as I felt it didn't fit our single parent and a child with disabilities lifestyle.

If son came back with designer label clothes or technology I was delighted as they were usually out of my budget and I was pleased for my son. I'd never had told him to only buy our son gifts that I could also afford.

branofthemist · 10/07/2016 15:56

That is quite a lot out of his family unit's budget and I imagine he can't offer the same to his DC and SDCs.

he knew the fess when he married a woman with kids, then had another kids with her.

If he can't afford it he shouldn't have had more kids. Or be supporting someone else's DC.

The situation didn't just change. He and his new wife made a decision to change the situation. Therefore the consequences are theirs.

Are you buying your kids lots of "things" that they don't necessarily need?

Doesn't everyone? Kids don't 'need' toys. Or more than a few bits of clothes. Should we all reduce what we buy our kids to the status of wether the 'need' it or not?

SabineUndine · 10/07/2016 16:02

Twatbadging that's my question too. Is his new wife's first husband paying what she's entitled to in maintenance? I'd want to know in the OP's position.

Babyroobs · 10/07/2016 16:08

New wife's ex partner could be dead/ unemployed or avoiding paying maintainence ( which judging by other MNthreads seems remarkably easy to do), in which case they would get nothing or next to nothing.

whippetwoman · 10/07/2016 16:12

We have a blended family and are the family that have 5 children sometimes! We both have two from our first marriage and have one between us. We also both have a 50/50 split with our ex’s.

My ex earns a lot more than me, I work school hours, so my older two have fab holidays/stuff with him. But that’s a good thing as far as I’m concerned. I’m glad they get the good stuff! My partner’s ex has an average salary and her long-term BF has a lot, so they get good holidays on that side. They are lovely kids and I am happy for them, they also deserve the good stuff! All the kids are at state schools but if my partner had agreed to fund independent schools then that would be fine, because that’s what they agreed and it’s good for his kids. Kids come first at the end of the day. It wouldn’t bother me, but then I don’t really agree with private education anyway, but I would be happy for them because they are nice people and that’s their thing.

It’s none of my business how my ex spends his money. I think you ex has to suck it up. Just my opinion based on my own experience though, I know each situation is different.