To not give a shit

[GDragon]

exH who I've always had an amicable relationship with now wants to dictate how I spend my money on our DC.

We both work, pretty full on professional jobs that leave very little time for family life, neither of us wanted to slow down when we had kids, DD(13) and DS(8) which was ultimately what led to our divorce.

We both remarried years ago, exH went on to have 3 more kids (a child of their own and 2 DSC) with his DW who's a stay at home mom, I remarried a teacher. Our incomes massively differ, as ExH has more DC to support on just his income, whereas our household has 2 incomes with just 2 kids.

Now what I buy our DCs has suddenly become an issue with him, as it's making his home life difficult, the clothes I buy them, where we go on holiday, the gifts they get, he said he would appreciate it 'if I could limit my spending.'

It's not the first time he's bought up money, but it's the first time he's ever been so bloody patronising. I don't think its a reasonable request at all and I don't really care about his family issues.

Yep. If he wants to tell you how much to spend on clothes and holidays, he'd better be paying for 50% of all essential spending. If you're already having to subsidise him because of his choice to have a second family, which you are by paying for uniforms, he doesn't get to complain about you spending too much. If he's that keen on you spending less, he can start by paying half of the school uniforms.

If you're paying for over two thirds of their expenses then he needs to sit down.

What he is effectively saying is that he wants his own children to have a lesser standard of living then they currently do, so that his wife's children aren't jealous. (His own child is too young to know/care)

Who WANTS their child to have a lesser quality of opportunities to make other people feel better.

This is coming from the wife, and has its root in brewing resentments over the fees taking from their overall household income which is now spilling over into other things which I suspect you already know ie if he wasn't buying x, y, z, i they weren't doing 3 activities, she could afford the full fees herself.

You need to make this clear with him about what his specific issue is - and if it's anything to do with resentment from his wife or DSC the situation whilst lamentable for him is none of your or your DC's concern

This really is bizarre. I would ask him "Can you clarify, you are telling me you want me to spend less of my money on our children?

Maybe throw in a head tilt.

So he wants you to pay for nearly everything for the kids but spend less on your holidays. Does not sound reasonable or fair.

My DH spends a lot of his money on his DS, he does have designer clothes, multiple holidays a year skiing etc. Mine do not get the same spent on them. It is fine, as the kids all know that we have different incomes. Mine do not go without, and DH does pay for their holidays as he knows they will not get one with exH. I would not dream of asking him to spend less on DS because of my kids.

Yanbu OP. He decided to have more children with this woman. Presumably you decided on no more children with your new partner, so of course you have more disposable income. I might have a little more sympathy if your children were running over the peasants in their lambraginis, but Topshop is hardly couture ffs

Sounds like sour grapes to me. I bet the other kids don't give a shit about what yours have, beyond the usual teenage conversations

yanbu

you pay for mot of the dc's clothing etc but has them half the time

tell him tomind his own

like other have said-noone forced him to have another child or marry someone with 2 kids

if he doent like it he should tell his own wife to make some money

YANBU - and I'm not sure he would be asking to stop the private schooling, he may well be very happily signed up to that, but his DW isn't happy about the other stuff compared to her DCs, at 11 & 14, they are of an age to ask why can't they have X Y & Z because A & B have them and it's not faaiiirrrrr!!!!

YANBU. What you spend your money on is nothing to do with him. Why should your kids be punished because of his choices.

I have finally got around to messaging him

"I'm not entirely sure where you're coming from, in what ways do you expect me to limit my spending when it entails our children? I would like to make it perfectly clear that you have no say in how I choose to spend my finances and I have little interest in how it effects your life, but if you have genuine concerns about DD & DS, then that is something we can discuss"

I think I was much nicer than I planned to be

The children have different advantages based on different parental choices. If you're being asked to spend less money on yours it's only fair that his wife be asked to spend less time with hers. Do they have a garden shed or something she could go and sit in?

I am on the fence here.. As a child I was the stepsister who got to watch my step sister have a much better lifestyle than I did. things I could only dream about getting and holidays I would have loved to have.

Kids do notice (I was surprised to see one who claimed they didn't)

However I don't think he has the right to say curb your spending. I do think you can ask if he has concerns about their behaviour and discuss this with him if that is where it is coming from. If it is more to do with the step children then technically no it is not your issue to deal with. However if you could both work together towards not making the step children feel bad that would be a kind thing to do.

I know I would have very much liked to not be told details of their trips to Rome and Greece when I had not been on holiday that year. My mother worked and I can recall 2 days out with her as a child - brother lived with dad and step sister with HER dad so not even a full resident child with my dad and then step mother - they on the other hand was allowed to go to activities take up expensive hobbies and were given expensive clothing and lovely holidays.

It was hard to look at and understand as a young child/ early teen. Being told that " your mother pays for you and we pay for your brother " really didn't make it feel any more fair.

So I would consider how you can aid in being kind if behaviour is the issue. However no they do not have the right to tell you how to spend you rmoney.

Enkopkaffetak you're absolutely right, kids notice. I think what I was trying to say earlier was that if the EXH and his DW are really resentful it might become an issue sooner and be a bigger problem (was assuming that the children with them FT are still young though). How they feel about it and frame things will have an impact.

I was in a blended family from age 10. My experience is that there are very complex dynamics to manage and though I was aware of money in both parental homes, I was sensitive to the division of other resources too in terms of what felt 'fair' or not.

It is about the stepchildren, if the youngest is only 3. Personally I'd be tempted to start giving him lectures about his finances, if he feels inclined to do the same for you. Start asking when his DW is going back to work to improve their income, since their child isn't far from school age and her second oldest is on the cusp of no longer needing childcare. I mean, I wouldn't, but I'd feel tempted.

I do appreciate the points being made about how the DSC would feel, but I can't see how that's a reason not to keep up what sound like fairly modest clothing budgets. If there isn't enough money to give the DSC a particular standard of living, their own mother and stepfather should've taken some responsibility for that by not having another child and should consider the new DSM returning to work as soon as it's financially viable.

Enkopf. I struggle to understand one child being treated differently inside a blended family. What the ex partner and other parent does is immaterial. All children should be treated equally within the newly blended family. So I don't agree with what Blueberry said upthread about her own children.

Your message seems very measured op.

Circumstances change. If you and your ex were still together and one of you lost your job, you would probably reconsider private schooling on that basis. Although your lifestyle hasn't changed, it seems as though he needs to adapt his based on wages and the children he is now supporting. I don't think he should be put down for that.

I think it sounds like he is struggling to find the finances to fund his family with the current set up and things may need to change. Yes, he probably should have gone about it differently and just said that honestly if that is the case rather than trying to control your finances.

And btw OP... GD & TOP

What maryjones said.

Alright so we managed to talk over the phone and their doesn't seem to be one specific problem, it's a general thing.

1. He doesn't think that it's fair that his DW has to drive his kids around to activities multiple times a week & has to bring along her kids or leave them at home. I told him he was well within his rights to cut back on work so that he could do it himself or hire a CM to do it. That didn't go down well.

1. Their attitude. The kids are staying with him this week & they all went out to a funfair yesterday. It was about £3/4 per ride, per child. Each child got £15 and when DS finished his £15 & asked for more, he was told no & then replied "well Mum would let me." I told him he's 8 & that it's not that big of a deal but I would talk to him about it.

1. DD doesn't want to go on holiday with them this year, they're going to Wales to visit family and he's blamed that on me taking them on fancy holidays every few weeks. I've only taken them on 2 holidays, once over Christmas & then Easter so massive exaggeration there.

1. DD & DS don't know how to share their things. He couldn't give me specifics, but he was adamant that their not sharers and they need to learn how to be fair.

That was it really, none of it really had anything to do with my spending, I don't think he was entirely upfront, no mention of school fees whatsoever or clothing. He has an issue with holidays and their attitude, he seemed very annoyed on the phone & couldn't explain himself very well.

OP - it'll be interesting to see how he replies!

I wouldn't be prepared to negotiate re DS's School Fees either. You agreed you would send your children to Private School. You can't send the oldest & not the youngest - that's completely unfair on them (unless there are other reasons for it eg suitability).

He chose to enter into another relationship and one that came with two children, he then chose to have another child. He did all of that knowing he had a financial commitment to his children. It really doesn't matter who it's to, or what it's for, it's an existing financial commitment. It's up to him how he continues to finance it. HOW NOT IF.

Renotry You know what my username stands for I've never met another adult who gets it GD/Seungri all the way

Sorry, I know you said you would pay for DS, what I meant was HE can't say I'll pay for DD but not for DS.

Enkopkaffetak I think your situation sounded much tougher. In this one though l, OP is not related to any of the other children although her dcs are. It's different if one was hers and she was spoiling the others as was the case with you, being your dad spoiling your step sister. That sounds extremely harsh

You seem quite smug about number one OP. His wife runs your kids to multiple activities each week? I can see why she is miffed off about that tbh. Taxi service springs to mind.
You already know that they're struggling yet you suggest he cuts his hours when he really can't. Are you in any position to take your kids yourself, or is it a case of his day his problem?

Personally I think she should stop doing it and if they don't make it because the parents are both busy then oh well.

1: Brilliant answer!
2: Yep 8. 'I'm not your Mum' is all he needed to say.
3: Teenager, Wales, to visit family. He's surprised she's not jumping for joy?
4: Does he mean let the other children use their things whenever they want to? I don't make siblings do that. Their things are their things to choose to lend or not. Sharing isn't all it's cracked up to be. As long as they share communal stuff & food nicely, job done.

Maybe DW was listening in.

I infer from 4 that the DC and DSC are fighting over possessions belonging to your DC an iPad for example.

It isn't solely your job to teach them to share

His kids
His day
His problem

How he & his DW sort out their childcare is up to them, but when you have 50/50 care it's your responsibility to get your kids to their activities on your weeks.

Either DW takes them, ExDh changes his hours, or he hires after school help.