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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to do this?

206 replies

NipplyNamechanger · 04/05/2016 09:44

I have 3 DC. Each birth has been followed by massive PPHs and I've been put into an induced coma for 24-48 hours afterwards. It's hugely stressful for my husband to see me that way.

First baby was an IVF baby after 4 heartbreaking attempts. Haven't used any contraception since as didn't believe I could get pregnant naturally (but evidently I can). I'd happily have 100 babies.

Someone has said that I/we are being extremely selfish to keep having babies when I could potentially have a fatal bleed afterwards (as I did with my first) and leave the children motherless. We aren't close to the hospital and only just got there in time for number 3. I don't think about the risks because I think each child is a gift.

AIBU?

OP posts:
sunnyoutside · 04/05/2016 09:47

I'll be perfectly honest with you. You have 3 healthy lovely dc. I would stop now. I understand the desire for a baby but I think you have to put your living children before any future children.

Flowers to you

TormundGiantsbabe · 04/05/2016 09:49

I wouldn't risk it for any more children of you already have three. Every child may be a gift but so is having a mother around as you grow up. My mum took stupid risks with her health and died because of it. I was in my early twenties so not a child but it's awful how often I still feel I really could do with my mum around.

sunnyoutside · 04/05/2016 09:50

torm My mum took risks too and I lost her when I was 16. It is hard isn't it?

OP be there for the dc you have.

dowhatnow · 04/05/2016 09:50

If you love those children as much as you say you do, you wouldn't risk them being motherless. You have been lucky so far. What happens if your luck runs out.

Put your current childrens need for a mother above your own need for another baby. Putting their needs before your own is the definition of being a good mother.

gamerchick · 04/05/2016 09:50

you would be OK with your kids potentially losing their mother because of your desire to keep sprogging?

I wouldn't be, it's not fair to expect your husband to see you hooked up to life support. I've done the watching over an induced coma and it's fucking traumatising.

So in that respect yes I think you're selfish.

WorraLiberty · 04/05/2016 09:51

I agree with the previous posters.

I think you need to consider the 3 lovely children you already have.

Everyone thinks 'It will never happen to me', but obviously it does.

SharingMichelle · 04/05/2016 09:52

Are you pregnant now or thinking about another?

I think if I were in your position I wouldn't have any more because my burning priority would be to the three I already have. But that's me - and things are rarely simple when you add the emotional factors of wanting another child.

I think to say that every child is a 'gift' is rather abdicating yourself of the responsibility of willingly putting yourself through a risky pregnancy and birth. It's not all out of your hands, and whatever decision you make should be made thoughtfully and seriously.

herecomethepotatoes · 04/05/2016 09:54

In balance, yes, I think.

Congratulations. When are you due?

sunnyoutside · 04/05/2016 09:56

At the risk of a flaming I don't subscribe to the romantic notion that every child is a gift. Yes it is wonderful when they are born, yes our love for them is immense. But first and foremost every child is a responsibilty. As a parent we have a duty to do our best by them. That means being around for as long as possible. Using flowery language about a new life doesn't stop the reality. The reality is you have 3 lovely dc. They need and deserve you to be around for a long while.

unexpsoc · 04/05/2016 09:57

My wife and I have 2 children, and I have 1 from a previous relationship. Both times my wife has been at severe risk. Having watched her almost die twice to bring us 2 beautiful children I now refuse to have any more.

YANBU. It is your body and your choice. You might die giving birth and your children could go on to have a great life without you. Nobody can know. But at the point you die, you will not know either. You will not see them grow up. You will not see them blossom. You will not be there to feel the joy and the love you do right now. Are you willing to give that up?

Blueberry234 · 04/05/2016 10:00

Sorry I agree with the others, I would love to continue having children but physically it isn't a sensible option. Sometimes you have to be sensible and responsible towards the children who are here.
Just because you can have children doesn't mean you should.

Original poster
NipplyNamechanger · 04/05/2016 10:01

Youngest baby is only a few weeks old so not pregnant currently. I just hadn't really thought about this being the last one. Someone commented that he would surely be the last and when I asked why they said because it was so selfish to keep going when I know I could die. They said I wouldn't PPH with number 2 so didn't prepare for the possibility. They prepared for number 3 but the labour was much shorter than anyone expected.

My mum died a few weeks after number 1 was born. I'm 1 of 4 so I think I expected to have at least 4 children.

Just feeling a bit knocked for six.

OP posts:
NeedACleverNN · 04/05/2016 10:02

Yabu.

Forget about your desire to have another baby for a moment.

Now look at the children you already have. Imagine their heartbreak at losing you. Look at your husband. Look at how traumatised he most likely was knowing you have to be put into a coma. Now picture him as if you had just died.

He would have to cope with 3 children who had just lost their mum and potentially another new born infant.

Too much stress for one person to cope with alone

sunnyoutside · 04/05/2016 10:03

Oh lovey. I think this is all tied up with your mum (so sorry to hear that Flowers ) plus the hormones that come with a newborn.

Be kind to yourself. I wish I had better advice.

Kn33 · 04/05/2016 10:06

I'm surprised DH is ok with having more Hmm
If that were mine he would be saying hell no!
He completely freaks about the thought of anything happening to me and there's been no good reason for him to worry.

Princesspinkgirl · 04/05/2016 10:07

Honestly it's not worth possibly dying for you're youngest is just a few weeks old go enjoy your children take care and congratulations on your new arrival

originalusernamefail · 04/05/2016 10:08

YABU I have 2DS and would secretly love a 3rd however I have a terrible time pregnant. HG and SPD, low blood pressure etc leave me bed bound for much of the pregnancy. I won't put my existing family through that again, and my life is not in danger! I work in an ICU and to sedate someone (induced coma) is an absolute last resort due to the risks involved (infection / heart attack / death) the fact you have survived unscathed thus far is practically a miracle. Your children need their mother more than they need a new sibling.

thatorchidmoment · 04/05/2016 10:10

It's unclear whether you are pregnant now: if you are, you need to be making a clear plan with your obstetrician for delivery to try to avoid a further PPH. If not, I think you need to weigh up the chances of leaving potentially four children motherless if you decide to try for another. I know it doesn't often happen, but your obstetric history is quite scary. And I do know a family personally where the mother unexpectedly died while giving birth, leaving several children behind. It is a terrible, terrible tragedy, and has had a huge impact not only on the immediate family, but also putting a lot of strain on others around them.
I would just add that, although it is your body and your decision whether or not to try to get pregnant again, you need to involve your DH in this decision. You are not in isolation, as you have responsibilities to the family you have already. He is the father of your other children, and you definitely need to find out his thoughts if you haven't already.

dowhatnow · 04/05/2016 10:13

I can understand you being knocked for six but you have been lucky so far. Wouldn't you prefer to have a lifetime to continue having the joy of the children you have rather than cutting that joy short by dying - which realistically is a possibility.

Then consider the trauma for your children and DH if you do die.

It's a no brainer really but go easy on yourself for the emotions you are bound to feel. It will be like grieving for that lost potential child. But it would be far harder for your family to grieve you.

TormundGiantsbabe · 04/05/2016 10:14

sunny Flowers

Op, I have had similar feelings after my second baby as I am one of three so three children always seemed like the natural number of children for me. In reality, I think we will be better able to care for and provide for only two children in the long term and I suspect my desire for a third child is all tied up with my grief for my mum and secret wish to fix my own childhood. I have a list as long as my arm with reasons NOT to have a third baby, but on the yes side I can only think that it would be lovely to have three.

crazywriter · 04/05/2016 10:16

I almost died having my 1st. We spoke a lot about a second and talked with doctors to find out if we could limit the damage. We could and I had my second withost any problems. In fact the bleed was less than average with the second. I've said I'm done now. There's no guarantee that a 3rd time would go as smoothly as the first and I was constantly under midwife and consultant care for 2nd which meant extra appts.

Do you really want to run the risk of leaving your children without a mother? It's not worth the risk.

BoffinMum · 04/05/2016 10:21

I don't think it would be right to have any more. Most of us would like to have loads but we have to be realistic about balancing this with caring for the existing ones. I haven't had another because I would probably lose the ability to walk altogether. And that is fair enough. You need to look for more out of life than the admittedly addictive process of having babies.

VimFuego101 · 04/05/2016 10:23

I can completely understand your desire to have more than one child, so I can see why you went for 2 and 3 - but if your next labor is even quicker and you don't make it to hospital in time it could be extremely risky. In your shoes, I would stop.

dowhatnow · 04/05/2016 10:23

People often have to stop before their ideal number purely for financial reasons. Lots of other reasons too. This situation is probably the most important reason to stop before you want to.

Pinkheart5915 · 04/05/2016 10:23

I would stop at the 3 healthy Dc you have as it is a big ask for your body each time you have a child.
I don't think I wouldn't personally run the risk of my children being without a mother.