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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to do this?

206 replies

NipplyNamechanger · 04/05/2016 09:44

I have 3 DC. Each birth has been followed by massive PPHs and I've been put into an induced coma for 24-48 hours afterwards. It's hugely stressful for my husband to see me that way.

First baby was an IVF baby after 4 heartbreaking attempts. Haven't used any contraception since as didn't believe I could get pregnant naturally (but evidently I can). I'd happily have 100 babies.

Someone has said that I/we are being extremely selfish to keep having babies when I could potentially have a fatal bleed afterwards (as I did with my first) and leave the children motherless. We aren't close to the hospital and only just got there in time for number 3. I don't think about the risks because I think each child is a gift.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
NipplyNamechanger · 05/05/2016 14:31

I'm taking the comments on board. Have been in tears for much of the morning thanks to the harsher ones. But that's for kicking me when I'm down. In the last 24 hours I've gone from realisation that number 3 may be the last to having my whole life ripped apart and being called names. Sad

OP posts:
WaitroseCoffeeCostaCup · 05/05/2016 14:33

I think, if you are for real, it was a good thing to start this post to see how...unusual your behaviour is.

AndTakeYourPenguinWithYou · 05/05/2016 14:35

Come off it,you can't seriously be surprised by all the comments? You basically have turned your in-laws into your indentured slaves, and you thought they might like another child to rear on your behalf?

CoolforKittyCats · 05/05/2016 14:35

Surely OP you must realise what you get your inlaws to do isn't usual and it is taking over their entire life?

Original poster
NipplyNamechanger · 05/05/2016 14:42

I don't ask them to do it. But at the same time I don't stop them.

OP posts:
WaitroseCoffeeCostaCup · 05/05/2016 14:44

What would you do if they didn't?

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 05/05/2016 14:45

Your Inlaws seem like the type of people who are unable to say no to anyone. No matter what it costs them. No matter how much they resent it. The person who shouts the loudest gets whatever they want.

So you need to say no for them. You are on maternity leave right now. Make it clear that right now you don't need their help. That you can manage your own shopping and cleaning and ironing and childcare. You would love their company. But do not need their help.

Aside from anything else', how can you decide if you want a fourth child if you have no idea how easy or hard it is to look after three?

Original poster
NipplyNamechanger · 05/05/2016 14:45

See if the childminder would take them probably. Not sure about overnights.

OP posts:
JewryMember · 05/05/2016 14:47

OP, your in-laws sound like 'those' grandparents who gradually take over as long as you let them. The PILs are grown ups who are not being coerced, enslaved, manipulated or brow-beaten. If they don't like the arrangement they can stop at any time. They 'begged' to be the carers.

I suspect there's quite a bit of jealousy on here from people whose own PILS wouldn't dream of getting so involved in their children's upbringing. How nice to have holidays paid for and to stay in your son's big posh house (I imagine) for half the week whilst watching your adored grandkids grow up. Lovely Smile

Original poster
NipplyNamechanger · 05/05/2016 14:48

It's not a big push house by any means. Standard Victorian 2 bed semi (with loft conversion for 3rd bedroom).

OP posts:
JewryMember · 05/05/2016 14:49

Your Inlaws seem like the type of people who are unable to say no to anyone. No matter what it costs them. No matter how much they resent it. The person who shouts the loudest gets whatever they want.

Hmm...you've know them do you? Spoken in depth with them about this arrangement? No? Then this is a figment of your imagination. Calm down, dear.

AndTakeYourPenguinWithYou · 05/05/2016 14:50

2 bed semi but you have three children and both inlaws live with you most of the week? Where do your put them, the shed?

JewryMember · 05/05/2016 14:51

Where do your PILs sleep, OP?

Original poster
NipplyNamechanger · 05/05/2016 14:54

We have 3 beds (loft conversion). We're in the loft with the baby, elder 2 children share the big front bedroom on 1st floor and PIL stay in the smaller bedroom (next to bathroom).

OP posts:
Roussette · 05/05/2016 14:54

Nipply even typing that seems wrong. Read what Mum of two says and what I said upthread. Sometimes parents or ILs find it very very hard to say no, they feel they must be there for GC or whatever. Maybe you and your DH ask in a certain way whereby they just feel they have to do it. Maybe the others feel so sorry for their parents, they wouldn't dream of asking because they are run ragged with your children. So they just put up with it. But are hugely resentful.

You need to stop and think of them. How old are they?? (Please tell me they are in their sixties and no older...). Stop putting on them, I would have been ashamed to have my parents or ILs doing all yours do.

You were desperate to get back to work after each child, why on earth would you have another one? I am sorry you are tearful but maybe this thread is the wake up call you need.

WaitroseCoffeeCostaCup · 05/05/2016 14:55

No jealousy here...I had 3 kids because I love kids. If someone called me a bad mother or said I don't care for my children it would be like a knife to the heart. I'd certainly defend myself....

Original poster
NipplyNamechanger · 05/05/2016 14:56

They're both mid-60s.

OP posts:
Mumoftwoyoungkids · 05/05/2016 14:56

Hmm...you've know them do you? Spoken in depth with them about this arrangement? No? Then this is a figment of your imagination. Calm down, dear.*

No - I've just met "givers" before. They are actually quite hard work in a funny way - if you don't want to be "given" to.

LeaLeander · 05/05/2016 14:56

In addition to all of the other good reasons presented for stopping at three healthy children, please consider the environment and your fellow inhabitants of Planet Earth, human and animal.

You and your partner already have reproduced at greater than replacement rate which means you are playing a direct role already in human population growth (estimated by WHO and others to perhaps hit 13 billion by century end, a catastrophic number).

Species are going extinct DAILY due to the human burden on earth. In the last 24 hours I have seen news alerts about leopards and apes dwindling in number, and coral reefs suffering more than even previously thought. The very base of the food chain is threatened and that threatens us all - not to mention all of the other ills brought on by warming oceans and man-made climate change. Whales are washing up with their bellies full of humans' plastic water bottles. Elephants are being slaughtered (you know how long a mother elephant has to carry and nurture her young? longer than you do! And we kill them off like flies.)

Please, you already have more than most people could ever dream of in terms of prosperity and family. Please don't be greedy at the expense of other people and other creatures.

Roussette · 05/05/2016 14:59

I suspect there's quite a bit of jealousy on here from people whose own PILS wouldn't dream of getting so involved in their children's upbringing. How nice to have holidays paid for and to stay in your son's big posh house (I imagine) for half the week whilst watching your adored grandkids grow up. Lovely

No jealousy on my part I can assure you! It sounds like my idea of hell! I'm more a GP age than some on here, and bringing up 2 plus a DSS means I do not want to be bringing up my childrens' children! My life is just starting again after raising them and it's all ours to do with what we want, I can't think of anything worse than being committed to looking after GC and having to stay over too, for 5 nights out of 7. Of course I will be there for GC if I ever have any, but I won't be their primary carer!

curren · 05/05/2016 15:02

No jealousy here, when I had kids I expected to be the one providing care. Either one of us or paying for it. I dorm expect my parents lives to revolve around me. Especially to the exclusion of my dbros kids.

Only1scoop · 05/05/2016 15:02

None here either

My parents have my dd for pleasure not childcare.

If this is all true then Op needs to consider others

And fgs don't have another one for others to look after.

JewryMember · 05/05/2016 15:02

That would be a 'no' then, mumoftwo. Let's stick with the facts so far, eh?

Sometimes parents or ILs find it very very hard to say no, they feel they must be there for GC or whatever. Maybe you and your DH ask in a certain way whereby they just feel they have to do it. Maybe the others feel so sorry for their parents, they wouldn't dream of asking because they are run ragged with your children.

Maybe...maybe...maybe...

Maybe not. We have no evidence whatsoever that this is the case. You should also calm down.

AndTakeYourPenguinWithYou · 05/05/2016 15:03

Jealously? HA, as if people are jealous of having in laws living with you nearly all the time. No thanks!

JewryMember · 05/05/2016 15:04

Lealeander, you are hilarious, darling! Grin