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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to do this?

206 replies

NipplyNamechanger · 04/05/2016 09:44

I have 3 DC. Each birth has been followed by massive PPHs and I've been put into an induced coma for 24-48 hours afterwards. It's hugely stressful for my husband to see me that way.

First baby was an IVF baby after 4 heartbreaking attempts. Haven't used any contraception since as didn't believe I could get pregnant naturally (but evidently I can). I'd happily have 100 babies.

Someone has said that I/we are being extremely selfish to keep having babies when I could potentially have a fatal bleed afterwards (as I did with my first) and leave the children motherless. We aren't close to the hospital and only just got there in time for number 3. I don't think about the risks because I think each child is a gift.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Roussette · 05/05/2016 09:41

Tuesday to Saturday??? You're having a larf surely! Don't they want a life? Do you bamboozle them into this or what? So what will you do if one of the ILs get's ill like Need says?

I've never heard anything so ridiculous in my life. Are your ILs allowed holidays?

I bet you're popular with the rest of the family NOT

WaitroseCoffeeCostaCup · 05/05/2016 09:45

I read the post feeling for you. I have had 3 horrid pregnancies and we are finding it hard to decide if that is it or not.
However, when you started talking about the 'help' (sounds more like slave labour to me!) you receive it is very very clear you are unable to cope with the children you already have. Learn to cope with and enjoy the three you've got and allow the Grandparents to have a life for goodness sake!

curren · 05/05/2016 09:49

OP says 'every child is a gift'

I am now wondering who her children were a gift for? Because it's certainly not for her or her dh. They have care of their children less than a lot of NRP. I am pretty sure it's not a gift the grand parents want.

In case you are genuine OP. Your relative called you selfish because that's how you are acting. It's not just about your risky labours. They think the whole situation is selfish of you and your dh.

BernardlookImaprostituterobotf · 05/05/2016 09:51

I think it's easy to plan a lovely idyllic life with a lot of children when other people are doing the work for you.
I don't think woh parents don't raise their children and had various periods of both options but you're not running your house or your childcare to the detriment of other family members, including those in laws other children and grandchildren.

I'm hugely sympathetic about how hard it is to lose your mother, I'm truly very sorry for your loss, and when I read your op I was going to answer like many of the previous pp, it's a very understandable feeling etc but head over heart and how awful it would be to leave your current blessings motherless and we have a deep responsibility as parents. But as I've read on I can absolutely see why your family member said you were selfish, it's because you appear to be being very selfish. Yabu.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 05/05/2016 10:03

Is this a reverse thread?

TheCrumpettyTree · 05/05/2016 10:12

They have seen the other grandchild when she's been brought up here (for a weekend 3-4 times a year)

Are you taking the piss?

Seriously, I don't actually think this is real because I can't imagine anyone so absolutely selfish and self centred.

You can't cope with the children you have, and yet you want more. What a joke!

WaitroseCoffeeCostaCup · 05/05/2016 10:15

I thought it must be a reverse too crumpet!

WaitroseCoffeeCostaCup · 05/05/2016 10:15

Sorry not crumpet mumoftwo!

Only1scoop · 05/05/2016 10:34

I'm suspicious it's not real also....

Original poster
NipplyNamechanger · 05/05/2016 10:42

It's real. The other DILs have mums etc that help them. I have an alcoholic father and stepmother and that's it. I suppose PIL feel sorry for me and so wanted to do the childcare in the beginning and it just hasn't changed much. They didn't know all these other grandchildren would arrive and at one point had 4 of them 5 days a week plus a couple of overnights, weekends etc

I don't think it would have been fair for them to reduce the time they spent with our children just because other grandchildren arrived, would it? I'm always seeing posts on here that "fair isn't always equal".

OP posts:
Original poster
NipplyNamechanger · 05/05/2016 10:43

I'm feeling a bit ganged up on now.

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 05/05/2016 10:44
Grin
WaitroseCoffeeCostaCup · 05/05/2016 10:44

Seriously? I'm not often lost for words! If this IS real (which I highly doubt!) you need to grow up, start parenting your children and set them a better example!

Only1scoop · 05/05/2016 10:45

Very funny zip

Only1scoop · 05/05/2016 10:46

Zip

Should say Op

gamerchick · 05/05/2016 10:46

OP seriously if you're for real you and your bloke are being massively unfair. Don't have any more kids if you can't cope with them all childcare wise.

Lunar1 · 05/05/2016 10:47

Bloody hell you are breathtakingly self absorbed.

Roussette · 05/05/2016 10:49

I don't think it would have been fair for them to reduce the time they spent with our children just because other grandchildren arrived, would it?

Errrr... yes it would. They are not personal slaves there for your benefit. 4 of them 5 days a week hahaha...

Duckdeamon · 05/05/2016 10:52

I am sorry about the loss of your mum.

I'm afraid I think you and your partner are being very unreasonable indeed, and failing your DC by taking these risks with your health.

We would have liked more then two Dc but haven't done so, primarily because of health risks. We have responsibilities to our existing DC.

Duckdeamon · 05/05/2016 10:54

Also, why are you both so very dependent on your PiL? You are adults and parents and need to look after your DC and home yourselves!

Original poster
NipplyNamechanger · 05/05/2016 10:55

Yes, they had our 2 and BIL's 2 (2 toddlers, 2 babies). We used to drop them off at their house because we lived in opposite directions from them. SIL has a massive family and other people wanted the kids so they changed to thurs - sat (their 2 slept over thurs and fri nights) and PIL started coming to us on a sun night till Tues night to reduce the number of days our kids would need to travel. They used to take them to the supermarket and so did our shopping, then they started putting clothes from washer into dryer then ironing them and it's slowly evolved with children starting school and SIL going back to work full time that they are with us for most of the week.

OP posts:
Roussette · 05/05/2016 10:57

Don't tell me.. they landscaped your garden at the same time?! And turned your bathroom into a wet room whilst they were at it...

MrsJoeyMaynard · 05/05/2016 10:57

I don't think it would have been fair for them to reduce the time they spent with our children just because other grandchildren arrived, would it?

Well, obviously we don't know everything about your family dynamics.

But in general, yes, given that grandparents don't have an infinite amount of time and energy, it would be fair for grandparents to reduce time spent with one set of grandchildren once their other children start producing grandchildren. Especially if they're spending a very large amount of time on the first lot of grandchildren.

You've said that usually your in-laws are staying at your house from Tuesday lunchtime to Saturday morning. That's a huge chunk of the week devoted exclusively to you, your DH and your children, which is surely going to severely limit how much time they've got to spend with other grandchildren - and also limit the amount of time they have to spend on doing stuff for themselves.

You may consider this to be fair, but it wouldn't surprise me at all if your in-laws other children felt that their children (your in-laws other grandchildren) were being unfairly left out or overlooked in favour of your children.

WellErrr · 05/05/2016 11:05

So they're only with us from Tues lunchtime to Saturday morning usually, unless DH and I go away for a weekend or I go to visit friends.

Oh ffs it gets better.

Could you BE more selfish? Are you even real?
Your IL's entire lives revolve around you. You are stupidly self absorbed.

So not content with taking up their whole week, you also swan off for weekends away too?

Are you aware that because of YOU they cannot have an independent life?

They couldn't get a pet.
They can't have a garden.
They can't go for midweek lunches with their friends.
They can't go on holiday unless you take them along as free childcare

They can't get a hobby.
They can't do an evening class.

You are AWFUL to do this to these people. Really.

We've said they should just move over here but they're reluctant.

No shit.

This thread has made me really angry.

TheDowagerCuntess · 05/05/2016 11:05

You're a card, OP.

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