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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to do this?

206 replies

NipplyNamechanger · 04/05/2016 09:44

I have 3 DC. Each birth has been followed by massive PPHs and I've been put into an induced coma for 24-48 hours afterwards. It's hugely stressful for my husband to see me that way.

First baby was an IVF baby after 4 heartbreaking attempts. Haven't used any contraception since as didn't believe I could get pregnant naturally (but evidently I can). I'd happily have 100 babies.

Someone has said that I/we are being extremely selfish to keep having babies when I could potentially have a fatal bleed afterwards (as I did with my first) and leave the children motherless. We aren't close to the hospital and only just got there in time for number 3. I don't think about the risks because I think each child is a gift.

AIBU?

OP posts:
WellErrr · 05/05/2016 06:55

they do our shopping, washing, ironing etc but haven't been able to visit one of their other grandchildren for about 2.5 years. I do feel a bit guilty about it but we have a nice lifestyle with lots of holidays

Not only are YBU about the baby issue, but it sounds like you are incredibly unreasonable and breathtakingly selfish in other areas of life too.

I'm not surprised your DH's family is resentful.

Only1scoop · 05/05/2016 06:59

You sound like one of life's takers

You are aware of what you do relying on your inlaws for everything....yet can't stop.

I bet rest of family think you are bang out of order.

JonSnowsBeardClippings · 05/05/2016 07:07

But first and foremost every child is a responsibilty. As a parent we have a duty to do our best by them

This is exactly right.

Op, especially in light of your revelation about your inlaws you would be ridiculously selfish to have another child. You had better hope your inlaws don't suffer any health issues in the near future as it is.

Has it ever occurred to you and your husband that you should do the household stuff yourselves or at the very least pay someone to do it?

TheDowagerCuntess · 05/05/2016 07:10

I think there's a lot of people in your life being 'knocked for 6', or potentially being 'knocked for 6' (understatement), for significantly greater reasons than you are.

I hope you come to the right decision.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 05/05/2016 07:11

Congratulations on your new baby. This is a head vs heart decision. Objectively I think everything stacks up against having another child. Please don't.

TheCrumpettyTree · 05/05/2016 08:30

they do our shopping, washing, ironing etc but haven't been able to visit one of their other grandchildren for about 2.5 years. I do feel a bit guilty about it but we have a nice lifestyle with lots of holidays

Not only are YBU about the baby issue, but it sounds like you are incredibly unreasonable and breathtakingly selfish in other areas of life too

I'm not surprised your DH's family is resentful

^This.

Just wow. As long as you only feel a little bit guilty, you wouldn't want to give up your nice holidays now. You are massively taking the piss.

Sometimes there are threads on here from parents who are feeling upset and resentful because the grandparents don't have time to see their children as they're too busy running around after their other grandchildren. That's you.

Only1scoop · 05/05/2016 08:32

I thought the 'but we have' ..... Etc bit was surely some kind of typo as surely no one is that entitled, taking and selfish.

StillDrSethHazlittMD · 05/05/2016 08:38

OP, this will sound quite blunt, but you don't NEED any more children. No one NEEDS to have huge families either for themselves or the human race. Please think about your husband and your existing children and put them first by not putting your health at risk. To carry on having more children would be extremely selfish and be all about YOU rather than about THEM. Imagine what it would be like for them to have to grow up without you because you just kept wanting more and more.

Roussette · 05/05/2016 08:53

I'm taking the general consensus on board and certainly won't plan to have any more children.
"Not planning" is not saying you wouldn't then?

You sound rather selfish. Start thinking about the children you have, whatever is the matter with you - 3 is a wonderful complete family. Don't you want to be around to see your children grow up?

Also have a think about your BILs/SILs and stop monopolising your ILs. You've been using them for childcare for years and they obviously are caught up in this which means they haven't even seen some of their GC for years. If I was related to you I'd be fuming.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 05/05/2016 09:02

I have had 2 PPHs. Nowhere near as serious as yours but one was pretty nasty. For whatever reason the hospital does seem to be very unkeen to observe a pattern with them and comment. But I know that I have PPHs. Just a s you know that you do.

In your case you also know that your births are getting quicker and that without medical help you will die.

Now is not the time to start thinking too much about a fourth child - focus on enjoying your third. I strongly believe in "enjoying each child as your last" as none of us can guarantee more children just because we want them.

Perhaps, as you are on maternity leave for the next few months, you and your Dh could have a go at coping by yourselves and encourage your in laws to have some time to themselves and to visit their other grandchildren. 2.5 years is a very long time to go without seeing a parent / grandparent / child / grandchild. It must break all their hearts.

Original poster
NipplyNamechanger · 05/05/2016 09:14

They have seen the other grandchild when she's been brought up here (for a weekend 3-4 times a year).

OP posts:
Summerblaze100 · 05/05/2016 09:17

I am currently pg with #4. I know there is no guarantee that this birth will go ok but I have had straightforward ish births with my other 3 so am hoping this one goes well.

If I had been through 3 horrific births and had been advised to not have anymore, we would not be having this child. End of. I would have taken into consideration my existing family.

Original poster
NipplyNamechanger · 05/05/2016 09:18

We do pay someone to clean, and middle child goes to a child minder 2 days a week. So they're only with us from Tues lunchtime to Saturday morning usually, unless DH and I go away for a weekend or I go to visit friends. They do the school run when I need to leave the house at 7am for work etc. Because they live 30 miles away they can't just pop over so end up staying. We've said they should just move over here but they're reluctant.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 05/05/2016 09:18

Christ OP can you not see what you sound like? Confused

Taught me, never agree to be regular and solid childcare because more babies will just keep arriving and I'll be expected to pick up the slack type of thing.

Original poster
NipplyNamechanger · 05/05/2016 09:18

Nobody has advised me not to have more children. A family member said we were selfish which has got me thinking about it.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 05/05/2016 09:20

We've said they should just move over here but they're reluctant

Im shocked at that, truly!

Only1scoop · 05/05/2016 09:20

'They're only with us from Tuesday morning to Saturday lunchtime....unless we are going away for the weekend'

Is this the grandparents.

Are you actually serious Shock

Only1scoop · 05/05/2016 09:21

Your family member is right you sound absolutely awful.

TheDowagerCuntess · 05/05/2016 09:22

DH and I went for our first weekend - well, night - away since DC1 (7) was born, two weeks ago.

Envy

If you're relying on your ILs so much, do you really need the weekends away?

Original poster
NipplyNamechanger · 05/05/2016 09:22

Yes, Only1scoop. That's DH's parents.

OP posts:
curren · 05/05/2016 09:27

I am a working mum, so no judgment about that.

But why on earth would you even consider more. You have nearly died giving birth three times, it's takes four adults plus a cleaner to raise your kids and run your home, your pils can't get away to visit their other grandkids, you know this is causing pil problems with their other kids but continue to rely on them because you like your 'nice life'.

I have reported this thread because I am incredulous that someone could be so selfish. Why do you want more (or even consider) kids when you and your dh clearly can't cope with the ones you have?

Baconyum · 05/05/2016 09:30

Omg! You are clearly so massively unaware of other people's needs!

I lost 3 before dd, then dd's pregnancy and birth were problematic to the point I was told there was a risk of me and possibly the baby dying if I were to have another - no brainier no more babies. I was heartbroken but dd didn't deserve to lose her mother at a young age unnecessarily.

As for the way you treat your in laws (and I don't just mean dh's parents) words almost escape me! If you decide to have children they're your (as in you and dh) responsibility! If that means a career change tough life requires hard choices. If I were the parent of the child the grandparents haven't visited for 2.5 years I'd be absolutely livid with you and your dh.

Grandparents love to care for grandchildren of course but you've arranged it so you've effectively got 2 free nannies! Do these grandparents ever get to do things they want to do? Weekends away? Holidays? On the spur days out WITHOUT a trail of kids?! Not to mention it must be knackering! And how much time do you and dh spend with YOUR CHILDREN?

NeedACleverNN · 05/05/2016 09:32

ONLY Tuesday till Saturday...

That is ridiculous.

I have two children, plenty of family around and yet my children would be looked after maybe 5 times a year maximum.

If you can't afford child care for the 3 you have, you should not have the 4th.

What would happen if your in laws health got so bad or they refused to help anymore?

HarleyQuinneee · 05/05/2016 09:32

Can you adopt a fourth to make your family complete?

Lunar1 · 05/05/2016 09:37

Can you not see how utterly self absorbed you are, I've never read anything so greedy.

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