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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not give a shit

271 replies

GDragon · 10/07/2016 13:04

exH who I've always had an amicable relationship with now wants to dictate how I spend my money on our DC.

We both work, pretty full on professional jobs that leave very little time for family life, neither of us wanted to slow down when we had kids, DD(13) and DS(8) which was ultimately what led to our divorce.

We both remarried years ago, exH went on to have 3 more kids (a child of their own and 2 DSC) with his DW who's a stay at home mom, I remarried a teacher. Our incomes massively differ, as ExH has more DC to support on just his income, whereas our household has 2 incomes with just 2 kids.

Now what I buy our DCs has suddenly become an issue with him, as it's making his home life difficult, the clothes I buy them, where we go on holiday, the gifts they get, he said he would appreciate it 'if I could limit my spending.'

It's not the first time he's bought up money, but it's the first time he's ever been so bloody patronising. I don't think its a reasonable request at all and I don't really care about his family issues.

OP posts:
EverySongbirdSays · 11/07/2016 18:22

If this thread has left me with any ultimate opinion of your situation its that your XH doesn't care about how his custody and financial arrangements impact anyone but himself, his DW is clearly doing the lions share when they are with him, but the arrangement suits his needs and so will continue. And his son is more important than his daughter. You are WELL RID OP.

Michaelsmummy2016 · 11/07/2016 18:24

I agree sounds like sour grapes from the new wife he has no right to tell you what spend your money on. You'd think he would be pleased that you are doing your best to give your children the best that you can. In my experience this is not something that a man would think of even let alone speak in words and it is most certainly coming from a different direction.

Michaelsmummy2016 · 11/07/2016 18:25

Tell her to stop breeding and get a job

MeAndMy3LovelyBoys · 11/07/2016 18:50

Hmmm she's hardly popping kids out is she Hmm
As for telling a SAHM to get a job, tell that to all the SAHMs.

SoupDragon · 11/07/2016 18:50

Are you usually that nasty, Michaelsmummy2016?

Original poster
GDragon · 11/07/2016 19:05

I don't have an issue with the DW, as I've said before her choosing to work or stay at home has nothing to do with me & doesn't effect me, that's a decision they've chosen, I only brought it up in the initial post to show the disparity in income between the two households.

OP posts:
Jessikita · 11/07/2016 19:08

Not read the whole thread but it is a difficult one to call with blended families.

My Hubby has two kids with his ex and two with me. His ex has a further two children with someone else.

His eldest lives with us and the daughter stayed with her Mum.

We are considerably better off than her so Stepkids get to go on nice holidays abroad and were high street designer clothes etc and go on expensive trips out and I'm sure they tell their younger half siblings about this.

I do feel for them as I'm quite fond of them (I've taken them out a few times and had them over to play) but it's not my fault.

I chose very different life choices to her which aren't my fault l.

HopeArden · 11/07/2016 19:28

Sounds like a good result all round. His dw will have some help with all the ferrying around and you got some reassurance about the school fees and the dc still get to do the activities that he agreed to.

Pissedoffinsomniac · 11/07/2016 19:39

So, he doesn't pay any maintenance and is complaining that you're essentially making him look like a tight bastard? Tell him to do one! You can spend your hard earned money how you want!

Greenyogagirl · 11/07/2016 19:44

If it all crops up again your children are legally old enough to decide where they want to live. Glad it's sorted for now though X

PridePrejudiceZombies · 11/07/2016 20:25

With one preschool child, 1 junior school child, 1 junior school child 50% of the time and fairly extensive chaffeur duties, we really can't assume DW would improve the family income by taking a job. Given that they have an 11 year old and a 3 year old, the childcare needs are potentially going to change quite drastically in a year or two, but her working may not even be affordable at the moment.

Pissedoff he wouldn't pay maintenance as they have a 50/50 arrangement. The problem is that he's not paying his 50% of the kids basic costs.

pamhill64 · 11/07/2016 21:06

I guess he's feeling a little like the poor relation here, even if he is a bit out of order. Think about it from the other point of view. What if you were a single parent on low income and your ex was splashing the cash on DC? Sometimes in a divorce parents think they have to buy love and time with their kids and it can become a competition between them. Reassure him they don't care about what they wear or what's bought for them by ex hubby, they love spending quality time and that doesn't have to cost a lot. Just double check your DC aren't rubbing it in with his DC and bragging about stuff they have as that wouldn't be fair. His point may be that he doesn't want obvious unfairness to be seen between the group of DC. Well done on being friendly with exH as so many people ruin it for their DCs with battling.

RandomMess · 11/07/2016 22:15

TBH it sounds like the issue is that he is a sexist pr*ck - he agrees all this stuff without discussing with his DW and she has all the work dumped on her.

Wonder if they'll end up divorced at some point!!!

I wonder how long before your DD votes with her feet to...

You def dodged bullet!

cloudspotter · 11/07/2016 22:29

Ouch - some of the replies here are very inflammatory. But real life isn't just an internet forum, there are consequences.

I think it's a marker of his trust of you that he feels he can be honest with you about the difficulties at home. He's asking for a bit of support in helping avoid big resentments and divides on his side.

Your kids are part of his family too, and you are still joined together in a way by them. Youre quite entitled to say no to his request, without telling him to F-off!

I suspect there's a little bit of (maybe) understandable one-upmanship going on. We're all human. His dw doesn't work, and to be fair, with 5 kids in total to look after, that sounds reasonable.

Try to be charitable, be kind. It's always better in the long run.

LemurintheSun · 12/07/2016 07:38

YABU. I really think you should bear in mind the many advantages of an amicable relationship with DH; and between your DC and their new siblings. Don't talk to us, talk to DH. Find out what has led him to comment, and consider whether there is anything you could do to help resolve the issues. That's the more mature approach.

Confusednotcom · 12/07/2016 08:20

Sorry but it's not up to him - he and his DW made different life choices and that has consequences; they have DC with a SAHM and many kids, whereas yours get the benefit of your salary as you work. You absolutely don't need to limit your spending!! I'd agree talking to him is a good idea. He needs to big up the positives of his family life to his children. No family has identical means and parental resources!

clarkl2 · 12/07/2016 10:24

just send your kids in their older clothes when they visit. what you buy them and where you go on holiday is up to you..... i would ensure however that your kids are behaving like spoilt brats with up peoples kids. nothing worse that kids that brag about status symbols....

happybee1 · 12/07/2016 18:54

I think I may be a little biased as I am a single parent with 4 kids. My DH is dead so obviously things are tight. My dc's have less than cousins etc, they know it but that's part of life Imo. I think the issue is probably the school fees and then it may be perceived that they could afford more nice things if dc's went to state school. I don't personally think it's fair to make comments about Sahm because childcare is so expensive and there may be other issues. You can't really help who you fall in love with. At the end of the day it's just material things but I would try to have an in depth discussion about finances and why the issue was raised.

Flumpsnlumpsnstuff · 13/07/2016 13:35

I do think by law if your DD is over the age of 10yrs sharing a bedroom is illegal. I may be wrong but when I was younger we needed a temporary council flat and a 2 bed was refused to my dp's because I would have to share with my DB. So you may want to check if that's the case, besides the legal aspect your poor DD is at an age were privacy is really important so to have her DB sharing is definitely a no no for me. I think your ex and his DW need to stop thinking of whet suits them and more about all 'their ' children and I'm sorry but it is his DW responsibility aswell she married a man with 2 children so she agreed to treat them as her own. For what it's worth I'm a 2nd mum to 3 other children and their are many disparities but I teach them all to remember the blessings they may have that the others don't and that tends to stop jealous behaviour.

MiddleClassProblem · 13/07/2016 13:51

It's not illegal! It's just not advised. They can't make it illegal when they are putting up while families in Bnbs/hotels/small flats.

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