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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to do this?

206 replies

NipplyNamechanger · 04/05/2016 09:44

I have 3 DC. Each birth has been followed by massive PPHs and I've been put into an induced coma for 24-48 hours afterwards. It's hugely stressful for my husband to see me that way.

First baby was an IVF baby after 4 heartbreaking attempts. Haven't used any contraception since as didn't believe I could get pregnant naturally (but evidently I can). I'd happily have 100 babies.

Someone has said that I/we are being extremely selfish to keep having babies when I could potentially have a fatal bleed afterwards (as I did with my first) and leave the children motherless. We aren't close to the hospital and only just got there in time for number 3. I don't think about the risks because I think each child is a gift.

AIBU?

OP posts:
WellErrr · 05/05/2016 11:06

.....but I won't report as I see that others already have.

Only1scoop · 05/05/2016 11:08

I've also reported the nipplynamechanger

curren · 05/05/2016 11:24

The other DILs have mums etc that help them. I have an alcoholic father and stepmother and that's it.

ah so one set of parents help them. So that entitles you to use so much of their time up that they can't see their other grandkids, unless they go to them. Your pils have a right to have a relationship with all their grandkids. The grandkids should be able to see their grandparents.

I don't think it would have been fair for them to reduce the time they spent with our children just because other grandchildren arrived, would it?

yes it would be fair. Your first child can't possible have the same amount of one one one time with you and your dh that they did when there was only them.

I'm always seeing posts on here that "fair isn't always equal".

this set up is neither fair or equal. Your pil are people and they can't visit one of their own children because you and your dh are taking all their time up. They can't have a life. To visit their children, friends, have hobbies, lazy around for the day because they fancy it.

Again, why would you even consider kids at all, when you can't look after them. Never mind a fourth.

UptownFunk00 · 05/05/2016 11:25

You really need to concentrate on the children you already have OP.

I know it's hard when you love children and want a big family but there are lots of reasons why this can't happen and all are perfectly valid.

I am considering whether it would be worth having a DC3 as first one I had PE and second a big PPH (2000ml).

Although I was told the second was unlucky as something caught inside.

Still, I worry something like that could happen again. You've had the same thing every time so chances are it will happen again too - this time either leaving you permanently disabled or worse.

Then what if you want no5? Every time is a further gamble.

I am sorry you are left to make this decision though.

squizita · 05/05/2016 11:39

I have 1. Would love to have more but the plain fact is that I worry if my health was compromised both my DD and 'future child' would end up having a compromised childhood.

To me that doesn't add up. Who brings a child into the world potentially to live with sadness? And my life's not at risk, just my health IYSWIM.

NeedACleverNN · 05/05/2016 11:42

My grandad unexpectedly died on Sunday. Made me realise life was short.

What would do if one of your in laws died all of a sudden? Adjust your work patterns?

TheCrumpettyTree · 05/05/2016 12:17

Why do you think your in law's lives should revolve around you and your children when they have other grandchildren to see and lives of their own?

BernardlookImaprostituterobotf · 05/05/2016 12:31

I don't think it would have been fair for them to reduce the time they spent with our children just because other grandchildren arrived, would it?

Are you confusing grandparents with nannies? Or...I don't even know because your first child can't get the same level of attention from their primary carers now there are 3 because time, and hands, are finite.
Was it a surprise that other adult siblings might have children? It surely couldn't have seemed so unlikely.
Why do your children take priority over the others? They don't is the answer.

I think there will be a great many people who don't understand your lifestyle op, not just the friend you were so sneering about. Your family planning wasn't exactly done with forethought and future proofing, was it?
Your PILS didn't exactly do well in that regard either.
It's all a bit back peddley now, but I really wouldn't want to be at a family Christmas at your house, the resentment must be palpable.

BernardlookImaprostituterobotf · 05/05/2016 12:32

I'm sorry for your loss Need Flowers

Original poster
NipplyNamechanger · 05/05/2016 13:01

I don't think their lives should revolve around us. Maybe they want their lives to revolve around us. They begged us not to send the children to nurseries (other grandchildren too). We've bought them the odd weekend away over the years and always offer for them to come on holiday when we go. We also go away on our own for a week every summer so they do what they want then.

There are lots of reasons they haven't been to visit the other grandchild. They're always agreeing to help people with DIY etc and dog sitting.

I didn't deliberately set out to have this kind of life. I can't go part time and the charity struggles to function without me - my maternity cover went off with stress a month in last time, hence me going back so early.

OP posts:
CoolforKittyCats · 05/05/2016 13:08

I'm desperate to get back to work and rely heavily on the inlaws to accommodate that (both DH and I work full time in jobs that require frequent travel and overnight stays)

So you would be relying on your in laws even more

YABVU on that point alone.

Roussette · 05/05/2016 13:09

Wow! They get a week off a year! That's kind of you!

As for offering for them to come on holiday with you - that's like going into work on your day off isn't it?

Be honest with yourself. You do think their lives should revolve round you. If you didn't you wouldn't say this..
I don't think it would have been fair for them to reduce the time they spent with our children just because other grandchildren arrived, would it?

WellErrr · 05/05/2016 13:10

I don't think their lives should revolve around us. Maybe they want their lives to revolve around us.

Hmm
OrangesandLemonsNow · 05/05/2016 13:11

A family member said we were selfish which has got me thinking about it.

They are right.

CoolforKittyCats · 05/05/2016 13:13

I don't think it would have been fair for them to reduce the time they spent with our children just because other grandchildren arrived, would it?

How self absorbed can you be Shock

Roussette · 05/05/2016 13:20

I only take a few months of maternity leave before I'm desperate to get back to work

This statement you say is completely the opposite of most mothers, why on earth would you entertain the idea of another child if you can't stand being at home with them? Is it because your ILs does most of the childcare?

Just bear in mind, sometimes parents and ILs just don't like to say "no". They feel beholden. They worry about the reaction of saying "no". They wat to help, they worry, they care. Just give your ILs a break for gods sake.

Original poster
NipplyNamechanger · 05/05/2016 13:22

If anything the inlaws tell us what we/they are going to do.

OP posts:
BernardlookImaprostituterobotf · 05/05/2016 13:35

If the charity can't survive without you (and only you apparently) then it isn't viable.
You seem to have made a lot of choices in this life you didn't choose to have and if the PILS are telling you what's going to happen and they are making such obviously poor choices, that are also not viable long term, then - you tell them no. They don't get to dictate the childcare you use. Although granted nursery won't do your shopping, cleaning and ironing and provide holiday in loco parentis cover.

curren · 05/05/2016 13:37

So your pils are fine with having limited contact with one of their GC in favour of yours? They are happy having a strained relationship with one of their children so the you and your dh have a nice life? That's lovely.

We also go away on our own for a week every summer so they do what they want then.

really, a whole week to themselves? How generous.

Op, you and your dh only provide limited care for your kids and don't run your own home. What happens if the pils are in an accident and you and dh have to do your own washing, shopping and child care?

You know your life is having a negative impact on your dhs siblings and carrying on anyway.

Have another baby or don't have another baby. Nothing anyone says will change your mind. If you die while having another baby, I am sure your pil will pick up the pieces.

It seems your need to produce more children is the main priority here. Not you family. No one will change your mind. You will do what you want regardless of the impact on anyone else.

curren · 05/05/2016 13:39

Oh and I had 2 kids before my dbro had any. Mum and dad spent loads of time with us and the grandkids.

I would be so upset if they ignored dbros kids simply because mine came first.

They are all their grandkids and they love them all equally. Mine don't come first. I would be pretty mad at them if they did this. Even though it would work out in my favour.

Original poster
NipplyNamechanger · 05/05/2016 13:53

I don't know if they're happy not visiting the eldest grandchild. They do make arrangements to go down and then other things come up (one of us local families need childcare, someone needs a dog looked after, a friend is getting a skip or whatever). It's not usually because of us.

OP posts:
WellErrr · 05/05/2016 14:08

I'm always not managing to visit people because of friends needing skips

CoolforKittyCats · 05/05/2016 14:15

It's not usually because of us

So it sometimes is.

Can you seriously not see how bad this arrangement is?

As for when you go away for the week they can do what they want. How very generous of you Shock

JewryMember · 05/05/2016 14:27

I have reported this thread because I am incredulous that someone could be so selfish.

I'm actually Confused at this. Since when do we run weeping to MNHQ because a mumsnetter is deemed selfish!

WaitroseCoffeeCostaCup · 05/05/2016 14:29

This isn't for real. No one is this thick skinned. Give it up op.